Friends don't want to pay for beach house, and think it was my fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Thanks for all of the responses. A bit of context might be helpful. My friend and I aren't foreign to this sort of communication. In grad school, our group would nominate someone to pick a condo before ski trips, send a potential rental with the lease, and we would all say yay or nay. And then we all figured out our share, and stroked a check to the person who secured the condo. Food and drink were always handled easily, without anyone offering receipts unless it was a huge purchase. It all seemed to work out without lots of talk of money.

So I was working under the assumption that this was the case here. I spoke again with my friend tonight. She is embarrassed and admits that she didn't read the emails carefully. But also insists that they can't make the trip if we are indeed splitting the cost of the house. She said something to the affect of "You guys are making lots of money now, I just thought you were inviting us to join you on a vacation you would have done with or without us." [i] She assumes to much about us!

So that's where it is. SOMETHING is going on with her, and I can't get a great read right now. (We were both trying to get kids down and clean up dinner while on the phone.)

I am not a drama person. I am going to suck it up, and treat the week as a chance to reconnect with her and find out what is going on. Try to minimize her embarassment, and convince them that they are welcome regardless of what they can contribute.

Of course, my husband is now convinced her husband is a "dickhead." So that should be interesting.

If it were me, this person would no longer be my friend.

You are a better person than I, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Five months ago, we asked friends who live in New Jersey if they wanted to rent a house with us in OBX next week. They were excited, said yes, so I sent them the link of a house we liked. Emailed, and asked them to see if it worked, in terms of accomodations, location, and cost. They wrote back, and said, "Yes! Move forward."

So we did. I paid the lease for the house, and sent them a note about their portion. Received nothing back.

We are all set to go, and my husband requested that I remind them once more about their portion. I gave my friend a call, and she was upset. Assumed we had invited them, not asking that they contribute. They don't plan on going if they have to pay.

I am VERY sure there could not have been confusion or miscommunication. But maybe? These are good friends.

It's a mess. An expensive mess for us.

The NJ people are not on the lease . Why not? I would be confused by the incidentals and the settle up email if this was supposed to be a joint trip and no one asked me for a check to be sent to the realtor nor put me on the lease.

While I agree you were sort of clear, this is why I think the email you sent is prone to misinterpretation. "Settle up" for what? The entire rent? Just the insurance and incidentals?

That was never clearly stated and they are not a party to the lease.

So while I agree w/ the OP at feeling taken advantage of (whether intentionally or by the other party's failure to read carefully & clarify terms), there is room for ambiguity here and if we're going to get hyper-technically legal, ambiguity is construed against the drafter (in this case, the OP).

Bummer in any case....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're a good friend and I do agree that you should cut your friend some slack but I also think there was no excuse for the shitty comment about how much more money you have. I have been through terrible times. DC's dad died suddenly, my mom died, I was completely broke, DC was diagnosed with a severe neurological disorder all in a short period of time and I still did not treat my friends that way. In fact, I appreciated them all the more. I don't really understand all of the excuses but I would give this friend the benefit of the doubt until she does something like this again. My guess is that she resents you for being in better shape than she is and so she is making digs and then regretting them. I do think there is more to the story than she is telling you. Possibly it's her husband who is to blame but she still made that comment and then apologized because she knew she was being a jerk and she knew she should hide her resentment a little better.

19:19 here. I agree. Some people became really jerky about family incomes , houses, competition over kids, etc. best advice is to keep them in your circle of friends but at arms length. better to know than be blindsided as was the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your email was clear. A PP made a great point that if they thought you were paying they would have effusively thanked you. I wpuld absolutely take your parents and neighbors instead. It sucks to end a friendship over money but this was their decision, not yours.

wow, you sound horribly selfish and money-obsessed. you would end a friendship over a misunderstanding over money?

I would end a friendship over a friend trying to manipulate me into paying her way because she believes I make more money than she does.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, I think your friend is a using you. Everyone knows that when a friend asks you to "rent a house with them they mean split the cost. Period. That said my daughter's violin teacher who we ONLY KNEW THROUGH VIOLIN LESSONS (not a friend at all), took a fancy to my twins and decided that she wanted them to be flower children at her wedding. Well, I was flattered, stupidly, and said yes, stupidly, and I went to rent the dress and the tux and found that nothing had been paid for and that it would run me $300-$450 to pay for it all and said no sorry I can't do this and told her so a month before the wedding. She blasted me in a email that was so cluelessly selfish that I laughed when I got it. It was awkward because she was the judge on my kid's jury panel for their instruments and could pass or fail them. She offered to pay for half of the outfit. And had her mother call our house repeatedly tell my husband (I refused to take her calls) that we were really MESSING UP HER DAUGHTER'S WEDDING! this was just her violin teacher for one year mind you, not a family member or friend or anything. Teacher was from DC YOUTH ORCHESTRA, BTW I finally told her flat out NO, two eweeks before the wedding because I was just made to feel completely awkward and stressed by this woman and her family's phone calls, etc., about the entire thing and to this day we have quit orchestra because of the weirdness surrounding this incident with this woman. She was a beauty pageant diva and used to getting her way. Long story short, don't let people push you around with their agendas. Your friend sounds like a big time user who is used to having people pay her way and make her comfortable. Even for a friend, an expensive house in OBX is completely out of bounds for what a friend should expect you to pay for. If this is a pattern of behavior, it's time to phase this friendship out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your email was clear. A PP made a great point that if they thought you were paying they would have effusively thanked you. I wpuld absolutely take your parents and neighbors instead. It sucks to end a friendship over money but this was their decision, not yours.

wow, you sound horribly selfish and money-obsessed. you would end a friendship over a misunderstanding over money?

I would end a friendship over a friend trying to manipulate me into paying her way because she believes I make more money than she does.

I am 9:46 and I completely agree with end a friendship over this kind of manipulation. A word to the wise the OP--don't lord how much money you are making or how important your job is to friends in the future. They will resent you for it and some will try to screw you over. We all can't be Oprah and Gayle or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Um flower girl woman, you sound nuts and the situations aren't the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're a good friend and I do agree that you should cut your friend some slack but I also think there was no excuse for the shitty comment about how much more money you have. I have been through terrible times. DC's dad died suddenly, my mom died, I was completely broke, DC was diagnosed with a severe neurological disorder all in a short period of time and I still did not treat my friends that way. In fact, I appreciated them all the more. I don't really understand all of the excuses but I would give this friend the benefit of the doubt until she does something like this again. My guess is that she resents you for being in better shape than she is and so she is making digs and then regretting them. I do think there is more to the story than she is telling you. Possibly it's her husband who is to blame but she still made that comment and then apologized because she knew she was being a jerk and she knew she should hide her resentment a little better.

why is the money thing such a big deal to you people? I make a ton of money. Many of my hometown friends do not. So it is ASSUMED that when we go someplace, I am treating. I know and they know that they simply don't have the funds I do. So if I invite them down to a golf trip in Hilton Head, the tab is on me unless clearly stated otherwise. That is fine with me. I would go anyways so the more company the merrier.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad it worked out OP, and it sounds like you are both good and reasonable people. The fact that your friend apologized and acknowledged her part in the situation, plus the fact that she's going through a hard time, would be enough for me to forget it ever happened. Nonetheless, you weren't wrong at all in this situation--if she hadn't apologized or explained I would still think it was shady.

[Anonymous]

Wow! 11 pages. This thread really touched a nerve.

OP, I am really glad that your friend is not going with you. I don't think it would have worked well. Your DH probably would have been pissed. A similar thing happened to me and a family member. We agreed to a shared ski vacation. I made the arrangements, booked the house and paid for it. Three weeks before the trip the relative called to say she changed her mind and did not want to spend the money on the trip. I had already paid for the rental and insurance did not cover canceling for no real reason so I was stuck paying for it regardless. I told relative to come anyway and she did. My husband was very resentful.

To this day this relative warns family members not to take anything from me because there will be strings attached. She is kind of right. I only offered to have her come after she backed out of paying because I had to pay anyway. I felt used. And yes I think she feels entitled to use people. I have been too generous with this relative and she is unappreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad it worked out OP, and it sounds like you are both good and reasonable people. The fact that your friend apologized and acknowledged her part in the situation, plus the fact that she's going through a hard time, would be enough for me to forget it ever happened. Nonetheless, you weren't wrong at all in this situation--if she hadn't apologized or explained I would still think it was shady.

It's still shady - they committed to it, and then backed out at the last minute because of other circumstances, and tried to disguise it with "Oh, I thought you invited us!" But, OP, it's really commendable that you aren't angry - it sounds like she's going through a lot, and that you're a good friend. I would like to think I would do the same thing, but I can't say for certain. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're a good friend and I do agree that you should cut your friend some slack but I also think there was no excuse for the shitty comment about how much more money you have. I have been through terrible times. DC's dad died suddenly, my mom died, I was completely broke, DC was diagnosed with a severe neurological disorder all in a short period of time and I still did not treat my friends that way. In fact, I appreciated them all the more. I don't really understand all of the excuses but I would give this friend the benefit of the doubt until she does something like this again. My guess is that she resents you for being in better shape than she is and so she is making digs and then regretting them. I do think there is more to the story than she is telling you. Possibly it's her husband who is to blame but she still made that comment and then apologized because she knew she was being a jerk and she knew she should hide her resentment a little better.

why is the money thing such a big deal to you people? I make a ton of money. Many of my hometown friends do not. So it is ASSUMED that when we go someplace, I am treating. I know and they know that they simply don't have the funds I do. So if I invite them down to a golf trip in Hilton Head, the tab is on me unless clearly stated otherwise. That is fine with me. I would go anyways so the more company the merrier.

I find this a bit odd. I've always made less than most of my friends. I would never assume anything is a treat, and in fact, make sure I can always pay my share. Yes, they do treat occasionally -- usually if they want me to go with them to someplace I can't afford. I still pay what I can, and treat them to dinner, and whatever else I can chip in. Maybe it's a pride thing. But I'd think a lot less of someone who didn't at least try to share some costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're a good friend and I do agree that you should cut your friend some slack but I also think there was no excuse for the shitty comment about how much more money you have. I have been through terrible times. DC's dad died suddenly, my mom died, I was completely broke, DC was diagnosed with a severe neurological disorder all in a short period of time and I still did not treat my friends that way. In fact, I appreciated them all the more. I don't really understand all of the excuses but I would give this friend the benefit of the doubt until she does something like this again. My guess is that she resents you for being in better shape than she is and so she is making digs and then regretting them. I do think there is more to the story than she is telling you. Possibly it's her husband who is to blame but she still made that comment and then apologized because she knew she was being a jerk and she knew she should hide her resentment a little better.

why is the money thing such a big deal to you people? I make a ton of money. Many of my hometown friends do not. So it is ASSUMED that when we go someplace, I am treating. I know and they know that they simply don't have the funds I do. So if I invite them down to a golf trip in Hilton Head, the tab is on me unless clearly stated otherwise. That is fine with me. I would go anyways so the more company the merrier.

Not to overstate the obvious, but if you don't make a ton of money, then money is a big deal. Spending it, being hosed by your friends due to it, etc. etc. It's easy to not see money as a big deal when you're swimming in it. It doesn't sound like the OP is hugely rich or anything, just that she happens to be in a better situation money-wise right now than her friend. That doesn't mean she can afford to rent a house all by herself. My DH and i both work full time, have savings, and feel relatively comfortable but if we suddenly saw the cost of our vacation rental double due to a friend's cluelessness, it would suck for us in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're a good friend and I do agree that you should cut your friend some slack but I also think there was no excuse for the shitty comment about how much more money you have. I have been through terrible times. DC's dad died suddenly, my mom died, I was completely broke, DC was diagnosed with a severe neurological disorder all in a short period of time and I still did not treat my friends that way. In fact, I appreciated them all the more. I don't really understand all of the excuses but I would give this friend the benefit of the doubt until she does something like this again. My guess is that she resents you for being in better shape than she is and so she is making digs and then regretting them. I do think there is more to the story than she is telling you. Possibly it's her husband who is to blame but she still made that comment and then apologized because she knew she was being a jerk and she knew she should hide her resentment a little better.

[b]why is the money thing such a big deal to you people? I make a ton of money.[/b] Many of my hometown friends do not. So it is ASSUMED that when we go someplace, I am treating. I know and they know that they simply don't have the funds I do. So if I invite them down to a golf trip in Hilton Head, the tab is on me unless clearly stated otherwise. That is fine with me. I would go anyways so the more company the merrier.

It's not the money- it's the fact that she made a dig about money and the fact that she was rude and presumptuous and she ended up just weaseling out. Money isn't a big deal if you have lots of it and you OFFER to pay for things. But that doesn't change the fact that it's rude to expect it from your friends no matter how much they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're a good friend and I do agree that you should cut your friend some slack but I also think there was no excuse for the shitty comment about how much more money you have. I have been through terrible times. DC's dad died suddenly, my mom died, I was completely broke, DC was diagnosed with a severe neurological disorder all in a short period of time and I still did not treat my friends that way. In fact, I appreciated them all the more. I don't really understand all of the excuses but I would give this friend the benefit of the doubt until she does something like this again. My guess is that she resents you for being in better shape than she is and so she is making digs and then regretting them. I do think there is more to the story than she is telling you. Possibly it's her husband who is to blame but she still made that comment and then apologized because she knew she was being a jerk and she knew she should hide her resentment a little better.

[b]why is the money thing such a big deal to you people? I make a ton of money.[/b] Many of my hometown friends do not. So it is ASSUMED that when we go someplace, I am treating. I know and they know that they simply don't have the funds I do. So if I invite them down to a golf trip in Hilton Head, the tab is on me unless clearly stated otherwise. That is fine with me. I would go anyways so the more company the merrier.

It's not the money- it's the fact that she made a dig about money and the fact that she was rude and presumptuous and she ended up just weaseling out. Money isn't a big deal if you have lots of it and you OFFER to pay for things. But that doesn't change the fact that it's rude to expect it from your friends no matter how much they have.

I see it differently. It depends how much money the OP and her guest really have. And also, I didn't see the comment as as dig -more just a reality-based comment. We are not rich but are comfortable - maybe $300K HHI or so, and I've had lower income friends from outside the area say the exact same type things to me with no offense meant. For example, talking about what kind of playground we can afford. People that have higher incomes need to be aware that what they consider normal, others would see as extremely extravagant and just an impossibility if it were not a treat.