Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful. We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses. That was about 6 months ago. They are still together. And I am still with my DH. We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.

Sorry to keep hounding you but since I'm a DW who chose not to confront the OW your perspective is appreciated! What do you mean broke it off immediately - did one of your spouses find out ("D Day" in infidelity speak)? Do both spouses know, or just his? I have read that an EA for a woman is much more dangerous - once the wife decides she is out of the marriage and has an emotional connection with someone, she is really done with her husband, whereas men are more apt to get out of the "fog." Do you still love your DH?

Yes, our spouses found out. It was dramatic, and we never really talked since (except the check-ins).

I always loved my DH...I've been with him for so many years, but we never talked or hung out together. We were sort of living on different planets. We're working on it now. But, yes, its harder to want to change now than before. I wanted us to be closer for so many years, and now that he's going to counseling with me etc., its harder to be excited for it, but I still want it.

How did your spouses find out? Your DH must have been deeply hurt. Do you think there is a strong chance that your marriage will succeed?

They saw some emails. DH was upset, but not devasted like the other DW. I don't think men really think its cheating when its not physical. It woke him up though. I had been asking to go to counseling/work on our marriage for years. He finally started listening.

I'm one of the wives who has been asking you questions (more than one of us here obviously). Thanks for your responses. Your situation sounds similar to ours, in that my DH had an EA with a long-time friend, they were both going through a really rough time, etc. Like you, this woke us both up and got us into counseling and I am finally understanding why infidelity in some cases can be the best thing to happen to you. Our marriage is stronger and getting stronger every day. We are just over a year out after I discovered what was happening (nothing dramatic as emails in our case, I just finally had enough and confronted him).

[Anonymous]

Just another thought...if its a real EA (where emotions are involved and not just some random sex fling etc.). You can either take comfort in (or maybe have some sympathy for) the fact that the OW is probably hurting nearly the same as you. Of course, your hurt is justified, hers is more deserved...but the feelings are still there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another thought...if its a real EA (where emotions are involved and not just some random sex fling etc.). You can either take comfort in (or maybe have some sympathy for) the fact that the OW is probably hurting nearly the same as you. Of course, your hurt is justified, hers is more deserved...but the feelings are still there.

Probably true. The reality is that even in the most shallow relationship, people want to talk and be listened to. If your DH was able to do that, it is hard to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just another thought...if its a real EA (where emotions are involved and not just some random sex fling etc.). You can either take comfort in (or maybe have some sympathy for) the fact that the OW is probably hurting nearly the same as you. Of course, your hurt is justified, hers is more deserved...but the feelings are still there.

True. I actually was able to get to the point where I felt some sympathy for her. I figured she must be even more lost than me. We were all in bad marriages (me, DH, her, her DH) but they are the ones who chose to deal with it via this escape mechanism which just ended up giving them instant gratification but hurting them more in the long run.

I don't know how she felt after, but my DH was consumed with shame. Not just guilt, but actual self-loathing and shame. Turns out that is what led him (in part anyways) to the EA in the first place. Sort of a circle chicken-or-the-egg deal going on there.

I know that the OW in our case was pretty lost too. She definitely had self-esteem issues (did some things that she is probably not proud of in hindsight) and was going through a really, rough time in her life. I don't envy her. Hated her at first, was able to get past the anger, and eventually find some sympathy for her. Marriage, parenthood, being an adult, being human is hard and we all go through our share of shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently discovered DH was having an affair. The signs were all there and I chose to ignore them. Of course the OW was a mutual friend also.

Did I contact her! Hell yes. She denied everything but then I sent an email, referencing some FB messages, just to let her know I did indeed have proof. All I said was that i knew what was going on, I had proof, and it was going to end right then and there. Unless she wanted me to tell her husband, whom I work with. I also made sure that I called her while DH was on a plane returning from a business trip so he was not immediately available. Then I blocked our cells from receiving calls or texts from her number.

Yes, DH and I have our share of problems but walking out on a marriage is not something I plan to do without a fight. The affair was a symptom of a larger problem. I was not good at giving hm the validation he needed as a man and husband. I did withhold affection from him. I did dismiss a lot of what he said. If he did those things to me, I would probably look elsewhere too.

Regardless if the other woman was married or not, I would absolutely contact them. Not to start a fight but to let them know just how fucked up what they did was. If they want to fuck up their own lives, fine, but don't fuck with my family. As a woman, I could never have an affair with a married man. I don't consider myself the police on moral values but that's just wrong.

You are awesome.

Thank you. It's certainly not something you can prepare yourself for but I did sit on the information for a couple days and made sure I wasn't in a major fit of anger when I contacted her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently discovered DH was having an affair. The signs were all there and I chose to ignore them. Of course the OW was a mutual friend also.

Did I contact her! Hell yes. She denied everything but then I sent an email, referencing some FB messages, just to let her know I did indeed have proof. All I said was that i knew what was going on, I had proof, and it was going to end right then and there. Unless she wanted me to tell her husband, whom I work with. I also made sure that I called her while DH was on a plane returning from a business trip so he was not immediately available. Then I blocked our cells from receiving calls or texts from her number.

Yes, DH and I have our share of problems but walking out on a marriage is not something I plan to do without a fight. The affair was a symptom of a larger problem. I was not good at giving hm the validation he needed as a man and husband. I did withhold affection from him. I did dismiss a lot of what he said. If he did those things to me, I would probably look elsewhere too.

Regardless if the other woman was married or not, I would absolutely contact them. Not to start a fight but to let them know just how fucked up what they did was. If they want to fuck up their own lives, fine, but don't fuck with my family. As a woman, I could never have an affair with a married man. I don't consider myself the police on moral values but that's just wrong.

You are awesome.

Thank you. It's certainly not something you can prepare yourself for but I did sit on the information for a couple days and made sure I wasn't in a major fit of anger when I contacted her.

OP here. If you had a choice of calling, emailing, or face-to-face, which would you choose? I have this woman's cell phone #, work number, personal email, work email, place of employment. As mentioned before, she may be working in the same building that I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently discovered DH was having an affair. The signs were all there and I chose to ignore them. Of course the OW was a mutual friend also.

Did I contact her! Hell yes. She denied everything but then I sent an email, referencing some FB messages, just to let her know I did indeed have proof. All I said was that i knew what was going on, I had proof, and it was going to end right then and there. Unless she wanted me to tell her husband, whom I work with. I also made sure that I called her while DH was on a plane returning from a business trip so he was not immediately available. Then I blocked our cells from receiving calls or texts from her number.

Yes, DH and I have our share of problems but walking out on a marriage is not something I plan to do without a fight. The affair was a symptom of a larger problem. I was not good at giving hm the validation he needed as a man and husband. I did withhold affection from him. I did dismiss a lot of what he said. If he did those things to me, I would probably look elsewhere too.

Regardless if the other woman was married or not, I would absolutely contact them. Not to start a fight but to let them know just how fucked up what they did was. If they want to fuck up their own lives, fine, but don't fuck with my family. As a woman, I could never have an affair with a married man. I don't consider myself the police on moral values but that's just wrong.

You are awesome.

Thank you. It's certainly not something you can prepare yourself for but I did sit on the information for a couple days and made sure I wasn't in a major fit of anger when I contacted her.

OP here. If you had a choice of calling, emailing, or face-to-face, which would you choose? I have this woman's cell phone #, work number, personal email, work email, place of employment. As mentioned before, she may be working in the same building that I do.

I had cell, work and email. I chose her work number because I blocked my outgoing number and figured she was more likely to answer an unknown number at her desk phone, the last thng I needed was someone stalking my cell. Also less likely to get out of hand on the phone. I wasn't shooting for a major screaming match, just calmly telling her to that I knew and she needed to prepare for the worst, which would be her husband finding out. Was it uncool to call during work hours? Yes. But she had no problem screwing my husband during work hours so I can't say I really cared. I will say I was emotionally completely tore up over this and was actually placing the call from home as I had taken a personal day.

If I worked in the same building as her, I would take a day off to handle things. I actually contacted her before DH even knew I knew as well as monitored his emails and FB messages until he arrived home so I could delete if necessary. I didnt actually get around to blocking her incoming calls and texts to his cell until the next evening as I wasn't sure what controls I had over the account, she actually reached him the next day and ended up telling him that I knew. I had to speak to him face to face about and did but I wanted to let her know immediately.

I never told her husband. I have enough issues in my own marriage, I have no desire to go causing problems in someone else's. They also have infant children and recently purchased a new home. If they were to split, it could get really nasty and the kids deserve better. I also have zero desire to have her husband grill me abut what I know. I am trying to forgive and move on. Reliving/rehashing those days is not something I want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently discovered DH was having an affair. The signs were all there and I chose to ignore them. Of course the OW was a mutual friend also.

Did I contact her! Hell yes. She denied everything but then I sent an email, referencing some FB messages, just to let her know I did indeed have proof. All I said was that i knew what was going on, I had proof, and it was going to end right then and there. Unless she wanted me to tell her husband, whom I work with. I also made sure that I called her while DH was on a plane returning from a business trip so he was not immediately available. Then I blocked our cells from receiving calls or texts from her number.

OP here. If you had a choice of calling, emailing, or face-to-face, which would you choose? I have this woman's cell phone #, work number, personal email, work email, place of employment. As mentioned before, she may be working in the same building that I do.

how long did you know before you contacted the OW?

[Anonymous]

The problem with dealing with the ow is that there are 10000 of them and one of your dh. So start at home.


This whole "studies show OW are less attractive" also cracks me up. I've been an OW and my DH has had one. Let's just say I think his ow was hideous and I'm cuter than gd other party in my situation. It's not like there has been empirical research. You're asking husbands who have been. Caught cheating if the chick was hotter. Yeah I'm suuuuuure the answer is totally honest. Come. On.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do women always want to hold on to their cheating scum husbands? If I were the OP I'd kick him out until he came to his senses and realizes what he was about to lose. And if he didn't, he wasn't worth holding on to. Have some self-respect.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with dealing with the ow is that there are 10000 of them and one of your dh. So start at home.


This whole "studies show OW are less attractive" also cracks me up. I've been an OW and my DH has had one. Let's just say I think his ow was hideous and I'm cuter than gd other party in my situation. It's not like there has been empirical research. You're asking husbands who have been. Caught cheating if the chick was hotter. Yeah I'm suuuuuure the answer is totally honest. Come. On.

Who said there were studies? Seriously. I didn't read that. Did I miss something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

Then your counselor is crazy too.

Nope - OW got counseling - found a great guy and lived happily every after. Sometimes it just takes one sane person to set things right. That is called the high road.

I thought you said she was out of your life? How would you know, liar?

[Anonymous]

Ha re studies -- from other thread re making out with strippers. Whoops. But, still. Silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently discovered DH was having an affair. The signs were all there and I chose to ignore them. Of course the OW was a mutual friend also.

Did I contact her! Hell yes. She denied everything but then I sent an email, referencing some FB messages, just to let her know I did indeed have proof. All I said was that i knew what was going on, I had proof, and it was going to end right then and there. Unless she wanted me to tell her husband, whom I work with. I also made sure that I called her while DH was on a plane returning from a business trip so he was not immediately available. Then I blocked our cells from receiving calls or texts from her number.

OP here. If you had a choice of calling, emailing, or face-to-face, which would you choose? I have this woman's cell phone #, work number, personal email, work email, place of employment. As mentioned before, she may be working in the same building that I do.

how long did you know before you contacted the OW?

I was working on a timeline and knew I wanted to do it inline DH was still out of town so only a couple of days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

Then your counselor is crazy too.

Nope - OW got counseling - found a great guy and lived happily every after. Sometimes it just takes one sane person to set things right. That is called the high road.

I thought you said she was out of your life? How would you know, liar?

I said her boss got her a mentor, my kids were taken out of her class, the boss told me she was seeking counseling due to a recent death of her brother and she put the wedding announcement in the gazette. There is only room for one liar in my kids lives.