Mother's Day: Am I the a@@hole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men don't understand "nothing". You need to be explicit in what you want. You want, no guests, no plans, for him to handle all meals with kids so YOU can do whatever you want which can be laying in bed until 10, walking or gardening and hindering a show without anyone bothering you. Specific things that he still needs to do to accomplish your desired day.

I don’t know that it’s a matter of not understanding “nothing.”

It’s more that holidays like MD are typically associated with some kind of formal observance, which usually involves an activity or gesture of some sort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him, sure, his mom can stay an extra night. But you're going to give her a big hug on Saturday evening, say goodbye and tell her you're looking forward to seeing her again next week, and explain that for Mother's Day, you are seizing the rare opportunity to not have to get out of bed in a rush on Sunday.

Then he is going to get up, take his mom and the kids to brunch, come back and help her load her suitcase in the car, and send her on her way with a bouquet of flowers. Then he's going to come in, strip her bed, and wash/dry/fold/store the sheets and towels.

After/during which the laundry festival, he can take the kids out again. You will be on the sofa with the remote.

No way. Most men wouldn't lift a finger and then their wife would be forced to entertain the guest. MIL, however delightful she is, cannot stay over til Sunday.

Oh please, spare us the incompetent, lazy man trope. Sorry you picked badly but your life experience is the anomaly, not the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your DH thinks the "nothing" is a trap and he's suppose to be able to read your mind to know that nothing really means breakfast in bed, your morning beverage just the way you like it, DH and kids cleaning the house from head to toe, and a surprise dinner.

I am the OP and can think of nothing worse than breakfast in bed!

You sound difficult and unpleasant.

Yes, only the most low-maintenance and cheerful people require breakfast in bed on mother's day.
MMM love to eat waffles with syrup under a duvet until crumbs get everywhere. Smear that OJ on the mattress. Yum yum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YTA. Listen to him for once, and let his mom come over on Mothers Day..

for once? huh?

Yes, I listen to my DH.

Do you let him boss you around?

Sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your DH thinks the "nothing" is a trap and he's suppose to be able to read your mind to know that nothing really means breakfast in bed, your morning beverage just the way you like it, DH and kids cleaning the house from head to toe, and a surprise dinner.

I am the OP and can think of nothing worse than breakfast in bed!

If you were actually chill and go with the flow I don't think your husband would be struggling so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your DH thinks the "nothing" is a trap and he's suppose to be able to read your mind to know that nothing really means breakfast in bed, your morning beverage just the way you like it, DH and kids cleaning the house from head to toe, and a surprise dinner.

I am the OP and can think of nothing worse than breakfast in bed!

If you were actually chill and go with the flow I don't think your husband would be struggling so much.

Why should a woman have to be "chill" and "go with the flow," while a man can do what he wants, when he wants? Why do women have to flatten their expectations to suit men? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your DH thinks the "nothing" is a trap and he's suppose to be able to read your mind to know that nothing really means breakfast in bed, your morning beverage just the way you like it, DH and kids cleaning the house from head to toe, and a surprise dinner.

I am the OP and can think of nothing worse than breakfast in bed!

If you were actually chill and go with the flow I don't think your husband would be struggling so much.

Why should a woman have to be "chill" and "go with the flow," while a man can do what he wants, when he wants? Why do women have to flatten their expectations to suit men? Nope.

Watchutalkingboutwillis? What alternate misandrist fantasy reality do you exist in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH keeps asking what I want to do for mother's day, and I've told him - nothing. A day with no plans. The kids actually have no sports and we have nothing on our calendar, which is so rare. I want to do nothing. Maybe go for a walk or binge-watch something. That is it. He seemed put out that we had "nothing" on our calendar, like somehow I am letting him down.

Meanwhile, his mother is coming to visit on Friday-Saturday. She's very nice. It's no problem. She lives an hour away, so she will stay over Friday and come to some of our kids' games on Saturday, followed by an early dinner. Then, I presumed, she would go home.

Now my husband is put out that she isn't going to stay over Saturday as well, because it would be "easier" for her to stay over Saturday into Sunday as well. I am livid. He asked me what I wanted. I told him - NOTHING. No guests, no plans, no nothing. He told me he can't understand why having his mother there is any sort of extra imposition and I could "just do what I wanted" anyway...Which is not how it works with a MIL as a houseguest even if she is nice.

We're also seeing her the very next weekend for a graduation party.

My mom is deceased.

Am I a horrible person for wanting one day without plans? I feel like he asked what I wanted, I expressed it clearly, and he somehow undermined or disregarded it. I am mad.

So make it work that way?

I think your husband is being a bit of a jerk here and your MIL was already planning to leave on Saturday so I don't know why he wants to extend it. But in any event, if I were you and I made it clear to my husband that I wanted to do nothing on Sunday, I would do nothing on Sunday, even if my MIL were visiting. If I liked her, I'd explain to her that her son is on for anything on Sunday because you just wanted a day off and then make your day happen. It's not ideal - ideally he should stick with the original plans, but if he won't cave then stick to your guns and make your day happen the way you want it to. It won't be perfect but hopefully it'll be close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hug to all the mothers who have lost a mother and have a MIL (no matter how nice they are.) Stirs up all kinds of emotions.

Thanks, PP. I lost my mom a month ago so this is my first Mother's Day without her. I was actually hoping to be out of town this weekend and just kind of ignore the holiday but my plans got canceled and now I'll be home. Like the OP, I want to do NOTHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your DH thinks the "nothing" is a trap and he's suppose to be able to read your mind to know that nothing really means breakfast in bed, your morning beverage just the way you like it, DH and kids cleaning the house from head to toe, and a surprise dinner.

I am the OP and can think of nothing worse than breakfast in bed!

YATA
No pleasing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men don't understand "nothing". You need to be explicit in what you want. You want, no guests, no plans, for him to handle all meals with kids so YOU can do whatever you want which can be laying in bed until 10, walking or gardening and hindering a show without anyone bothering you. Specific things that he still needs to do to accomplish your desired day.

+1

I think this is a problem of communication. He heard nothing as if you want nothing from him. In reality, you do want something - a day with nothing you’re obligated to do. instead of saying you want a day without plans, tell him the plan for that day is to spend it relaxing with your family.

I think it would help if you called it something else so that he could understand that you consider a carefree day with to be your gift.
Maybe you could say something like you want to:
- Be “queen for a day”
- Have a “Be Day” where you can just “be”.
- Have a day set aside for just your immediate family to relax together.
- Have his present be his time for the day, with you telling him on the day when you want to spend happy time together and/or take care of the kids so that you can have some time to yourself.
- Have a blank schedule day and spend the day without any commitments of any kind.
- Have a hermit/family day just for you and your immediate family, without the outside world (even beloved extended family) intruding.
- Have a day celebrating you, and you choose to celebrate by having a quiet, low key relaxing day.
etc.

You can phrase it however you think will make sense to him, but make sure he understands that instead of giving you “nothing”, he’d be giving you a very precious gift. I hope you get the day you want, and then at the end of it you can thank him with a kiss and tell him it was just what you wanted.

Happy Mother’s Day

[Anonymous]

My STBX pulled this last year and many years prior. Finally last year I said that if his mother was going to invite herself here for Mother’s Day one more time, he was totally in charge of hosting her.

After she left, she texted him a bunch of complaints about how the bathroom in new our house was set up and criticisms of the things I didn’t do for her stay that time. And he said “my mom mentioned these things, are you going to reply?”.

Long story short, he filed for divorce a few months later. It’s messy and awful but I am taking solace in not having to be “on” at 6 am to smile cheerfully at a woman who expected me to watch her watch YouTube sermons and “play her brain games” on an iPad at full volume while I stood by refreshing her tea and offering food I knew she expected to be served but would take one bite and frown and say “too sweet”.

DD and I have a plan to read quietly and then go to the pool.

[Anonymous]

No you are not. Go to a hotel on Sunday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe your DH thinks the "nothing" is a trap and he's suppose to be able to read your mind to know that nothing really means breakfast in bed, your morning beverage just the way you like it, DH and kids cleaning the house from head to toe, and a surprise dinner.

I am the OP and can think of nothing worse than breakfast in bed!

YATA
No pleasing you.

You do know there's more to the day than the cliche breakfast in bed, right? Life isn't a Hallmark commercial! Sounds like doing NOTHING would be very pleasing -- quite low-maintenance indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him, sure, his mom can stay an extra night. But you're going to give her a big hug on Saturday evening, say goodbye and tell her you're looking forward to seeing her again next week, and explain that for Mother's Day, you are seizing the rare opportunity to not have to get out of bed in a rush on Sunday.

Then he is going to get up, take his mom and the kids to brunch, come back and help her load her suitcase in the car, and send her on her way with a bouquet of flowers. Then he's going to come in, strip her bed, and wash/dry/fold/store the sheets and towels.

After/during which the laundry festival, he can take the kids out again. You will be on the sofa with the remote.

This is the part that really needs to be spelled out and agreed upon. It’s not a day off if you have to clean up after his activities.

He also needs to prepare your MIL for the fact that his gift to you is for you to stay in bed and veg. If you think MIL would be miffed, a nice hotel room would work, too.

My DH could handle the assignment, but not all spouses could. OP, what do you think of this plan?