S/O Why can’t moms just chill and be nice?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

My posts in this thread have been three:

1: NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting
2: Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.
3: I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange
4: I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

The second one is a little snarky, but considering the hectoring tone of what I'm responding to, I think it was justified. None of them, however, come close to "you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem."

Now, your post is an interesting one. To start, you accuse me of saying things I didn't say. You then imply that maybe my mental state is why I'm saying these things (that I didn't say). Finally, you conclude by telling me that people are treating me in the way I deserve for saying those awful things (that I didn't say). From where I sit, that looks like gaslighting and victim blaming.

[Anonymous]

A lot of moms are chill but some are so un-chill that they can overtake friend groups or school communities. And no it's not just a mom thing or a woman thing, there are Main Characters everywhere, but if you are a woman with young kids then you usually spend a disproportionate amount of time with "other moms" so that's the group you are going to focus on and their behavior is going to impact your life more.

This past school year I wound up in a school community with a mom whose behavior was so far away from chill that it wound up impacting me, my kid, multiple other kids in the grade, their parents, several teachers, school administration, counselors, etc. She's just one person and yet she wreaked so much havoc. That's why this is a problem. Because it only takes one.

Though, actually, it's not just one. A big part of the problem is that these "big personalities" often bully, manipulate, and cajole others into supporting and enabling them. The administration at our school gave this mom accommodations that are explicitly against school policy simply because she badgered them until they gave in. I saw teachers take out their frustration with this mom on other parents because they were afraid of her and they were easier targets. I saw this mom spread unkind rumors about A CHILD in order to get her way on something, and other parents who knew what she is like passed those rumors on even though they should have known better. There were actually a lot of moments during the course of the year where, if someone had simply held a firm line with this woman, she would have been forced to back off. Instead people gave in (often because she is an expert at "incentivizing" people via threats, both direct and implied) and every time this work, it empowered her.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

My posts in this thread have been three:

1: NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting
2: Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.
3: I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange
4: I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

The second one is a little snarky, but considering the hectoring tone of what I'm responding to, I think it was justified. None of them, however, come close to "you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem."

Now, your post is an interesting one. To start, you accuse me of saying things I didn't say. You then imply that maybe my mental state is why I'm saying these things (that I didn't say). Finally, you conclude by telling me that people are treating me in the way I deserve for saying those awful things (that I didn't say). From where I sit, that looks like gaslighting and victim blaming.

So you didn't enter this thread until the last few pages but chose to go right in on "Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself."? Interesting choice. This comment, by the way, is more than a little snarky. It's intentionally inflammatory.

I think you are either lying about these being your only posts in the thread (the tone of your posts matches that of other posts earlier in the thread, which is why people are assuming you wrote them), or you didn't actually read the earlier part of the thread, wandered into the middle of a discussion throwing stones, and instead of realizing your error and going back to read other responses and better understand the discussion, decided to get defensive and mean.

If you had read the thread, you'd know that literally no one has suggested that anyone lives in a community "full of bullies." In fact over and over again people have noted that most other moms are perfectly nice and this problem tends to be caused by a few people when it happens. And no one here is "uneducated" on the subject, since the subject is their personal experience.

But you actually know all this. I think you are engaging in a classic bullying technique now (DARVO, look it up) and I will not be engaging with you anymore. Enjoy your amazing bully-free existence, it must be great if this is what you are doing with your Wednesday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

My posts in this thread have been three:

1: NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting
2: Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.
3: I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange
4: I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

The second one is a little snarky, but considering the hectoring tone of what I'm responding to, I think it was justified. None of them, however, come close to "you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem."

Now, your post is an interesting one. To start, you accuse me of saying things I didn't say. You then imply that maybe my mental state is why I'm saying these things (that I didn't say). Finally, you conclude by telling me that people are treating me in the way I deserve for saying those awful things (that I didn't say). From where I sit, that looks like gaslighting and victim blaming.

So you didn't enter this thread until the last few pages but chose to go right in on "Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself."? Interesting choice. This comment, by the way, is more than a little snarky. It's intentionally inflammatory.

I think you are either lying about these being your only posts in the thread (the tone of your posts matches that of other posts earlier in the thread, which is why people are assuming you wrote them), or you didn't actually read the earlier part of the thread, wandered into the middle of a discussion throwing stones, and instead of realizing your error and going back to read other responses and better understand the discussion, decided to get defensive and mean.

If you had read the thread, you'd know that literally no one has suggested that anyone lives in a community "full of bullies." In fact over and over again people have noted that most other moms are perfectly nice and this problem tends to be caused by a few people when it happens. And no one here is "uneducated" on the subject, since the subject is their personal experience.

But you actually know all this. I think you are engaging in a classic bullying technique now (DARVO, look it up) and I will not be engaging with you anymore. Enjoy your amazing bully-free existence, it must be great if this is what you are doing with your Wednesday morning.

NP. And half the comments say or imply that women are terrible and this dynamic happens in many/most/all female friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

My posts in this thread have been three:

1: NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting
2: Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.
3: I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange
4: I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

The second one is a little snarky, but considering the hectoring tone of what I'm responding to, I think it was justified. None of them, however, come close to "you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem."

Now, your post is an interesting one. To start, you accuse me of saying things I didn't say. You then imply that maybe my mental state is why I'm saying these things (that I didn't say). Finally, you conclude by telling me that people are treating me in the way I deserve for saying those awful things (that I didn't say). From where I sit, that looks like gaslighting and victim blaming.

So you didn't enter this thread until the last few pages but chose to go right in on "Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself."? Interesting choice. This comment, by the way, is more than a little snarky. It's intentionally inflammatory.

I think you are either lying about these being your only posts in the thread (the tone of your posts matches that of other posts earlier in the thread, which is why people are assuming you wrote them), or you didn't actually read the earlier part of the thread, wandered into the middle of a discussion throwing stones, and instead of realizing your error and going back to read other responses and better understand the discussion, decided to get defensive and mean.

If you had read the thread, you'd know that literally no one has suggested that anyone lives in a community "full of bullies." In fact over and over again people have noted that most other moms are perfectly nice and this problem tends to be caused by a few people when it happens. And no one here is "uneducated" on the subject, since the subject is their personal experience.

But you actually know all this. I think you are engaging in a classic bullying technique now (DARVO, look it up) and I will not be engaging with you anymore. Enjoy your amazing bully-free existence, it must be great if this is what you are doing with your Wednesday morning.

NP. And half the comments say or imply that women are terrible and this dynamic happens in many/most/all female friendships.

Which comments? I have seen, at most, one or two like that. I see far more comments saying bullying among adult women never happens, rarely happens, or is likely the fault of the victim.

[Anonymous]

Not sure but it’s why I avoid my kid’s school and trying to meet other moms. I focus on my career and marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

My posts in this thread have been three:

1: NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting
2: Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.
3: I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange
4: I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

The second one is a little snarky, but considering the hectoring tone of what I'm responding to, I think it was justified. None of them, however, come close to "you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem."

Now, your post is an interesting one. To start, you accuse me of saying things I didn't say. You then imply that maybe my mental state is why I'm saying these things (that I didn't say). Finally, you conclude by telling me that people are treating me in the way I deserve for saying those awful things (that I didn't say). From where I sit, that looks like gaslighting and victim blaming.

So you didn't enter this thread until the last few pages but chose to go right in on "Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself."? Interesting choice. This comment, by the way, is more than a little snarky. It's intentionally inflammatory.

I think you are either lying about these being your only posts in the thread (the tone of your posts matches that of other posts earlier in the thread, which is why people are assuming you wrote them), or you didn't actually read the earlier part of the thread, wandered into the middle of a discussion throwing stones, and instead of realizing your error and going back to read other responses and better understand the discussion, decided to get defensive and mean.

If you had read the thread, you'd know that literally no one has suggested that anyone lives in a community "full of bullies." In fact over and over again people have noted that most other moms are perfectly nice and this problem tends to be caused by a few people when it happens. And no one here is "uneducated" on the subject, since the subject is their personal experience.

But you actually know all this. I think you are engaging in a classic bullying technique now (DARVO, look it up) and I will not be engaging with you anymore. Enjoy your amazing bully-free existence, it must be great if this is what you are doing with your Wednesday morning.

NP. And half the comments say or imply that women are terrible and this dynamic happens in many/most/all female friendships.

Which comments? I have seen, at most, one or two like that. I see far more comments saying bullying among adult women never happens, rarely happens, or is likely the fault of the victim.

From the original post: "Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question."

6/15, 16:34: "I also think it's obvious she's not talking about individual women being chill or nice, but about the dynamics between women. She's asking why, when women are in groups together, is it hard for them to just be accepting and tolerant of each other without judgment and competition."

6/15, 16:59: "Because women truly suck. This site is proof."

6/15, 20:46: "I want to note that OP didn't ask why moms can't just BE chill. She said "why can't moms just chill." So she's not referring to personality, but behavior. She's asking why moms can't just leave each other alone, instead of gossiping, criticizing, or judging one another."

6/16, 00:49: "Because in truth, women tend to be very catty ➕ emotional.
They are also very competitive and tend to hold a grudge.

Women = drama.
Period.

Signed,
A Woman 👩🏻"

6/16, 18:52: There's an embedded quote here that's necessary for context, but the entirety of this comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

My posts in this thread have been three:

1: NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting
2: Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.
3: I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange
4: I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

The second one is a little snarky, but considering the hectoring tone of what I'm responding to, I think it was justified. None of them, however, come close to "you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem."

Now, your post is an interesting one. To start, you accuse me of saying things I didn't say. You then imply that maybe my mental state is why I'm saying these things (that I didn't say). Finally, you conclude by telling me that people are treating me in the way I deserve for saying those awful things (that I didn't say). From where I sit, that looks like gaslighting and victim blaming.

So you didn't enter this thread until the last few pages but chose to go right in on "Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself."? Interesting choice. This comment, by the way, is more than a little snarky. It's intentionally inflammatory.

I think you are either lying about these being your only posts in the thread (the tone of your posts matches that of other posts earlier in the thread, which is why people are assuming you wrote them), or you didn't actually read the earlier part of the thread, wandered into the middle of a discussion throwing stones, and instead of realizing your error and going back to read other responses and better understand the discussion, decided to get defensive and mean.

If you had read the thread, you'd know that literally no one has suggested that anyone lives in a community "full of bullies." In fact over and over again people have noted that most other moms are perfectly nice and this problem tends to be caused by a few people when it happens. And no one here is "uneducated" on the subject, since the subject is their personal experience.

But you actually know all this. I think you are engaging in a classic bullying technique now (DARVO, look it up) and I will not be engaging with you anymore. Enjoy your amazing bully-free existence, it must be great if this is what you are doing with your Wednesday morning.

NP. And half the comments say or imply that women are terrible and this dynamic happens in many/most/all female friendships.

Which comments? I have seen, at most, one or two like that. I see far more comments saying bullying among adult women never happens, rarely happens, or is likely the fault of the victim.

From the original post: "Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question."

6/15, 16:34: "I also think it's obvious she's not talking about individual women being chill or nice, but about the dynamics between women. She's asking why, when women are in groups together, is it hard for them to just be accepting and tolerant of each other without judgment and competition."

6/15, 16:59: "Because women truly suck. This site is proof."

6/15, 20:46: "I want to note that OP didn't ask why moms can't just BE chill. She said "why can't moms just chill." So she's not referring to personality, but behavior. She's asking why moms can't just leave each other alone, instead of gossiping, criticizing, or judging one another."

6/16, 00:49: "Because in truth, women tend to be very catty ➕ emotional.
They are also very competitive and tend to hold a grudge.

Women = drama.
Period.

Signed,
A Woman 👩🏻"

6/16, 18:52: There's an embedded quote here that's necessary for context, but the entirety of this comment

Four comments in a 10-11 page thread is not "half." And only two of those are really generalizing about all women. The one saying "women suck" is obviously not to be taken seriously at all, I just scrolled right past that. And the one about how women tend to be catty, emotional, and competitive is trafficking in tropes and way too broad.

The others don't indicate that they are talking about all women, or what women are like. You can interpret them as saying "all women are like this" but I would not read them that way. One poster even went out of her way to say she's talking about behavior (which is by nature changeable) not personality -- in other words, these aren't intrinsic qualities but something women sometimes do but don't have to do.

If this is all you have, the argument that this 100+ comment thread is predominantly women bashing is really thin. It seems you are putting up a straw man in order to avoid discussing an experience many women DO have in relationships with other women. I don't see the point. This is very obviously a problem multiple posters have encountered and there is an interest in commiserating and empathizing with other women about this shared challenge. Yet you are determined to shut that conversation down and declare that all these posters are simply wrong about their own experience, because apparently it's sexist to talk about negative things that some women sometimes do that can harm other women? Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is nice. They just aren't.

If you have a pattern of being the victim of bullies, it might make sense to look into why. You might need to improve your social skills.

They are nice, they are not kind. Learn the difference.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

My posts in this thread have been three:

1: NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting
2: Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.
3: I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange
4: I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

The second one is a little snarky, but considering the hectoring tone of what I'm responding to, I think it was justified. None of them, however, come close to "you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem."

Now, your post is an interesting one. To start, you accuse me of saying things I didn't say. You then imply that maybe my mental state is why I'm saying these things (that I didn't say). Finally, you conclude by telling me that people are treating me in the way I deserve for saying those awful things (that I didn't say). From where I sit, that looks like gaslighting and victim blaming.

This is all BS because I have never had someone respond to me this way in a thread. The problem is clearly you being extremely defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can choose not to involve yourself OP, really. I physically do not get involved in this stuff. I sit in the car during pick up and read a book. I don’t hang around the playground edges to gossip. You might say I am excluding myself, but moms still tend to find me over time (through volunteering together or our kids being friendly or whatever). I am friends or at least friendly with those people. Everyone else gets a generic smile and hello, and I will chat with other moms who chat me up in passing. That’s it.

This is the way. I made an effort to avoid the playground drama as much as possible. Being a working mum helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can choose not to involve yourself OP, really. I physically do not get involved in this stuff. I sit in the car during pick up and read a book. I don’t hang around the playground edges to gossip. You might say I am excluding myself, but moms still tend to find me over time (through volunteering together or our kids being friendly or whatever). I am friends or at least friendly with those people. Everyone else gets a generic smile and hello, and I will chat with other moms who chat me up in passing. That’s it.

This is the way. I made an effort to avoid the playground drama as much as possible. Being a working mum helped.

+1. I work to avoid these moms. I personally think they are bored and insecure. The successful senior women I work with don’t act like this. Slightly overweight Nancy wearing capri pants who lives for the PTA and soccer is a complete snob.

[Anonymous]

Probably because people post clearly made up stuff. Like the poster on the other thread who claimed "The whole "men is women's bathroom" became a thing with MAGA. Get so real."

It's hard not to get irritated by such people. Who somehow genuinely believe we had no problems with men in women's bathrooms before "MAGA" came along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 46 and have literally never met anyone like this, OP. I've lived in Europe and the US, and attended grade schools and universities in multiple countries. I know some comments can be interpreted in many different ways, and I always choose to take what people say ina. constructive manner.

If this keeps happening to you... consider you might be part of the problem, as in: you always gravitate towards the same toxic personalities, or you interpret innocuous comments in negative ways, or you actively do things to warrant criticism. Probably mostly #2, wouldn't you say?




Most people are kind and tolerant. Some of high-strung but well-meaning and definitely not looking to bully anyone. I'm willing to believe a few are bullies... but I haven't met anyone who goes out of their way to be mean.

OMG stop blaming the OP. This is not Europe. I lived in Europe and the Middle East for ten years and found camaraderie among the school parents — but here, at least in the Northern VA area, school moms can be toxic. Like a PP mentioned, I keep to myself and only get involved in the periphery. As I get to know people, I am able to better-identify the non-toxic moms.