S/O Why can’t moms just chill and be nice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I know that this can happen anywhere but this flavor seems to be particular to the DMV

[Anonymous]

It’s always “I think those women are insecure, shallow betches. Why don’t they want to hang out with me?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I'm truly not trying to be rude but I don't have a clue what you're on about.

Ignore these posters op. They always show up to gaslight. There are plenty of us who know exactly what you are talking about. Many of us watch the bullying go on. I keep my distance from the mean girl cliques but it hurts when it affects your kids. And it does.

NP. Having different experiences than you is not gaslighting.

Then the onus is on the person unfamiliar to read and learn. Haven't run into this? Feel free to read others experiences and educate yourself so that you can contribute in a more meaningful way.

Maybe you should read and learn about people who don't live in communities full of bullies then. Perhaps educate yourself.

You are damned and determined to blame the victims here. You need therapy. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a friend of yours.

I need therapy because my friends aren't bullies? Strange

Your experience doesn't negate anyone else's. Nothing changes or makes the existence of bullies less true.

I've never said it does. I only said that it was my experience and y'all jumped down my throat and said I was a bad friend who needed therapy. If you're worried about negating other people's experiences, you might want to look in the mirror.

People are responding to the way you are treating them. Have you not had that experience before?

IRL, if one of your friends came to you with a problem, and you responded "Wow I have no idea what you are talking about. I've never experienced it at all. In fact I think it must be really unusual -- you are probably the only person I know with this problem. I wonder if maybe you are actually causing the problem?" Would your friend... be excited? Thank you profusely for being such a good sounding board? Feel accepted and loved? Or would she give you a tight smile, pretend like she wasn't annoyed with you, and then go home and think about what a huge b you are? Do you even know?

People in this thread don't have to see you the next day at school drop of or the next mom's night out, so they are telling you what a real life friend might keep to herself in order to keep the peace. You are gaslighting, acting superior, minimizing other people's experiences, and victim blaming. I have no idea if you are a good or a bad friend or whether you need therapy, maybe you are different with your friends. Maybe you are just having a bad day here. But I can tell you that the responses to you on this thread have been a direct, and appropriate, result of your own behavior.

If you don't think this is an issue, you could have just skipped the thread, or left on page 3.

NP - And OP is universalizing her experiences, which is why PP is pointing out that each person only lives within their own social circle, and CANNOT make judgments on all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I know that this can happen anywhere but this flavor seems to be particular to the DMV

I don't think so. Clearly you have never met Southern Moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I know that this can happen anywhere but this flavor seems to be particular to the DMV

I don't think so. Clearly you have never met Southern Moms.

+100000. It’s everywhere.

It gets worse as women lose their looks and are unemployed.

Notice how friendly and inclusive a group of attractive 28 year old women are? Now compare that to some overweight middle aged moms in Vienna. Complete opposite.

[Anonymous]

OP do you have hobbies and a job? Both help. You have to remove yourself from the situation. In HS you couldn’t. Now you can. You don’t need to spend any time with these women. Focus on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note that OP didn't ask why moms can't just BE chill. She said "why can't moms just chill." So she's not referring to personality, but behavior. She's asking why moms can't just leave each other alone, instead of gossiping, criticizing, or judging one another.

And I just want to point out that this thread grew pretty fast and with a lot of contentious back and forth between, presumably, moms, with plenty of gossip, criticism and judgment, of each other and of other moms they know.

Can you imagine a similar thread for men, where a bunch of dads posted judging and criticizing each other? I think men as a group are kind of horrible but this is impossible for me to imagine. My husband would never be able to sustain actual interest in other dads to engage in something like this. He would give up and go watch a sporting event or play a video game or read a book. Sorry to throw out so many stereotypes about men but I'm describing my real husband who I guess is pretty stereotypical in this respect.

So it's a fair question. Why are we like this? How can we stop? Why are men able to just "do less" when it comes to male friendship or interacting with peers, and largely just not care enough about each other to sit around comparing and judging and criticizing and gaslighting each other?

“We” are not like this. Women are no more prone to comparison, judgment, criticism, and gaslighting than men are. You believe this behavior is ubiquitous because you’ve bought into a misogynistic lie.

I think women are more prone to compare, judge, criticize, and gaslight *each other* than men are. Men do all that stuff too, but they are more likely to do it to women.

Ding ding ding! It's not that women are more likely than men to behave this way. It's that, no matter who is doing it, the comparing, judging, and criticizing is almost always **of women.** THAT is the misogyny. Neither men nor women tend to treat men this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I know that this can happen anywhere but this flavor seems to be particular to the DMV

I don't think so. Clearly you have never met Southern Moms.

+100000. It’s everywhere.

It gets worse as women lose their looks and are unemployed.

Notice how friendly and inclusive a group of attractive 28 year old women are? Now compare that to some overweight middle aged moms in Vienna. Complete opposite.

The 30s is where the rubber meets the road and where people are on different trajectories. Friendships don’t often survive now that some have made it and some haven’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to note that OP didn't ask why moms can't just BE chill. She said "why can't moms just chill." So she's not referring to personality, but behavior. She's asking why moms can't just leave each other alone, instead of gossiping, criticizing, or judging one another.

And I just want to point out that this thread grew pretty fast and with a lot of contentious back and forth between, presumably, moms, with plenty of gossip, criticism and judgment, of each other and of other moms they know.

Can you imagine a similar thread for men, where a bunch of dads posted judging and criticizing each other? I think men as a group are kind of horrible but this is impossible for me to imagine. My husband would never be able to sustain actual interest in other dads to engage in something like this. He would give up and go watch a sporting event or play a video game or read a book. Sorry to throw out so many stereotypes about men but I'm describing my real husband who I guess is pretty stereotypical in this respect.

So it's a fair question. Why are we like this? How can we stop? Why are men able to just "do less" when it comes to male friendship or interacting with peers, and largely just not care enough about each other to sit around comparing and judging and criticizing and gaslighting each other?

“We” are not like this. Women are no more prone to comparison, judgment, criticism, and gaslighting than men are. You believe this behavior is ubiquitous because you’ve bought into a misogynistic lie.

I think women are more prone to compare, judge, criticize, and gaslight *each other* than men are. Men do all that stuff too, but they are more likely to do it to women.

Ding ding ding! It's not that women are more likely than men to behave this way. It's that, no matter who is doing it, the comparing, judging, and criticizing is almost always **of women.** THAT is the misogyny. Neither men nor women tend to treat men this way.

It’s not misogynistic to call out behavior that in many people’s experience is more common among women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I know that this can happen anywhere but this flavor seems to be particular to the DMV

I don't think so. Clearly you have never met Southern Moms.

+100000. It’s everywhere.

It gets worse as women lose their looks and are unemployed.

Notice how friendly and inclusive a group of attractive 28 year old women are? Now compare that to some overweight middle aged moms in Vienna. Complete opposite.

The 30s is where the rubber meets the road and where people are on different trajectories. Friendships don’t often survive now that some have made it and some haven’t.

I’m thin with a high earning career.

I can’t help but notice that the women who are the meanest and most unfriendly to me are overweight and/or don’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I know that this can happen anywhere but this flavor seems to be particular to the DMV

I don't think so. Clearly you have never met Southern Moms.

+100000. It’s everywhere.

It gets worse as women lose their looks and are unemployed.

Notice how friendly and inclusive a group of attractive 28 year old women are? Now compare that to some overweight middle aged moms in Vienna. Complete opposite.

The 30s is where the rubber meets the road and where people are on different trajectories. Friendships don’t often survive now that some have made it and some haven’t.

I’m thin with a high earning career.

I can’t help but notice that the women who are the meanest and most unfriendly to me are overweight and/or don’t work.

Probably because they can sense you judging them from a mile away.

[Anonymous]

Read Arthur Schopenhauer’s short essay “On Women.” He explains it.

[Anonymous]

A lot of mothers are invisible to their family and it seems that they create drama to pull focus back on them. At least that's what I have observed in my friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I know that this can happen anywhere but this flavor seems to be particular to the DMV

I don't think so. Clearly you have never met Southern Moms.

+100000. It’s everywhere.

It gets worse as women lose their looks and are unemployed.

Notice how friendly and inclusive a group of attractive 28 year old women are? Now compare that to some overweight middle aged moms in Vienna. Complete opposite.

The 30s is where the rubber meets the road and where people are on different trajectories. Friendships don’t often survive now that some have made it and some haven’t.

I’m thin with a high earning career.

I can’t help but notice that the women who are the meanest and most unfriendly to me are overweight and/or don’t work.

Probably because they can sense you judging them from a mile away.

That’s certainly possible. Whatever it is, I try to avoid them as I don’t feel welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

I know that this can happen anywhere but this flavor seems to be particular to the DMV

I don't think so. Clearly you have never met Southern Moms.

+100000. It’s everywhere.

It gets worse as women lose their looks and are unemployed.

Notice how friendly and inclusive a group of attractive 28 year old women are? Now compare that to some overweight middle aged moms in Vienna. Complete opposite.

I agree with the poster who said it's a small percentage who are the worst and cause the most damage. I tend to avoid mom groups. I find people much more normal 1-1 or just in a very small group. Perfectly nice women can sometimes go along with rude behavior to get along in groups.

I laughed though at how "it gets worse as women lose their looks." My mom is a mean girl who was very pretty in her day. When she was getting a steady stream of compliments for her looks and women fawning over her she could stand to be nice. Now that she's old, wrinkled and a widow she is so mean! She gets a thrill out of making people visibly uncomfortable and then plays victim when anyone snaps back. It's usually only her peers who will snap back because everyone else is afraid of being accused of elder abuse. Miserable people like to spread the misery.