Reply to Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OW here.  Why I didn't think he was insincere?  I was friends with him for 12 years.  It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt. [/quote]

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?[/quote]

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful.  We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses.  That was about 6 months ago.  They are still together.  And I am still with my DH.  We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.  [/quote]

Sorry to keep hounding you but since I'm a DW who chose not to confront the OW your perspective is appreciated! What do you mean broke it off immediately - did one of your spouses find out ("D Day" in infidelity speak)? Do both spouses know, or just his? I have read that an EA for a woman is much more dangerous - once the wife decides she is out of the marriage and has an emotional connection with someone, she is really done with her husband, whereas men are more apt to get out of the "fog." Do you still love your DH?
[/quote]

Yes, our spouses found out.  It was dramatic, and we never really talked since (except the check-ins).

I always loved my DH...I've been with him for so many years, but we never talked or hung out together.  We were sort of living on different planets.  We're working on it now.  But, yes, its harder to want to change now than before.  I wanted us to be closer for so many years, and now that he's going to counseling with me etc., its harder to be excited for it, but I still want it.  [/quote]

How did your spouses find out?  Your DH must have been deeply hurt.  Do you think there is a strong chance that your marriage will succeed?[/quote]

They saw some emails.  DH was upset, but not devasted like the other DW.  I don't think men really think its cheating when its not physical.  It woke him up though.  I had been asking to go to counseling/work on our marriage for years.  He finally started listening.[/quote]

I'm one of the wives who has been asking you questions (more than one of us here obviously). Thanks for your responses. Your situation sounds similar to ours, in that my DH had an EA with a long-time friend, they were both going through a really rough time, etc. Like you, this woke us both up and got us into counseling and I am finally understanding why infidelity in some cases can be the best thing to happen to you. Our marriage is stronger and getting stronger every day. We are just over a year out after I discovered what was happening (nothing dramatic as emails in our case, I just finally had enough and confronted him). [/quote]

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