Anyone regret becoming a stay at home mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

In my case, DH was making $800,000 in IT, and as a contractor temp, I was making $25/hour. It is a no brainer for us.

Butt, I know what you mean. If I were to do college over again, I would have explored higher paying careers outside of education. I hope for my girls that they are faced with the hard question of who stays home with their children because they are on par with their DH's salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

In my case, DH was making $800,000 in IT, and as a contractor temp, I was making $25/hour. It is a no brainer for us.

Butt, I know what you mean. If I were to do college over again, I would have explored higher paying careers outside of education. I hope for my girls that they are faced with the hard question of who stays home with their children because they are on par with their DH's salary.

Why did you major education? Did your mom stay home and did you consider it a real possibility when you were younger?

[Anonymous]

I just feel I am extremely lucky I found a government job after being a SAHM for 5 years when my second one is almost in K. I quit when my first one was born. Now because the income I am bringing in we could move to a new-built house in nova top pyramid school zone.

[Anonymous]

I stopped working about 7.5 years ago (dear god, where does time go!?!). My youngest is almost 3, and I am itching to get back into the workforce. I have loved being at home and the flexibility it affords us. I will be reluctant to enter the workforce if it means having no flexibility at all.

That said, I have friends from law school that are state supreme court justices, associate managing partners for major national firms, members of congress, etc. It kind of makes me feel like I've wasted something, although I don't think I would have wanted the work and sacrifice it took to get any of those things.

[Anonymous]

I regret believing the words that came out of my husbands mouth--that he supported my choice, that he appreciated having me run the household. He was lying and now I am paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed at home to raise my kids, working a part time job for only a few years. My husband recently decided he no longer wants to be married and I am dealing with the repercussions of staying home. My kids had the luxury of my being home but the real person who benefitted was my husband who didn't lift a finger around the house for years. I now need to face a retirement that will be radically different than what we planned for. I have daughters and will strongly encourage them to never fully leave the work force.

Yikes. Don't let this post get buried. Something to think about and be aware of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes and no.
I was home for 5.5 years.

I loved the first few years at home.
However, I lost seniority in my field and I also lost 5 years of retirement contributions by staying home.
If I could do it again I would have returned to work after 2 or 3 years. I began to really struggle during my last year at home---I was bored and restless and really missed the stimulation of work. However, it took me about a year to figure out what I wanted to do, apply and get hired.

We live off my husband's income as a physician so we don't need my income and I don't need my retirement funds. But it's pretty powerful and awesome to watch the money grow and know that I earned it.

Wish I knew you, as this was me. Never found a way to love being a sah especially after kids were older. Back at work now after a similar gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am glad to be a SAHM but in some ways I do regret it. I imagined I would be able to do much more for my kids. There are a few things underestkmated

1) there is a lot of freaking housework. I pictured myself doing crafts and preparing healthy meals from scratch and teaching them sight words and leading playgroups. Maybr some super moms can do it all but not me. I now appreciate the entire team of individuals that worked at daycare so much more.

2) when both my husband and I worked it seemed genuinely equitable between us in terms of parenting stress. Now they are VERY attached to me which iOS sometimes hard (separation anxiety) and it also feels like I stole a littl something from their very giving and committed dad.

3) my wardrobe, hair, exercise regimen etc all suck now - was much easier to have that little piece of myself when I was a working mom.

4) I had both kids after 40 and they are exhausting. And I am starting to feel my age. I sometimes feel like maybe at my age I bit off more than I could chew by trying to stay home with hem. I am tired, my back is seriously going and I have had some cancer scares already.

Otherwise, no regrets, I love spending this time with them!!

It sounds like kids are still very young! That is tough for all SAH, no matter what the age. Once they start preschool it will be better, then elementary school you will be living the dream -- hang in there!

Meh, only if you lve for event planning or the gym, otherwise your mind turns to mush. if you want to go back to work, op, it is possible, just keep your time off to a few years. This is the path most sah moms take,,including me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

In my case, DH was making $800,000 in IT, and as a contractor temp, I was making $25/hour. It is a no brainer for us.

Butt, I know what you mean. If I were to do college over again, I would have explored higher paying careers outside of education. I hope for my girls that they are faced with the hard question of who stays home with their children because they are on par with their DH's salary.

I know a family where both spouses worked, despite significant family wealth (her's) and a high income on the part of the husband. Part of it is income, but you do see many female attorneys SAH.

I will say in our case our incomes are both high enough for a parent to stay at home, but we both work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

DH here. I always looked for family friendly work and my DW and I had pretty similar careers. I wanted to be egalitarian, so we sure split drop off and pickup, despite taking lots of flak from my customers. I even considered staying home since she had a chance at a big promotion.

But now that we are older parents I see how it works, how the parent networks at schools are run by moms, mostly SAHMs, and dads are really shut out there (look up any thread about the isolation of SAHDs). But now because I focused my career on work life balance for both of us, I have few paths to boost it to a breadwinner role despite us both seeing the real value of having a parent at home and that parent being the mom.

I am not advocating that women should always be the default parent but unless you do that you can severely limit future choices.

I am a WOH who works fulltime, and I think this idea of some SAHM school cabal is so overdramatic and ridiculous. My kids' school is filled with SAHMs who do a great job volunteering and who are also welcoming of me and the work I do to pitch in (which is work I do in evenings/weekends). Some of them have become my close friends. My DH, who also volunteers, has not been remotely shut out and his efforts are also welcomed. The idea that you'd change career paths based on the idea of a SAHM school cabal seems so melodramatic.

Also, let's assume for a moment you're right and imagine a fantasy world where the parent networks at school are entirely run by exclusionary SAHMs who won't even talk to you if you are a male or WOHM. What impact does that even have in your life and on your children compared to the impact of job stability, work/life balance, health insurance, etc.? Their teachers are still their teachers. Their school is still their school. They make friends of their own accord and you can't force that no matter how many playdates you try to orchestrate.

This just seems so drama llama to me.

Its not like they refuse to talk to him at school (but they do refuse to have playdates at each others house, talk at the park, or invite to coffee after drop-off),but don't kid yourself that a SAHD or your DH volunteering is treated as an outsider as far as the social aspect of school. Your involvement helps moderate it, especially if you are especially friendly and high energy -- which if you volunteer evenings and weekends, that must be. Our school doesn't have any weekend volunteer activities, never heard of that.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/506934.page

As for the impact just read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/596930.page

Okay, let's say that's entirely true. Let's say that WOHMs and SAHDs are fully socially marginalized at school. Let's say that no SAHM will allow their child to have a playdate with the child of a WOHM or SAHD, ever. What impact does that have on your life and the lives of your children that comes anywhere close to the impact that stable financial situations, flexible jobs, health insurance etc have? What you're suggesting seems so melodramatic to me.

Also, IME there is plenty of school volunteer work that can be done weekends/evenings. Most of it is organizational in nature, or is take-home work to help the teacher. But you don't have to volunteer at all, and your kids will be fine, and if they're not fine the problems likely have very little to do with whether you volunteered in their classrooms or not.

Did you even read the 2nd thread? There was a chorus of DCUM moms telling OP that her 5th grader doesn't have friends mostly because she didn't volunteer in the classroom and cultivate friendships. Invisible take it home volunteer work for the teacher? Worthless, they said -- you need to rub elbows and build those connections. So the parents roles in kids friendships, as annoying as it is, is true and that is a significant impact on the lives of our children, as you so addressed. Schools is super scheduled now, and the kids gravitate to the kids they see outside of school.

Yes. I read it. It still doesn't address my question, which was what impact there is that comes close to the impact that family financial health and security has on the outcome of kids?

Also, why on earth would you want to be part of and in fact go out of your way to join groups of people that are teaching their kids such horrific values? If there was a SAHM cabal whose members deliberately shunned the children of WOHMs and SAHDs, why would you let your children anywhere near them? Why would you quit a job to worm your way into that crowd? It seems like you'd be teaching the worst of values.

+1 This whole line of reasoning makes no sense to me. The idea that your kids can only have friends if you network at the school seems like a crazy combination of helicoptering and rationalization.

They aren't shunning out of spite; it's just too much work to fit these different people into their lives -- especially SAHDs coming over for playdates can make many DHs wary, and can you imagine meeting for coffee just a SAHM and SAHD -- the scandal, but SAHMs do it all the time. Likewise, meeting for coffee with a WOHM means coordinating work schedules, leave, etc -- rather than just spontaneous after drop-off jaunt. It's not spiteful, but it is how the mom friendships operate, and the moms communicate and arrange playdates and kids activity coordination, that is just how it is. It's not malice, but just disinterest; proximity drives a lot of friendships at this age.

At our school, ALL of the girls in my DDs 4th grade class have SAHM but us. It's crazy, but when you are the different one you have to work harder to bridge in to the group -- it isn't like there are other schools we can go to, all of them in Bethesda are overcapacity.

I volunteered at the elementary schools but my kids played with friends on our street and socialized with kids who attended the same after school activities that they did. Volunteering was worthwhile and a really great experience, I'm glad that I did it for a lot of reasons but that isn't how my kids made friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just feel I am extremely lucky I found a government job after being a SAHM for 5 years when my second one is almost in K. I quit when my first one was born. Now because the income I am bringing in we could move to a new-built house in nova top pyramid school zone.

I'm sure it wasn't just luck. Plenty of SAHMs have great credentials and lots of work experience under their belt before they SAH. Then they go back to work when it's right. It's just different timing for different moms and not luck. Well done.

[Anonymous]

I was a stay at home Mom for ten years. I went back to work almost two years ago and had to take a super crappy position, paying half of what I made before I left the workforce. I recently was able to work my way to a better position, but had to pay my dues to catch up for time lost. I took several continuing education courses and worked horrible hours for terrible pay, but I am at least getting better compensation now.
Retrospectively, I honestly wish I never left the workforce. I wish i had been contributing toward retirement and other savings goals during the SAH years. Hindsight is always, 20/20, but to answer your question, yes I have regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am glad to be a SAHM but in some ways I do regret it. I imagined I would be able to do much more for my kids. There are a few things underestkmated

1) there is a lot of freaking housework. I pictured myself doing crafts and preparing healthy meals from scratch and teaching them sight words and leading playgroups. Maybr some super moms can do it all but not me. I now appreciate the entire team of individuals that worked at daycare so much more.

2) when both my husband and I worked it seemed genuinely equitable between us in terms of parenting stress. Now they are VERY attached to me which iOS sometimes hard (separation anxiety) and it also feels like I stole a littl something from their very giving and committed dad.

3) my wardrobe, hair, exercise regimen etc all suck now - was much easier to have that little piece of myself when I was a working mom.

4) I had both kids after 40 and they are exhausting. And I am starting to feel my age. I sometimes feel like maybe at my age I bit off more than I could chew by trying to stay home with hem. I am tired, my back is seriously going and I have had some cancer scares already.

Otherwise, no regrets, I love spending this time with them!!

It sounds like kids are still very young! That is tough for all SAH, no matter what the age. Once they start preschool it will be better, then elementary school you will be living the dream -- hang in there!

+1

[Anonymous]

As a working mom (attorney), I wish I had more time with my kids. Because we have 3 kids, I feel more stretched and like I don't have enough time for the kids.

Here was my history:

Age 31-32: Stayed home for 1 year with my first born. I found it very rewarding and satisfying

Ages 32-42: Worked part time in a good job that was with a well-known company because I figured it would put me in a good situation for later employment. (I wasn't looking to re-enter the workforce, but got a call from an old colleague with the part-time opportunity. Also, my DH's income was OK but we weren't able to save for college.) I had 2 more kids during this time. In hindsight, I paid A LOT for babysitting services to cover my odd hours. (My hours were part-time, but not always the same each week, hence the need for additional coverage.) It was a huge blessing to have that flexible babysitting coverage, but it made it feel like most of my income went to pay for the babysitting help. It was a stressful time because the kids were young and needed a lot of attention, and yet I felt like I was dashing off to work. (Fortunately, only a small bit of travel was required.)

Age 43-present. For the past 2 years, I've been back full-time. I'm very satisfied with my salary and benefits and feel like I'm setting us up for a better retirement etc, but I feel guilty that it's full-time. I ask the kids if they'd like me to cut back, and they all say "no" it doesn't bother them that I work full-time. Granted, I still feel stressed.

I have to put a conscious effort into not looking stressed to my kids because I don't want them to grow up as anxious kids.

I do exercise, but wish I had more time for more exercise, some alone time, etc.

The biggest stress still comes on days when one of our kids is home sick from school. That is a source of tension between my DH and me -- who's going to be the one to stay home until the babysitter can arrive (if she's willing to work when one of our kids is sick.)

So in a nutshell, I think that there are a lot of stresses that come with being a working mom. Sure, our family's financial situation is much better in our case than if we stayed home. But it feels hectic. Granted, some people are better able to juggle the duties than others. I have discovered about my self that I probably would have been better off focusing only on my kids for 20 years, and then re-entering the workforce. But for better jugglers, I think that part-time is a nice option. And if your DH has a good income and is trustworthy and committed, then I think being a SAHM is a great option.

[Anonymous]

I do not regret staying at home, but we save much more than people would expect. My husband and I do not own more than 5 pairs of shoes each, including sneakers, boots etc. The moms and dads I know who work spend a lot more money on everything: clothes, food, car, hair, sitters, cleaners, housekeepers, etc. It adds up. If I married a "spender", I would not stay home. We are both financially conservative, so there is no financial stress at the moment.

If I had family money, I will not hesitate to stay home for another 10 years.

Yes, I am jealous of my friends who never stayed home. But the only thing I am jealous of is their high salaries.
I will go back to work, but it is all about money. If my husband made 400K a year, forget it. I would find a part-time/volunteer gig in our neighborhood.

There are a million things in life more fulfilling than a career. No, I do not want to work 60-100 hours for a slim chance at making partner, and then be rewarded with more hours and stress. I'd rather spend my evenings on the couch holding my toddler, reading DCUM and discussing politics. The extra money would be nice though. But it does not motivate me enough enough to want that path.

Maybe I chose the wrong career. Perhaps I would find some fulfillment in my career if I were a pediatrician or an immunologist, ... I might never know because I have not yet figured out how to pay for any more school.