S/O Why can’t moms just chill and be nice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbors and friends are lovely. But we aren't McMansion country-club social-status strivers.

Oh come on, I see this toxic nonsense in Burke. Don’t act like this is limited to Arlington and McLean.

Sometimes/often, the rich people have better manners than the middle class … I say this as a thoroughly middle class person. There is cliquey weirdness everywhere. People get offended if your kid is better than theirs on the swim team, dance classes, if they’re in AAP or whatever. But they also get offended and think you’re weird/unusual if you don’t do swim team, Girl Scouts, or whatever sport/activity at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbors and friends are lovely. But we aren't McMansion country-club social-status strivers.

Oh come on, I see this toxic nonsense in Burke. Don’t act like this is limited to Arlington and McLean.

Sometimes/often, the rich people have better manners than the middle class … I say this as a thoroughly middle class person. There is cliquey weirdness everywhere. People get offended if your kid is better than theirs on the swim team, dance classes, if they’re in AAP or whatever. But they also get offended and think you’re weird/unusual if you don’t do swim team, Girl Scouts, or whatever sport/activity at all.

IMHO the truly wealthy dgaf and have more fun. Middle and UMC is where you find the insufferable mean girl behavior. There are fewer resources and more competition. Also the women don’t have the resources to have their own life outside of kids except work so they live vicariously through their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbors and friends are lovely. But we aren't McMansion country-club social-status strivers.

Oh come on, I see this toxic nonsense in Burke. Don’t act like this is limited to Arlington and McLean.

Sometimes/often, the rich people have better manners than the middle class … I say this as a thoroughly middle class person. There is cliquey weirdness everywhere. People get offended if your kid is better than theirs on the swim team, dance classes, if they’re in AAP or whatever. But they also get offended and think you’re weird/unusual if you don’t do swim team, Girl Scouts, or whatever sport/activity at all.

IMHO the truly wealthy dgaf and have more fun. Middle and UMC is where you find the insufferable mean girl behavior. There are fewer resources and more competition. Also the women don’t have the resources to have their own life outside of kids except work so they live vicariously through their children.

As a truly wealthy person, I concur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbors and friends are lovely. But we aren't McMansion country-club social-status strivers.

Oh come on, I see this toxic nonsense in Burke. Don’t act like this is limited to Arlington and McLean.

Sometimes/often, the rich people have better manners than the middle class … I say this as a thoroughly middle class person. There is cliquey weirdness everywhere. People get offended if your kid is better than theirs on the swim team, dance classes, if they’re in AAP or whatever. But they also get offended and think you’re weird/unusual if you don’t do swim team, Girl Scouts, or whatever sport/activity at all.

A lot of truth here. Status anxiety can make people very conformist, because they want reassurance they aren't falling behind. I also think people are scared to associate with someone who might have lowered status (based on income, education, job, family background) which makes them much more judgmental and likely to exclude.

Whereas when you are comfortable in your stays and resources, none of this matters. You don't sit around worrying you'll fall behind or get pulled down by associating with people further down the food chain.

That's why they call it "eff you money." Because you can afford not to care what anyone thinks of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an empty nester and years and years of these games made me give up on friendships. It was very hard. At one point I thought I had a good group but it turned out to be pretty awful. The last good friendships I had were all pre motherhood.

Same. Let’s be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m always dubious when an adult claims they’ve been bullied by another adult. I’m sure it happens on rare occasions, but I tend to think the person claiming to have been bullied is just upset they haven’t been made to feel welcome by a social group.
The meaning of the word bully has been totally watered down as well as become shorthand for “not included”.

This. Though mom’s icing moms out is a real thing and feels terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are catty. They are competitive with each other. If you are pretty or better in some way, they feel bad about themselves, and get aggressive.

This

[Anonymous]

I think you are insecure OP and the other women can smell it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

In my experience, most women are nice to each other.

I think your childhood left scars. Try therapy, to help you perceive people with an open heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m always dubious when an adult claims they’ve been bullied by another adult. I’m sure it happens on rare occasions, but I tend to think the person claiming to have been bullied is just upset they haven’t been made to feel welcome by a social group.
The meaning of the word bully has been totally watered down as well as become shorthand for “not included”.

This. Though mom’s icing moms out is a real thing and feels terrible.

There’s a big difference though between “not invited to everything” and “iced out” and people have varying levels of sensitivity about it. It’s normal imo to bop in and out of groups that are tighter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can people give examples? What could these moms even be doing? I mean even if someone is a PTA tyrant for some reason, what are we talking about - the theme of the spring dance?

I haven’t experienced moms being mean at all, everyone seems nice or at worst, busy and disinterested. But I don’t understand what a mom could even do to me if she wanted to be mean.

In my experience, it's mostly gossip. People talk too much about other people, are not discreet about it, and also tend to be more judgmental of other women than I think is really necessary (lots of judgement about how other women parent, their spouses, their work situation, etc.).

I learned early on to be a little circumspect around other parents at my kids' daycare and school. That's not normally how I am, I'm usually an open book, but being a mom has taught me the value of discretion because there are just a lot of people who can't resist talking and passing judgment.

When little bits of gossip and judgment start making the rounds, it gets mean and can be really painful for the families concerned. Especially when the gossip concerns kids, marriages, or finances. This is why I make it a rule not to talk. I mean, I might discuss another family's situation with my husband, but I won't talk to other families about it. And I keep as much to myself about our own family as I can because I don't want to be the victim of one of these gossip cycles either.

That is a good example, for sure I wouldn’t want people talking about someone’s divorce in a mean way or anything like that. But while I’ve heard about stuff like that through other people, I’ve never heard it be judgmental I don’t think. And for unserious stuff like birthday parties, who cares? Aren’t we beyond being hurt by someone’s comment about the car you bought or idk what even they would be talking about? That you hired a hot nanny?

I just assume people might gossip and be mean but if they don’t say it to my face, I don’t sweat it. At worst, you kind of write someone off right?

That's fine but you might feel differently if moms around you were saying unkind things about your kids, your parenting, your spouse, etc. You think "oh I'm past being offended by that" but it's very, very easy to say that if you haven't experienced being the subject of unkind gossip. Not a one off comment about something that doesn't matter to you, but persistent gossip about something you care about, like that your kid has problems or your spouse is a loser. You think it can't touch you but it can. Everyone has their vulnerabilities.

I hear you, and I’m sure that would be hurtful, but here’s my thing about this - it’s far worse to call someone’s husband a loser than to have a loser husband, and everybody knows it. If someone goes around making genuinely unkind remarks, that person is going to get dropped by everyone, quickly.

There’s a difference between someone who repeats a factual story they know they probably shouldn’t, like that Suzie’s husband got sloshed and fell into the pool on Thursday, and someone who says “Suzie’s husband is a loser.”

Sometimes the former happens in a friend group more than it should and probably no one would do it on camera, but I wouldn’t say it’s “mean.”

This thread is reminding me though that I need to watch my tongue. Because I do sometimes repeat or pass on things that are gossipy. Not bad things, just funny or weird things. I sort of see it like, we’re all stuck on this island together. I can’t think of anyone I’ve gossiped about that I dislike or even “judge.” I wouldn’t repeat the story about the husband falling in the pool the same way if I thought he might be an alcoholic. But still, I should watch it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can people give examples? What could these moms even be doing? I mean even if someone is a PTA tyrant for some reason, what are we talking about - the theme of the spring dance?

I haven’t experienced moms being mean at all, everyone seems nice or at worst, busy and disinterested. But I don’t understand what a mom could even do to me if she wanted to be mean.

In my experience, it's mostly gossip. People talk too much about other people, are not discreet about it, and also tend to be more judgmental of other women than I think is really necessary (lots of judgement about how other women parent, their spouses, their work situation, etc.).

I learned early on to be a little circumspect around other parents at my kids' daycare and school. That's not normally how I am, I'm usually an open book, but being a mom has taught me the value of discretion because there are just a lot of people who can't resist talking and passing judgment.

When little bits of gossip and judgment start making the rounds, it gets mean and can be really painful for the families concerned. Especially when the gossip concerns kids, marriages, or finances. This is why I make it a rule not to talk. I mean, I might discuss another family's situation with my husband, but I won't talk to other families about it. And I keep as much to myself about our own family as I can because I don't want to be the victim of one of these gossip cycles either.

That is a good example, for sure I wouldn’t want people talking about someone’s divorce in a mean way or anything like that. But while I’ve heard about stuff like that through other people, I’ve never heard it be judgmental I don’t think. And for unserious stuff like birthday parties, who cares? Aren’t we beyond being hurt by someone’s comment about the car you bought or idk what even they would be talking about? That you hired a hot nanny?

I just assume people might gossip and be mean but if they don’t say it to my face, I don’t sweat it. At worst, you kind of write someone off right?

That's fine but you might feel differently if moms around you were saying unkind things about your kids, your parenting, your spouse, etc. You think "oh I'm past being offended by that" but it's very, very easy to say that if you haven't experienced being the subject of unkind gossip. Not a one off comment about something that doesn't matter to you, but persistent gossip about something you care about, like that your kid has problems or your spouse is a loser. You think it can't touch you but it can. Everyone has their vulnerabilities.

I hear you, and I’m sure that would be hurtful, but here’s my thing about this - it’s far worse to call someone’s husband a loser than to have a loser husband, and everybody knows it. If someone goes around making genuinely unkind remarks, that person is going to get dropped by everyone, quickly.

There’s a difference between someone who repeats a factual story they know they probably shouldn’t, like that Suzie’s husband got sloshed and fell into the pool on Thursday, and someone who says “Suzie’s husband is a loser.”

Sometimes the former happens in a friend group more than it should and probably no one would do it on camera, but I wouldn’t say it’s “mean.”

This thread is reminding me though that I need to watch my tongue. Because I do sometimes repeat or pass on things that are gossipy. Not bad things, just funny or weird things. I sort of see it like, we’re all stuck on this island together. I can’t think of anyone I’ve gossiped about that I dislike or even “judge.” I wouldn’t repeat the story about the husband falling in the pool the same way if I thought he might be an alcoholic. But still, I should watch it.

Nope, because people don't say "Wow Julie's husband is a loser and her kid is messed up." What they do instead is concern troll. "I just feel so bad for Julie, the poor thing. I know she must see something in Rich but it's crazy how long he's been out if work. That must be so hard, I can't imagine. We're so lucky, Tom just got promoted last year. I'm so glad I picked a good one. And then on top of it, their son Will... I mean, I don't know for certain of course but some of his behavior just makes me think he might need some extra help, you know? Anyway I just feel so bad for her, it must be so hard, no wonder she's been struggling with her weight." But then never actually do anything to help her or even have a particularly close friendship with her, she's just a sad sack they keep around to make themselves feel good about themselves.

Then if Julie's fortunes change, are they happy? No. That's not what the want. Then it will be "Julie's changed since she lost all that weight. Ozempic. And I mean it's good Rich is doing well now but the way they talk about it -- have some humility. I worry about Will, too, you can tell he's not getting enough attention from either of them. Sometimes you need to focus on your kids, you know."

All in hushed tones like "I shouldn't be saying this, don't judge me, I'm just worried about her!"

And other people like to gossip and feel superior too, so they'll participate even if they don't instigate.

Happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can people give examples? What could these moms even be doing? I mean even if someone is a PTA tyrant for some reason, what are we talking about - the theme of the spring dance?

I haven’t experienced moms being mean at all, everyone seems nice or at worst, busy and disinterested. But I don’t understand what a mom could even do to me if she wanted to be mean.

In my experience, it's mostly gossip. People talk too much about other people, are not discreet about it, and also tend to be more judgmental of other women than I think is really necessary (lots of judgement about how other women parent, their spouses, their work situation, etc.).

I learned early on to be a little circumspect around other parents at my kids' daycare and school. That's not normally how I am, I'm usually an open book, but being a mom has taught me the value of discretion because there are just a lot of people who can't resist talking and passing judgment.

When little bits of gossip and judgment start making the rounds, it gets mean and can be really painful for the families concerned. Especially when the gossip concerns kids, marriages, or finances. This is why I make it a rule not to talk. I mean, I might discuss another family's situation with my husband, but I won't talk to other families about it. And I keep as much to myself about our own family as I can because I don't want to be the victim of one of these gossip cycles either.

That is a good example, for sure I wouldn’t want people talking about someone’s divorce in a mean way or anything like that. But while I’ve heard about stuff like that through other people, I’ve never heard it be judgmental I don’t think. And for unserious stuff like birthday parties, who cares? Aren’t we beyond being hurt by someone’s comment about the car you bought or idk what even they would be talking about? That you hired a hot nanny?

I just assume people might gossip and be mean but if they don’t say it to my face, I don’t sweat it. At worst, you kind of write someone off right?

That's fine but you might feel differently if moms around you were saying unkind things about your kids, your parenting, your spouse, etc. You think "oh I'm past being offended by that" but it's very, very easy to say that if you haven't experienced being the subject of unkind gossip. Not a one off comment about something that doesn't matter to you, but persistent gossip about something you care about, like that your kid has problems or your spouse is a loser. You think it can't touch you but it can. Everyone has their vulnerabilities.

I hear you, and I’m sure that would be hurtful, but here’s my thing about this - it’s far worse to call someone’s husband a loser than to have a loser husband, and everybody knows it. If someone goes around making genuinely unkind remarks, that person is going to get dropped by everyone, quickly.

There’s a difference between someone who repeats a factual story they know they probably shouldn’t, like that Suzie’s husband got sloshed and fell into the pool on Thursday, and someone who says “Suzie’s husband is a loser.”

Sometimes the former happens in a friend group more than it should and probably no one would do it on camera, but I wouldn’t say it’s “mean.”

This thread is reminding me though that I need to watch my tongue. Because I do sometimes repeat or pass on things that are gossipy. Not bad things, just funny or weird things. I sort of see it like, we’re all stuck on this island together. I can’t think of anyone I’ve gossiped about that I dislike or even “judge.” I wouldn’t repeat the story about the husband falling in the pool the same way if I thought he might be an alcoholic. But still, I should watch it.

Nope, because people don't say "Wow Julie's husband is a loser and her kid is messed up." What they do instead is concern troll. "I just feel so bad for Julie, the poor thing. I know she must see something in Rich but it's crazy how long he's been out if work. That must be so hard, I can't imagine. We're so lucky, Tom just got promoted last year. I'm so glad I picked a good one. And then on top of it, their son Will... I mean, I don't know for certain of course but some of his behavior just makes me think he might need some extra help, you know? Anyway I just feel so bad for her, it must be so hard, no wonder she's been struggling with her weight." But then never actually do anything to help her or even have a particularly close friendship with her, she's just a sad sack they keep around to make themselves feel good about themselves.

Then if Julie's fortunes change, are they happy? No. That's not what the want. Then it will be "Julie's changed since she lost all that weight. Ozempic. And I mean it's good Rich is doing well now but the way they talk about it -- have some humility. I worry about Will, too, you can tell he's not getting enough attention from either of them. Sometimes you need to focus on your kids, you know."

All in hushed tones like "I shouldn't be saying this, don't judge me, I'm just worried about her!"

And other people like to gossip and feel superior too, so they'll participate even if they don't instigate.

Happens all the time.

I don’t think people really talk like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can people give examples? What could these moms even be doing? I mean even if someone is a PTA tyrant for some reason, what are we talking about - the theme of the spring dance?

I haven’t experienced moms being mean at all, everyone seems nice or at worst, busy and disinterested. But I don’t understand what a mom could even do to me if she wanted to be mean.

In my experience, it's mostly gossip. People talk too much about other people, are not discreet about it, and also tend to be more judgmental of other women than I think is really necessary (lots of judgement about how other women parent, their spouses, their work situation, etc.).

I learned early on to be a little circumspect around other parents at my kids' daycare and school. That's not normally how I am, I'm usually an open book, but being a mom has taught me the value of discretion because there are just a lot of people who can't resist talking and passing judgment.

When little bits of gossip and judgment start making the rounds, it gets mean and can be really painful for the families concerned. Especially when the gossip concerns kids, marriages, or finances. This is why I make it a rule not to talk. I mean, I might discuss another family's situation with my husband, but I won't talk to other families about it. And I keep as much to myself about our own family as I can because I don't want to be the victim of one of these gossip cycles either.

That is a good example, for sure I wouldn’t want people talking about someone’s divorce in a mean way or anything like that. But while I’ve heard about stuff like that through other people, I’ve never heard it be judgmental I don’t think. And for unserious stuff like birthday parties, who cares? Aren’t we beyond being hurt by someone’s comment about the car you bought or idk what even they would be talking about? That you hired a hot nanny?

I just assume people might gossip and be mean but if they don’t say it to my face, I don’t sweat it. At worst, you kind of write someone off right?

That's fine but you might feel differently if moms around you were saying unkind things about your kids, your parenting, your spouse, etc. You think "oh I'm past being offended by that" but it's very, very easy to say that if you haven't experienced being the subject of unkind gossip. Not a one off comment about something that doesn't matter to you, but persistent gossip about something you care about, like that your kid has problems or your spouse is a loser. You think it can't touch you but it can. Everyone has their vulnerabilities.

I hear you, and I’m sure that would be hurtful, but here’s my thing about this - it’s far worse to call someone’s husband a loser than to have a loser husband, and everybody knows it. If someone goes around making genuinely unkind remarks, that person is going to get dropped by everyone, quickly.

There’s a difference between someone who repeats a factual story they know they probably shouldn’t, like that Suzie’s husband got sloshed and fell into the pool on Thursday, and someone who says “Suzie’s husband is a loser.”

Sometimes the former happens in a friend group more than it should and probably no one would do it on camera, but I wouldn’t say it’s “mean.”

This thread is reminding me though that I need to watch my tongue. Because I do sometimes repeat or pass on things that are gossipy. Not bad things, just funny or weird things. I sort of see it like, we’re all stuck on this island together. I can’t think of anyone I’ve gossiped about that I dislike or even “judge.” I wouldn’t repeat the story about the husband falling in the pool the same way if I thought he might be an alcoholic. But still, I should watch it.

Nope, because people don't say "Wow Julie's husband is a loser and her kid is messed up." What they do instead is concern troll. "I just feel so bad for Julie, the poor thing. I know she must see something in Rich but it's crazy how long he's been out if work. That must be so hard, I can't imagine. We're so lucky, Tom just got promoted last year. I'm so glad I picked a good one. And then on top of it, their son Will... I mean, I don't know for certain of course but some of his behavior just makes me think he might need some extra help, you know? Anyway I just feel so bad for her, it must be so hard, no wonder she's been struggling with her weight." But then never actually do anything to help her or even have a particularly close friendship with her, she's just a sad sack they keep around to make themselves feel good about themselves.

Then if Julie's fortunes change, are they happy? No. That's not what the want. Then it will be "Julie's changed since she lost all that weight. Ozempic. And I mean it's good Rich is doing well now but the way they talk about it -- have some humility. I worry about Will, too, you can tell he's not getting enough attention from either of them. Sometimes you need to focus on your kids, you know."

All in hushed tones like "I shouldn't be saying this, don't judge me, I'm just worried about her!"

And other people like to gossip and feel superior too, so they'll participate even if they don't instigate.

Happens all the time.

I don’t think people really talk like that.

I've heard people talk like that MANY times. The fake sympathy/pity thing to mask judgment and criticism is really common IME. Perhaps more common with older women (like over 50) but I've known younger women who act that way too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can people give examples? What could these moms even be doing? I mean even if someone is a PTA tyrant for some reason, what are we talking about - the theme of the spring dance?

I haven’t experienced moms being mean at all, everyone seems nice or at worst, busy and disinterested. But I don’t understand what a mom could even do to me if she wanted to be mean.

In my experience, it's mostly gossip. People talk too much about other people, are not discreet about it, and also tend to be more judgmental of other women than I think is really necessary (lots of judgement about how other women parent, their spouses, their work situation, etc.).

I learned early on to be a little circumspect around other parents at my kids' daycare and school. That's not normally how I am, I'm usually an open book, but being a mom has taught me the value of discretion because there are just a lot of people who can't resist talking and passing judgment.

When little bits of gossip and judgment start making the rounds, it gets mean and can be really painful for the families concerned. Especially when the gossip concerns kids, marriages, or finances. This is why I make it a rule not to talk. I mean, I might discuss another family's situation with my husband, but I won't talk to other families about it. And I keep as much to myself about our own family as I can because I don't want to be the victim of one of these gossip cycles either.

That is a good example, for sure I wouldn’t want people talking about someone’s divorce in a mean way or anything like that. But while I’ve heard about stuff like that through other people, I’ve never heard it be judgmental I don’t think. And for unserious stuff like birthday parties, who cares? Aren’t we beyond being hurt by someone’s comment about the car you bought or idk what even they would be talking about? That you hired a hot nanny?

I just assume people might gossip and be mean but if they don’t say it to my face, I don’t sweat it. At worst, you kind of write someone off right?

That's fine but you might feel differently if moms around you were saying unkind things about your kids, your parenting, your spouse, etc. You think "oh I'm past being offended by that" but it's very, very easy to say that if you haven't experienced being the subject of unkind gossip. Not a one off comment about something that doesn't matter to you, but persistent gossip about something you care about, like that your kid has problems or your spouse is a loser. You think it can't touch you but it can. Everyone has their vulnerabilities.

I hear you, and I’m sure that would be hurtful, but here’s my thing about this - it’s far worse to call someone’s husband a loser than to have a loser husband, and everybody knows it. If someone goes around making genuinely unkind remarks, that person is going to get dropped by everyone, quickly.

There’s a difference between someone who repeats a factual story they know they probably shouldn’t, like that Suzie’s husband got sloshed and fell into the pool on Thursday, and someone who says “Suzie’s husband is a loser.”

Sometimes the former happens in a friend group more than it should and probably no one would do it on camera, but I wouldn’t say it’s “mean.”

This thread is reminding me though that I need to watch my tongue. Because I do sometimes repeat or pass on things that are gossipy. Not bad things, just funny or weird things. I sort of see it like, we’re all stuck on this island together. I can’t think of anyone I’ve gossiped about that I dislike or even “judge.” I wouldn’t repeat the story about the husband falling in the pool the same way if I thought he might be an alcoholic. But still, I should watch it.

Nope, because people don't say "Wow Julie's husband is a loser and her kid is messed up." What they do instead is concern troll. "I just feel so bad for Julie, the poor thing. I know she must see something in Rich but it's crazy how long he's been out if work. That must be so hard, I can't imagine. We're so lucky, Tom just got promoted last year. I'm so glad I picked a good one. And then on top of it, their son Will... I mean, I don't know for certain of course but some of his behavior just makes me think he might need some extra help, you know? Anyway I just feel so bad for her, it must be so hard, no wonder she's been struggling with her weight." But then never actually do anything to help her or even have a particularly close friendship with her, she's just a sad sack they keep around to make themselves feel good about themselves.

Then if Julie's fortunes change, are they happy? No. That's not what the want. Then it will be "Julie's changed since she lost all that weight. Ozempic. And I mean it's good Rich is doing well now but the way they talk about it -- have some humility. I worry about Will, too, you can tell he's not getting enough attention from either of them. Sometimes you need to focus on your kids, you know."

All in hushed tones like "I shouldn't be saying this, don't judge me, I'm just worried about her!"

And other people like to gossip and feel superior too, so they'll participate even if they don't instigate.

Happens all the time.

I don’t think people really talk like that.

People talk like that on the website you are currently using all the time though.