Reply to what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?

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Reply to "what's the worst affair story you've heard of where the marriage recovered?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How do you "manage" to keep the truth of that child's parentage from your children? You also forget that you don't own that information.  Tons of other people would know. That you think this can be kept from your children forever tells me you are trying to engineer reality to your liking.

But thanks for admitting, finally, that fathering children outside of marriage does poison the relationship with the children of marriage.  [/quote]

I never intended to say that the husband involved doesn't deserve all the punishment/difficulty coming his way. Or that the husband involved isn't a total POS. He is. The problem with embracing that vindictiveness too much though is that it is impossible to fully separate damaging your husband and damaging your child. Hurting one hurts the other, there isn't any way around that. It's unfair, but its true.

In this hypothetical scenario my family all moved to THAILAND for a job and came back to the United States with a baby. Who else knows? If the mother gave the child away (a big if, obviously that plan also doesn't work if the mother wants to stay involved) then I don't know why it couldn't be secret. I went to another country, visited an adoption agency and fell in love with an infant. Wanted to do some good. That isn't completely insane. There might be some raised eyebrows but no one would know one way or another. If, as adults, my kids asked me for the real story I'd tell them. But ripping the foundation of their childhood from beneath their feet only makes ME feel better, it does nothing for them except hurt them. I might not 'own' that information and you're right in that I can't control every possible way they may find out, but I CAN control how I react to it, how I explain our decision making, and how I treat their sibling. [/quote]

In your scenario #3, you didn't talk about this particular case.  You talked about "if a child came to live with us as is/her primary home".  And then you intimated that in this case, the children of marriage wouldn't even have to be told.  That is BS.  Because #1, it's impossible (and good luck trying to mitigate the damage that comes from someone ELSE telling your children), and #2, secrets are toxic.

Even in your Thailand scenario, who's to guarantee your DH wouldn't have too much to drink one night or be gripped by whatever emotion?  You can't really hope to keep this secret. [/quote]

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