Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF? Of course you shouldn't do that! What purpose would it serve? Talk to your husband but leave that woman alone.

Really? My counselor recommended contacting the OW. What do I owe her - nothing. If I want somebody to stop being a part of my life I have the right to tell them to get the f out of my life. She decided to be a part of my life - I am not going to sit around like a wuss.

Guess what - if you are driving too fast past where my kids play I will tell you that too - no vows needed.

Then your counselor is crazy too.

Nope - OW got counseling - found a great guy and lived happily every after. Sometimes it just takes one sane person to set things right. That is called the high road.

I thought you said she was out of your life? How would you know, liar?

I said her boss got her a mentor, my kids were taken out of her class, the boss told me she was seeking counseling due to a recent death of her brother and she put the wedding announcement in the gazette. There is only room for one liar in my kids lives.

Ignore this person, pp. There was some weenie on here late last night making really snarky and juvenile comments on a number of threads. I suspect it was a teen troll. Got me a couple times before I recognized the trend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with dealing with the ow is that there are 10000 of them and one of your dh. So start at home.


This whole "studies show OW are less attractive" also cracks me up. I've been an OW and my DH has had one. Let's just say I think his ow was hideous and I'm cuter than gd other party in my situation. It's not like there has been empirical research. You're asking husbands who have been. Caught cheating if the chick was hotter. Yeah I'm suuuuuure the answer is totally honest. Come. On.

Who said there were studies? Seriously. I didn't read that. Did I miss something?

Of course there are studies. There is a psychological aspect to affairs, just like alcoholism, any kind of addiction, any kind of compulsive behavior. And yeah, "studies" show that a lot of men say their affair partner was less attractive than their wife. One psychotherapist who has worked with men who have had affairs for decades (usually this research is done in the context of counseling sessions, it's not like we are talking about randomized controlled trials, these are observational studies, but they still show trends) says that the ideal affair partner for a man is more of a mess than he is. He gets something out of comforting her, protecting her, etc. Distracts him from his own stuff, fills part of whatever he is looking for.

In my case, definitely true. She was older too, a bit heavier. Going through a messy time in her life, crying at work a lot, and just in general a mess. I had known her for a few years as she'd worked with DH for a while, and I just never suspected a thing because of all that. She was not someone I'd call attractive, though she was not unattractive or ugly. DH said he was just feeling so low, worthless, and like I didn't need him at all. He felt needed by her, he felt like he was this strong guy, much like I felt about him when we first got together. But by then we had years of resentments on both our sides built up.

Point is, affairs are usually about opportunity, and not "I found my soul mate!"

[Anonymous]

To the OW who was posting earlier, you said both spouses found emails. Did part of you want to get caught? I think in my husband's emotional affair he did. He talked about her a lot and I think he wanted me to get fed up and confront him. It was awful when it all came out but ultimately I think he wanted my attention.

Was that the same for you? Were you careless? Because it sounds like you wanted to get your DH's attention to. Sounds like you and your DH are doing well and getting through it.

[Anonymous]

I was more beautiful than the DW.

[Anonymous]

Theanks 8:36. I missed the timing, trend. I am 10 yrs past this so not too sensitive to the snarkiness. Betrayed wives need lots of support, so I stay on these threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was more beautiful than the DW.

You could be an exception or maybe a beautiful mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OW who was posting earlier, you said both spouses found emails. Did part of you want to get caught? I think in my husband's emotional affair he did. He talked about her a lot and I think he wanted me to get fed up and confront him. It was awful when it all came out but ultimately I think he wanted my attention.

Was that the same for you? Were you careless? Because it sounds like you wanted to get your DH's attention to. Sounds like you and your DH are doing well and getting through it.

It was the OM who was careless. Maybe he did want to get caught. I don't know. His DW had asked multiple times about us. And i know he talked about me too much. My DH didn't have a SINGLE clue. He didn't pay attention enough to notice. He was super surpriSed when it all came out. Honestly, I wanted the OMs attention only at that point. DH and I are doing so much better now, but I will be 100% honest I still think about OM a lot. I won't ever contact him again but I still have to switch my brain back to my DH. Whenever I think "Wow I wish I could tell this story to OM". I make sure I switch and say this is someting I need to share with DH. Make sense? It's harder to get things down via my phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was more beautiful than the DW.

You could be an exception or maybe a beautiful mess.

Well...yes, probably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the OW who was posting earlier, you said both spouses found emails. Did part of you want to get caught? I think in my husband's emotional affair he did. He talked about her a lot and I think he wanted me to get fed up and confront him. It was awful when it all came out but ultimately I think he wanted my attention.

Was that the same for you? Were you careless? Because it sounds like you wanted to get your DH's attention to. Sounds like you and your DH are doing well and getting through it.

It was the OM who was careless. Maybe he did want to get caught. I don't know. His DW had asked multiple times about us. And i know he talked about me too much. My DH didn't have a SINGLE clue. He didn't pay attention enough to notice. He was super surpriSed when it all came out. Honestly, I wanted the OMs attention only at that point. DH and I are doing so much better now, but I will be 100% honest I still think about OM a lot. I won't ever contact him again but I still have to switch my brain back to my DH. Whenever I think "Wow I wish I could tell this story to OM". I make sure I switch and say this is someting I need to share with DH. Make sense? It's harder to get things down via my phone.

You sound like you really love your dh. Do have kids and did this affect them?

During dh's affair he was so inpatient and frustrated with all of us.

And men are much better at compartmentalizing than women usually. So can't imagine a mom having an
Affair.

[Anonymous]

Actually I was much more pleasant. I was really happy all the time and was able to spend a lot of energy on my children. I was basically living on a cloud and everything just felt fun. Not so much after it ended though. I was in a lot of pain/guilt etc. It's only starting to get better now.

[Anonymous]

Another anecdote, but that was one thing that really bugged me about the woman my husband had a mini-affair with (it happened over a week while he was on a trip). She was older, thin but sort of haggard looking. Not intelligent or funny. and her life was (and continues to be) a total mess. Her husband has cheated on her for years and she just always seemed to be a complete emotional disaster. We knew her socially for a couple of years before and always marveled over her train wreck stories. And then my husband slept with her. So weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually I was much more pleasant. I was really happy all the time and was able to spend a lot of energy on my children. I was basically living on a cloud and everything just felt fun. Not so much after it ended though. I was in a lot of pain/guilt etc. It's only starting to get better now.

Were you coworkers? Do you still have to see each other at work? Did you meet secretly or did it never get that far?

It sounds like you were trying to fill an emotional void in your marriage with the affair. But r or no?

Also sounds like you and his wife were friends, do you run into each other now ever? That was my big fear after it al came out. Seeing her somewhere.

There is still more info I want from my dh and a few things that don't fully add up, though overall I believe him. But once things started getting good with us I stopped asking. Just want to move forward. So forums like this are nice.

[Anonymous]

PP again sorry for the extra letters, erased a sentence not all the way.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm. I am not sure about the whole husbands looking for a mess because it makes them feel powerful. I think it's more like smelling out someone who is sad and lonely and will take them up on it. That sad person is just as likely to e hot as not, but of course, wives who have been cheated on will dispute this and husbands who have btdt will say their wives are soooooi much more attractive. Very reliable, right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I was much more pleasant. I was really happy all the time and was able to spend a lot of energy on my children. I was basically living on a cloud and everything just felt fun. Not so much after it ended though. I was in a lot of pain/guilt etc. It's only starting to get better now.

Were you coworkers? Do you still have to see each other at work? Did you meet secretly or did it never get that far?

It sounds like you were trying to fill an emotional void in your marriage with the affair. But r or no?

Also sounds like you and his wife were friends, do you run into each other now ever? That was my big fear after it al came out. Seeing her somewhere.

There is still more info I want from my dh and a few things that don't fully add up, though overall I believe him. But once things started getting good with us I stopped asking. Just want to move forward. So forums like this are nice.

We were/sort of are coworkers. I was transferred out to Reston before we were found out. Actually that's probably part of how we were found out bc we had to email so much more since we didn't see each other during the day anymore. Even though we're part of the same company it is unlikely we will cross paths through work.

We did go out secretly. We even traveled once together.

I was friends with the wife. I feel more guilt towards her than I do my DH. I was really angry at him for awhile for not noticing and just not making an effort for so many years. I was asking him to go to counseling for 5 years.

I got a lot of emotional support/validation from the OM. But obviously it wasn't real.

I worry about running into her but it's not likely though could happen. I just wouldn't know what to say.