Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This woman has a child with Downs. This makes her parenting style even more sick.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Chua

Wow, I totally missed this. This even makes it more sad-- she lavished all this crazy attention on the 2 "smart" kids and then what did she do for the DS kid? (Apparently, she also applied some of the same techniques since it notes that the DS won gold medals in swimming in the special olympics).

Her *sister*, NOT her child has Downs - from Wikipedia:

She has two daughters, Sophia and Louisa. She is the eldest of 4 sisters: Michelle, Katrin, and Cynthia. Katrin is a professor at Stanford University. One sister has Down Syndrome and holds two International Special Olympic gold medals in swimming.

the wikpedia site has been changed since last evening. It most definitely said her DAUGHTER last night and now says her sister. Weird.

there's nothing WEIRD about it. it's wikipedia. any idiot can go there and post whatever they want. didn't you know that?

[Anonymous]

Nothing unusual about a home without a tv or video games. There are still homes with less technology out there.

[Anonymous]

All the kids I knew with super strict parents turned out to be rebellious slackers never living up to their potential. Two girls got pregnant when they were teens I think partly to shove it in their parents' face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OH MAN. I talk about this stuff with my DH (Asian) all the time...IN THERAPY!

His parents really did a number on him -- same deal as most of the Asians sounding off on this board: he's super-successful, went to the #1 high school in his country before coming here, then Ivys, then became one of the "sanctioned" professional types (lawyer).

I would classify him as a professional and academic success, but a "personal" failure. That's harsh, but this is a man who is deeply insecure without achievement -- if he suffers a setback, he punishes himself relentlessly and if shaken to the core. He's not able to relax and is usually dissatisfied with where he is in life. He has an apathetic relationship with his parents, at best. And the saddest thing is, most of the time, he's just not happy with any of the other successes he's achieved in life. If you can't be happy, what use is a lot of prestige and money? I love the hell out of him, though, and tell him all the time my love is unconditional (though my "liking" of him, and my respect, are predicated on what type of person he is). It's taken many years for him to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable to me, and relax enough to actually enjoy the high points in his life without tying his self-worth to them to the extent that he can't be happy because he's forever worried he'll slip and lose everything (including the love of his family). It breaks my heart to think of generations of people who think their parents' love is contingent on grades/money/prestige.

(My bg, in case you're thinking I'm a slacker hippy -- very supportive and loving Mediterranean-European parents, with whom I have a great relationship. Got all A's because I felt happy and did great (parents were both professors and loved teaching, even at home with their children -- the best playdates in the world are ones in which your parents lead vocabulary quizzes for fun!). And I'm an eternal optimist who hopes my husband will feel loved and fulfilled and forgive his parents one day.)

How do you find this has affected your family life, then, if you have children?

Thanks for asking. We are expecting #1 and have had a lot of discussions about it (between the two of us, and with our counselor). DH is very willing to try a more American approach, but he does question (pretty much every time we talk about it) whether our kids will be high achievers without rigorous discipline...I think he's very much indoctrinated into the idea that only a very strict upbringing can result in high achievement and financial success (bafflingly, considering he agrees we're both successful people considering our very disparate upbringings). But he definitely agrees the sadness and anxiety he feels were not worth it on the personal end of the spectrum. I am keeping my fingers crossed and I'm certain we'll need to continue counseling throughout the early years to work through some of the issues we'll have along the way. I'm very (foolishly?) optimistic, though. I love this man, and he has a good heart; I know if he shows that side to our kids (while still having high expectations) there's no way they won't feel like successes, regardless of their future incomes/careers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OH MAN. I talk about this stuff with my DH (Asian) all the time...IN THERAPY!

His parents really did a number on him -- same deal as most of the Asians sounding off on this board: he's super-successful, went to the #1 high school in his country before coming here, then Ivys, then became one of the "sanctioned" professional types (lawyer).

I would classify him as a professional and academic success, but a "personal" failure. That's harsh, but this is a man who is deeply insecure without achievement -- if he suffers a setback, he punishes himself relentlessly and if shaken to the core. He's not able to relax and is usually dissatisfied with where he is in life. He has an apathetic relationship with his parents, at best. And the saddest thing is, most of the time, he's just not happy with any of the other successes he's achieved in life. If you can't be happy, what use is a lot of prestige and money? I love the hell out of him, though, and tell him all the time my love is unconditional (though my "liking" of him, and my respect, are predicated on what type of person he is). It's taken many years for him to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable to me, and relax enough to actually enjoy the high points in his life without tying his self-worth to them to the extent that he can't be happy because he's forever worried he'll slip and lose everything (including the love of his family). It breaks my heart to think of generations of people who think their parents' love is contingent on grades/money/prestige.

(My bg, in case you're thinking I'm a slacker hippy -- very supportive and loving Mediterranean-European parents, with whom I have a great relationship. Got all A's because I felt happy and did great (parents were both professors and loved teaching, even at home with their children -- the best playdates in the world are ones in which your parents lead vocabulary quizzes for fun!). And I'm an eternal optimist who hopes my husband will feel loved and fulfilled and forgive his parents one day.)

OK I would love to give vocab quizzes to my DC's and their friends. They would run so fast the other way it would make your head spin. DH and I love learning and talking about all sorts of things but particularly history. Sadly, our DC's couldn't care less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OH MAN. I talk about this stuff with my DH (Asian) all the time...IN THERAPY!

His parents really did a number on him -- same deal as most of the Asians sounding off on this board: he's super-successful, went to the #1 high school in his country before coming here, then Ivys, then became one of the "sanctioned" professional types (lawyer).

I would classify him as a professional and academic success, but a "personal" failure. That's harsh, but this is a man who is deeply insecure without achievement -- if he suffers a setback, he punishes himself relentlessly and if shaken to the core. He's not able to relax and is usually dissatisfied with where he is in life. He has an apathetic relationship with his parents, at best. And the saddest thing is, most of the time, he's just not happy with any of the other successes he's achieved in life. If you can't be happy, what use is a lot of prestige and money? I love the hell out of him, though, and tell him all the time my love is unconditional (though my "liking" of him, and my respect, are predicated on what type of person he is). It's taken many years for him to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable to me, and relax enough to actually enjoy the high points in his life without tying his self-worth to them to the extent that he can't be happy because he's forever worried he'll slip and lose everything (including the love of his family). It breaks my heart to think of generations of people who think their parents' love is contingent on grades/money/prestige.

(My bg, in case you're thinking I'm a slacker hippy -- very supportive and loving Mediterranean-European parents, with whom I have a great relationship. Got all A's because I felt happy and did great (parents were both professors and loved teaching, even at home with their children -- the best playdates in the world are ones in which your parents lead vocabulary quizzes for fun!). And I'm an eternal optimist who hopes my husband will feel loved and fulfilled and forgive his parents one day.)

Anonymous wrote:OK I would love to give vocab quizzes to my DC's and their friends. They would run so fast the other way it would make your head spin. DH and I love learning and talking about all sorts of things but particularly history. Sadly, our DC's couldn't care less.

I guess my parents DID mess me up, then...because damn did I love them when I was a kid. (Not to mention the flashcards and spatial puzzles...wow, now I am starting to wonder what they put in the water... )

[Anonymous]

Hi 22:57, I was the poster who had asked the question ... Thanks for your reply. I found your comments interesting as there is some commonality with my life (my DH is Asian and I'm of European heritage but born in North America). I think my DH and I are more similar regarding our thinking on the discipline issue than what you're describing, but of course things might very well change once there is a child in our future. I'm actually more concerned/curious how we will manage what languages we introduce/teach to our children, based on our respective backgrounds. Do you and your DH have any plan about this, if say either of you speak a different (native) tongue?

[Anonymous]

Okay so my son who is a bit of a wild child used to complain that I held him to unrealistically high standards and I would tell him, you are so very lucky that I am not a crazy Chinese mother! And one day we found this one YouTube. It is over five years old ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKnloiM-0Ns

[Anonymous]

Ah! Her daughter came in SECOND in this piano competition.
http://www.ctpost.com/local/article/Easton-violinist-wins-GBS-Young-Instrumentalists-345157.php

[Anonymous]

Make that SECOND in a musical competition. A violinist took first prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi 22:57, I was the poster who had asked the question ... Thanks for your reply. I found your comments interesting as there is some commonality with my life (my DH is Asian and I'm of European heritage but born in North America). I think my DH and I are more similar regarding our thinking on the discipline issue than what you're describing, but of course things might very well change once there is a child in our future. I'm actually more concerned/curious how we will manage what languages we introduce/teach to our children, based on our respective backgrounds. Do you and your DH have any plan about this, if say either of you speak a different (native) tongue?

I'm glad to hear you have a common ground on which to base your parenting styles. I sometimes think that if DH had come to the U.S. earlier (born here or come over in childhood, rather than as an adult), he would be less hung up on things. I'm interested to know if your DH came over as a kid or adult!

As for languages...we've definitely talked about that, too. I think we're going to go the "one parent, one language" route -- DH speaking 100% native language (which he's, natch, fluent in, seeing as how he came over in early adulthood) to the kid(s) and me speaking 100% English. I've read numerous studies that suggest this can be an excellent way to promote bilingualism without setting DCs back wrt English language attainment. I'm also not great enough at DH's language to make our home a native tongue zone (with English being spoken outside the home -- the other popular method I've read about), so the one-parent/one-language thing seems like a method that fits us well.

I'm unlucky in that my folks didn't teach me the "mother tongue," alas, but if I were adding in another language, I'd have to do some more research on how to do three languages without confusing the kid as to when/in what context they were expected to speak which language (and also keep English learning high)...seems tricky, but I'm sure others have done it and done it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW, if Asians were underrepresented at HLS, isn't that because immigration allotments increased in the last decade or so and these kids didn't have native English speaking parents from whom they could learn the language?

No.

[Anonymous]

Whats this thing about mother superior
Has anyone said anything about the fathers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whats this thing about mother superior
Has anyone said anything about the fathers?

In this case, the father has no balls.

[Anonymous]

If Chinese mothers are superior, how does the author account for Chinese gangs?