Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the different parenting styles is because when you are given an opportunity for a better life when you have nothing, you will do anything to make the most of that. But when you already have some things, you may not see the need to strive in the way someone who doesn't have as much might.

I think there is some truth in that. If your primary goal is to maximize earning potential, you can push them and keep them from distractions, and unless they snap they will end up capable of earning an income. But you can't raise a leader by treating them as a slave.

[Anonymous]

I am also Chinese-American and horrified by this essay. I feel terrible for these kids, whose childhoods are laid bare for their mother's own literary ambitions. Having been raised with parents with a similar philosophy (although not quite as extreme), now that I'm a mother, I think I will swing in the other direction. I just want my child to be happy, and if academic achievement is not in the cards so be it.

[Anonymous]

I'm more concerned about having my kids be more social and learn how to get along with others, make friends, and have a happy childhood. Of course I want them to do well at school, but I'm not going to make them feel bad if they don't do well.

Haven't you noticed that the people that get ahead in a working environment are not necessarily the smartest ones, but rather they are the ones with high EQ who are friendly and get along with others?

[Anonymous]

22:17 here. A close friend of mine was raised this way by Chinese parents. She was very successful academically, but she always had sad eyes. It's not right to parent that way.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP re EQ. I think those who do really well are those with both a high IQ and EQ. One without the other can spell disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that the author is married to someone from a different race. I would think the whole superiority complex would involve marrying another Chinese person.

Some Asians think the Caucasians are more superior. I know this certainly is true with the Japanese.

[Anonymous]

Second 22:07. I am a native Chinese, and I just want my kid to grow up happily by not pushing too hard.

[Anonymous]

Chinese American here, with parents VERY MUCH like the mom in the article. My mom ruled with an iron fist; demanded perfection; denigrated me and made me feel completely worthless because I was never good enough, never measured up. I have brothers who are almost a decade older than I and, though I was not born in the US, but came early enough (when I was a toddler) that I became more or less westernized and have a lot of bitterness and resentment towards my parents for my childhood.

I could go on for pages, but what I'll say is: my entire family has graduate degrees, we all made six figures right upon graduation, we all have serious relationship/social issues (to varying degrees), and we all have guarded relationships with my parents. My oldest brother (the least westernized, if you will) has the best relationship; I have the worst.

I stopped talking to my mom for years and she did not meet my son, her only grandchild, until he was almost 1 years old. I am on anti anxiety medication due to a combination of obsessive compulsiveness and concern over not ever being good enough. My husband is "western" and grew up in a "western" family and he is the perfect antidote to me. He is better than me in every way (at least every way that a Chinese mother would care about! ie, grades, degrees, etc...) and he had summer vacations! played! didn't spend his life toiling away in extra math classes or being forced to play instruments he has no interest in. But he loves his parents and respects them deeply for being loving, generous parents. I think my parents lose at the end of the day.

As a mother myself now, I aim to raise happy, well adjusted children. I will love my child whether he cures cancer or collects garbage for a living and I will encourage my child to play whatever instrument he wants or doesn't want. I said as much to my mother the last time I visited and after she volunteered to sign my 16 month old up kiddo math classes when he turns two (TWO!). And you know what? She begrudgingly agreed that my approach was better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Mom sounds like a real peach. I hope my kids go int psychiatry/psychology, there is clearly a fortune to be made there helping all of those kids.

Yup, you said it sister. Reading PP's posts confirms that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that the author is married to someone from a different race. I would think the whole superiority complex would involve marrying another Chinese person.

Marrying a Western man is considered marrying up ...

[Anonymous]

By most measures, the author has done very well professionally (see http://www.law.yale.edu/faculty/chuacurriculumvitae.htm ). So maybe she is just applying what she thought brought her success to parenting her daughters...

[Anonymous]

looks like she's sluffed off a bit since getting tenure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By most measures, the author has done very well professionally (see http://www.law.yale.edu/faculty/chuacurriculumvitae.htm ). So maybe she is just applying what she thought brought her success to parenting her daughters...

Hmmm... I know a guy who was brought up in a very strict household and became very successful. He says he will bring his children up the same way. He has already decided on a particular college and major for his kids.

[Anonymous]

By most measures, the author has done very well professionally (see http://www.law.yale.edu/faculty/chuacurriculumvitae.htm ). So maybe she is just applying what she thought brought her success to parenting her daughters...

She also still lists on her CV that she was first in her HS class. Time to move on, sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So maybe she is just applying what she thought brought her success to parenting her daughters...

I am not Asian, but my kids tell my I try to be too much of an "Asian mother." I am the OP whose kids wouldn't apply to TJ, and my kids were saying this long before this essay appeared.

The reason I stress music and learning in my home is because those are the things that (aside from my children themselves) have brought me the most joy in life. Not just professional success (although that did come with academic success), but real joy. I am so glad I have the ability to appreciate great books and art, to read history, to be curious about the world around me, and to be deeply moved by Beethoven, or Mahler, or Chopin. I feel sorry for people who don't have these things in their lives. I also have been privileged to work with extremely intelligent, talented, and interesting people. I would have been miserable if that were not the case, and I would not have had that opportunity without a ton of hard work.

Now that my kids are teenagers, I realize that they have to choose for themselves. I didn't have parents who pushed me; I pushed myself. But I struggle with letting go of my own kids, because I fear they will make short-sighted choices now and be unhappy later.