Reply to Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So what do you do if you're 28 and your bf of 2 years promises to get married but hadn't done anything to prove its going to be a reality?[/quote]

It's a tough call. Do NOT live with him. In your gut do you feel you are "the one" for him? Or do you think he still imagines there could be someone better for him out there and he is still looking? (Or is he pining for an ex?) Do you truly love him, even his faults? Or would you be settling yourself in some way? Is some progress being made such as your meeting more family, planning vacations farther into the future, talking about more serious issues and envisioning a future life together? [/quote]

I'm not living with him and I do not intend to until after we are married.

He says I'm "the only one for him" and I'm the "love of his life". He's introduced me to his family and told his sister that he is thinking of proposing to me. I don't think he thinks there's someone "better" for him and he certainly isn't looking. I'm just confused since if I am the love of his life, what is he waiting for? Shouldn't he be super excited to start our life together?

It's really frustrating for me since I'm kind of in limbo here. I want to move forward with my life and deepen my relationship with him but I can't because we aren't even engaged! I can't even live with him yet or plan anything else.

We are talking of taking a vacation this year but he's super concerned about the finances.

We do talk about stuff like having children and throw around potential names. He's really sweet and voluntarily helped me out with bills and is talking of getting me a new car etc. 
[/quote]

1) Make sure this is really, really the guy for you. If he never changes and all his annoying habits stay the same, will you be okay with that? Are you "putting up" with something that when you have less patience (due to illness or lack of sleep), will drive a wedge in your marriage. I have so many girlfriends who put up with qualities in their boyfriends that 5-10 years later, when they no longer have patience for it, is just killing them and their relationship. The guy hasn't changed, but their willingness and ability to accept them exactly the way they are is no longer there.

2) Does he accept you for exactly who you are? Is there something about you he wants to change? Does he realize that 75% of what you fight about today, you will be fighting about in 20 years? (see John Gottman's research)

3) If after all of that, you still want to marry him, then...

a) Do you talk about marriage and wedding in concrete ways. Not "someday I want to"...  But "when we are married, I see *us* doing"...
b) Does he have a timeline or goal he wants to reach?
c) Is he actively working towards that goal? If he says he wants to buy you a nice ring and save up money, then goes out and blows it by eating out or buying video games or other toys, he is just kicking the can down the road because regular sex with you is easier than finding another woman to have sex with. 
d) If he is 'scared of commitment' or his parents had a bad marriage and he is afraid of repeating their mistakes, is he actively doing something to deal with it? Is he in therapy or reading book. Doing the things he needs to do in order to be ready to marry you. Because a guy who thinks you are 'the one' will do what he has to do so he can marry you. The last thing he wants is someone else swoop in and marry you. 
e) Tell him "I will not wait forever for you to propose." Then set up a concrete deadline in your head, but don't tell him the date. Just know if he doesn't propose by then, you will leave him and never get back together with him (even if he proposes). Pick the date based on how much time you are willing to put in and the tipping point of when you will feel like he took advantage of you and your time. (Meaning, if you knew 100% you were never going to marry him, when would you leave him?)[/quote]

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