Is this appropriate?
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Anonymous
| OP, he's probably creating a secret email account and buying a disposable cell phone. I'm trying to be nice to you, but you're incredibly naive and gullible. |
Anonymous
| LAWYER. GO SEE A LAWYER. Even if you believe things will work out perfectly, GO SEE A LAWYER and prepare for the worst. Protect yourself. What would it hurt to be prepared just in case? |
Anonymous
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OP here - thank you for all the advice...I know, I know...the changing cell phone, the locked car, etc etc. It does sound bad, but he has repeated over and over that it was not physical.
I do think he has or had a big crush on her. I do think she also pursued him. and now that I see the comment about him just asking me to move out a few days ago, I realize that is terrible. He wasn't thinking straight at all. I think he did want a divorce or separation and he sort of fell under her spell. He also had an anxiety disorder that occassionally rears its ugly head. He was going through a lot of stress at work. None of this makes it right at all, but I think it built up into a situation where he was communicating with her constantly. i think in his mind, he was unhappy with me, and so he allowed himself to reach out to her (his crush)...I think he has come to his senses a little bit anyways right now. I agree that it may be hard to me to forget about her but prob. even harder for him to forget about her. But I have three kids and a house I really like and we can't afford to get divorced. Also, he seems genuinely sorry (despite the fact that he won't let me see emails/texts.) The phone company doesn't keep texts or records of what numbers texts were sent to..I already called. |
Anonymous
| OP here - I have done a financial inventory of sorts just in case... |
Anonymous
| OP here - by the way, I did check the phone bills for the entire previous 12 months and he only started calling her right after Christmas - right after the work party. So even though he also saw her for the coffee date in the early fall, it only got to be an intense/calling relationship after Dec. 25th..but a very intense 2 months and one week of calls. |
Anonymous
| Ok then enjoy being cheated on. |
Anonymous
| In that case, OP, I would suggest that you leave it alone. Pretend you don't see anything and hope he doesn't truly ask for a divorce. If you like your life and house and it's too expensive to get divorced then stop making yourself miserable. Let him get some on the side if that will make everything status quo. Just never question him about it. Set some cheating ground rules. |
Anonymous
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OP- this is so hard to go through as an honest person that thought they were in an honest relationship-- I get it. It really sucks and it takes a long time usually for the new reality to sink in and let you let go of what you thought your marriage was.
All the posters here are right. Please keep reading this thread and follow the advice while you can. Take care of yourself! |
Anonymous
+1. OP, my heart goes out to you. I hope you find the strength to get through what ever it is you will face ahead. |
Anonymous
You've got it backward. He was having an affair, so he started thinking he was unhappy with you in order to justify his affair. You have to be the bad guy, or the cognitive dissonance would make his head explode. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to read those emails. That is if he hasn't already deleted them all because you keep telling him your every move.
I was you once. DH confessed it was inappropriate to talk to the woman so much but insisted they were just friends. He seemed very sincere and I believed him. Then I got a keylogger. The first email said, "I love waking up next to you." The next one was a picture of them kissing. |
Anonymous
| Op I have been the cheater. Sadly everyone is right. It always comes out in dribbles. You are satisfied with the morsel you got so you're not going to get anymore. He's slept with her; absolutely. Do you think this is sixth grade and they are just talking on the phone? Grow up. You are in denial idiot land. He's in the fog and he's halfway out the door after two months of f$&&ing her. That's quick, op. He's already convinced himself you're too difficult and now you've gone and made it a little hard for him, but also absolved him. He's already calling her again that's why his phone has a lock. You're now on notice, op. You're making this ridiculously easy for him. If you want him to care and fight at all, you need to be strong, firm, cold and unavailable until you are shown everything and all new rules are set. It's the only way you're moving forward. What you've done right now is move things sideways. Not back. |
Anonymous
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This is what OP said: "But I have three kids and a house I really like and we can't afford to get divorced."
My translation: I'm in complete denial about the fact that my husband is spending time,confiding and fuc*ing another woman. I like my house. I don't want to worry about working or finances so I'll bury my head in the sand and pretend my marriage is ok. My prediction: OP is eventually going to pull her head out of her ass and realize she might not have that house she really likes but she'll have both dignity and pride if she leaves his lying ass. Get a good STD check too.  Cheers, sweetheart.
Someone has to be blunt with you, OP. Suffice to say, he's just not that into you. |
Anonymous
Yes yes yes. OP I think you're developing an unspoken "understanding" with your asshole DH. You're giving him an eternal kitchen pass, so when all this blows up in your face in some way (he leaves you for her, she gets pregnant, you get herpes or HIV) then you have no one to blame but yourself. At least hold yourself accountable, don't blame him. |
Anonymous
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OP here ...This whole thing is so out of character for dH who has always been a "good guy." He is nice; he is nerdy and shy. He has a good gov't job. He was not a big socializer...Just a normal regular guy. Maybe it is a mid life crisis. Plus I think he had a crush on this woman way back when they did work together. We had just gotten married back then and she was just getting divorced. So the whole crush thing is very worrisome. he said to me - oh, we have so much in common (as friends) - we grew up on the same area; we both had horses, etc etc. And I'm like - what am I chopped liver??? He did seem very fascinated by her.
I'll keep you posted in more dribbles come out...I am a little bit hopeful and a little bit wary. |