Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read through the pages and pages, but I feel your pain. My DH just quit his job one day to go back to school without consulting me. He never got a job after graduating and is now a SAHD. I married and had kids with someone that was a working adult who had his crap together and had goals and even considered whether I should be SAH, which I expressed a clear desire to do and am more capable of doing (not because I'm a woman, just because I'm better at the tasks involved). I wouldn't have done that with someone who barely keeps up with the household on a good day. I was mad for years about it but finally have just made my peace. Harboring the resentment does no one any good - I chose a good guy/poor partner but I'm in it for a long haul so I focus on the good guy part. To be frank, I doubt your wife will ever understand the pressure she put on you or how much it hurt not to be consulted about a choice that you are negatively impacted by every day.

This sounds like me, except for the made my peace part. How did you get there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am honestly shocked by the number of people who think it is okay to unilaterally decide their husbands are breadwinners. Her behavior is selfish, OP. I am sorry.

+1

I wonder if those same people would be good with their husbands quitting their jobs one day and announcing they'll stay at home doing crafts with the kids, not cooking or cleaning, and being supported by their wives. All without consultation or discussion.

+1,000,000 - Such a double standard, and the next post about carrying a child is just obnoxious and anti-feminism to the point I feel a little sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read through the pages and pages, but I feel your pain. My DH just quit his job one day to go back to school without consulting me. He never got a job after graduating and is now a SAHD. I married and had kids with someone that was a working adult who had his crap together and had goals and even considered whether I should be SAH, which I expressed a clear desire to do and am more capable of doing (not because I'm a woman, just because I'm better at the tasks involved). I wouldn't have done that with someone who barely keeps up with the household on a good day. I was mad for years about it but finally have just made my peace. Harboring the resentment does no one any good - I chose a good guy/poor partner but I'm in it for a long haul so I focus on the good guy part. To be frank, I doubt your wife will ever understand the pressure she put on you or how much it hurt not to be consulted about a choice that you are negatively impacted by every day.

This sounds like me, except for the made my peace part. How did you get there?

I lowered my expectations an infinite amount and decided that, at the end of the day, I won't break up my family as long as this remains sustainable financially. We've been married 15 years, and both of us have changed. Part of marriage is trying to appreciate the new person on the journey. Sadly, adopting this view also means I generally don't count on him for anything that is important because I'll be disappointed or believe things he says about seeking employment. I also no longer expect him to understand how I feel about the issue, so I don't bring it up. If he is depressed or feels like less of a man (one of his reasons for being out of work so long), that is on him after this many years. If we can muddle through and he continues to be a good parent, I'll suck it up and keep trying to focus on the pleasantries of the day to day instead of dwelling on things (and a person) I cannot change. Some days are easier than others.

[Anonymous]

Perspective. Live a day in your spouse's shoes. Either side.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

OP has made it clear he'd be happy to do all that and understands what is involved. My God, the entitlement on this thread depressing. Makes me worry for my sons!

[Anonymous]

Get over it you whiny little bitch.

[Anonymous]

Realize that on DCUM ties go to the woman, every time. I've even seen men criticized for leaving their wives after the (now ex-)wife attacked the guy with a knife.

If she were actually making meals and attempting to keep the house clean I'd advise him to try and adjust to the new reality. He's got a new job that pays well, and it's better to accept the wife as she is -- and if she is happy and does well as a SAHM, then better for OP to accept his wife as a SAHM. Eventually there'll be a choice he can make unilaterally, marriage is give and take.

But if she is unilaterally deciding to be a SAHM and won't even do the bare minimum of what a SAHM does (making dinner and keeping the house clean) or refuses to do anything that isn't kid-related, OP has a right to be annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

This is one of mine and my H greatest pleasures... cuddles and movies all day. Since when is being there for your child a "burden taken off of their shoulders". Who are these men that don't get pleasure in doctor appointments/drop offs/pickups... playing in the rain or shine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get over it you whiny little bitch.

Shouldn't you be making a craft from Pinteerst?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

OP has made it clear he'd be happy to do all that and understands what is involved. My God, the entitlement on this thread depressing. Makes me worry for my sons!

It's easy to say you'd gladly do the mundane tasks of being a SAH, but another thing entirely to be in the grind of doing it every day.

[Anonymous]

OP-as someone with a range of kids, who's done just about every wohm/sahm combo there is at some point-let me say, I agree that your wife should not have made this choice unilaterally. My dh and I always made my work choices together since it impacts both of us and all our kids.

That being said-right now you have two little kids. From experience, if you can swing it for her to be home, NOW is the time for that. Things will be different in like 3 years. But now is really a nice time to be able to have her home. As far as your job-if you want to spend more time at home, then I think you should do whatever you need to do financially to afford that. Used cars, smaller home, no private school, whatever...I was sahm for a time and we delayed getting a larger home and newer cars for years. But then the kids got older, I went back to work and we got the bigger house, newer car and kids got braces and one's in college and all that. Don't feel like you have to work long days to do all taht NOW, you have time and if you want a shorter job for a couple of years while they are little, you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Do people not understand what being a SAHP is?? Where did all these women come from that had no idea what a literal 24/7 job (with NO sick days and rare breaks) it is to stay home and take care of their kids? How did it come as a surprise...did you all really think it was going to be arts and crafts and nap time?

And then you complain about equal treatment, when knows that if it was a man who shirked 50% of what he was supposed to do, no one would be saying how his wife needs to suck it up and listen to his feelings about it and understand his side. They'd be calling him a worthless POS who she needs to divorce ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

OP has made it clear he'd be happy to do all that and understands what is involved. My God, the entitlement on this thread depressing. Makes me worry for my sons!

It's easy to say you'd gladly do the mundane tasks of being a SAH, but another thing entirely to be in the grind of doing it every day.

SO GET A JOB! Staying at home is a choice and a luxury. The SAHMs in this thread give their crowd a bad name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

OP has made it clear he'd be happy to do all that and understands what is involved. My God, the entitlement on this thread depressing. Makes me worry for my sons!

It's easy to say you'd gladly do the mundane tasks of being a SAH, but another thing entirely to be in the grind of doing it every day.

SO GET A JOB! Staying at home is a choice and a luxury. The SAHMs in this thread give their crowd a bad name.

Could not agree more. I hate being lumped in with these entitled and whiny women, who can't be bothered to cook or clean, without breaking down in tears or needing to talk about their feelings.