Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well put. I couldn't agree more.

Or maybe you have been attracting the wrong kind of guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what do you do if you're 28 and your bf of 2 years promises to get married but hadn't done anything to prove its going to be a reality?

It's a tough call. Do NOT live with him. In your gut do you feel you are "the one" for him? Or do you think he still imagines there could be someone better for him out there and he is still looking? (Or is he pining for an ex?) Do you truly love him, even his faults? Or would you be settling yourself in some way? Is some progress being made such as your meeting more family, planning vacations farther into the future, talking about more serious issues and envisioning a future life together?

I'm not living with him and I do not intend to until after we are married.

He says I'm "the only one for him" and I'm the "love of his life". He's introduced me to his family and told his sister that he is thinking of proposing to me. I don't think he thinks there's someone "better" for him and he certainly isn't looking. I'm just confused since if I am the love of his life, what is he waiting for? Shouldn't he be super excited to start our life together?

It's really frustrating for me since I'm kind of in limbo here. I want to move forward with my life and deepen my relationship with him but I can't because we aren't even engaged! I can't even live with him yet or plan anything else.

We are talking of taking a vacation this year but he's super concerned about the finances.

We do talk about stuff like having children and throw around potential names. He's really sweet and voluntarily helped me out with bills and is talking of getting me a new car etc.

1) Make sure this is really, really the guy for you. If he never changes and all his annoying habits stay the same, will you be okay with that? Are you "putting up" with something that when you have less patience (due to illness or lack of sleep), will drive a wedge in your marriage. I have so many girlfriends who put up with qualities in their boyfriends that 5-10 years later, when they no longer have patience for it, is just killing them and their relationship. The guy hasn't changed, but their willingness and ability to accept them exactly the way they are is no longer there.

2) Does he accept you for exactly who you are? Is there something about you he wants to change? Does he realize that 75% of what you fight about today, you will be fighting about in 20 years? (see John Gottman's research)

3) If after all of that, you still want to marry him, then...

a) Do you talk about marriage and wedding in concrete ways. Not "someday I want to"... But "when we are married, I see *us* doing"...
b) Does he have a timeline or goal he wants to reach?
c) Is he actively working towards that goal? If he says he wants to buy you a nice ring and save up money, then goes out and blows it by eating out or buying video games or other toys, he is just kicking the can down the road because regular sex with you is easier than finding another woman to have sex with.
d) If he is 'scared of commitment' or his parents had a bad marriage and he is afraid of repeating their mistakes, is he actively doing something to deal with it? Is he in therapy or reading book. Doing the things he needs to do in order to be ready to marry you. Because a guy who thinks you are 'the one' will do what he has to do so he can marry you. The last thing he wants is someone else swoop in and marry you.
e) Tell him "I will not wait forever for you to propose." Then set up a concrete deadline in your head, but don't tell him the date. Just know if he doesn't propose by then, you will leave him and never get back together with him (even if he proposes). Pick the date based on how much time you are willing to put in and the tipping point of when you will feel like he took advantage of you and your time. (Meaning, if you knew 100% you were never going to marry him, when would you leave him?)

[Anonymous]

I am glad I don't have to be in this mess you all are in. I let women know up front parenting isn't for me.

The woman I will marry has to be with me for ME and not for my sperm.....because kids will not be happening.

Good luck to all of you...pity the guys who will be left with a sexless marriage after she is done procreating and no longer needs you for anything

Some pathological cycles in life will never end.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post reflects some fucked up notions about a woman's value. As if physical beauty is the beginning and end of what she has to offer. As if it's a good idea for her to "lock in" a life time with a guy who wouldn't want to be with her if she met him in her 30s. As if it's illegal for her to propose.

Date someone who is kind to you. If you love them, marry them. If they don't want to get married & you do, move on to someone else who is kind to you. Repeat as necessary.

I know it is fucked up, but a woman is heavily valued based upon her appearance. What rock have you been living under?

Looks may be what attracts a man, but it isn't what keeps them or what makes them want to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post reflects some fucked up notions about a woman's value. As if physical beauty is the beginning and end of what she has to offer. As if it's a good idea for her to "lock in" a life time with a guy who wouldn't want to be with her if she met him in her 30s. As if it's illegal for her to propose.

Date someone who is kind to you. If you love them, marry them. If they don't want to get married & you do, move on to someone else who is kind to you. Repeat as necessary.

I know it is fucked up, but a woman is heavily valued based upon her appearance. What rock have you been living under?

Looks may be what attracts a man, but it isn't what keeps them or what makes them want to marry.

Hard to keep a guy or progress towards marriage if you don't get an opportunity to interact with them in the first place since no one approaches you due your looks.

[Anonymous]

My biggest regret in life is that I did not marry the man I really loved because he was a divorced single father of three, and he had a vasectomy and didn't want any more kids. I still am not married and have no kids of my own. I would have been happier with him. I doubt I will ever have my own kids. For me, if I couldn't have kids in my twenties, or if I couldn't be a full time mom, I couldn't do it right. I didn't think it was fair to have kids and not give them my full attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hard to keep a guy or progress towards marriage if you don't get an opportunity to interact with them in the first place since no one approaches you due your looks.

Oh boo hoo - no one approaches you. Welcome to the life of almost every man ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hard to keep a guy or progress towards marriage if you don't get an opportunity to interact with them in the first place since no one approaches you due your looks.

Oh boo hoo - no one approaches you. Welcome to the life of almost every man ever.

You are missing the point. I am happily married. My point was yes it takes personality and character to keep a man interested. But first one must meet the man and it gets harder when one is older and the pool shrinks and guys are attracted to younger women... Which is the whole point of this thread is to seize the opportunity during your youth if you want marriage and the baby carriage and the whole she bang with a partner.

[Anonymous]

An entire thread that could be summed up with "Alpha fucks; beta bucks."

Except, the thread talks to the women, suggesting they don't waste their "good years" with "alphas."

Listen, despite what you call it, and despite the lectures, women love fucking cocky assholes in their 20s, then settle for lesser men in their 30s. They also offer 1/10th the sexual excitement for these men. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, I've pretty much said the same exact thing as OP to girls in their late twenties over the years (trusted friends or family) and it either a) scares the crap out of them or b) they eyeball you like you're the crazy anti-feminist. More and more it's been option b. I'm keeping my mouth shut more often than not.

The op puts a twist on a classic scenario. They girls aren't "letting these guys waste their best years." Rather, these girls are choosing these guys and would much rather be fucking studs than giving genuinely nice guys a chance. Nice guys sit on the back burner until they're in their 30s and fairly successful. At that point, the now "rode hard and put away wet" girls try to settle down with the nice guys because the studs are done with them.

So, perhaps the spin in to continue blaming the men in this scenario, but it's women who choose it over and over, each and every generation.

[Anonymous]

The reason why women want to marry betas is because they want to dominate their husbands. They want to drag these guys around by their balls and within a few years stop fucking their lap dog husbands.

I've seen it time and time again. A woman settles for a beta and she bitched him around and then complains that he doesn't make enough money, isn't ambitious enough, and that he has no self confidence. Happens every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am glad I don't have to be in this mess you all are in. I let women know up front parenting isn't for me.

The woman I will marry has to be with me for ME and not for my sperm.....because kids will not be happening.

Good luck to all of you...pity the guys who will be left with a sexless marriage after she is done procreating and no longer needs you for anything

Some pathological cycles in life will never end.......

Good luck finding an attractive, young woman who's never been married or had kids who absolutely does not want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hard to keep a guy or progress towards marriage if you don't get an opportunity to interact with them in the first place since no one approaches you due your looks.

Oh boo hoo - no one approaches you. Welcome to the life of almost every man ever.

You are missing the point. I am happily married. My point was yes it takes personality and character to keep a man interested. But first one must meet the man and it gets harder when one is older and the pool shrinks and guys are attracted to younger women... Which is the whole point of this thread is to seize the opportunity during your youth if you want marriage and the baby carriage and the whole she bang with a partner.

Correct: Women age like milk while men age like fine wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am glad I don't have to be in this mess you all are in. I let women know up front parenting isn't for me.

The woman I will marry has to be with me for ME and not for my sperm.....because kids will not be happening.

Good luck to all of you...pity the guys who will be left with a sexless marriage after she is done procreating and no longer needs you for anything

Some pathological cycles in life will never end.......

Good luck finding an attractive, young woman who's never been married or had kids who absolutely does not want kids.

Who gives a shit? That's what vasectomies are for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post reflects some fucked up notions about a woman's value. As if physical beauty is the beginning and end of what she has to offer. As if it's a good idea for her to "lock in" a life time with a guy who wouldn't want to be with her if she met him in her 30s. As if it's illegal for her to propose.

Date someone who is kind to you. If you love them, marry them. If they don't want to get married & you do, move on to someone else who is kind to you. Repeat as necessary.

x 1000

A lot of women don't even want to get married anymore (Google the millennials take on it). You don't need a husband to have a baby anymore either.

Anyone who thinks it would be fine for a woman to have a baby on her own, and not try hard to be able to do it with a partner instead, cannot possibly be a parent. Do you have any idea of the sleepless nights, the trying to hang on for a few minutes more for your partner to get home so you can hand off the baby because you are at your wit's end? Do you know how many diapers need to be changed (around 8 per day), the teeth that will need to brushed twice a day, the meals prepared, drop offs, pickups, paperwork, doctor visits. Do you know that day care usually costs around $1,500 per month, and that two-parent families struggle with the schedule, and one may go into work at 5:00 a.m. and leave work at 3:00 p.m., so the other parent can drop off at 9:00, and work until 7:30 p.m., so the child isn't warehoused in day care 12 hours per day and develop behavioral problems? Do you know you will not be able to make one move without bringing the baby or child along or making advance arrangements for a sitter at probably $15 per hour? Even what would have been a quick stop at the grocery store will involve getting the child in and out of a car seat, wrestling him or her into the shopping cart (if cooperative), saying no to a dozen pleadings and possibly dealing with a melt-down while everyone stares and you and is probably thinking what a terrible parent you are, leaving the grocery cart in the aisle while you make an unexpected terrifying dash for the restroom with a child who stubbornly insisted that he or she did not have to go (or you are unexpectedly changing a poopy diaper at Safeway or your preferred grocery store). Nothing will be quick, easy, or simple again for YEARS. Don't do this on your own unless you have absolutely no other option. I think it may be better not to do it at all than to do it alone.

Plenty of single parents out there. Wouldn't be my first choice, but again, life is not perfect. Not for everybody anyway. Besides, some families are actually close, and mothers get the support they need. Saying that an unmarried woman cannot be a parent is wrong and ill-spirited.