S/O Why can’t moms just chill and be nice?

[Anonymous]

As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

[Anonymous]

I don't know but I was at a dinner last night with a group of moms and walked away feeling horribly bullied. I haven't felt this bad about a social interaction since high school.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone is nice. They just aren't.

If you have a pattern of being the victim of bullies, it might make sense to look into why. You might need to improve your social skills.

[Anonymous]

Just like in school, it's a small number of people causing most of the problems. Most moms are chill and not seeking drama. Of the dozens of moms I've met through my kid, I'd say like 95% of them are chill and easy to deal with. Diverse group and some are not really my cup of tea in terms of close friendship, but that's okay -- I'm sure others feel the same about me.

I can only think of a couple truly problematic moms I have encountered, but they negatively impacted many people with their antics. That's the problem.

[Anonymous]

You can choose not to involve yourself OP, really. I physically do not get involved in this stuff. I sit in the car during pick up and read a book. I don’t hang around the playground edges to gossip. You might say I am excluding myself, but moms still tend to find me over time (through volunteering together or our kids being friendly or whatever). I am friends or at least friendly with those people. Everyone else gets a generic smile and hello, and I will chat with other moms who chat me up in passing. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

I'm 46 and have literally never met anyone like this, OP. I've lived in Europe and the US, and attended grade schools and universities in multiple countries. I know some comments can be interpreted in many different ways, and I always choose to take what people say ina. constructive manner.

If this keeps happening to you... consider you might be part of the problem, as in: you always gravitate towards the same toxic personalities, or you interpret innocuous comments in negative ways, or you actively do things to warrant criticism. Probably mostly #2, wouldn't you say?




Most people are kind and tolerant. Some of high-strung but well-meaning and definitely not looking to bully anyone. I'm willing to believe a few are bullies... but I haven't met anyone who goes out of their way to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a middle aged suburban mom who was relentlessly bullied in high school, I feel like I am reliving those horrific days again. I *hate* it, and I hate especially that it seems so much easier to be a dad: they don’t play these games and don’t care, so why do we?

Why can’t grown women just be cool and nice to each other? Real question.

You answered your own question.

My DH does not care if other dads like him. He is not in competition with other dads. He is not offended when other dads are cold or standoffish, he just think "oh this person is not friendly, I will not bother them anymore."

But I get why it happens because also society expects way more of moms, and just has higher standards, and this encourages a culture of comparison. The bar is lower for dads which means more of them clear it, and they can be more chill knowing they are meeting the minimal expectations of parenthood. Women often live in a constant state of insecurity that they aren't good enough, and this breeds competitive, unkind behavior towards one another.

[Anonymous]

This site and talking with friends who left DC makes me wonder if it's really worse out there in the suburbs, especially those with "high performing" schools. Most families I've met in DCPS are pretty chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 46 and have literally never met anyone like this, OP. I've lived in Europe and the US, and attended grade schools and universities in multiple countries. I know some comments can be interpreted in many different ways, and I always choose to take what people say ina. constructive manner.

If this keeps happening to you... consider you might be part of the problem, as in: you always gravitate towards the same toxic personalities, or you interpret innocuous comments in negative ways, or you actively do things to warrant criticism. Probably mostly #2, wouldn't you say?




Most people are kind and tolerant. Some of high-strung but well-meaning and definitely not looking to bully anyone. I'm willing to believe a few are bullies... but I haven't met anyone who goes out of their way to be mean.

Agree with this. I'm 40, was bullied in 7th grade but thankfully that's it. Do some moms not want to be friends? Sure. That's life. I don't expect everyone to want to be friends with me. Are they rude or mean? Not at all. Here are some things to consider:

It's not bullying for people to not want to be friends with you or to hang out with you. If a group of moms say hi and are polite, but don't invite you to join their friend group, that's not bullying.
Sometimes when you're insecure, you can be drawn to toxic personalities because they can seem to be the most outgoing and fun
Sometimes when you're insecure, you can present yourself in a way that can be off putting to others. I've definitely BTDT.

[Anonymous]

I am chill and nice but I don’t socialize at my kids’ schools. I socialize at church and with my extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This site and talking with friends who left DC makes me wonder if it's really worse out there in the suburbs, especially those with "high performing" schools. Most families I've met in DCPS are pretty chill.

I think there is also this weird culture of "if they don't invite me to do things or don't engage with me beyond small talk, that's bullying". Not everyone is going to like me and that's ok. I'm not going to like everyone. There are moms I've met who I have absolutely zero interest in being friends with. I'll be nice, I'll say hi, I'll engage in small talk. But not much else. And I know there are others who don't want to be friends with me. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 46 and have literally never met anyone like this, OP. I've lived in Europe and the US, and attended grade schools and universities in multiple countries. I know some comments can be interpreted in many different ways, and I always choose to take what people say ina. constructive manner.

If this keeps happening to you... consider you might be part of the problem, as in: you always gravitate towards the same toxic personalities, or you interpret innocuous comments in negative ways, or you actively do things to warrant criticism. Probably mostly #2, wouldn't you say?

Most people are kind and tolerant. Some of high-strung but well-meaning and definitely not looking to bully anyone. I'm willing to believe a few are bullies... but I haven't met anyone who goes out of their way to be mean.

Not OP but is this comment meant as a specific troll? I can never tell with stuff like this. Are you expressing your real opinion on the subject or did you sit down to write a post that would embody exactly the sort of not chill, not nice OP is referring to?

The part where you accuse OP, a person you do not know at all, of something you couldn't possibly know about her with "Probably mostly #2, wouldn't you say?" (unreal condescension there), but then claim "most people are kind and tolerant"? Chef's kiss, so perfect.

If this was a joke, well done. If it was in earnest, ugh.

[Anonymous]

I haven't had any issues with other women as an adult. I like some people more than others, of course, but I haven't experienced any social jockeying/bullying among parents. I have elementary aged boys that go to a decent but not particularly coveted elementary school, so maybe the people who would be a problem self-select out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This site and talking with friends who left DC makes me wonder if it's really worse out there in the suburbs, especially those with "high performing" schools. Most families I've met in DCPS are pretty chill.

I know lots of not-chill moms in DCPS. Which makes sense because DC is not really a town for chill people. They exist, but the job market in DC attracts type A people who tend to be competitive, ambitious, and highly detail-oriented. That can be great in certain settings but it is decidedly not "chill."

Though I also know a number of moms in the suburbs and they are not chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but I was at a dinner last night with a group of moms and walked away feeling horribly bullied. I haven't felt this bad about a social interaction since high school.

Ugh. I’m sorry. What happened? Were these people you consider friends?

OP, it varies and is luck of the draw. Steer clear of Queen types.