Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question OP...Prior to having children together...Or even getting married...Did you + your wife even discuss your future plans together and what your roles would be once you had children?

I.e., Would one parent stay home full-time, would the children go to daycare, etc.?

Did your wife agree that they would be in daycare and that she would have a career, then once they were here, she simply quit her job and just stayed home instead, yet at the same time is now complaining about her decision?? If that is the case, then I can totally see why you are resentful. I would be too.

However, if you and her never discussed what your plans would be once you had children together and you just ASSUMED that she would continue working, then it really isn't her fault how things turned out.

Personally, I think it's best for the children to stay home w/their mother during these early years vs. being cared for by strangers in a daycare. If they had a nanny, I would be more okay w/it, but not daycare.

Why is he at fault for assuming things will continue as they did? Staying at home is a major change from working. Shouldn't a change like this be thoroughly discussed and vetted before happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but PP, if she quits, she hurts other people. Who does she hurt by not being allowed to quit?

Herself-- apparently she thought her own well-being matters? Perhaps the job was reducing her quality of life in some way, or the kids'. Kind of like how the OP thinks his strain of being the breadwinner is hurting him, and staying home is not what's best for the kids.

There are other jobs out there if this one makes her miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why is he at fault for assuming things will continue as they did? Staying at home is a major change from working. Shouldn't a change like this be thoroughly discussed and vetted before happening?

Because nobody is entitled to the life they expect. Sure, it should have been discussed, but the OP is naive to think their arrangement was final and binding no matter how miserable his wife was. Two twentysomethings with no idea what parenting is actually like cannot be expected to make that kind of commitment. The OP should know that people's views and feelings change as they age and grow in life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File this under....

THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

I don't think this necessarily works. I never thought I'd be a SAHM before I had kids. I was an attorney and had a good career going. But it turned out I was really miserable and unhappy working full time once I became a mom. Fortunately my DH is all for it. I think people change as they age and thngs happen in their lives - the importantly thing is to communicate and resolve it JOINTLY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. Not to get into the weeds on the math, but we are still paying for school for the older. DW's salary covered infant care for both kids, her retirement, our healthcare, and there was a couple of hundred bucks at the end of month. So, it was a wash in her mind but not mine. We use my health insurance (crappier).

Unless she was maxing the 401(k) I would also see this as a wash. The difference in the cost of healthcare and the couple hundred bucks would easily be eaten up by all of the extra costs of her having a job: commuting, career wardrobe, cleaning service for your home, tax benefits of single earner, and the many other costs that have been discussed previously on DCUM, in addition to the chaotic schedule that comes with juggling all the things she would normally take care of as the sahp. BTW, my husband "forced" me to continue working after our son was born and I still resent it years later. Baby times are short and I will never have that time with him again. Looking back I wonder if I would have been better off making the unilateral decision to quit and dealing with the consequences. Can you find a job somewhere in the middle - pays a little less but more time at home?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you were not prepared to have this role thrust upon you, and also like you and your spouse did not discuss this important life decision before your SO made it.

Some women and men are prepared, adjusted, and happy to be the sole breadwinner, but you were not - no shame in that. Tell your significant other that you feel incapable of handling the burden of providing for the family by yourself, and that you expect him or her to help you share in both the professional and personal duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why is he at fault for assuming things will continue as they did? Staying at home is a major change from working. Shouldn't a change like this be thoroughly discussed and vetted before happening?

Because nobody is entitled to the life they expect. Sure, it should have been discussed, but the OP is naive to think their arrangement was final and binding no matter how miserable his wife was. Two twentysomethings with no idea what parenting is actually like cannot be expected to make that kind of commitment. The OP should know that people's views and feelings change as they age and grow in life experience.

Feelings and views can change to their hearts' delight. But they aren't entitled to make unilateral decisions that affect the rest of the family without consulting the family based on these feelings and views. Feelings and acting on them are two separate things

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm rooting for you. Please update how it goes.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Why is he at fault for assuming things will continue as they did? Staying at home is a major change from working. Shouldn't a change like this be thoroughly discussed and vetted before happening?[/quote]

Because nobody is entitled to the life they expect. Sure, it should have been discussed, but the OP is naive to think their arrangement was final and binding no matter how miserable his wife was. Two twentysomethings with no idea what parenting is actually like cannot be expected to make that kind of commitment. The OP should know that people's views and feelings change as they age and grow in life experience. [/quote]


Because nobody is entitled to the life they expect. Sure, it would be great to just quit when the going get tough. But the OP's wife is naive to think their arrangement was that OP would just take the brunt of the stress and she could tap out when she got stressed. Two twentysomethings with no idea what parenting is actually like but they need to grow up once children come along and realize it is not always easy. The OP wife should know that this is a partnership and being stressed does not give her the right to just dump all the responsibilities on her H. It seems like she needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand that you feel a commitment was made to work. But do you want to be held to everything you agreed to in your 20s, even if things don't work out the way you expected? That may come back to bite you. And do you want to hold your wife to her commitment to work, or do you want a happy marriage? It doesn't seem like you can have both, at least not for now.

[Anonymous]

I am honestly shocked by the number of people who think it is okay to unilaterally decide their husbands are breadwinners. Her behavior is selfish, OP. I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:File this under....

THINGS PEOPLE NEED TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.

I don't think this necessarily works. I never thought I'd be a SAHM before I had kids. I was an attorney and had a good career going. But it turned out I was really miserable and unhappy working full time once I became a mom. Fortunately my DH is all for it. I think people change as they age and thngs happen in their lives - the importantly thing is to communicate and resolve it JOINTLY.

Agreed. We talked about it. I planned to work and was ready to go back hen my husband seeing how I did not want to go back, encourage me to stay home. It was an adjustment for both of us, but looking back it was the best choice for me, our kids and our family. But, my husband does not care I'd dinner is made, and will happily relieve me when he comes home. OP, you make me very grateful for my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am honestly shocked by the number of people who think it is okay to unilaterally decide their husbands are breadwinners. Her behavior is selfish, OP. I am sorry.

+1

I wonder if those same people would be good with their husbands quitting their jobs one day and announcing they'll stay at home doing crafts with the kids, not cooking or cleaning, and being supported by their wives. All without consultation or discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am honestly shocked by the number of people who think it is okay to unilaterally decide their husbands are breadwinners. Her behavior is selfish, OP. I am sorry.

I'm shocked by the number of men who unilaterly decide their wife should be the ones to carry and give birth to their child.

[Anonymous]

OP, has little interest in improving his marriage if he's spending time on the internet bashing his wife.