Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That is not my children's responsibility. That is not my expectation of them. End of story.

That's cool. Enjoy dying alone.

There are far worse things than dying alone my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That is not my children's responsibility. That is not my expectation of them. End of story.

That's cool. Enjoy dying alone.

There are far worse things than dying alone my friend.

I'm sure there are. It is still incredibly sad when adult children "visit" their ailing parents once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That is not my children's responsibility. That is not my expectation of them. End of story.

That's cool. Enjoy dying alone.

There are far worse things than dying alone my friend.

I'm sure there are. It is still incredibly sad when adult children "visit" their ailing parents once a year.

Again, there are far sadder things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father sounds selfish. You sound selfish. I know way too many women around your mom's age who put themselves LAST their whole lives, and stayed in bad marriages with selfish, rather miserable men, and put their children first. Maybe she's finally thinking of herself, now that she is free. There's a lot you don't know about what she went through and what she gave up, in staying with your father and putting all of you first all these years. Please don't begrudge her.

Your father is no longer her responsibility. It's very, very difficult dealing with an aging, sick parent. Don't put it on your mother. She's done her time.

And I agree that there's a lot of sexism involved in this attitude that women have to be the eternal caretakers.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents divorce.

Amen to that!

Somewhat true. My parents are selfish people and that would have been just as true had they stayed together. I certainly suffered from their divorce, but I also suffered from their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe ask her if she would act the same way if you were dealing with stress caused by caring for your SO's parents. Maybe that will put it in perspective for her.

They're not family. Ask if she would feel the same if you were caring for her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe ask her if she would act the same way if you were dealing with stress caused by caring for your SO's parents. Maybe that will put it in perspective for her.

They're not family. Ask if she would feel the same if you were caring for her parents.

I don't think these hypotheticals will work. She's obviously completely done with her ex and doesn't want him to take up any more of the time she has left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That is not my children's responsibility. That is not my expectation of them. End of story.

That's cool. Enjoy dying alone.

There are far worse things than dying alone my friend.

I'm sure there are. It is still incredibly sad when adult children "visit" their ailing parents once a year.

Again, there are far sadder things.

Maybe to you. Some people value close family ties and supporting one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That is not my children's responsibility. That is not my expectation of them. End of story.

That's cool. Enjoy dying alone.

There are far worse things than dying alone my friend.

I'm sure there are. It is still incredibly sad when adult children "visit" their ailing parents once a year.

Again, there are far sadder things.

Maybe to you. Some people value close family ties and supporting one another.

I didn't say that I didn't value close family ties and supporting one another. But I do not expect my kids to put their own lives on hold and neglect their own responsibilities in in order to take care of me when I'm old. Don't get me wrong, I really hope that I get to see them at that stage of my life. I'm pretty sure that they will want to see me. Hopefully we can make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe ask her if she would act the same way if you were dealing with stress caused by caring for your SO's parents. Maybe that will put it in perspective for her.

They're not family. Ask if she would feel the same if you were caring for her parents.

I don't think these hypotheticals will work. She's obviously completely done with her ex and doesn't want him to take up any more of the time she has left.

'

Well, that's not really possible after you have kids with someone. Who'd a thunk?

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the posts but sorry if someone else has made this point. But it may be that your mom isn't helping you because she thinks that if she helped you that you'd just use that extra help that she gave to help your dad even more. I have seen that situation firsthand with a mom taking care of her adult addict son. She takes care of everything for him. If you felt bad for her and helped her, it wouldn't actually help her be less stressed, it would just help her make his life even easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't say that I didn't value close family ties and supporting one another. But I do not expect my kids to put their own lives on hold and neglect their own responsibilities in in order to take care of me when I'm old. Don't get me wrong, I really hope that I get to see them at that stage of my life. I'm pretty sure that they will want to see me. Hopefully we can make that happen.

NP. This is some warped way of thinking. How is taking care of a loved one amounts to "putting your life on hold"? It is life. Unless you're orphaned/cut ties with family of origin, single, and childless. Again, it's a valid choice, and plenty of people enjoy it immensely. Maybe more people should consider it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't say that I didn't value close family ties and supporting one another. But I do not expect my kids to put their own lives on hold and neglect their own responsibilities in in order to take care of me when I'm old. Don't get me wrong, I really hope that I get to see them at that stage of my life. I'm pretty sure that they will want to see me. Hopefully we can make that happen.

NP. This is some warped way of thinking. How is taking care of a loved one amounts to "putting your life on hold"? It is life. Unless you're orphaned/cut ties with family of origin, single, and childless. Again, it's a valid choice, and plenty of people enjoy it immensely. Maybe more people should consider it.

It's not warped. It's simply a different cultural perspective from yours. In my family as well, as I saw from my great-grandparents, and my grandparents, my aged parents, and now for myself, we do not want to be a burden on our children or grandchildren. We want to live on our own and be as independent as possible, for as long as possible, and we want to end our years being as little trouble as possible. That doesn't preclude any of us stepping in and caring for our sick or dying elders with love and grace. We look at it with less entitlement all around. I suppose that's a basic difference between cultures that value independence and the individual versus cultures that push for hyper-dependence and putting the group over the individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't say that I didn't value close family ties and supporting one another. But I do not expect my kids to put their own lives on hold and neglect their own responsibilities in in order to take care of me when I'm old. Don't get me wrong, I really hope that I get to see them at that stage of my life. I'm pretty sure that they will want to see me. Hopefully we can make that happen.

NP. This is some warped way of thinking. How is taking care of a loved one amounts to "putting your life on hold"? It is life. Unless you're orphaned/cut ties with family of origin, single, and childless. Again, it's a valid choice, and plenty of people enjoy it immensely. Maybe more people should consider it.

It's not warped. It's simply a different cultural perspective from yours. In my family as well, as I saw from my great-grandparents, and my grandparents, my aged parents, and now for myself, we do not want to be a burden on our children or grandchildren. We want to live on our own and be as independent as possible, for as long as possible, and we want to end our years being as little trouble as possible. That doesn't preclude any of us stepping in and caring for our sick or dying elders with love and grace. We look at it with less entitlement all around. I suppose that's a basic difference between cultures that value independence and the individual versus cultures that push for hyper-dependence and putting the group over the individual.

Interestingly, you are describing my point of view to a T. Frankly, I can't see where you read I feel entitled to anything. But no, I will not abandon my elderly parents despite the fact they don't want to be a burden.

America's time as a haven for individualists has been long gone. Americans do not value individuals over group anymore and raise their children helpless and hyper-dependent on others. (Although you are correct, not family.) As someone watching from sidelines, I can assure you, your perception of your country is warped.

[Anonymous]

I fee bad for OP. It's a lot of strain caring for small children and a dying parent. The very least I'd expect from my mother is not flippantly talking about her cruise and bemoaning the lack of fun visits. Eesh.