Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful. We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses. That was about 6 months ago. They are still together. And I am still with my DH. We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.

Sorry to keep hounding you but since I'm a DW who chose not to confront the OW your perspective is appreciated! What do you mean broke it off immediately - did one of your spouses find out ("D Day" in infidelity speak)? Do both spouses know, or just his? I have read that an EA for a woman is much more dangerous - once the wife decides she is out of the marriage and has an emotional connection with someone, she is really done with her husband, whereas men are more apt to get out of the "fog." Do you still love your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

Yes - you just say - her or me and he says bye bye to the OW. If you are an OW and he picked you well I am sure he told you that but she kicked him out and never gave him a choice. It is really up to the wife.

As an OW, I don't WANT the man as a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

Yes - you just say - her or me and he says bye bye to the OW. If you are an OW and he picked you well I am sure he told you that but she kicked him out and never gave him a choice. It is really up to the wife.

Yup. Wife here. Told him if he wanted out he was free to go and that he could take the house, the car, and all our money. I would leave with the clothes on my back and he could have her and all our $$. If he stayed though, and did it again, I get everything. It was entirely his choice. He crawled across the living room on his hands and knees crying and begging. And, not only did he agree to the deal, he did so in writing. Then he broke it off with the OW (via chat) while I watched and told him what to say. Then he got sober and did the work to heal himself and earn me back. If you honestly think the wife isn't calling the shots, you are delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently discovered DH was having an affair. The signs were all there and I chose to ignore them. Of course the OW was a mutual friend also.

Did I contact her! Hell yes. She denied everything but then I sent an email, referencing some FB messages, just to let her know I did indeed have proof. All I said was that i knew what was going on, I had proof, and it was going to end right then and there. Unless she wanted me to tell her husband, whom I work with. I also made sure that I called her while DH was on a plane returning from a business trip so he was not immediately available. Then I blocked her our cells from receiving calls or texts from her number.

Yes, DH and I have our share of problems but walking out on a marriage is not something I plan to do without a fight. The affair was a symptom of a larger problem. I was not good at giving hm the validation he needed as a man and husband. I did withhold affection from him. I did dismiss a lot of what he said. If he did those things to me, I would probably look elsewhere too.

Regardless if the other woman was married or not, I would absolutely contact them. Not to start a fight but to let them know just how fucked up what they did was. If they want to fuck up their own lives, fine, but don't fuck with my family. As a woman, I could never have an affair with a married man. I don't consider myself the police on moral values but that's just wrong.

You are awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful. We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses. That was about 6 months ago. They are still together. And I am still with my DH. We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.

Sorry to keep hounding you but since I'm a DW who chose not to confront the OW your perspective is appreciated! What do you mean broke it off immediately - did one of your spouses find out ("D Day" in infidelity speak)? Do both spouses know, or just his? I have read that an EA for a woman is much more dangerous - once the wife decides she is out of the marriage and has an emotional connection with someone, she is really done with her husband, whereas men are more apt to get out of the "fog." Do you still love your DH?

Yes, our spouses found out. It was dramatic, and we never really talked since (except the check-ins).

I always loved my DH...I've been with him for so many years, but we never talked or hung out together. We were sort of living on different planets. We're working on it now. But, yes, its harder to want to change now than before. I wanted us to be closer for so many years, and now that he's going to counseling with me etc., its harder to be excited for it, but I still want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful. We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses. That was about 6 months ago. They are still together. And I am still with my DH. We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.

Sorry to keep hounding you but since I'm a DW who chose not to confront the OW your perspective is appreciated! What do you mean broke it off immediately - did one of your spouses find out ("D Day" in infidelity speak)? Do both spouses know, or just his? I have read that an EA for a woman is much more dangerous - once the wife decides she is out of the marriage and has an emotional connection with someone, she is really done with her husband, whereas men are more apt to get out of the "fog." Do you still love your DH?

I can see this because in general, women put a much higher premium on emotional connections than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

Yes - you just say - her or me and he says bye bye to the OW. If you are an OW and he picked you well I am sure he told you that but she kicked him out and never gave him a choice. It is really up to the wife.

As an OW, I don't WANT the man as a husband.

Yea but when he doesn't take your calls and changes his number and email address without so much as a goodbye you are not exactly ending on your terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful. We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses. That was about 6 months ago. They are still together. And I am still with my DH. We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.

Sorry to keep hounding you but since I'm a DW who chose not to confront the OW your perspective is appreciated! What do you mean broke it off immediately - did one of your spouses find out ("D Day" in infidelity speak)? Do both spouses know, or just his? I have read that an EA for a woman is much more dangerous - once the wife decides she is out of the marriage and has an emotional connection with someone, she is really done with her husband, whereas men are more apt to get out of the "fog." Do you still love your DH?

Yes, our spouses found out. It was dramatic, and we never really talked since (except the check-ins).

I always loved my DH...I've been with him for so many years, but we never talked or hung out together. We were sort of living on different planets. We're working on it now. But, yes, its harder to want to change now than before. I wanted us to be closer for so many years, and now that he's going to counseling with me etc., its harder to be excited for it, but I still want it.

How did your spouses find out? Your DH must have been deeply hurt. Do you think there is a strong chance that your marriage will succeed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

Yes - you just say - her or me and he says bye bye to the OW. If you are an OW and he picked you well I am sure he told you that but she kicked him out and never gave him a choice. It is really up to the wife.

Yup. Wife here. Told him if he wanted out he was free to go and that he could take the house, the car, and all our money. I would leave with the clothes on my back and he could have her and all our $$. If he stayed though, and did it again, I get everything. It was entirely his choice. He crawled across the living room on his hands and knees crying and begging. And, not only did he agree to the deal, he did so in writing. Then he broke it off with the OW (via chat) while I watched and told him what to say. Then he got sober and did the work to heal himself and earn me back. If you honestly think the wife isn't calling the shots, you are delusional.

Ditto - oh and I threw the kids in there 50% custody - I think that is when he really figured he was under water. Yes there is such a thing as Post Nuptual Agreements.

We should start a club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

Yes - you just say - her or me and he says bye bye to the OW. If you are an OW and he picked you well I am sure he told you that but she kicked him out and never gave him a choice. It is really up to the wife.

Yup. Wife here. Told him if he wanted out he was free to go and that he could take the house, the car, and all our money. I would leave with the clothes on my back and he could have her and all our $$. If he stayed though, and did it again, I get everything. It was entirely his choice. He crawled across the living room on his hands and knees crying and begging. And, not only did he agree to the deal, he did so in writing. Then he broke it off with the OW (via chat) while I watched and told him what to say. Then he got sober and did the work to heal himself and earn me back. If you honestly think the wife isn't calling the shots, you are delusional.

Ditto - oh and I threw the kids in there 50% custody - I think that is when he really figured he was under water. Yes there is such a thing as Post Nuptual Agreements.

We should start a club.

The "Still the First Wives" club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

Yes - you just say - her or me and he says bye bye to the OW. If you are an OW and he picked you well I am sure he told you that but she kicked him out and never gave him a choice. It is really up to the wife.

Yup. Wife here. Told him if he wanted out he was free to go and that he could take the house, the car, and all our money. I would leave with the clothes on my back and he could have her and all our $$. If he stayed though, and did it again, I get everything. It was entirely his choice. He crawled across the living room on his hands and knees crying and begging. And, not only did he agree to the deal, he did so in writing. Then he broke it off with the OW (via chat) while I watched and told him what to say. Then he got sober and did the work to heal himself and earn me back. If you honestly think the wife isn't calling the shots, you are delusional.

Ditto - oh and I threw the kids in there 50% custody - I think that is when he really figured he was under water. Yes there is such a thing as Post Nuptual Agreements.

We should start a club.

Great, now the guy has lost any power he had in the marriage. Talk about being whipped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful. We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses. That was about 6 months ago. They are still together. And I am still with my DH. We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.

Sorry to keep hounding you but since I'm a DW who chose not to confront the OW your perspective is appreciated! What do you mean broke it off immediately - did one of your spouses find out ("D Day" in infidelity speak)? Do both spouses know, or just his? I have read that an EA for a woman is much more dangerous - once the wife decides she is out of the marriage and has an emotional connection with someone, she is really done with her husband, whereas men are more apt to get out of the "fog." Do you still love your DH?

Yes, our spouses found out. It was dramatic, and we never really talked since (except the check-ins).

I always loved my DH...I've been with him for so many years, but we never talked or hung out together. We were sort of living on different planets. We're working on it now. But, yes, its harder to want to change now than before. I wanted us to be closer for so many years, and now that he's going to counseling with me etc., its harder to be excited for it, but I still want it.

How did your spouses find out? Your DH must have been deeply hurt. Do you think there is a strong chance that your marriage will succeed?

They saw some emails. DH was upset, but not devasted like the other DW. I don't think men really think its cheating when its not physical. It woke him up though. I had been asking to go to counseling/work on our marriage for years. He finally started listening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You wronged wives don't get it. You don't get end "the relationship" your husband has with the OW, on your terms or otherwise. OW know you are angry and upset. Individual therapy would be a better use of your time.

Yes - you just say - her or me and he says bye bye to the OW. If you are an OW and he picked you well I am sure he told you that but she kicked him out and never gave him a choice. It is really up to the wife.

Yup. Wife here. Told him if he wanted out he was free to go and that he could take the house, the car, and all our money. I would leave with the clothes on my back and he could have her and all our $$. If he stayed though, and did it again, I get everything. It was entirely his choice. He crawled across the living room on his hands and knees crying and begging. And, not only did he agree to the deal, he did so in writing. Then he broke it off with the OW (via chat) while I watched and told him what to say. Then he got sober and did the work to heal himself and earn me back. If you honestly think the wife isn't calling the shots, you are delusional.

Ditto - oh and I threw the kids in there 50% custody - I think that is when he really figured he was under water. Yes there is such a thing as Post Nuptual Agreements.

We should start a club.

Great, now the guy has lost any power he had in the marriage. Talk about being whipped.

Please the only thing my H can't do in our marriage is drug abuse, child abuse, smoke and sleep with other women. I make tons more than him so yes he does not get alimony if he cheats. Wow - that is really whipped. I know it makes you feel better to screw married men if you think their wives are bitches.

It's funny you think 50% custody is a mean thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW here. Why I didn't think he was insincere? I was friends with him for 12 years. It was a really vulnerable and scary time in my life and I had real feelings for him that stemmed from a long friendship. I just didn't want to think he'd do that w/o real feelings too. That's also why I never let it go to a physical affair. For some reason on my mind that meant we were not crossing the ultimate line.

As for the guilt factor, it would probably make me feel worse not better bc I'd actually have to see/hear her hurt.

What happened with you guys? Did you break it off? Is he still with his wife? Did he want it to get physical?

We broke it off pretty much immediately, which was painful. We've not really spoken since, except maybe 2-3 emails checking in to see how we're doing with our respective spouses. That was about 6 months ago. They are still together. And I am still with my DH. We both wanted to get physical, but didn't because we refused to take it that far, but we talked about it.

Sorry to keep hounding you but since I'm a DW who chose not to confront the OW your perspective is appreciated! What do you mean broke it off immediately - did one of your spouses find out ("D Day" in infidelity speak)? Do both spouses know, or just his? I have read that an EA for a woman is much more dangerous - once the wife decides she is out of the marriage and has an emotional connection with someone, she is really done with her husband, whereas men are more apt to get out of the "fog." Do you still love your DH?

Yes, our spouses found out. It was dramatic, and we never really talked since (except the check-ins).

I always loved my DH...I've been with him for so many years, but we never talked or hung out together. We were sort of living on different planets. We're working on it now. But, yes, its harder to want to change now than before. I wanted us to be closer for so many years, and now that he's going to counseling with me etc., its harder to be excited for it, but I still want it.

How did your spouses find out? Your DH must have been deeply hurt. Do you think there is a strong chance that your marriage will succeed?

They saw some emails. DH was upset, but not devasted like the other DW. I don't think men really think its cheating when its not physical. It woke him up though. I had been asking to go to counseling/work on our marriage for years. He finally started listening.

I find your story interesting and really hope that your best years of marriage are ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you would be surprised if you knew who was really cheating. Count as me as another wife who was cheated on - no one would ever imagine what we went through. We seem like a perfect happy couple and actually, we are now. But when the whole cheating thing was blowing up, we presented normally and didn't tell hardly anyone. Really you'd be shocked.

Was it also a physical affair? How in the world did you get through this? How can you ever look at him the same way? I hear these stories about "my marriage is so much better because the affair made us realize we needed to communicate better", blah, blah, blah, but that is a hell of a way to realize you need to communicate better. Not saying I would definitely divorce if my husband fooled around, but it would just make me sick to know he was in bed with another woman and I could never completely trust him.

Well in my case it was a one night stand, which is why I say cheating and not an affair, per se. But seriously - when you have kids, and you've been married for years, and you can admit to yourself that your marriage had become routine and that there were things you too could have worked on, it's not always such a great idea to walk. It's not like divorcing the father of your preschoolers is going to be easy and fun. That choice sucks too. So for me, I looked at my two crappy choices and I gave my husband a year to prove that he wanted to stay and to prove that he was devestated and remorseful. And he did, and I stayed. I still think about it a lot and it is still incredibly hurtful, but I know that for my own situation, divorce would not have been the "better" choice.

Now if we didn't have kids, I'd probably have left.