Anyone regret becoming a stay at home mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. I worked and saved all my money, letting the money grow. And then retired very early (age 40). I also took time off with my kids (3 years with the first one), so I feel pretty good. However, not everything was because of my brilliant plan. My DH makes good money and he is a pretty old-fashioned in that he did not touch my money. My money grew and allowed me to leave the work place. DH and I both are pretty non-materialistic, so amassing huge wealth was never an issue for us. We wanted to pay for a house, retirement and 8 years of college for two kids (state schools), and we did that.

The only reason for regret would be if I left a brilliant career that saved lives. I was not that. I was working in corporate America and basically I was easily replaceable. I probably would have regretted being a SAHM if my DH was abusive or a cheat, which he is not. I have a great marriage. I would also have regretted it if money was super-tight, which it is not.

In short, I did not regret because of being fortunate in life about many things. Otherwise, I can totally get why women would be in a bad position being a SAHM - even if it would be great for their kids etc.

So this is not a criticism at all. It's great that things worked out for you. But I'm curious. If your dh was traditional enough that he didn't view your salary as hhi, would he have been supportive if you wanted to continue working? Was there such a massive savings/income difference that he didn't need your money for large expenses like house down payment?

DH is a curious mix of traditional and non-traditional views. His traditional views are chivalrous rather than chauvinistic. He is very supportive even now if I want to work, or volunteer or even pursue a hobby. So, the trajectory of my life is pretty much in my hand, even now. The decision for me to quit happened because both of us had the same childcare philosophy. We believed that we needed a parent or grandparent at home, so one of us needed to SAH, and his benefits were infinitely better than mine. I believe he would have been ok being a SAH parent and being the primary caregiver, though we never had to cross that bridge or face societal pressure of having the dad be a SAHP.

Let me be very honest and say that I was very conflicted while leaving my work. Mainly because this was a field where I would lose seniority and could not go back easily. So, my question to him at the time was - is there any expectation that I will go back to work for money at any time in my life? He made sure to increase our life insurance so that if God forbid anything happens to him, I will not have to go back to work, and my retirement and other obligations (kids college, kids marriage) will be taken care of, for the rest of my life. We also calculated what I was losing in terms of my retirement, social security etc. Trust me, this was entered into with eyes wide open. And even while my salary was 1/3 of his, it was a pretty decent salary.

Since we were always managing on one salary alone - we actually bought a house on his earnings. Which meant that we did not buy the house that we could have afforded on both salaries. It is actually a house that is less than what could have been afforded on his salary too. We were lucky to have bought at the time when the housing market was rock bottom, lucky that we did not have student debt or consumer debt.

So, this was a combination of factors - same parenting philosophy, a low cost house, no student debt, one salary saved, retirement and college for two kids worked out, kids going to public schools etc. I have no expectation that my own DD will be so lucky as to have the same life. Being a SAHM is a huge financial risk for most women. You have to be independently wealthy to have the choice not to work for pay. I was able to do that as a middle class person, because what we wanted out of life, we could get while living below our means.

I am disgusted with the lack of childcare and maternity leave in this country, because women are truly in a tough spot. I do not expect anything to change in a hurry either. This has colored how I have advised my own daughter about her career choices. She has chosen to be in STEM field, and I am guiding her towards a career that will have more flexibility if she becomes a mom one day. I cannot bank on the fact that she will marry someone like her dad and who will be supportive. My advice to her is to have no student debt (we will help with that) and to know that she has to earn enough to finance her house, childcare, kid's college and her retirement, on her own. So, that is the financial side of things.

I know this is the money forum and no one has asked about it, but I feel that staying at home has been very beneficial to my kids emotional and physical health, their achievement at school and beyond, the health of my marriage, our ability to weather storms (parents health, family emergencies), my husband's job, the way my house runs, health of my family etc.

However, all this is not possible if you have financial woes and frankly for many households the dual income is needed for survival.

How many people are in the position of having retirement and college for two kids "worked out" when they are in their 30's and having babies? I'm in my 40's, husband and I have both always worked, we have always maxed 401ks and contribute what seems like a lot to 529 plans, and do not feel that we can stop saving. Certainly could not have stopped saving 13 years ago when we had our first kid.

People who had a DH who made partner or finished surgery residency or finally locked in enough clients/investors for their business. Not most working parents.

[Anonymous]

I've always worked. I thought I wanted to be a SAHM, but when I had my first, we really couldn't afford it so I stayed on, though I did cut back to 4 days a week which helped tremendously, just psychologically. It also helped that we had family close by and awesome daycare at work.

Over the years, my DH's earning power has greatly increased to the point where now I could easily stay home. But my earning power has also increased, and I have grown to love my career (though won't pretend I love my job every day). We also have a lot of flexibility and kids are in school now so not sure what I would do if I quit. Relax, sure, but I think I personally would get bored as DH as we have a pretty good system of team work and outsourcing.

In terms of my friends and family, it's a mixed bag. We are in our early 40s and the divorces are starting to roll in now. Two mom friends worked, but both decided to scale up after the divorce to up their earnings (one was mommy-tracked and is much happier out of her marriage and into a much better paying and much more interesting job).

I have a friend who was a SAHM and now does PT freelance, but her schedule is a mess. If you are a PT consultant, you work fewer hours but your schedule is more strict - she doesn't have the flexibility I do. I know they are also having some money problems due to her DH's erratic career path (lay off, big cut in salary when company got acquired, etc.).

My mom was a SAHM who worked PT for years, and is now working PT. It worked for her for years, though now I'm not so sure. She really doesn't feel like she can make decisions and defers to my dad. I know she is unhappy where he chose to retire, and his retirement due to some bad investments didn't go as far as they liked. They are okay but she does feel like she has to work PT now and it's hard for her some days, particularly in the winter. Then there's the family friend who I ran into last time I was in my hometown, working the make up counter at a department store. Her DH turned into an alcoholic after his very lucrative business failed and they had no insurance, she got breast cancer and is now living in an apartment and just thankful to have a job.

I've seen enough bad stories to be thankful for my career. I think SAH can work for some but it's a gamble for some too. Even if your marriage doesn't fail or your DH doesn't get laid off, etc., it seems a lot of women would like a career path after years at home.

[Anonymous]

Outsourcing the care of very young children can also be a gamble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing the care of very young children can also be a gamble.

Good thing you revived this old thread for such an amazing insight.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had gone back to work after 1 year, instead of becoming a permanent sahm. with all the time on my hands, i became a crazy mommy when my kids got older. programmed every spare minute with activities, tutoring, scheduled play dates, sports... one day i woke up and realized that my kids had never been alone for more than ten minutes in their lives. i had robbed them of the freedom i had in my childhood. daydreaming, riding my bike around for hours during long summers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing the care of very young children can also be a gamble.

Not if you do your research. The conservatives in the 50s and onward weren't really serious when they winked at you, patted your ass, and told you you were doing "the most important job in the world." They wanted to protect their interests.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I wonder what I would be doing now if I'd kept working, but mostly no. I enjoy being a SAHM and I think it's been good for my family. Working moms/SAHMs need to chill. We all need to advocate for policies that help families so women have the Choice to either work or stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing the care of very young children can also be a gamble.

Not if you do your research. The conservatives in the 50s and onward weren't really serious when they winked at you, patted your ass, and told you you were doing "the most important job in the world." They wanted to protect their interests.

sadly, I think this was true. I bought it and now I'm stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outsourcing the care of very young children can also be a gamble.

Good thing you revived this old thread for such an amazing insight.

Don't worry this bored teen goes back to school tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Yes and no.

Actually my Ex wanted me to SAH, but I didn't really want to. I wasn't all that keen on the idea, but he was pretty insistant.

I do love the time I spent with my kids (stayed home 5.5 years). I cherish the time we spent together and the bond we formed and the milestones I witnessed.

However, it doomed my marriage, because we had so many financial issues with it, and over extended to the point of almost bankruptcy, and later on divorce. It would have been better for me to go back to work to help fund the finances, but he had a hard head and did not want anyone but him and I to care for our kids...

I don't recommend it unless you have a solid financial rock standing.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a SAHM. She has nothing but a big empty house and wanted to go to work full time, but she is so out of touch she would be an HR nightmare. She threw a fit recently because she isn't getting her social security because she never worked and my father has excellent retirement benefits. I am going back to work ASAP. I just can't deal with the isolation. We also can't make in DC with one salary and I can make good money.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a permanent SAHM too- my dad retired at 60 and man are they living the dream, traveling and rotating the year in 3 states. I loved her being home. It's why I chose to stay at home- being there for my kids and family (and frankly not leading s crazy hectic life) was critical to me.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to drive me up a wall telling me how much I'll want to SAH when the kids were born, never mind that outside of really enjoying my career we couldn't really hack it on one salary in NW. Anyways, over the holidays after a few glasses of wine she told me how envious she was I got to keep working and loved my job and I was able to sort it all out. She said in her day it was off the table bc no one would have been open to making concessions for life outside work (I work from home once a week) and she started to lose work when we were born bc her company assumed dad was paying all the bills.

Anyways no real point. I just always thought her choice was so cut and dry. Also we have so far to go in regards to working famlies but I feel lucky I don't have to face down what she did and I have choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to drive me up a wall telling me how much I'll want to SAH when the kids were born, never mind that outside of really enjoying my career we couldn't really hack it on one salary in NW. Anyways, over the holidays after a few glasses of wine she told me how envious she was I got to keep working and loved my job and I was able to sort it all out. She said in her day it was off the table bc no one would have been open to making concessions for life outside work (I work from home once a week) and she started to lose work when we were born bc her company assumed dad was paying all the bills.

Anyways no real point. I just always thought her choice was so cut and dry. Also we have so far to go in regards to working famlies but I feel lucky I don't have to face down what she did and I have choices.

I've experienced something similar with my mom. My mom also didn't have a supportive spouse or one who would help at home. Regardless of whether she worked or not, my dad expected her to do everything at home. I mean everything. So I think she initially this would be me situation as well and encouraged me to be a sahm. She didn't want me stuck with two jobs. But now I have a great job and a supportive spouse who shares responsibilities at home. I think she recognizes how I have a great thing going

[Anonymous]

Once I had the second child my company just made it more difficult, for everything. The child care costs started climbing faster than my salary and one thing led to another, and here I am. Feel good for my children, they are wonderful and have benefited greatly. If I had the chance to rewrite time, I wouldn't do it, it's just been especially difficult to reenter my field. I am going to have to start from ground zero, all this while juggling two teenagers with little help from traveling husband. Don't get me wrong, he is wonderful, but I can't wait to get back out there on a full time basis and have a life outside of mother/wife.