Mother's Day: Am I the a@@hole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book yourself into a hotel. Bring books, order room service.

Do people really want to do this? I spent a lot of nights alone in a hotel room ordering room service when I was a consultant. It's a pretty miserable life. I wouldn't choose to do that now to get away from my family.

I was a consultant. When you are a consultant, you dream of home. When you are home everyday surrounded by chaos, you dream of silence and a place you don’t have to clean.

At some point, though, no former consultant wants to go back to that *life.*. But one night? Sounds fine.

Maybe if you’re on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. But otherwise, this is some idea that gets parroted here but nobody actually does.

Huh? I've done it. My friends have done it. And we all travel for work as well. I got spa treatments, laid out by the pool (this was for my birthday, not Mother's Day), ordered room service, slept a ton, binge watched TV, read an entire book. It was delightful. Sure I can relax at home, but there's always something I should be doing (work, laundry, organizing something, etc.). When you're at a hotel you can't do any of these things so it provides an added layer of relaxation.

BTW, no one is staying at a Holiday Inn. I doubt you stayed at the Inn at Perry Cabin or the Salamander for your work trips.

Never has OP said "Good idea!" This isn't something most people want to do no matter how many times it gets repeated in here.

Oh my dear God. I’ve done it. As a mother of small kids, that was barely holding it together. It’s one of the things that I was able to do to reset. It probably only happened once or twice a year but I do two nights at a hotel with a bathtub. It was nothing fancy, but I slept so much sometimes I just slept and I didn’t even do anything else. Completely worth it.

I think the suggestion is offered a lot because we need to remember we have autonomy to do those things. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves and the only way we can do that is to remove ourselves from the situation. Clearly as a parent, you need to do that with Support. Someone needs to be able to look after your kids that you trust. I think this father is capable of that

I’m sorry that it’s not within your bandwidth to understand what someone else might want to do. I know that you want to make a point here but it’s not a universal opinion- and yes, in fact, we do go do that we get a hotel room and we take a night off, preferably too because who wants to get up for checkout?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book yourself into a hotel. Bring books, order room service.

Do people really want to do this? I spent a lot of nights alone in a hotel room ordering room service when I was a consultant. It's a pretty miserable life. I wouldn't choose to do that now to get away from my family.

I was a consultant. When you are a consultant, you dream of home. When you are home everyday surrounded by chaos, you dream of silence and a place you don’t have to clean.

At some point, though, no former consultant wants to go back to that *life.*. But one night? Sounds fine.

Maybe if you’re on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. But otherwise, this is some idea that gets parroted here but nobody actually does.

Huh? I've done it. My friends have done it. And we all travel for work as well. I got spa treatments, laid out by the pool (this was for my birthday, not Mother's Day), ordered room service, slept a ton, binge watched TV, read an entire book. It was delightful. Sure I can relax at home, but there's always something I should be doing (work, laundry, organizing something, etc.). When you're at a hotel you can't do any of these things so it provides an added layer of relaxation.

BTW, no one is staying at a Holiday Inn. I doubt you stayed at the Inn at Perry Cabin or the Salamander for your work trips.

Never has OP said "Good idea!" This isn't something most people want to do no matter how many times it gets repeated in here.

Oh my dear God. I’ve done it. As a mother of small kids, that was barely holding it together. It’s one of the things that I was able to do to reset. It probably only happened once or twice a year but I do two nights at a hotel with a bathtub. It was nothing fancy, but I slept so much sometimes I just slept and I didn’t even do anything else. Completely worth it.

I think the suggestion is offered a lot because we need to remember we have autonomy to do those things. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves and the only way we can do that is to remove ourselves from the situation. Clearly as a parent, you need to do that with Support. Someone needs to be able to look after your kids that you trust. I think this father is capable of that

I’m sorry that it’s not within your bandwidth to understand what someone else might want to do. I know that you want to make a point here but it’s not a universal opinion- and yes, in fact, we do go do that we get a hotel room and we take a night off, preferably too because who wants to get up for checkout?

+1

Some people like to be alone in their doing nothing and prefer to do it somewhere other than home which is full of reminders of what we need to do.

When my child was under 5, I did this about once a year. It was glorious.

I also had a great boss (older guy with no kids) who would occasionally look at me and say "you need to go on a work trip" so I could get a few nights of quiet at a bougie hotel. They were legit trips, he was kind of joking, but they were relaxing in a way pre-kid trips weren't, even though I was working.

I have a hard time relaxing if anyone else is in the house. Maybe it's my people, maybe it's me - but experience has taught me that someone will need something. It might seem minor to them or even to some people ("Where is the tape?" "Here's an interesting fact I read that you don't care about!"). But for some of us, it's not. And while we're fine with that 99% of the time - sometimes we just want 12 hours of nothingness and no communication or commitments or questions.

But I do know people who hate hate hate being alone. So maybe the PPs who are shocked someone would want to be alone are like that?

And maybe some PPs can have non-immediate family members in their house without feeling any sort of obligation to make sure they are comfortable, but I can't. (Neither can my husband by the way.). So "just ignore" won't really work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not reading all the replies blaming OP because I agree with her. No plans means no plans and no guests and they are already seeing the MIL for two days before. Team OP. We too are doing “nothing” OP, and my DH is thankful I’m not demanding some big fete but also knows that nothing means nothing.

Why is OP forcing everyone to do nothing. If she wants to do nothing, that's fine. Her husband and the kids don't want to stay bored doing nothing, they can make their own plans and do something. OP can stay and do nothing. Nobody is asking her to do anything.

Actually, her husband is asking her to host his mother. I know, I know, you'll reply that OP doesn't have to do anything for her MIL while she's in her house, but I seriously doubt that OP's husband is the kind of person who would make that happen. OP doesn't want a house guest. Her husband is telling her he wants a house guest.

If the hosting is implied - MIL requires hosting and DH can't host - then OP needs to communicate this directly.

That said, I can assume there are at least a few MILs here who would insist they are adults and don't need hosting while spending time with their sons on Mothers Day.





"I'm not hosting anyone. If MIL is here, MIL needs hosting and I'm the default host. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book yourself into a hotel. Bring books, order room service.

Do people really want to do this? I spent a lot of nights alone in a hotel room ordering room service when I was a consultant. It's a pretty miserable life. I wouldn't choose to do that now to get away from my family.

I was a consultant. When you are a consultant, you dream of home. When you are home everyday surrounded by chaos, you dream of silence and a place you don’t have to clean.

At some point, though, no former consultant wants to go back to that *life.*. But one night? Sounds fine.

Maybe if you’re on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. But otherwise, this is some idea that gets parroted here but nobody actually does.

Huh? I've done it. My friends have done it. And we all travel for work as well. I got spa treatments, laid out by the pool (this was for my birthday, not Mother's Day), ordered room service, slept a ton, binge watched TV, read an entire book. It was delightful. Sure I can relax at home, but there's always something I should be doing (work, laundry, organizing something, etc.). When you're at a hotel you can't do any of these things so it provides an added layer of relaxation.

BTW, no one is staying at a Holiday Inn. I doubt you stayed at the Inn at Perry Cabin or the Salamander for your work trips.

Never has OP said "Good idea!" This isn't something most people want to do no matter how many times it gets repeated in here.

Who cares if OP thinks it's a good idea? The question was if anyone ever does this and the answer is yes. You don't have to do it or even to understand. Do you get that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book yourself into a hotel. Bring books, order room service.

Do people really want to do this? I spent a lot of nights alone in a hotel room ordering room service when I was a consultant. It's a pretty miserable life. I wouldn't choose to do that now to get away from my family.

I was a consultant. When you are a consultant, you dream of home. When you are home everyday surrounded by chaos, you dream of silence and a place you don’t have to clean.

At some point, though, no former consultant wants to go back to that *life.*. But one night? Sounds fine.

Maybe if you’re on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. But otherwise, this is some idea that gets parroted here but nobody actually does.

Huh? I've done it. My friends have done it. And we all travel for work as well. I got spa treatments, laid out by the pool (this was for my birthday, not Mother's Day), ordered room service, slept a ton, binge watched TV, read an entire book. It was delightful. Sure I can relax at home, but there's always something I should be doing (work, laundry, organizing something, etc.). When you're at a hotel you can't do any of these things so it provides an added layer of relaxation.

BTW, no one is staying at a Holiday Inn. I doubt you stayed at the Inn at Perry Cabin or the Salamander for your work trips.

Never has OP said "Good idea!" This isn't something most people want to do no matter how many times it gets repeated in here.

Oh my dear God. I’ve done it. As a mother of small kids, that was barely holding it together. It’s one of the things that I was able to do to reset. It probably only happened once or twice a year but I do two nights at a hotel with a bathtub. It was nothing fancy, but I slept so much sometimes I just slept and I didn’t even do anything else. Completely worth it.

I think the suggestion is offered a lot because we need to remember we have autonomy to do those things. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves and the only way we can do that is to remove ourselves from the situation. Clearly as a parent, you need to do that with Support. Someone needs to be able to look after your kids that you trust. I think this father is capable of that

I’m sorry that it’s not within your bandwidth to understand what someone else might want to do. I know that you want to make a point here but it’s not a universal opinion- and yes, in fact, we do go do that we get a hotel room and we take a night off, preferably too because who wants to get up for checkout?

+1

Some people like to be alone in their doing nothing and prefer to do it somewhere other than home which is full of reminders of what we need to do.

When my child was under 5, I did this about once a year. It was glorious.

I also had a great boss (older guy with no kids) who would occasionally look at me and say "you need to go on a work trip" so I could get a few nights of quiet at a bougie hotel. They were legit trips, he was kind of joking, but they were relaxing in a way pre-kid trips weren't, even though I was working.

I have a hard time relaxing if anyone else is in the house. Maybe it's my people, maybe it's me - but experience has taught me that someone will need something. It might seem minor to them or even to some people ("Where is the tape?" "Here's an interesting fact I read that you don't care about!"). But for some of us, it's not. And while we're fine with that 99% of the time - sometimes we just want 12 hours of nothingness and no communication or commitments or questions.

But I do know people who hate hate hate being alone. So maybe the PPs who are shocked someone would want to be alone are like that?

And maybe some PPs can have non-immediate family members in their house without feeling any sort of obligation to make sure they are comfortable, but I can't. (Neither can my husband by the way.). So "just ignore" won't really work.

+1000 And I'm not the PP above you so there are least three of us on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not reading all the replies blaming OP because I agree with her. No plans means no plans and no guests and they are already seeing the MIL for two days before. Team OP. We too are doing “nothing” OP, and my DH is thankful I’m not demanding some big fete but also knows that nothing means nothing.

Why is OP forcing everyone to do nothing. If she wants to do nothing, that's fine. Her husband and the kids don't want to stay bored doing nothing, they can make their own plans and do something. OP can stay and do nothing. Nobody is asking her to do anything.

Actually, her husband is asking her to host his mother. I know, I know, you'll reply that OP doesn't have to do anything for her MIL while she's in her house, but I seriously doubt that OP's husband is the kind of person who would make that happen. OP doesn't want a house guest. Her husband is telling her he wants a house guest.

If the hosting is implied - MIL requires hosting and DH can't host - then OP needs to communicate this directly.

That said, I can assume there are at least a few MILs here who would insist they are adults and don't need hosting while spending time with their sons on Mothers Day.

"I'm not hosting anyone. If MIL is here, MIL needs hosting and I'm the default host. "

You don't know anything about OP's MIL. The point is that OP doesn't want to host her. It doesn't matter what you think.

[Anonymous]

She was coming for Saturday games. Not Mother’s Day. The nature of the visit either changed or OP was told after the invite to stay all weekend was extended.

NTA

[Anonymous]

If the MIL stays over Saturday night, OP can’t suddenly start ignoring her on Sunday. Most of us would feel uncomfortable about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book yourself into a hotel. Bring books, order room service.

Do people really want to do this? I spent a lot of nights alone in a hotel room ordering room service when I was a consultant. It's a pretty miserable life. I wouldn't choose to do that now to get away from my family.

I was a consultant. When you are a consultant, you dream of home. When you are home everyday surrounded by chaos, you dream of silence and a place you don’t have to clean.

At some point, though, no former consultant wants to go back to that *life.*. But one night? Sounds fine.

Maybe if you’re on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. But otherwise, this is some idea that gets parroted here but nobody actually does.

Huh? I've done it. My friends have done it. And we all travel for work as well. I got spa treatments, laid out by the pool (this was for my birthday, not Mother's Day), ordered room service, slept a ton, binge watched TV, read an entire book. It was delightful. Sure I can relax at home, but there's always something I should be doing (work, laundry, organizing something, etc.). When you're at a hotel you can't do any of these things so it provides an added layer of relaxation.

BTW, no one is staying at a Holiday Inn. I doubt you stayed at the Inn at Perry Cabin or the Salamander for your work trips.

Never has OP said "Good idea!" This isn't something most people want to do no matter how many times it gets repeated in here.

Who cares if OP thinks it's a good idea? The question was if anyone ever does this and the answer is yes. You don't have to do it or even to understand. Do you get that?

Not everyone has to agree with you either. I'd love to see how the kids react when mom says "I'd love nothing better on Mother's Day than to be away from all of you!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book yourself into a hotel. Bring books, order room service.

Do people really want to do this? I spent a lot of nights alone in a hotel room ordering room service when I was a consultant. It's a pretty miserable life. I wouldn't choose to do that now to get away from my family.

I was a consultant. When you are a consultant, you dream of home. When you are home everyday surrounded by chaos, you dream of silence and a place you don’t have to clean.

At some point, though, no former consultant wants to go back to that *life.*. But one night? Sounds fine.

Maybe if you’re on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. But otherwise, this is some idea that gets parroted here but nobody actually does.

Huh? I've done it. My friends have done it. And we all travel for work as well. I got spa treatments, laid out by the pool (this was for my birthday, not Mother's Day), ordered room service, slept a ton, binge watched TV, read an entire book. It was delightful. Sure I can relax at home, but there's always something I should be doing (work, laundry, organizing something, etc.). When you're at a hotel you can't do any of these things so it provides an added layer of relaxation.

BTW, no one is staying at a Holiday Inn. I doubt you stayed at the Inn at Perry Cabin or the Salamander for your work trips.

Never has OP said "Good idea!" This isn't something most people want to do no matter how many times it gets repeated in here.

Who cares if OP thinks it's a good idea? The question was if anyone ever does this and the answer is yes. You don't have to do it or even to understand. Do you get that?

Not everyone has to agree with you either. I'd love to see how the kids react when mom says "I'd love nothing better on Mother's Day than to be away from all of you!"

That’s not the intention at all. She’s asking for an unstructured unplanned day with responsibilities handled by the other, incredibly capable grown-up in the house. A day of not having to drive anyone anywhere or make decisions. You would think this is not a large ask.

[Anonymous]

Can we stop with the mommy martyrdom? Why are you making your husband choose between his mom and wife? There has to be a happy medium. Tell him explicitly he’s in charge of hosting and lay out what that means explicitly so there no confusion. What kind of behavior are you modeling for your kids?

-Mom of small kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we stop with the mommy martyrdom? Why are you making your husband choose between his mom and wife? There has to be a happy medium. Tell him explicitly he’s in charge of hosting and lay out what that means explicitly so there no confusion. What kind of behavior are you modeling for your kids?

-Mom of small kids

+1

This is the answer. Two adults responsible for children should be able to have this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He really can't win with you, can he?

It's his mother. I don't think his impulse to want to allow her to stay Saturday night and take her to brunch or whatever on Sunday is that bad. He already said you could do your own thing (nothing), so take him at his word.

+1


SHE is his mother. Mother's day is Sunday. simple enough.

You are the mother to YOUR KIDS. If you have a son, think years ahead about how YOU want to be treated by HIM on mother's day... while his focus is self-focused.

Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book yourself into a hotel. Bring books, order room service.

Do people really want to do this? I spent a lot of nights alone in a hotel room ordering room service when I was a consultant. It's a pretty miserable life. I wouldn't choose to do that now to get away from my family.

I was a consultant. When you are a consultant, you dream of home. When you are home everyday surrounded by chaos, you dream of silence and a place you don’t have to clean.

At some point, though, no former consultant wants to go back to that *life.*. But one night? Sounds fine.

Maybe if you’re on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. But otherwise, this is some idea that gets parroted here but nobody actually does.

Huh? I've done it. My friends have done it. And we all travel for work as well. I got spa treatments, laid out by the pool (this was for my birthday, not Mother's Day), ordered room service, slept a ton, binge watched TV, read an entire book. It was delightful. Sure I can relax at home, but there's always something I should be doing (work, laundry, organizing something, etc.). When you're at a hotel you can't do any of these things so it provides an added layer of relaxation.

BTW, no one is staying at a Holiday Inn. I doubt you stayed at the Inn at Perry Cabin or the Salamander for your work trips.

Never has OP said "Good idea!" This isn't something most people want to do no matter how many times it gets repeated in here.

Who cares if OP thinks it's a good idea? The question was if anyone ever does this and the answer is yes. You don't have to do it or even to understand. Do you get that?

Not everyone has to agree with you either. I'd love to see how the kids react when mom says "I'd love nothing better on Mother's Day than to be away from all of you!"

That’s not the intention at all. She’s asking for an unstructured unplanned day with responsibilities handled by the other, incredibly capable grown-up in the house. A day of not having to drive anyone anywhere or make decisions. You would think this is not a large ask.

It also inexplicably means her husband can't see his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Book yourself into a hotel. Bring books, order room service.

Do people really want to do this? I spent a lot of nights alone in a hotel room ordering room service when I was a consultant. It's a pretty miserable life. I wouldn't choose to do that now to get away from my family.

I was a consultant. When you are a consultant, you dream of home. When you are home everyday surrounded by chaos, you dream of silence and a place you don’t have to clean.

At some point, though, no former consultant wants to go back to that *life.*. But one night? Sounds fine.

Maybe if you’re on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. But otherwise, this is some idea that gets parroted here but nobody actually does.

Huh? I've done it. My friends have done it. And we all travel for work as well. I got spa treatments, laid out by the pool (this was for my birthday, not Mother's Day), ordered room service, slept a ton, binge watched TV, read an entire book. It was delightful. Sure I can relax at home, but there's always something I should be doing (work, laundry, organizing something, etc.). When you're at a hotel you can't do any of these things so it provides an added layer of relaxation.

BTW, no one is staying at a Holiday Inn. I doubt you stayed at the Inn at Perry Cabin or the Salamander for your work trips.

Never has OP said "Good idea!" This isn't something most people want to do no matter how many times it gets repeated in here.

Who cares if OP thinks it's a good idea? The question was if anyone ever does this and the answer is yes. You don't have to do it or even to understand. Do you get that?

Not everyone has to agree with you either. I'd love to see how the kids react when mom says "I'd love nothing better on Mother's Day than to be away from all of you!"

That’s not the intention at all. She’s asking for an unstructured unplanned day with responsibilities handled by the other, incredibly capable grown-up in the house. A day of not having to drive anyone anywhere or make decisions. You would think this is not a large ask.

It also inexplicably means her husband can't see his mom.

The mom that is there for two days beforehand and they’re seeing the following weekend? That mom?