Anyone regret becoming a stay at home mom?

[Anonymous]

While we could make ends meet on one salary, our long-term investing would be very much compromised. Our childcare costs are nearly as much as my take-home pay (and after 20% has already been siphoned off into my retirement account) but if a few years our childcare costs will greatly decrease and my earning power will have increased. I know that in the short-term, staying home would be so much easier, but we're playing the long game here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was a SAHM. She has nothing but a big empty house and wanted to go to work full time, but she is so out of touch she would be an HR nightmare. She threw a fit recently because she isn't getting her social security because she never worked and my father has excellent retirement benefits. I am going back to work ASAP. I just can't deal with the isolation. We also can't make in DC with one salary and I can make good money.

she can get ss based on the working spouse's record. She would get roughly half of what the working spouse gets, but it's better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I regret not being one... Or, to be more precise, not being one when my kids were babies/toddlers. Well, probably many times.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were babies/toddlers, I was so glad that I worked. I think it was good for them too because they were able to socialize,and good for me because as much as I love my kids I really needed a break from Ll the "baby stuff".

While it may be counterintuitive, I'd recommend that any high earner who wants to become a SAHM do it when the kids are school age. ...maybe starting in 3rd grade. There are so many activities that I'd love for my DD/DS to participate in but logistically they aren't possible. I could clean/ cook during the day and help with homework at night...rather than feel exhausted all the time. It's really hard to work FT at a demanding job to come home and review homework and do all the cleaning on weekends.

If I was a SAHM, the biggest problem would be financial. We've fully funded 2 529 plans (at least could cover in state tuition anywhere)...definitely would not do it if I didn't work. My kids are both involved in a few but very expensive activities which we wouldn't be able to afford without my income.

[Anonymous]

Life is full of regrets. You could easily post this to parents who work 80+ hours a week and have several nannies. You chose what is best for the situation at hand. There is no sense in looking back or looking to others for your decision. In an ideal world, the US would have paid longer parental leave but, it doesn't. You do what you do to survive. If you need to work, than you work.

The fact that you are having this discussion means you have a choice, which is great! More and more moms opt in and out sooner than older generations. It isn't all or nothing anymore.

Good luck in your decision!

[Anonymous]

oh god yes. i lived in a near suburb, had "everything i could ever want", was a "great mommy", giving my kids every opportunity under the sun. i also became neurotic and obsessed with my children's "success". i feel ridiculous and guilty now. my kids turned out great, but i genuinely think they would have turned out the same with half the effort, and they would probably be less guarded around me. now i've been out of the job market for too long, i feel dumber than i felt in college because i haven't continued to challenge myself intellectually.

frankly, i see versions of myself all over DCUM. mommys obsessed with every inconsequential detail of parenting. stressing over the smallest social slight, real or imagined. once you engrain these habits, they are so hard to break. i feel like my preoccupation with parenting and the inflated importance of being a parent, it actively trained me to be a less interesting and likable person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh god yes. i lived in a near suburb, had "everything i could ever want", was a "great mommy", giving my kids every opportunity under the sun. i also became neurotic and obsessed with my children's "success". i feel ridiculous and guilty now. my kids turned out great, but i genuinely think they would have turned out the same with half the effort, and they would probably be less guarded around me. now i've been out of the job market for too long, i feel dumber than i felt in college because i haven't continued to challenge myself intellectually.

frankly, i see versions of myself all over DCUM. mommys obsessed with every inconsequential detail of parenting. stressing over the smallest social slight, real or imagined. once you engrain these habits, they are so hard to break. i feel like my preoccupation with parenting and the inflated importance of being a parent, it actively trained me to be a less interesting and likable person.

I'm sure you're not as bad as you think! But your post reminded me of my aunt who was a SAHM (I'm not one though if we could afford it I think I would be): one time I was visiting her and her kids were napping and she put on a Raffi CD because she really liked the music. I felt really sorry for her at that point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to drive me up a wall telling me how much I'll want to SAH when the kids were born, never mind that outside of really enjoying my career we couldn't really hack it on one salary in NW. Anyways, over the holidays after a few glasses of wine she told me how envious she was I got to keep working and loved my job and I was able to sort it all out. She said in her day it was off the table bc no one would have been open to making concessions for life outside work (I work from home once a week) and she started to lose work when we were born bc her company assumed dad was paying all the bills.

Anyways no real point. I just always thought her choice was so cut and dry. Also we have so far to go in regards to working famlies but I feel lucky I don't have to face down what she did and I have choices.

I've experienced something similar with my mom. My mom also didn't have a supportive spouse or one who would help at home. Regardless of whether she worked or not, my dad expected her to do everything at home. I mean everything. So I think she initially this would be me situation as well and encouraged me to be a sahm. She didn't want me stuck with two jobs. But now I have a great job and a supportive spouse who shares responsibilities at home. I think she recognizes how I have a great thing going

+1. My mom marvels that my DH is home for dinner (and cooks it 90 percent of the time) and knows the ins and outs of our kids' schedules, homework issues, activities, and who their pediatrician is etc. So different than the way I grew up. She was really nervous about me not being a SAHM but now is envious of what we've pulled off. And a lot has changed - we both WFH regularly which is something she could never imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is full of regrets. You could easily post this to parents who work 80+ hours a week and have several nannies. You chose what is best for the situation at hand. There is no sense in looking back or looking to others for your decision. In an ideal world, the US would have paid longer parental leave but, it doesn't. You do what you do to survive. If you need to work, than you work.

The fact that you are having this discussion means you have a choice, which is great! More and more moms opt in and out sooner than older generations. It isn't all or nothing anymore.

Good luck in your decision!

+1 so far haven't regretted it but for our family there was not much of a choice.