How do I deal with this? SN son not invited to party but he thinks he is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I posted before saying we have the exact situation and how I handled it. DC is totally fine. The kid still talks on and on about the birthday party. DC at this point doesn't care. DC only likes to attend a few birthday parties a year anyway and would rather it be close friends. Even if we got an invite, DC would have wanted to decline. I personally hate attending birthday parties of children who aren't close friends with mine because my heart breaks if anyone even seems a little annoyed with my kid, so I don't care if my kid isn't invited. Just please try to instruct kids not to yap on and on about it if everyone isn't invited.

Forgot to add-this goes for mothers too. Please don't arrange group playdates in front of the mom of the SN child if you don't plan to include her. We are not invisible. This happened a bit in preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here. As a mother of a child with learning disabilities, I'm very touched by how considerate many of you are and am heartened by your outrage.

My dc is a teen now but we dealt with this situation so many times. The parents at my dc's elementary were the worst and even though his disabilities are mild and he has no behavior problems, the parents had no shame in treating him like he was less than their children and didn't hide the fact that he wasn't included. This included a teacher at the school whose son was in the same class and friends with my dc. Her dc invited all the boys in his class to his birthday party but excluded my dc even though they played together as best friends every school day. The next year her dc was in the same class as my other dc. I have twins. Other dc does not have disabilites. This dc was invited to everything even though he never liked this child. I still hate this woman.

You have to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to Larlas mother. It may be that only girls were invited and that's why he was left off. Or that she dowes the know they are friends.
Fwiw, you will be told by others that it is rude. However, if it were my child's birthday and they had invited friends at school that weren't on the evite, I'd like to know and I would extend the invitation since the birthday child obviously wants their friend invited.

This happened to us. I called the mother to let her know the birthday child invited us. She was mortified
and then lied to say it was a small party for just family. It was several years ago and still makes me so sad.

You can call to see but I would make fun backup plans, as well. The girl sounds sweet --
Maybe invite her for a play date to celebrate her birthday again?

I'm so sorry. It is painful for parent and child.

It happened to me too. I didn't call, I just mentioned when I saw the mom that DD heard about it but she would be fine.

Years later that mother is still uncomfortable with us. But guess what? The girls became good friends.

And that's why I invite everyone - just only girls or boys also would be okay. But I would never invite almost everyone and leave very few kids out!

[Anonymous]

Seriously, I wonder if anyone on this board would actually defend inviting, say, 20 or more from a class of 24 to an elementary school kid's birthday party. It seems incredibly mean spirited to me. We are in K at a school where, except in one case, all the kids in the class have been invited to every birthday party. The parent who did not invite everyone seems strange and unfriendly to me; my view of her has lessened since realizing she left a few kids from the class of the invite list on purpose.

[Anonymous]

I have traditionally been the first to cry outrage when kids are excluded from parties. However, this year as my kids rise in elementary school it's more and more difficult to deal with
kids who are out of bounds all the time. Both my kids (I have twins who are now in second grade) have kids in their classes who hit, kick, swear at the teacher, tell sports coaches "make me!" when asked to do things, etc.
And this is in upper NW DC. These are kids from "good families".
I assume that some of these behaviors arise out of special needs. In some cases the parents are very involved and in others they are not.
I am guilty of excluding these kids from my kids' parties. I excluded the second grader who taught my kid the word "bitch". I excluded another child who defies me every single time I've had the kid over to my house.
He has told me repeatedly "no, I don't have to listen to you".
If your child is being repeatedly excluded, perhaps its time to take a long, hard look at their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have traditionally been the first to cry outrage when kids are excluded from parties. However, this year as my kids rise in elementary school it's more and more difficult to deal with
kids who are out of bounds all the time. Both my kids (I have twins who are now in second grade) have kids in their classes who hit, kick, swear at the teacher, tell sports coaches "make me!" when asked to do things, etc.
And this is in upper NW DC. These are kids from "good families".
I assume that some of these behaviors arise out of special needs. In some cases the parents are very involved and in others they are not.
I am guilty of excluding these kids from my kids' parties. I excluded the second grader who taught my kid the word "bitch". I excluded another child who defies me every single time I've had the kid over to my house.
He has told me repeatedly "no, I don't have to listen to you".
If your child is being repeatedly excluded, perhaps its time to take a long, hard look at their behavior.

Wow, you are a piece of work. POlicing all those little kids. Will anyone be left to invite?

I wish you would go back to general parenting. Kids with SN are not necessarily excluded because of their behavior. My DS with HFA is perfectly gentle and well-behaved. Our kids are excluded because parents are uncomfortable with them and other kids think they're weird. And then there are the really judgmental parents like you. I think I know why that kid taught your DS the word "bitch."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have traditionally been the first to cry outrage when kids are excluded from parties. However, this year as my kids rise in elementary school it's more and more difficult to deal with
kids who are out of bounds all the time. Both my kids (I have twins who are now in second grade) have kids in their classes who hit, kick, swear at the teacher, tell sports coaches "make me!" when asked to do things, etc.
And this is in upper NW DC. These are kids from "good families".
I assume that some of these behaviors arise out of special needs. In some cases the parents are very involved and in others they are not.
I am guilty of excluding these kids from my kids' parties. I excluded the second grader who taught my kid the word "bitch". I excluded another child who defies me every single time I've had the kid over to my house.
He has told me repeatedly "no, I don't have to listen to you".
If your child is being repeatedly excluded, perhaps its time to take a long, hard look at their behavior.

This is largely irrelevant to the thread, since OP did not indicate behavioral issues or suggest "repeated" exclusions. For all she or we know, even this one exclusion might have been inadvertent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fascinating thread, really an awkward problem. Here's where I come down.

1) OP's child was invited. Maybe not by the parents, maybe not intentionally, but the child was invited, and thus has the reasonable expectation of being able to attend.

2) Yeah, I get "minors don't get to make decisions without parental approval," but that's the hosting family's problem to work out, not OP's child's. For the same reasons that parents get to overrule a child, parents are also responsible if the invitation goes out anyway, and in this case it did.

3) I'm with those who say contact the parent and communicate that your child was invited to the party and very much wants to go. That may be awkward for the parents, but tough -- parents have to deal with awkward things. It does not necessarily create problems for the children for the adults to work this out. They should know their child issued an invitation and they can make a decision whether to honor it or not. If they feel they can't for whatever reason, so be it. But they might surprise you and feel an obligation to honor the invitation.

4) Like others, I advise OP to be prepared with an alternative fun activity for DC if the invitation is not maintained. But preparing that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get the benefits of the invitation that was in fact extended.

Disagree. Parents ultimately determine the invites. Parental invites are the official ones, not the random, pressured, verbal invites made by minor children.

But that's your perspective, not some iron clad etiquette rule. My children have issued verbal invites to other children for playdates, sleepovers, etc. Verbal party invites used to be the normal way to invite people over for parties in the 80s when I was in elementary school.

+1 I have often heard from DD or DS that so-and-so wants them over for a playdate and so I call the parent to confirm and set it up, if it is ok with the parent. I would do the same for this birthday party, since it seems from what the child has communicated that the birthday girl definitely has some expectation that he is invited. And, importantly, this alerts her parent that Larla is inviting other kids and/or talking about her party with kids who won't be attending. Learning to not talk about parties with those not invited is a very important social lesson and the parent should know she needs help with it. If it was my kid doing this, I'd be really embarrassed and happy to include the child.

If you get a vibe that the child was definitely excluded purposely, then go with another special activity that makes it so you can't go to the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here. As a mother of a child with learning disabilities, I'm very touched by how considerate many of you are and am heartened by your outrage.

My dc is a teen now but we dealt with this situation so many times. The parents at my dc's elementary were the worst and even though his disabilities are mild and he has no behavior problems, the parents had no shame in treating him like he was less than their children and didn't hide the fact that he wasn't included. This included a teacher at the school whose son was in the same class and friends with my dc. Her dc invited all the boys in his class to his birthday party but excluded my dc even though they played together as best friends every school day. The next year her dc was in the same class as my other dc. I have twins. Other dc does not have disabilites. This dc was invited to everything even though he never liked this child. I still hate this woman.

I would have asked for a teacher change. I do not get if there were two or more classes in the grade why she was teaching her own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have traditionally been the first to cry outrage when kids are excluded from parties. However, this year as my kids rise in elementary school it's more and more difficult to deal with
kids who are out of bounds all the time. Both my kids (I have twins who are now in second grade) have kids in their classes who hit, kick, swear at the teacher, tell sports coaches "make me!" when asked to do things, etc.
And this is in upper NW DC. These are kids from "good families".
I assume that some of these behaviors arise out of special needs. In some cases the parents are very involved and in others they are not.
I am guilty of excluding these kids from my kids' parties. I excluded the second grader who taught my kid the word "bitch". I excluded another child who defies me every single time I've had the kid over to my house.
He has told me repeatedly "no, I don't have to listen to you".
If your child is being repeatedly excluded, perhaps its time to take a long, hard look at their behavior.

I'm not sure what motivates people to post all about poorly-behaved children they know in this thread, and explain why they exclude them. *OP's child does not have issues with birthday parties*. Is it just open season on SN kids now and any thread is a chance to pile on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fascinating thread, really an awkward problem. Here's where I come down.

1) OP's child was invited. Maybe not by the parents, maybe not intentionally, but the child was invited, and thus has the reasonable expectation of being able to attend.

2) Yeah, I get "minors don't get to make decisions without parental approval," but that's the hosting family's problem to work out, not OP's child's. For the same reasons that parents get to overrule a child, parents are also responsible if the invitation goes out anyway, and in this case it did.

3) I'm with those who say contact the parent and communicate that your child was invited to the party and very much wants to go. That may be awkward for the parents, but tough -- parents have to deal with awkward things. It does not necessarily create problems for the children for the adults to work this out. They should know their child issued an invitation and they can make a decision whether to honor it or not. If they feel they can't for whatever reason, so be it. But they might surprise you and feel an obligation to honor the invitation.

4) Like others, I advise OP to be prepared with an alternative fun activity for DC if the invitation is not maintained. But preparing that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to get the benefits of the invitation that was in fact extended.

Disagree. Parents ultimately determine the invites. Parental invites are the official ones, not the random, pressured, verbal invites made by minor children.

But that's your perspective, not some iron clad etiquette rule. My children have issued verbal invites to other children for playdates, sleepovers, etc. Verbal party invites used to be the normal way to invite people over for parties in the 80s when I was in elementary school.

+1 I have often heard from DD or DS that so-and-so wants them over for a playdate and so I call the parent to confirm and set it up, if it is ok with the parent. I would do the same for this birthday party, since it seems from what the child has communicated that the birthday girl definitely has some expectation that he is invited. And, importantly, this alerts her parent that Larla is inviting other kids and/or talking about her party with kids who won't be attending. Learning to not talk about parties with those not invited is a very important social lesson and the parent should know she needs help with it. If it was my kid doing this, I'd be really embarrassed and happy to include the child.

If you get a vibe that the child was definitely excluded purposely, then go with another special activity that makes it so you can't go to the party.

FWIW I did a gut check with the spouse on this conundrum (it's an interesting one, and a closer call than a typical DCUM thread). Spouse agrees -- contact the host parent and advise them of the oral invitation and the expectation created by it. Host can't decide what to do if they don't have the information; if the exclusion was inadvertent, this step is necessary to fix it. If it was intentional, host family can decide what to do. But since the awkward situation was created by their family (either the child was issuing an unplanned invitation, or the parents were forgetting to issue a planned invitation), it's their household's responsibility to address it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this should be a separate thread, but....

As a NT parent if you are inviting a child who as behavioral SN (my daughter is very friendly with a child in her class who has SN) is it out of line to ask the parent to stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have traditionally been the first to cry outrage when kids are excluded from parties. However, this year as my kids rise in elementary school it's more and more difficult to deal with
kids who are out of bounds all the time. Both my kids (I have twins who are now in second grade) have kids in their classes who hit, kick, swear at the teacher, tell sports coaches "make me!" when asked to do things, etc.
And this is in upper NW DC. These are kids from "good families".
I assume that some of these behaviors arise out of special needs. In some cases the parents are very involved and in others they are not.
I am guilty of excluding these kids from my kids' parties. I excluded the second grader who taught my kid the word "bitch". I excluded another child who defies me every single time I've had the kid over to my house.
He has told me repeatedly "no, I don't have to listen to you".
If your child is being repeatedly excluded, perhaps its time to take a long, hard look at their behavior.

I'm not sure what motivates people to post all about poorly-behaved children they know in this thread, and explain why they exclude them. *OP's child does not have issues with birthday parties*. Is it just open season on SN kids now and any thread is a chance to pile on?

Not the PP you quoted, but where does OP say this?

[Anonymous]

Not at all. I think most SN parents would understand and do what they can to make everyone at the party, especially the host, comfortable. If they don't want to stay they can of course decline the invite. This applies to parents whose children have behaviors and those who don't because I can imagine that someone might have a health, communications or other concern and even if it is not really an issue. Personally I offer to stay every time but quite a few times the parents have said there's no need.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this should be a separate thread, but....

As a NT parent if you are inviting a child who as behavioral SN (my daughter is very friendly with a child in her class who has SN) is it out of line to ask the parent to stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have traditionally been the first to cry outrage when kids are excluded from parties. However, this year as my kids rise in elementary school it's more and more difficult to deal with
kids who are out of bounds all the time. Both my kids (I have twins who are now in second grade) have kids in their classes who hit, kick, swear at the teacher, tell sports coaches "make me!" when asked to do things, etc.
And this is in upper NW DC. These are kids from "good families".
I assume that some of these behaviors arise out of special needs. In some cases the parents are very involved and in others they are not.
I am guilty of excluding these kids from my kids' parties. I excluded the second grader who taught my kid the word "bitch". I excluded another child who defies me every single time I've had the kid over to my house.
He has told me repeatedly "no, I don't have to listen to you".
If your child is being repeatedly excluded, perhaps its time to take a long, hard look at their behavior.

I'm not sure what motivates people to post all about poorly-behaved children they know in this thread, and explain why they exclude them. *OP's child does not have issues with birthday parties*. Is it just open season on SN kids now and any thread is a chance to pile on?

Not the PP you quoted, but where does OP say this?

Did you read the thread? OP posted that her DS is always well-behaved at birthday parties.