Reply to Anyone regret becoming a stay at home mom?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't.  I worked and saved all my money, letting the money grow.  And then retired very early (age 40).  I also took time off with my kids (3 years with the first one), so I feel pretty good.  However, not everything was because of my brilliant plan.  My DH makes good money and he is a pretty old-fashioned in that he did not touch my money.  My money grew and allowed me to leave the work place.   DH and I both are pretty non-materialistic, so amassing huge wealth was never an issue for us.  We wanted to pay for a house, retirement and 8 years of college for two kids (state schools), and we did that.

The only reason for regret would be if I left a brilliant career that saved lives.  I was not that.  I was working in corporate America and basically I was easily replaceable.  I probably would have regretted being a SAHM if my DH was abusive or a cheat, which he is not. I have a great marriage.   I would also have regretted it if money was super-tight, which it is not.

In short, I did not regret because of being fortunate in life about many things.  Otherwise, I can totally get why women would be in a bad position being a SAHM - even if it would be great for their kids etc. [/quote]

So this is not a criticism at all. It's great that things worked out for you. But I'm curious. If your dh was traditional enough that he didn't view your salary as hhi, would he have been supportive if you wanted to continue working? Was there such a massive savings/income difference that he didn't need your money for large expenses like house down payment?[/quote]

DH is a curious mix of traditional and non-traditional views.  His traditional views are chivalrous rather than chauvinistic. He is very supportive even now if I want to work, or volunteer or even pursue a hobby.  So, the trajectory of my life is pretty much in my hand, even now.    The decision for me to quit happened because both of us had the same childcare philosophy.  We believed that we needed a parent or grandparent at home, so one of us needed to SAH, and his benefits were infinitely better than mine.  I believe he would have been ok being a SAH parent and being the primary caregiver, though we never had to cross that bridge or face societal pressure of having the dad be a SAHP.

Let me be very honest and say that  I was very conflicted while leaving my work.  Mainly because this was a field where I would lose seniority and could not go back easily.  So, my question to him at the time was - is there any expectation that I will go back to work for money at any time in my life?  He made sure to increase  our life insurance so that if God forbid anything happens to him, I will not have to go back to work, and my retirement and other obligations (kids college, kids marriage) will be taken care of, for the rest of my life.  We also calculated what I was losing in terms of my retirement, social security etc.  Trust me, this was entered into with eyes wide open. And even while my salary was 1/3 of his, it was a pretty decent salary.

Since we were always managing on one salary alone - we actually bought a house on his earnings.  Which meant that we did not buy the house that we could have afforded on both salaries. It is actually a house that is less than what could have been afforded on his salary too.  We were lucky to have bought at the time when the housing market was rock bottom, lucky that we did not have student debt or consumer debt.

So, this was a combination of factors - same parenting philosophy, a low cost house, no student debt, one salary saved,  retirement and college for two kids worked out, kids going to public schools etc.  I have no expectation that my own DD will be so lucky as to have the same life.  Being a SAHM is a huge financial risk for most women.  You have to be independently wealthy to have the choice not to work for pay. I was able to do that as a middle class person, because what we wanted out of life, we could get while living below our means.

I am disgusted with the lack of childcare and maternity leave in this country, because women are truly in a tough spot.  I do not expect anything to change in a hurry either. This has colored how I have advised my own daughter about her career choices. She has chosen to be in STEM field, and I am guiding her towards a career that will have more flexibility if she becomes a mom one day.  I cannot bank on the fact that she will marry someone like her dad and who will be supportive. My advice to her is to have no student debt (we will help with that) and to know that she has to earn enough to finance her house, childcare, kid's college and her retirement, on her own.  So, that is the financial side of things.

I know this is the money forum and no one has asked about it, but I feel that staying at home has been very beneficial to my kids emotional and physical health, their achievement at school and beyond, the health of my marriage, our ability to weather storms (parents health, family emergencies), my husband's job, the way my house runs, health of my family etc.

However, all this is not possible if you have financial woes and frankly for many households the dual income is needed for survival.

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