Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

OP. Putting aside the massive amount of noise, you need to come to terms with the decision. You need to forgive and give up the resentment and move forward. Or you will end up like that woman in the ultimatum thread you mentioned. Once people really pushed, she eventually admitted that it was her husband's failure to hold down a job, be responsible as a partner, and care led her to the decision to leave him. You're heading that way unless you can embrace the change and let go of the resentment even though you are completely justified in feeling the way you feel.

You will end up divorced, supporting an ex (although that woman claimed she would fight this tooth and nail she will lose), and eventually end up alone because you are holding on to this resentment. I don't think this is what you want and you need to give this one up and really embrace how lucky you were to hustle into a better paying job, your health, and whatever space for gratitude you can find.

Anything can be a distraction. Even your kids. but. Your kids will get older. They will move on from the crafts and games. I have a strong suspicion that once they do, your DW will deal with the underlying issue that resulted in her decision to leave the workforce.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am so freaking sick of the whole salary pays just for daycare argument. It is so unbelievably shortsighted. Just another excuse for women who don't want to be in the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but PP, if she quits, she hurts other people. Who does she hurt by not being allowed to quit?

Herself-- apparently she thought her own well-being matters? Perhaps the job was reducing her quality of life in some way, or the kids'. Kind of like how the OP thinks his strain of being the breadwinner is hurting him, and staying home is not what's best for the kids.

Actually, no, as a parent, the well being of the entire family is the most important thing, even if it's to her detriment. Why do you think I continued working full time when I was half dead and hallucinating from exhaustion when I had two kids under 3?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Says the poster who loves unilateral statements. OP hasn't addressed what occurred when dw left her job; quite possible he didn't object because he believed it would be temporary.

I disagree with you btw. No one should continue to work in a job that makes them miserable, unless it is necessary to pay rent and buy food. Not the case here. If my dh told me he couldn't stand his job and needed to take some time to figure his life out or to be with our kids, I wouldn't force him to work, particularly if it was a financially wash in the short term. Spouses support one another.

First, this is an anonymous board so let's stop with the nonsense of "says the poster". You don't know who's posting what so don't pretend like you do.

Secondly, there is no evidence that a conversation like this occurred. OP was put in front of the fact. And you don't actually disagree with me, because you begin with "if my DH told me", which already implies a mutual decision.

Thirdly, no one should continue to work in a job that makes them miserable (although many do) but it's not the only job available on the planet. Who put a gun to her head to only look at misery-inducing job? Why couldn't she have looked for what makes her feel happy?

Why couldn't she keep working in her "miserable" job until she found a new one, or got OP to agree to let her quit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why is he at fault for assuming things will continue as they did? Staying at home is a major change from working. Shouldn't a change like this be thoroughly discussed and vetted before happening?

Because nobody is entitled to the life they expect. Sure, it should have been discussed, but the OP is naive to think their arrangement was final and binding no matter how miserable his wife was. Two twentysomethings with no idea what parenting is actually like cannot be expected to make that kind of commitment. The OP should know that people's views and feelings change as they age and grow in life experience.

That's interesting. Before we had kids but after we were married, my husband and I were house hunting. One of the first questions we discussed was whether we were going to both keep working after we had kids, as we had discussed many times while dating. We bought a house on the basis of both of us working full time. I don't see why parents to be can't make that kind of commitment to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why is he at fault for assuming things will continue as they did? Staying at home is a major change from working. Shouldn't a change like this be thoroughly discussed and vetted before happening?

Because nobody is entitled to the life they expect. Sure, it should have been discussed, but the OP is naive to think their arrangement was final and binding no matter how miserable his wife was. Two twentysomethings with no idea what parenting is actually like cannot be expected to make that kind of commitment. The OP should know that people's views and feelings change as they age and grow in life experience.

Feelings and views can change to their hearts' delight. But they aren't entitled to make unilateral decisions that affect the rest of the family without consulting the family based on these feelings and views. Feelings and acting on them are two separate things

Applause

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why is he at fault for assuming things will continue as they did? Staying at home is a major change from working. Shouldn't a change like this be thoroughly discussed and vetted before happening?

Because nobody is entitled to the life they expect. Sure, it should have been discussed, but the OP is naive to think their arrangement was final and binding no matter how miserable his wife was. Two twentysomethings with no idea what parenting is actually like cannot be expected to make that kind of commitment. The OP should know that people's views and feelings change as they age and grow in life experience.

Feelings and views can change to their hearts' delight. But they aren't entitled to make unilateral decisions that affect the rest of the family without consulting the family based on these feelings and views. Feelings and acting on them are two separate things

Applause

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am honestly shocked by the number of people who think it is okay to unilaterally decide their husbands are breadwinners. Her behavior is selfish, OP. I am sorry.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why is he at fault for assuming things will continue as they did? Staying at home is a major change from working. Shouldn't a change like this be thoroughly discussed and vetted before happening?

Because nobody is entitled to the life they expect. Sure, it should have been discussed, but the OP is naive to think their arrangement was final and binding no matter how miserable his wife was. Two twentysomethings with no idea what parenting is actually like cannot be expected to make that kind of commitment. The OP should know that people's views and feelings change as they age and grow in life experience.

That's interesting. Before we had kids but after we were married, my husband and I were house hunting. One of the first questions we discussed was whether we were going to both keep working after we had kids, as we had discussed many times while dating. We bought a house on the basis of both of us working full time. I don't see why parents to be can't make that kind of commitment to each other.

+1
I thought it's a normal practice to discuss such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but PP, if she quits, she hurts other people. Who does she hurt by not being allowed to quit?

Herself-- apparently she thought her own well-being matters? Perhaps the job was reducing her quality of life in some way, or the kids'. Kind of like how the OP thinks his strain of being the breadwinner is hurting him, and staying home is not what's best for the kids.

Actually, no, as a parent, the well being of the entire family is the most important thing, even if it's to her detriment. Why do you think I continued working full time when I was half dead and hallucinating from exhaustion when I had two kids under 3?

I'm hoping it was financially necessary for your family, because otherwise, what you describe is in nobody's best interest, including yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about your attractions anymore, it is about kids. And there are different parenting philosophies but most people agree that it is best for kids to be with mom in their early years IF mom is happy to stay at home. I think your wife is, however tired she may seem.
So, she does crafts with kids instead of cooking YOU dinner? The horror! Again, it's not about you.
Be an adult, just cook the darn dinner or bring takeout, and yes, do that deep cleaning on a weekend! Just trust me, being with kids all day is an important and hard JOB. Lots of people choose to go to work, nothing wrong with that, but please please give your wife an opportunity to do her job if this is what she chooses. You don't have to understand, just appreciate.
You don't realize how much she takes off your shoulders. Do you want to stay home with sick kids? do you want to do pickups, dropoffs, rain or shine? do you want to take them to doctors appointments? doesn't seem like it from your post. So please, just leave her alone.

Spoken by someone who clearly has never worked full time while raising kids. You are so pro SAHP it's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Says the poster who loves unilateral statements. OP hasn't addressed what occurred when dw left her job; quite possible he didn't object because he believed it would be temporary.

I disagree with you btw. No one should continue to work in a job that makes them miserable, unless it is necessary to pay rent and buy food. Not the case here. If my dh told me he couldn't stand his job and needed to take some time to figure his life out or to be with our kids, I wouldn't force him to work, particularly if it was a financially wash in the short term. Spouses support one another.

First, this is an anonymous board so let's stop with the nonsense of "says the poster". You don't know who's posting what so don't pretend like you do.

Secondly, there is no evidence that a conversation like this occurred. OP was put in front of the fact. And you don't actually disagree with me, because you begin with "if my DH told me", which already implies a mutual decision.

Thirdly, no one should continue to work in a job that makes them miserable (although many do) but it's not the only job available on the planet. Who put a gun to her head to only look at misery-inducing job? Why couldn't she have looked for what makes her feel happy?

Why couldn't she keep working in her "miserable" job until she found a new one, or got OP to agree to let her quit?

OP hasn't actually addressed this. Not clear that they didn't discuss this and he didn't agree to it on a temporary basis, and then she got pregnant, and then she didn't want to return to work with two very young kids. Not every decision in life proceeds in a linear fashion.

[Anonymous]

OP did. Wife stopped working, stopped looking for another job after he quit and had a hard time finding work (likely because she was pregnant at the time). He said that he didn't push the issue until the baby turned 1 and that is when he began being resentful and went to therapy.

Jesus people. Read, then judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so freaking sick of the whole salary pays just for daycare argument. It is so unbelievably shortsighted. Just another excuse for women who don't want to be in the workforce.

I'm incredibly sick of the WOHM posters who can only see life through their own little lens, and can't wait to attack any woman who makes other choices. There are plenty of women who stay home for a few years and then return back to work. Your way isn't the only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:but PP, if she quits, she hurts other people. Who does she hurt by not being allowed to quit?

Herself-- apparently she thought her own well-being matters? Perhaps the job was reducing her quality of life in some way, or the kids'. Kind of like how the OP thinks his strain of being the breadwinner is hurting him, and staying home is not what's best for the kids.

Actually, no, as a parent, the well being of the entire family is the most important thing, even if it's to her detriment. Why do you think I continued working full time when I was half dead and hallucinating from exhaustion when I had two kids under 3?

I'm hoping it was financially necessary for your family, because otherwise, what you describe is in nobody's best interest, including yours.

No, it wasn't financially necessary. But it was in everyone's best interest in the family, including my own, that I did not take a break in employment. How many people work 35 hours a week for over $200K? I sucked it up for a few brief months and it got much better. Sooo glad I didn't quit.