Anyone regret becoming a stay at home mom?

[Anonymous]

When i read these threads i really wonder by DCUM doesnt get together and get maternity leave for women. My story is as follows
DC1 : Took 1 year maternity leave. In Uk
Went back to work part time (3 days a week, 1 from home, 1 day off)
DC 2: took one year maternity leave (still in UK)
Went back to work part time (3 days a week, 1 from home, 1 day off)
Moved to us in 2012. Did not work until 2015. Got back into full time work but with lots of flexiblity.
I have two working moms in my team and i give them lots of flexibility.
Its a fucked up work culture here. Women need some time off for their kids but most want to get back into the workforce.The choices and discussion should not be this polarized

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When i read these threads i really wonder by DCUM doesnt get together and get maternity leave for women. My story is as follows
DC1 : Took 1 year maternity leave. In Uk
Went back to work part time (3 days a week, 1 from home, 1 day off)
DC 2: took one year maternity leave (still in UK)
Went back to work part time (3 days a week, 1 from home, 1 day off)
Moved to us in 2012. Did not work until 2015. Got back into full time work but with lots of flexiblity.
I have two working moms in my team and i give them lots of flexibility.
Its a fucked up work culture here. Women need some time off for their kids but most want to get back into the workforce.The choices and discussion should not be this polarized

Women in the US should go on strike. Have a walkout like they've done in other countries for wages. Not having any women show up for work for a few days would have an immediate impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

At our school, ALL of the girls in my DDs 4th grade class have SAHM but us. It's crazy, but when you are the different one you have to work harder to bridge in to the group -- it isn't like there are other schools we can go to, all of them in Bethesda are overcapacity.

Wow, it's the total opposite at Janney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

In my case, DH was making $800,000 in IT, and as a contractor temp, I was making $25/hour. It is a no brainer for us.

Butt, I know what you mean. If I were to do college over again, I would have explored higher paying careers outside of education. I hope for my girls that they are faced with the hard question of who stays home with their children because they are on par with their DH's salary.

IT engineer here. Can you elaborate on how your DH commands this income? I am a system engineer, working requirement specs, integration, and operations --make $115k -- if I made half your DH my DW could stay home.

[Anonymous]

Op read this http://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/you-cannot-afford-to-be-a-sahm-mom/
Also read the comments.!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

In my case, DH was making $800,000 in IT, and as a contractor temp, I was making $25/hour. It is a no brainer for us.

Butt, I know what you mean. If I were to do college over again, I would have explored higher paying careers outside of education. I hope for my girls that they are faced with the hard question of who stays home with their children because they are on par with their DH's salary.

IT engineer here. Can you elaborate on how your DH commands this income? I am a system engineer, working requirement specs, integration, and operations --make $115k -- if I made half your DH my DW could stay home.

If I made 200k, my DW could stay home (willingly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am glad to be a SAHM but in some ways I do regret it. I imagined I would be able to do much more for my kids. There are a few things underestkmated

1) there is a lot of freaking housework. I pictured myself doing crafts and preparing healthy meals from scratch and teaching them sight words and leading playgroups. Maybr some super moms can do it all but not me. I now appreciate the entire team of individuals that worked at daycare so much more.

2) when both my husband and I worked it seemed genuinely equitable between us in terms of parenting stress. Now they are VERY attached to me which iOS sometimes hard (separation anxiety) and it also feels like I stole a littl something from their very giving and committed dad.

3) my wardrobe, hair, exercise regimen etc all suck now - was much easier to have that little piece of myself when I was a working mom.

4) I had both kids after 40 and they are exhausting. And I am starting to feel my age. I sometimes feel like maybe at my age I bit off more than I could chew by trying to stay home with hem. I am tired, my back is seriously going and I have had some cancer scares already.

Otherwise, no regrets, I love spending this time with them!!

Are you me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I will strongly urge my DD and any future DIL to go back to work."

As a WOH, I think you should leave your daughter and future DIL alone to make their own decisions with their spouses.

"I will strongly urge my DD and any future DIL to go back to work. I will do whatever I can to help them."

She is not only giving a suggestion to work, but offering support (childcare?). Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

In my case, DH was making $800,000 in IT, and as a contractor temp, I was making $25/hour. It is a no brainer for us.

Butt, I know what you mean. If I were to do college over again, I would have explored higher paying careers outside of education. I hope for my girls that they are faced with the hard question of who stays home with their children because they are on par with their DH's salary.

IT engineer here. Can you elaborate on how your DH commands this income? I am a system engineer, working requirement specs, integration, and operations --make $115k -- if I made half your DH my DW could stay home.

If I made 200k, my DW could stay home (willingly).

We could make it work but lots of travel to see family so hard to manage that expense even on reduced income. PP any tips for us IT plebes?

[Anonymous]

I don't. I worked and saved all my money, letting the money grow. And then retired very early (age 40). I also took time off with my kids (3 years with the first one), so I feel pretty good. However, not everything was because of my brilliant plan. My DH makes good money and he is a pretty old-fashioned in that he did not touch my money. My money grew and allowed me to leave the work place. DH and I both are pretty non-materialistic, so amassing huge wealth was never an issue for us. We wanted to pay for a house, retirement and 8 years of college for two kids (state schools), and we did that.

The only reason for regret would be if I left a brilliant career that saved lives. I was not that. I was working in corporate America and basically I was easily replaceable. I probably would have regretted being a SAHM if my DH was abusive or a cheat, which he is not. I have a great marriage. I would also have regretted it if money was super-tight, which it is not.

In short, I did not regret because of being fortunate in life about many things. Otherwise, I can totally get why women would be in a bad position being a SAHM - even if it would be great for their kids etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't. I worked and saved all my money, letting the money grow. And then retired very early (age 40). I also took time off with my kids (3 years with the first one), so I feel pretty good. However, not everything was because of my brilliant plan. My DH makes good money and he is a pretty old-fashioned in that he did not touch my money. My money grew and allowed me to leave the work place. DH and I both are pretty non-materialistic, so amassing huge wealth was never an issue for us. We wanted to pay for a house, retirement and 8 years of college for two kids (state schools), and we did that.

The only reason for regret would be if I left a brilliant career that saved lives. I was not that. I was working in corporate America and basically I was easily replaceable. I probably would have regretted being a SAHM if my DH was abusive or a cheat, which he is not. I have a great marriage. I would also have regretted it if money was super-tight, which it is not.

In short, I did not regret because of being fortunate in life about many things. Otherwise, I can totally get why women would be in a bad position being a SAHM - even if it would be great for their kids etc.

So this is not a criticism at all. It's great that things worked out for you. But I'm curious. If your dh was traditional enough that he didn't view your salary as hhi, would he have been supportive if you wanted to continue working? Was there such a massive savings/income difference that he didn't need your money for large expenses like house down payment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. I worked and saved all my money, letting the money grow. And then retired very early (age 40). I also took time off with my kids (3 years with the first one), so I feel pretty good. However, not everything was because of my brilliant plan. My DH makes good money and he is a pretty old-fashioned in that he did not touch my money. My money grew and allowed me to leave the work place. DH and I both are pretty non-materialistic, so amassing huge wealth was never an issue for us. We wanted to pay for a house, retirement and 8 years of college for two kids (state schools), and we did that.

The only reason for regret would be if I left a brilliant career that saved lives. I was not that. I was working in corporate America and basically I was easily replaceable. I probably would have regretted being a SAHM if my DH was abusive or a cheat, which he is not. I have a great marriage. I would also have regretted it if money was super-tight, which it is not.

In short, I did not regret because of being fortunate in life about many things. Otherwise, I can totally get why women would be in a bad position being a SAHM - even if it would be great for their kids etc.

So this is not a criticism at all. It's great that things worked out for you. But I'm curious. If your dh was traditional enough that he didn't view your salary as hhi, would he have been supportive if you wanted to continue working? Was there such a massive savings/income difference that he didn't need your money for large expenses like house down payment?

DH is a curious mix of traditional and non-traditional views. His traditional views are chivalrous rather than chauvinistic. He is very supportive even now if I want to work, or volunteer or even pursue a hobby. So, the trajectory of my life is pretty much in my hand, even now. The decision for me to quit happened because both of us had the same childcare philosophy. We believed that we needed a parent or grandparent at home, so one of us needed to SAH, and his benefits were infinitely better than mine. I believe he would have been ok being a SAH parent and being the primary caregiver, though we never had to cross that bridge or face societal pressure of having the dad be a SAHP.

Let me be very honest and say that I was very conflicted while leaving my work. Mainly because this was a field where I would lose seniority and could not go back easily. So, my question to him at the time was - is there any expectation that I will go back to work for money at any time in my life? He made sure to increase our life insurance so that if God forbid anything happens to him, I will not have to go back to work, and my retirement and other obligations (kids college, kids marriage) will be taken care of, for the rest of my life. We also calculated what I was losing in terms of my retirement, social security etc. Trust me, this was entered into with eyes wide open. And even while my salary was 1/3 of his, it was a pretty decent salary.

Since we were always managing on one salary alone - we actually bought a house on his earnings. Which meant that we did not buy the house that we could have afforded on both salaries. It is actually a house that is less than what could have been afforded on his salary too. We were lucky to have bought at the time when the housing market was rock bottom, lucky that we did not have student debt or consumer debt.

So, this was a combination of factors - same parenting philosophy, a low cost house, no student debt, one salary saved, retirement and college for two kids worked out, kids going to public schools etc. I have no expectation that my own DD will be so lucky as to have the same life. Being a SAHM is a huge financial risk for most women. You have to be independently wealthy to have the choice not to work for pay. I was able to do that as a middle class person, because what we wanted out of life, we could get while living below our means.

I am disgusted with the lack of childcare and maternity leave in this country, because women are truly in a tough spot. I do not expect anything to change in a hurry either. This has colored how I have advised my own daughter about her career choices. She has chosen to be in STEM field, and I am guiding her towards a career that will have more flexibility if she becomes a mom one day. I cannot bank on the fact that she will marry someone like her dad and who will be supportive. My advice to her is to have no student debt (we will help with that) and to know that she has to earn enough to finance her house, childcare, kid's college and her retirement, on her own. So, that is the financial side of things.

I know this is the money forum and no one has asked about it, but I feel that staying at home has been very beneficial to my kids emotional and physical health, their achievement at school and beyond, the health of my marriage, our ability to weather storms (parents health, family emergencies), my husband's job, the way my house runs, health of my family etc.

However, all this is not possible if you have financial woes and frankly for many households the dual income is needed for survival.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When i read these threads i really wonder by DCUM doesnt get together and get maternity leave for women. My story is as follows
DC1 : Took 1 year maternity leave. In Uk
Went back to work part time (3 days a week, 1 from home, 1 day off)
DC 2: took one year maternity leave (still in UK)
Went back to work part time (3 days a week, 1 from home, 1 day off)
Moved to us in 2012. Did not work until 2015. Got back into full time work but with lots of flexiblity.
I have two working moms in my team and i give them lots of flexibility.
Its a fucked up work culture here. Women need some time off for their kids but most want to get back into the workforce.The choices and discussion should not be this polarized

Women in the US should go on strike. Have a walkout like they've done in other countries for wages. Not having any women show up for work for a few days would have an immediate impact.

Then lets do it, why don't we?

What is the point of telling our daughters that they can be anything they want to be, when they have to scuttle their career after childbirth if they choose to stay at home for some time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. I worked and saved all my money, letting the money grow. And then retired very early (age 40). I also took time off with my kids (3 years with the first one), so I feel pretty good. However, not everything was because of my brilliant plan. My DH makes good money and he is a pretty old-fashioned in that he did not touch my money. My money grew and allowed me to leave the work place. DH and I both are pretty non-materialistic, so amassing huge wealth was never an issue for us. We wanted to pay for a house, retirement and 8 years of college for two kids (state schools), and we did that.

The only reason for regret would be if I left a brilliant career that saved lives. I was not that. I was working in corporate America and basically I was easily replaceable. I probably would have regretted being a SAHM if my DH was abusive or a cheat, which he is not. I have a great marriage. I would also have regretted it if money was super-tight, which it is not.

In short, I did not regret because of being fortunate in life about many things. Otherwise, I can totally get why women would be in a bad position being a SAHM - even if it would be great for their kids etc.

So this is not a criticism at all. It's great that things worked out for you. But I'm curious. If your dh was traditional enough that he didn't view your salary as hhi, would he have been supportive if you wanted to continue working? Was there such a massive savings/income difference that he didn't need your money for large expenses like house down payment?

DH is a curious mix of traditional and non-traditional views. His traditional views are chivalrous rather than chauvinistic. He is very supportive even now if I want to work, or volunteer or even pursue a hobby. So, the trajectory of my life is pretty much in my hand, even now. The decision for me to quit happened because both of us had the same childcare philosophy. We believed that we needed a parent or grandparent at home, so one of us needed to SAH, and his benefits were infinitely better than mine. I believe he would have been ok being a SAH parent and being the primary caregiver, though we never had to cross that bridge or face societal pressure of having the dad be a SAHP.

Let me be very honest and say that I was very conflicted while leaving my work. Mainly because this was a field where I would lose seniority and could not go back easily. So, my question to him at the time was - is there any expectation that I will go back to work for money at any time in my life? He made sure to increase our life insurance so that if God forbid anything happens to him, I will not have to go back to work, and my retirement and other obligations (kids college, kids marriage) will be taken care of, for the rest of my life. We also calculated what I was losing in terms of my retirement, social security etc. Trust me, this was entered into with eyes wide open. And even while my salary was 1/3 of his, it was a pretty decent salary.

Since we were always managing on one salary alone - we actually bought a house on his earnings. Which meant that we did not buy the house that we could have afforded on both salaries. It is actually a house that is less than what could have been afforded on his salary too. We were lucky to have bought at the time when the housing market was rock bottom, lucky that we did not have student debt or consumer debt.

So, this was a combination of factors - same parenting philosophy, a low cost house, no student debt, one salary saved, retirement and college for two kids worked out, kids going to public schools etc. I have no expectation that my own DD will be so lucky as to have the same life. Being a SAHM is a huge financial risk for most women. You have to be independently wealthy to have the choice not to work for pay. I was able to do that as a middle class person, because what we wanted out of life, we could get while living below our means.

I am disgusted with the lack of childcare and maternity leave in this country, because women are truly in a tough spot. I do not expect anything to change in a hurry either. This has colored how I have advised my own daughter about her career choices. She has chosen to be in STEM field, and I am guiding her towards a career that will have more flexibility if she becomes a mom one day. I cannot bank on the fact that she will marry someone like her dad and who will be supportive. My advice to her is to have no student debt (we will help with that) and to know that she has to earn enough to finance her house, childcare, kid's college and her retirement, on her own. So, that is the financial side of things.

I know this is the money forum and no one has asked about it, but I feel that staying at home has been very beneficial to my kids emotional and physical health, their achievement at school and beyond, the health of my marriage, our ability to weather storms (parents health, family emergencies), my husband's job, the way my house runs, health of my family etc.

However, all this is not possible if you have financial woes and frankly for many households the dual income is needed for survival.

How do you know if it's enough for retirement? How did you calculate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. I worked and saved all my money, letting the money grow. And then retired very early (age 40). I also took time off with my kids (3 years with the first one), so I feel pretty good. However, not everything was because of my brilliant plan. My DH makes good money and he is a pretty old-fashioned in that he did not touch my money. My money grew and allowed me to leave the work place. DH and I both are pretty non-materialistic, so amassing huge wealth was never an issue for us. We wanted to pay for a house, retirement and 8 years of college for two kids (state schools), and we did that.

The only reason for regret would be if I left a brilliant career that saved lives. I was not that. I was working in corporate America and basically I was easily replaceable. I probably would have regretted being a SAHM if my DH was abusive or a cheat, which he is not. I have a great marriage. I would also have regretted it if money was super-tight, which it is not.

In short, I did not regret because of being fortunate in life about many things. Otherwise, I can totally get why women would be in a bad position being a SAHM - even if it would be great for their kids etc.

So this is not a criticism at all. It's great that things worked out for you. But I'm curious. If your dh was traditional enough that he didn't view your salary as hhi, would he have been supportive if you wanted to continue working? Was there such a massive savings/income difference that he didn't need your money for large expenses like house down payment?

DH is a curious mix of traditional and non-traditional views. His traditional views are chivalrous rather than chauvinistic. He is very supportive even now if I want to work, or volunteer or even pursue a hobby. So, the trajectory of my life is pretty much in my hand, even now. The decision for me to quit happened because both of us had the same childcare philosophy. We believed that we needed a parent or grandparent at home, so one of us needed to SAH, and his benefits were infinitely better than mine. I believe he would have been ok being a SAH parent and being the primary caregiver, though we never had to cross that bridge or face societal pressure of having the dad be a SAHP.

Let me be very honest and say that I was very conflicted while leaving my work. Mainly because this was a field where I would lose seniority and could not go back easily. So, my question to him at the time was - is there any expectation that I will go back to work for money at any time in my life? He made sure to increase our life insurance so that if God forbid anything happens to him, I will not have to go back to work, and my retirement and other obligations (kids college, kids marriage) will be taken care of, for the rest of my life. We also calculated what I was losing in terms of my retirement, social security etc. Trust me, this was entered into with eyes wide open. And even while my salary was 1/3 of his, it was a pretty decent salary.

Since we were always managing on one salary alone - we actually bought a house on his earnings. Which meant that we did not buy the house that we could have afforded on both salaries. It is actually a house that is less than what could have been afforded on his salary too. We were lucky to have bought at the time when the housing market was rock bottom, lucky that we did not have student debt or consumer debt.

So, this was a combination of factors - same parenting philosophy, a low cost house, no student debt, one salary saved, retirement and college for two kids worked out, kids going to public schools etc. I have no expectation that my own DD will be so lucky as to have the same life. Being a SAHM is a huge financial risk for most women. You have to be independently wealthy to have the choice not to work for pay. I was able to do that as a middle class person, because what we wanted out of life, we could get while living below our means.

I am disgusted with the lack of childcare and maternity leave in this country, because women are truly in a tough spot. I do not expect anything to change in a hurry either. This has colored how I have advised my own daughter about her career choices. She has chosen to be in STEM field, and I am guiding her towards a career that will have more flexibility if she becomes a mom one day. I cannot bank on the fact that she will marry someone like her dad and who will be supportive. My advice to her is to have no student debt (we will help with that) and to know that she has to earn enough to finance her house, childcare, kid's college and her retirement, on her own. So, that is the financial side of things.

I know this is the money forum and no one has asked about it, but I feel that staying at home has been very beneficial to my kids emotional and physical health, their achievement at school and beyond, the health of my marriage, our ability to weather storms (parents health, family emergencies), my husband's job, the way my house runs, health of my family etc.

However, all this is not possible if you have financial woes and frankly for many households the dual income is needed for survival.

How many people are in the position of having retirement and college for two kids "worked out" when they are in their 30's and having babies? I'm in my 40's, husband and I have both always worked, we have always maxed 401ks and contribute what seems like a lot to 529 plans, and do not feel that we can stop saving. Certainly could not have stopped saving 13 years ago when we had our first kid.