Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

[Anonymous]

I would agree with 13:42. The author probably exaggerated a bit about her iron-fist parenting approaches. In my humble opinion, she seems to be a bit too intelligent not to realize that her description would elicit a flood-gate of reactions similar to many expressed here.

Her approach is just another parenting approach. It does not validate that her approach is the best--many the best for her and her family. Whatever works man!

I hope we are all intelligent enough not to resort to extremes by stating that immigrants should stay in their native homes or kids whose parents push them to achieve their fullest potentials are going to be emotionally retarded. High expectations whether academically or behaviorally should be an integral part of good parenting. The uncompromising condition, without saying, is love. Do it with love but expect your child to be the very best that they could be. I don't see what's wrong with those ingredients.

My parents demanded the very best of us and were (still are) always there to help pull us up when we failed to live up to our potentials. Like one previous poster, I am forever grateful to them for the sacrifices (came to this country with NOTHING), unconditional love, and high expectations.

[Anonymous]

Chinese parents are noted for verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing their children. No thanks!

[Anonymous]

The author claims to be "traditional", yet she married a white man! LOL!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems oddly arbitrary to put a huge emphasis on piano and violin and at the same time deride participation in sports. Discipline and mastery of a skill can be practiced in almost anything. The fact that they chose two activities to the exclusion of so many others is really troubling.

The Chinese don't teach instilling the importance of 'team work', but rather instill the importance of singular competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chinese parents are noted for verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing their children. No thanks!

This is exactly what I feared when I read the article: that people would immediately leap from one lunatic parent's experience and make gross over-generalizations about the entire Chinese race - in this thread, we've seen mentions of Communism, foot binding, and physical / emotional abuse.

Ugh, disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi 22:57, I was the poster who had asked the question ... Thanks for your reply. I found your comments interesting as there is some commonality with my life (my DH is Asian and I'm of European heritage but born in North America). I think my DH and I are more similar regarding our thinking on the discipline issue than what you're describing, but of course things might very well change once there is a child in our future. I'm actually more concerned/curious how we will manage what languages we introduce/teach to our children, based on our respective backgrounds. Do you and your DH have any plan about this, if say either of you speak a different (native) tongue?

I'm glad to hear you have a common ground on which to base your parenting styles. I sometimes think that if DH had come to the U.S. earlier (born here or come over in childhood, rather than as an adult), he would be less hung up on things. I'm interested to know if your DH came over as a kid or adult!

As for languages...we've definitely talked about that, too. I think we're going to go the "one parent, one language" route -- DH speaking 100% native language (which he's, natch, fluent in, seeing as how he came over in early adulthood) to the kid(s) and me speaking 100% English. I've read numerous studies that suggest this can be an excellent way to promote bilingualism without setting DCs back wrt English language attainment. I'm also not great enough at DH's language to make our home a native tongue zone (with English being spoken outside the home -- the other popular method I've read about), so the one-parent/one-language thing seems like a method that fits us well.

I'm unlucky in that my folks didn't teach me the "mother tongue," alas, but if I were adding in another language, I'd have to do some more research on how to do three languages without confusing the kid as to when/in what context they were expected to speak which language (and also keep English learning high)...seems tricky, but I'm sure others have done it and done it well.

Hi PP, great to read from you again ... Thanks for sharing. Yes, same in our case, DH came to the US as an adult. So, like your DH, he is fluent in his native tongue (me, indeed *not* fluent in his tongue (!)) ... It's wonderful that you've figured out together how you think it will be best to manage teaching language(s) to your future child/children.

In my case, I am lucky to have been raised with the language of my parents' heritage ... Though, as I think does happen sometimes in households, I typically responded in English when spoken to in that language. So, essentially, my practical ability never kept up with the comprehension (with practice, it improves, but I regret I'd not practiced more over time...). All this has made me wonder how/if in our case we could possibly introduce three languages. It's confusing, to say the least!, which "mode" would be the best.

By the way, never said so, Congratulations on your upcoming little one!. :--)

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the posts but I found the article interesting. DD goes to school with several Chinese students. She is friends with two little girls whose mother sounds very much like the article. Its just my observation but the Chinese boys do not seem to be under the same restrictions. DD and DS are also friends with several Chinese boys who are just as into sports, computer games, and are not being academically accelerated the same way as the girls.

My DD is very smart and reading above grade level but the other child is five and reading chapter books. Her mother teaches her everything first at home so she knows it at home before coming to school. My DD started feeling bad that she was behind her friends in reading. DD picked up reading easily but does not enjoy it at all. Being behind someone motivated her somewhat to spend more time on something she didn't want to do which wasn't bad but I don't think pushing this level of differentiation at this age is great thing.

I know that one of the little girls felt bad that she was never went on playdates. I have offered a playdates several times and the mom always politely declines. I didn't understand why and now I wonder if they have a no playdate rule. My house is filled with toys, sports stuff and DD loves computer games. We do lots of educational things but we have a larger amount of time spent on just free play and physical activity.

I envy the Chinese mother's ability to motivate and get their kids to push beyond their comfort zone but I couldn't adopt any of these approaches. This worries me the most about my DD. She gets very frustrated when something does get difficult or is completely unmotivated when it is not interesting to her. She stays ahead because she picks things up very quickly but if she can't do it perfectly based on her perception of perfection then she stops no matter how much I tell her its fine and she's doing good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hi PP, great to read from you again ... Thanks for sharing. Yes, same in our case, DH came to the US as an adult. So, like your DH, he is fluent in his native tongue (me, indeed *not* fluent in his tongue (!)) ... It's wonderful that you've figured out together how you think it will be best to manage teaching language(s) to your future child/children.

In my case, I am lucky to have been raised with the language of my parents' heritage ... Though, as I think does happen sometimes in households, I typically responded in English when spoken to in that language. So, essentially, my practical ability never kept up with the comprehension (with practice, it improves, but I regret I'd not practiced more over time...). All this has made me wonder how/if in our case we could possibly introduce three languages. It's confusing, to say the least!, which "mode" would be the best.

By the way, never said so, Congratulations on your upcoming little one!. :--)

Thanks, you are very kind

I am sure you will work something out to get those languages in there! You could do one parent/one language at home, and in public you could do English. That will give your kids the context clues to keep them from getting confused, and also expose them to all the languages from a young age. It sounds like you and your DH have a great relationship and share a lot of the same values. In a household like that, kids really flourish and can learn just about anything!

If you ever want to chat off DCUM about the whole deal, email me ([e-mail]). And best of luck to you!

(...P.S. oh so jealous you retained your mother tongue!)

[Anonymous]

Buried somewhere in this massive thread, I wrote about how the pressures to succeed in an Asian-American household drove me to become suicidal. Well, I guess, I'm not alone:

http://articles.cnn.com/2007-05-16/health/asian.suicides_1_asian-american-families-asian-women-asian-american-parents?_s=PM:HEALTH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my childhood. I was expected to get straight As, I played the violin and piano, I was expected to work nearly full-time at my father's medical practice. I remember starting college and thinking, "finally I can get some sleep." I was chronically exhausted and depressed, and I had low self-esteem. In my late 30s I finally realized this year that nothing I do will ever please my parents or make them proud of me. We no longer have any relationship at all, not even the bad one we used to have. I hope they one day regret their decisions, but I doubt they will. They will always see me as ungrateful and a loser, even though most people see me as being successful and on top of things. Now that I'm a mother I take every precaution to not push my daughter in this way. I am determined for her to be happy and choose her own path in life.

Are you Asian? I am so sorry that you have gone through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the posts but I found the article interesting. DD goes to school with several Chinese students. She is friends with two little girls whose mother sounds very much like the article. Its just my observation but the Chinese boys do not seem to be under the same restrictions. DD and DS are also friends with several Chinese boys who are just as into sports, computer games, and are not being academically accelerated the same way as the girls.

My DD is very smart and reading above grade level but the other child is five and reading chapter books. Her mother teaches her everything first at home so she knows it at home before coming to school. My DD started feeling bad that she was behind her friends in reading. DD picked up reading easily but does not enjoy it at all. Being behind someone motivated her somewhat to spend more time on something she didn't want to do which wasn't bad but I don't think pushing this level of differentiation at this age is great thing.

I know that one of the little girls felt bad that she was never went on playdates. I have offered a playdates several times and the mom always politely declines. I didn't understand why and now I wonder if they have a no playdate rule. My house is filled with toys, sports stuff and DD loves computer games. We do lots of educational things but we have a larger amount of time spent on just free play and physical activity.

I envy the Chinese mother's ability to motivate and get their kids to push beyond their comfort zone but I couldn't adopt any of these approaches. This worries me the most about my DD. She gets very frustrated when something does get difficult or is completely unmotivated when it is not interesting to her. She stays ahead because she picks things up very quickly but if she can't do it perfectly based on her perception of perfection then she stops no matter how much I tell her its fine and she's doing good.

Interesting post. I know you didn't share a lot of information, but your DD reminds me a little of myself growing up. Interestingly, my BFF all the way through childhood was from Taiwan and her parents eventually got to know (and approve of) mine and she was allowed to play and hang out at our house (but not other friend's houses). I adored her (still do), and my parents did, also. She was a very good influence in their eyes -- sweet, funny, and always at the very top of the class. We were often #1 and #2 on things, which was a comfort to both sets of parents and didn't hurt our friendship one bit.

Anyway, the part you shared about lack of motivation when things are uninteresting and frustration when things go awry also resonated. It may seem slightly off topic in one way, but I think this article by Po Bronson (and the underlying research/book by Carol Dweck) are VERY interesting and may be useful for you to keep in mind when parenting your DD. In some ways it addresses the opposite parenting approach to that discussed in the "Chinese Mothers"book. But sometimes things can come full circle when it comes to motivation and encouraging love of learning for learning's sake (as opposed to seeking praise or avoiding criticism):

The Inverse Power of Praise
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

[Anonymous]

Here's your answer. Do you want your child to be a Steve Jobs or working for a Steve Jobs coding software?

[Anonymous]

I haven't gone through all these responses to see if it came up, but what do these Chinese moms do if they have a kid with ADHD or executive function problems? I have those kind of kids, and I can't imagine dealing with them in the Chinese way.

[Anonymous]

The author's daughters may appear as if they have "succeeded" but you don't know how they will turn out when they reach early adulthood. May be they will suffer depression, have bitter relations with their mother. They're still living under the roof of their parents so have little control of what happens in their lives. Just wait.

The mother seems emotionally abusive and a little whacked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's your answer. Do you want your child to be a Steve Jobs or working for a Steve Jobs coding software?

Well, not everyone can be Steve Jobs, but many Chinese Americans have started similar companies: Steven Chen co-founded YouTube, Jerry Yang co-founded Yahoo, and Charles Wang founded Computer Associates!

Just to show how wrong you are, check out this list of accomplished Chinese Americans. Some of my favorite novelists are listed here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Chinese_Americans#Business