what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?

[Anonymous]

The children of marriage ALWAYS come first to the wife. As they should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ PP, these women don't have a heart. This part of the thread is just disgusting.

I have no pity AT ALL for spoiled, smug idiots who want to villainize this woman who gave up her daughter to what sounds like a rather manipulative man. FUCK YOU and work on being a little honest about the vulnerabilities in your own marriage, you insecure cows.

LOL! We don't need nor did we ask for your pity. I have a very nice life, thank you.

I DEFINITELY villainize any woman who sleeps with a married man. It is akin in my mind to breaking into another person's house and stealing their belongings.

I really don't understand why people consider this fact at odds with the other fact that the man is also a POS. BOTH people are nasty, selfish, and destructive.

Not PP above.

But the level of POS is entirely different.

If my husband cheated, the other woman will be a non-issue. I entered into an agreement with my husband. He is supposed to be loyal to me. I know him, and I love and trust him. The other woman has no agreement with me, shares no children and life with me. She does not love me, and I do not love her. It is understandable that she could be selfish.,

The husband is a bigger, nastier POS than the thai woman. He is the one who betrayed his wife and his family. He is accountable to his wife and his child.

The other woman may have betrayed her values, if she had any such values to begin with. Big deal. Values change especially when you are not accountable to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow lady. I'm sorry for whatever happened to you.

In my experience bad stuff happens to everyone, sometimes through choices you make, sometimes through choices loved one's make, and sometimes randomly. How you dust yourself off and deal with them teaches your kids a lot about the world. In my opinion, two parents that continue to show their kids love, who continue to prioritize them and who accept everyone involved as family will have happier kids than someone who dwells in anger and bitterness. That is what I have learned watching my parents. Or at least, at minimum, being angry and bitter and hateful and making sure your kids know it sure as hell doesn't help, so I'm going to choose the other path. And being silently angry and bitter isn't really a good option either, kids aren't stupid.

No family is a threat to my child. The child didn't blow up the marriage, the infidelity did. And just like I would go to lengths to make sure my children knew it wasn't THEIR fault if I divorced my husband, I would also never blame this hypothetical child, nor would I let my kids do that, because it would be wrong.

Most certainly everyone would be better off if this hypothetical situation never comes to pass. But if it did, I'm basically 100% sure that divorcing, loathing my husband and acting like his child doesn't exist would make the situation 100% worse, and I just don't see the value in that and frankly if I did that I would be equally to blame in the suffering my children endured. I'm sorry if you weren't strong enough to take that path because the vehemence with which you're fighting all these posters who are taking a more compassionate viewpoint makes me think this strikes close to home.

So you think the kids are "not stupid enough" not to notice that one parent is silently angry, but just stupid enough to believe that a random child who suddenly came to live with them didn't come out of infidelity?

I think there would be questions and if it came up I'd be honest with them of course. But there is no reason to poison them against a parent if you plan to stay together and can manage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The children of marriage ALWAYS come first to the wife. As they should.

Wrong. You are thinking like the wicked stepmother. No wonder kids hate their stepparents if they think like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple that was pregnant. The husband cheated and gave his pregnant wife an STD.

The fetus died from the STD. She didn't know he was cheating and when she started show symptoms it was too late. His utterly scummy mouth stayed firmly shut when this was happening to his wife and unborn child. His fun time and penis outweighed the life of his unborn child and wife.

They are together in the loosest of terms. This happened recently and she's a broken shell of sadness and anger. He's in denial and a the most selfish human on the planet. It's a nightmare.

Tragic. But I wouldn't say this marriage recovered, since it just happened. That was the topic of the thread.

In fact, this marriage should not recover because the husband is the lowest form of human scum who committed an absolutely unforgivable act of evil, and she should get away from him as soon as possible.

I wonder if criminal charged could be brought against him in this case. He clearly knew and did nothing to prevent his child's death.

All you Pro Choisers can't call this a child's death and then say an abortion is just getting rid of some extra cells.

[Anonymous]

How do you "manage" to keep the truth of that child's parentage from your children? You also forget that you don't own that information. Tons of other people would know. That you think this can be kept from your children forever tells me you are trying to engineer reality to your liking.

But thanks for admitting, finally, that fathering children outside of marriage does poison the relationship with the children of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The children of marriage ALWAYS come first to the wife. As they should.

Wrong. You are thinking like the wicked stepmother. No wonder kids hate their stepparents if they think like you.

Expecting a second wife to be kind and welcoming to a child from the first marriage is very different from expecting a wife to be kind and welcoming to a child her husband fathered in infidelity while married to her.

[Anonymous]

What do Do with a Child of the Affair
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_affairchild.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you "manage" to keep the truth of that child's parentage from your children? You also forget that you don't own that information. Tons of other people would know. That you think this can be kept from your children forever tells me you are trying to engineer reality to your liking.

But thanks for admitting, finally, that fathering children outside of marriage does poison the relationship with the children of marriage.

I never intended to say that the husband involved doesn't deserve all the punishment/difficulty coming his way. Or that the husband involved isn't a total POS. He is. The problem with embracing that vindictiveness too much though is that it is impossible to fully separate damaging your husband and damaging your child. Hurting one hurts the other, there isn't any way around that. It's unfair, but its true.

In this hypothetical scenario my family all moved to THAILAND for a job and came back to the United States with a baby. Who else knows? If the mother gave the child away (a big if, obviously that plan also doesn't work if the mother wants to stay involved) then I don't know why it couldn't be secret. I went to another country, visited an adoption agency and fell in love with an infant. Wanted to do some good. That isn't completely insane. There might be some raised eyebrows but no one would know one way or another. If, as adults, my kids asked me for the real story I'd tell them. But ripping the foundation of their childhood from beneath their feet only makes ME feel better, it does nothing for them except hurt them. I might not 'own' that information and you're right in that I can't control every possible way they may find out, but I CAN control how I react to it, how I explain our decision making, and how I treat their sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The children of marriage ALWAYS come first to the wife. As they should.

Wrong. You are thinking like the wicked stepmother. No wonder kids hate their stepparents if they think like you.

Expecting a second wife to be kind and welcoming to a child from the first marriage is very different from expecting a wife to be kind and welcoming to a child her husband fathered in infidelity while married to her.

The thing about you, angry PP, is that you aren't just saying that the ability to forgive this would be beyond you. I would get that. Understand it. It's reasonable, this would be a really hard thing to get over. And if you are choosing between treating an innocent child like dirt or not ever talking to them then certainly pick the latter. But you also seem viscerally against the idea that there could be women out there who got just as angry at the betrayal, but chose a different path to try to be the most beneficial to the children.

Not everyone is like you. That's ok. I certainly have my own flaws and weaknesses, but I don't act like anyone else strong enough to overcome those weaknesses is full of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do Do with a Child of the Affair
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_affairchild.html

WTF is this bullsh#$????????????????????? This website literally recommends actively trying to withhold a child from a biological father!!!! This website is nuts. The health of the marriage cannot be the ONLY consideration when making life choices. Holy hell!

In the case of a wife being the unfaithful spouse, I recommend keeping the child in the family. I know of no cases where trying to separate the wife from her child has led to the recovery of the marriage. But I know of many recoveries if there is absolutely no contact of the other man with his child.

In some cases, the other man doesn’t want anything to do with the child. Or, he may not even know that he is the father. In these cases, I do not recommend reaching out to him to help raise his child. But even if he wants to raise his child, I recommend that you do what you can to keep him away from your family.

Granted, this recommendation seems on the face of it to be very difficult to achieve, and even terribly misguided. Shouldn’t the child have the care of the natural father? In this case, I have found that the betrayed father can do a much better job raising the child as long as the marriage is successful. Children, in general, thrive in a marriage where a husband and wife love and care for each other. The imposition of the other man in their lives is a constant reminder of the suffering caused by the affair, and presents a very confusing parenting arrangement to the child. It would place the marriage under a great deal of pressure that the couple would eventually find intolerable. A loving and caring marriage would be very difficult to create under that condition.

If the other man is able to prove parentage, they may not have any choice in the matter. However, the law assumes that, in the case of a married couple, the husband is the father of any child born to the wife during the marriage. A couple dealing with the child of an affair should take full advantage of the legal situation, and say nothing to indicate that the husband is not the father of the child. Ideally, the affair would end without the wife ever telling the other man that she is pregnant and that the child might be his. However, if she has already told him, the couple must remember that they are under no obligation by law to provide DNA samples, unless so ordered by a court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The children of marriage ALWAYS come first to the wife. As they should.

Wrong. You are thinking like the wicked stepmother. No wonder kids hate their stepparents if they think like you.

Expecting a second wife to be kind and welcoming to a child from the first marriage is very different from expecting a wife to be kind and welcoming to a child her husband fathered in infidelity while married to her.

The thing about you, angry PP, is that you aren't just saying that the ability to forgive this would be beyond you. I would get that. Understand it. It's reasonable, this would be a really hard thing to get over. And if you are choosing between treating an innocent child like dirt or not ever talking to them then certainly pick the latter. But you also seem viscerally against the idea that there could be women out there who got just as angry at the betrayal, but chose a different path to try to be the most beneficial to the children.

Not everyone is like you. That's ok. I certainly have my own flaws and weaknesses, but I don't act like anyone else strong enough to overcome those weaknesses is full of it.

Different PP. I could actually do it. But I will not.

If my husband fathered a child due to infidelity, I will have zero anger or bitterness towards the child. If my husband was gone(in prison or killed by a truck while having sex on the road or something) and its mother gone, I could probably raise the child as if I was raising a friend's child. Absolutely.

The problem for me would be keeping the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The children of marriage ALWAYS come first to the wife. As they should.

Wrong. You are thinking like the wicked stepmother. No wonder kids hate their stepparents if they think like you.

Expecting a second wife to be kind and welcoming to a child from the first marriage is very different from expecting a wife to be kind and welcoming to a child her husband fathered in infidelity while married to her.

The thing about you, angry PP, is that you aren't just saying that the ability to forgive this would be beyond you. I would get that. Understand it. It's reasonable, this would be a really hard thing to get over. And if you are choosing between treating an innocent child like dirt or not ever talking to them then certainly pick the latter. But you also seem viscerally against the idea that there could be women out there who got just as angry at the betrayal, but chose a different path to try to be the most beneficial to the children.

Not everyone is like you. That's ok. I certainly have my own flaws and weaknesses, but I don't act like anyone else strong enough to overcome those weaknesses is full of it.

Different PP. I could actually do it. But I will not.

If my husband fathered a child due to infidelity, I will have zero anger or bitterness towards the child. If my husband was gone(in prison or killed by a truck while having sex on the road or something) and its mother gone, I could probably raise the child as if I was raising a friend's child. Absolutely.

The problem for me would be keeping the husband.

On that I have offered no opinions PP! I would also have a very difficult time keeping the husband! Certainly could not say I would do it. I'd say there would be an 80% likelihood of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you "manage" to keep the truth of that child's parentage from your children? You also forget that you don't own that information. Tons of other people would know. That you think this can be kept from your children forever tells me you are trying to engineer reality to your liking.

But thanks for admitting, finally, that fathering children outside of marriage does poison the relationship with the children of marriage.

I never intended to say that the husband involved doesn't deserve all the punishment/difficulty coming his way. Or that the husband involved isn't a total POS. He is. The problem with embracing that vindictiveness too much though is that it is impossible to fully separate damaging your husband and damaging your child. Hurting one hurts the other, there isn't any way around that. It's unfair, but its true.

In this hypothetical scenario my family all moved to THAILAND for a job and came back to the United States with a baby. Who else knows? If the mother gave the child away (a big if, obviously that plan also doesn't work if the mother wants to stay involved) then I don't know why it couldn't be secret. I went to another country, visited an adoption agency and fell in love with an infant. Wanted to do some good. That isn't completely insane. There might be some raised eyebrows but no one would know one way or another. If, as adults, my kids asked me for the real story I'd tell them. But ripping the foundation of their childhood from beneath their feet only makes ME feel better, it does nothing for them except hurt them. I might not 'own' that information and you're right in that I can't control every possible way they may find out, but I CAN control how I react to it, how I explain our decision making, and how I treat their sibling.

In your scenario #3, you didn't talk about this particular case. You talked about "if a child came to live with us as is/her primary home". And then you intimated that in this case, the children of marriage wouldn't even have to be told. That is BS. Because #1, it's impossible (and good luck trying to mitigate the damage that comes from someone ELSE telling your children), and #2, secrets are toxic.

Even in your Thailand scenario, who's to guarantee your DH wouldn't have too much to drink one night or be gripped by whatever emotion? You can't really hope to keep this secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do Do with a Child of the Affair
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_affairchild.html

WTF is this bullsh#$????????????????????? This website literally recommends actively trying to withhold a child from a biological father!!!! This website is nuts. The health of the marriage cannot be the ONLY consideration when making life choices. Holy hell!

The owner of this website is a marriage counselor. His concern is the health of the marriage and nothing else. It's not beyond the pale for him to say, with the benefit of having seen thousands of couples in this situation (and therefore a much greater statistical sample), that MARRIAGE has the greatest chance of survival if there are no third parties around it. I think he acknowledges that this is a difficult situation with no good choices. He speaks for the marriage, so he recommends what's best for the marriage. Not for everyone else.