In laws wanting to use new vacation home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We intentionally chose a second home pretty far away because we love the spot and it feels like a get-away in another world to us. Thinking back, this has probably reduced the number of family members asking to use the house when we're not there, so we don't encounter the numbers of requests that others do.

I'm generally a pretty sharing person. I love my extended family and we get along well, and I have a great core group of friends. That said, it wouldn't like it if someone asked to use the house for their own vacation while we're not there unless we had invited them to. To me, asking directly feels like overstepping. If a friend or family member mentions wanting to visit the area or something similar, I've pretty much always offered the house, letting them know to reach out and we can arrange dates if they'd like at any time. But there have been a few exceptions, including a friend I suspected of cheating on her DH and wanting a private getaway (no shade but didn't want to sign up to be part of that) and my sister who has a lifelong habit of going though other people's closets and drawers. I've actually never had a friend or relative ask directly to use the house without my (or my DH) having offered, but absent an unusual reason (am thinking unpredictable things like extended family wedding happening in the same locale and hotels booked up, or friend needing space from spouse in bad situation), I wouldn't be crazy about the idea. As context, we had friends/family stay at the house about 6 weeks over the past year when we're not there. We cover the cost others have mentioned (keeping pool open later in season, cleaning and higher utilities).

I just really don't like the idea of being explicitly called upon to make judgements about whether I'd want someone to have access to a home of mine. It would be as though a friends and family members asked to stay in your house in DC to visit the capitol while you and your family were on vacation. With some people, it may be fine, but with others, no.

It isn't "overstepping" to ask a family member who you love and loves you back and has a vacation/second home if the place happens to be available at a time they want it. My siblings and my spouse's siblings do it all the time. And, sure, if I were out of town and a sibling wanted to stay in our DC rowhome and be a tourist I'd be fine with that too. In fact, I'd rather that than tour them around myself!

"Overstepping" implies a sort of formality to your family dynamic that we just don't have in ours.

Example: over the last few years my older brother and his wife have been renting a two bedroom place in Mexico for a month in the winter. It sets them back several thousand dollars -- very nice place. The first year they did it I invited myself along for a week (I'm early retired); this year they reached out and said "we're going back, you wanna visit again?" and I said "absolutely." Then when I show up I'll spring for all the dinners, etc. And, of course, they're always free to use our second home as well, whether we happen to be there or not.

This is how healthy families interact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Who is supposed to clean after the stay (laundry, dishes, tidying) and pay for the utilities? I cannot imagine traveling out of town to clean a vacation home after someone stayed there for free. If you rent it out, sure, then those things are already taken care of and you could offer a subsidized rate.

It’s not just the cleaning, it’s using up supplies like paper towels, tp and bottled water without replacing them, or using pantry items and eating snacks, it’s leaving dirty towels and bed linens or even clean linens but expecting the owner to remake the beds, it’s keeping the A/C at 68 or the heat at 72 because the borrower doesn’t get the bill, it’s leaving the pool heater on for a week straight because again, they don’t get the bill . . .

We have a second home that we are generous with with family and friends and literally every single thing that you have just described has happened (except the heated pool; our pool isn't heated) and guess what? WE DON'T CARE. In fact, we typically tell folks not to wash the towels and sheets and just do it ourselves. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE FAMILY AND WE'RE NICE.

The other solution is to just rent second homes and avoid this whole situation entirely. There are so many awesome home rentals now. Who needs to clean up after entitled family members?

Some of us have family and friends we like and we can afford to host and entertain without worry about “cleaning up” or affording the maintenance that we would be paying anyway.

That's exactly right. We don't ALL come from dysfunctional families.

We very much enjoy opening our second home to family and friends. It's not a big deal to throw a few towels and sheets in the wash afterwards, have our nice cleaning lady come in, or have Amazon deliver bulk supplies of paper towels and toilet paper.

And you wanna hear something that will REALLY blow your mind? We're DOG FRIENDLY! We don't care at all!!

Fine, but some of us don't like hosting family - we’re particular about how we take care of our property, so asking is rude. If someone offers, fine. But don't ask.

Right, I get it. You're uptight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We intentionally chose a second home pretty far away because we love the spot and it feels like a get-away in another world to us. Thinking back, this has probably reduced the number of family members asking to use the house when we're not there, so we don't encounter the numbers of requests that others do.

I'm generally a pretty sharing person. I love my extended family and we get along well, and I have a great core group of friends. That said, it wouldn't like it if someone asked to use the house for their own vacation while we're not there unless we had invited them to. To me, asking directly feels like overstepping. If a friend or family member mentions wanting to visit the area or something similar, I've pretty much always offered the house, letting them know to reach out and we can arrange dates if they'd like at any time. But there have been a few exceptions, including a friend I suspected of cheating on her DH and wanting a private getaway (no shade but didn't want to sign up to be part of that) and my sister who has a lifelong habit of going though other people's closets and drawers. I've actually never had a friend or relative ask directly to use the house without my (or my DH) having offered, but absent an unusual reason (am thinking unpredictable things like extended family wedding happening in the same locale and hotels booked up, or friend needing space from spouse in bad situation), I wouldn't be crazy about the idea. As context, we had friends/family stay at the house about 6 weeks over the past year when we're not there. We cover the cost others have mentioned (keeping pool open later in season, cleaning and higher utilities).

I just really don't like the idea of being explicitly called upon to make judgements about whether I'd want someone to have access to a home of mine. It would be as though a friends and family members asked to stay in your house in DC to visit the capitol while you and your family were on vacation. With some people, it may be fine, but with others, no.

It isn't "overstepping" to ask a family member who you love and loves you back and has a vacation/second home if the place happens to be available at a time they want it. My siblings and my spouse's siblings do it all the time. And, sure, if I were out of town and a sibling wanted to stay in our DC rowhome and be a tourist I'd be fine with that too. In fact, I'd rather that than tour them around myself!

"Overstepping" implies a sort of formality to your family dynamic that we just don't have in ours.

Example: over the last few years my older brother and his wife have been renting a two bedroom place in Mexico for a month in the winter. It sets them back several thousand dollars -- very nice place. The first year they did it I invited myself along for a week (I'm early retired); this year they reached out and said "we're going back, you wanna visit again?" and I said "absolutely." Then when I show up I'll spring for all the dinners, etc. And, of course, they're always free to use our second home as well, whether we happen to be there or not.

This is how healthy families interact.

Sure, because yours is the only family that is healthy and knows how to interact. Seriously, though, I’d suggest that families are different, and I would respect each person‘s ability to make the best judgment on all kinds of situations based on their particular particular circumstances. I would never presume that, as you say, my family‘s way of doing things is the way that healthy families interact. Instead, I would assume that everyone is doing her best, navigating the families and friend groups that they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We intentionally chose a second home pretty far away because we love the spot and it feels like a get-away in another world to us. Thinking back, this has probably reduced the number of family members asking to use the house when we're not there, so we don't encounter the numbers of requests that others do.

I'm generally a pretty sharing person. I love my extended family and we get along well, and I have a great core group of friends. That said, it wouldn't like it if someone asked to use the house for their own vacation while we're not there unless we had invited them to. To me, asking directly feels like overstepping. If a friend or family member mentions wanting to visit the area or something similar, I've pretty much always offered the house, letting them know to reach out and we can arrange dates if they'd like at any time. But there have been a few exceptions, including a friend I suspected of cheating on her DH and wanting a private getaway (no shade but didn't want to sign up to be part of that) and my sister who has a lifelong habit of going though other people's closets and drawers. I've actually never had a friend or relative ask directly to use the house without my (or my DH) having offered, but absent an unusual reason (am thinking unpredictable things like extended family wedding happening in the same locale and hotels booked up, or friend needing space from spouse in bad situation), I wouldn't be crazy about the idea. As context, we had friends/family stay at the house about 6 weeks over the past year when we're not there. We cover the cost others have mentioned (keeping pool open later in season, cleaning and higher utilities).

I just really don't like the idea of being explicitly called upon to make judgements about whether I'd want someone to have access to a home of mine. It would be as though a friends and family members asked to stay in your house in DC to visit the capitol while you and your family were on vacation. With some people, it may be fine, but with others, no.

It isn't "overstepping" to ask a family member who you love and loves you back and has a vacation/second home if the place happens to be available at a time they want it. My siblings and my spouse's siblings do it all the time. And, sure, if I were out of town and a sibling wanted to stay in our DC rowhome and be a tourist I'd be fine with that too. In fact, I'd rather that than tour them around myself!

"Overstepping" implies a sort of formality to your family dynamic that we just don't have in ours.

Example: over the last few years my older brother and his wife have been renting a two bedroom place in Mexico for a month in the winter. It sets them back several thousand dollars -- very nice place. The first year they did it I invited myself along for a week (I'm early retired); this year they reached out and said "we're going back, you wanna visit again?" and I said "absolutely." Then when I show up I'll spring for all the dinners, etc. And, of course, they're always free to use our second home as well, whether we happen to be there or not.

This is how healthy families interact.

Sure, because yours is the only family that is healthy and knows how to interact. Seriously, though, I’d suggest that families are different, and I would respect each person‘s ability to make the best judgment on all kinds of situations based on their particular particular circumstances. I would never presume that, as you say, my family‘s way of doing things is the way that healthy families interact. Instead, I would assume that everyone is doing her best, navigating the families and friend groups that they have.

But taking at face value your description of how your family interacts versus mine, it's pretty obvious that my family's way of doing things is, in fact, more healthy. I mean, you DID say you don't trust your sister, and you DID say you "wouldn't be crazy about the idea" of a family member asking to use your place. That doesn't sound "healthy" to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We intentionally chose a second home pretty far away because we love the spot and it feels like a get-away in another world to us. Thinking back, this has probably reduced the number of family members asking to use the house when we're not there, so we don't encounter the numbers of requests that others do.

I'm generally a pretty sharing person. I love my extended family and we get along well, and I have a great core group of friends. That said, it wouldn't like it if someone asked to use the house for their own vacation while we're not there unless we had invited them to. To me, asking directly feels like overstepping. If a friend or family member mentions wanting to visit the area or something similar, I've pretty much always offered the house, letting them know to reach out and we can arrange dates if they'd like at any time. But there have been a few exceptions, including a friend I suspected of cheating on her DH and wanting a private getaway (no shade but didn't want to sign up to be part of that) and my sister who has a lifelong habit of going though other people's closets and drawers. I've actually never had a friend or relative ask directly to use the house without my (or my DH) having offered, but absent an unusual reason (am thinking unpredictable things like extended family wedding happening in the same locale and hotels booked up, or friend needing space from spouse in bad situation), I wouldn't be crazy about the idea. As context, we had friends/family stay at the house about 6 weeks over the past year when we're not there. We cover the cost others have mentioned (keeping pool open later in season, cleaning and higher utilities).

I just really don't like the idea of being explicitly called upon to make judgements about whether I'd want someone to have access to a home of mine. It would be as though a friends and family members asked to stay in your house in DC to visit the capitol while you and your family were on vacation. With some people, it may be fine, but with others, no.

It isn't "overstepping" to ask a family member who you love and loves you back and has a vacation/second home if the place happens to be available at a time they want it. My siblings and my spouse's siblings do it all the time. And, sure, if I were out of town and a sibling wanted to stay in our DC rowhome and be a tourist I'd be fine with that too. In fact, I'd rather that than tour them around myself!

"Overstepping" implies a sort of formality to your family dynamic that we just don't have in ours.

Example: over the last few years my older brother and his wife have been renting a two bedroom place in Mexico for a month in the winter. It sets them back several thousand dollars -- very nice place. The first year they did it I invited myself along for a week (I'm early retired); this year they reached out and said "we're going back, you wanna visit again?" and I said "absolutely." Then when I show up I'll spring for all the dinners, etc. And, of course, they're always free to use our second home as well, whether we happen to be there or not.

This is how healthy families interact.

It’s genuinely nice to have an easy rapport, and you seem generous and easy-going. It sounds like extended family members use your second home freely, while you only visit them in theirs, but that the arrangement works for you.

Yes, arguably, healthier families do give-and-take without excessive tallying or formality. But the healthiest families allow each other to say no, too. What you’re helping illustrate is that the most important thing is to be at ease with whatever you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m generally a very nice person, but I wouldn’t allow this. I wouldn’t let any of my six younger siblings, their spouses, or kids vacation freely at my beach house, so why would I let a brother-in-law? It’s simply not their property, and I wouldn’t ask that of someone else, so they shouldn’t be asking me.

I come from a more collectivist Eastern European background, and even with that perspective, I still wouldn’t do this. At most, maybe for one or two of my own siblings—but definitely not for in-laws like a husband’s brother, mother, or sister. I don’t really understand why people are getting so worked up about it. The U.S. tends to emphasize individualism, and sometimes the reactions feel more about signaling moral superiority than genuine concern for family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m generally a very nice person, but I wouldn’t allow this. I wouldn’t let any of my six younger siblings, their spouses, or kids vacation freely at my beach house, so why would I let a brother-in-law? It’s simply not their property, and I wouldn’t ask that of someone else, so they shouldn’t be asking me.

I come from a more collectivist Eastern European background, and even with that perspective, I still wouldn’t do this. At most, maybe for one or two of my own siblings—but definitely not for in-laws like a husband’s brother, mother, or sister. I don’t really understand why people are getting so worked up about it. The U.S. tends to emphasize individualism, and sometimes the reactions feel more about signaling moral superiority than genuine concern for family.

So in Europe when a man marries he forgets his own family and never sees them again? Is that how it works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m generally a very nice person, but I wouldn’t allow this. I wouldn’t let any of my six younger siblings, their spouses, or kids vacation freely at my beach house, so why would I let a brother-in-law? It’s simply not their property, and I wouldn’t ask that of someone else, so they shouldn’t be asking me.

I come from a more collectivist Eastern European background, and even with that perspective, I still wouldn’t do this. At most, maybe for one or two of my own siblings—but definitely not for in-laws like a husband’s brother, mother, or sister. I don’t really understand why people are getting so worked up about it. The U.S. tends to emphasize individualism, and sometimes the reactions feel more about signaling moral superiority than genuine concern for family.

So in Europe when a man marries he forgets his own family and never sees them again? Is that how it works?

A man is now building his own household while still being part of his original one. That can create tension sometimes, especially if expectations from both sides are high—but the goal culturally isn’t separation, it’s balance.
So the idea isn’t “you abandon your family when you marry,” but more like: you now belong to two interconnected family units, and you’re expected to show loyalty and responsibility to both, but especially your family that you created as a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m generally a very nice person, but I wouldn’t allow this. I wouldn’t let any of my six younger siblings, their spouses, or kids vacation freely at my beach house, so why would I let a brother-in-law? It’s simply not their property, and I wouldn’t ask that of someone else, so they shouldn’t be asking me.

I come from a more collectivist Eastern European background, and even with that perspective, I still wouldn’t do this. At most, maybe for one or two of my own siblings—but definitely not for in-laws like a husband’s brother, mother, or sister. I don’t really understand why people are getting so worked up about it. The U.S. tends to emphasize individualism, and sometimes the reactions feel more about signaling moral superiority than genuine concern for family.

So your husbands money can contribute to purchasing the second home to which YOUR siblings could come but his siblings couldn't come because they aren't YOUR family. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, you people are really something else. Not only do you allow your family to use your empty vacation home -- you should actively offer it, and without expecting or demanding cleaning fees, paying for utilities etc. They're family. Presumably they return the favor in other ways. No need to keep score.

Well we know you the taker, user, manipulator is in this person's family!

OP, you and your spouse need to figure out your boundaries and rules now and spell those out to anyone who gets a free stay without you. There also need to be consequences if cannot follow those rules (don't let them use it again). There is so much at play. We don't know how close, trustworthy, gracious and responsible everyone is. As you can see from the above poster, some people are very entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m generally a very nice person, but I wouldn’t allow this. I wouldn’t let any of my six younger siblings, their spouses, or kids vacation freely at my beach house, so why would I let a brother-in-law? It’s simply not their property, and I wouldn’t ask that of someone else, so they shouldn’t be asking me.

I come from a more collectivist Eastern European background, and even with that perspective, I still wouldn’t do this. At most, maybe for one or two of my own siblings—but definitely not for in-laws like a husband’s brother, mother, or sister. I don’t really understand why people are getting so worked up about it. The U.S. tends to emphasize individualism, and sometimes the reactions feel more about signaling moral superiority than genuine concern for family.

Why is your family more important than your husband's? If he thought the same way as you your family couldn't come either. So strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, you people are really something else. Not only do you allow your family to use your empty vacation home -- you should actively offer it, and without expecting or demanding cleaning fees, paying for utilities etc. They're family. Presumably they return the favor in other ways. No need to keep score.

Well we know you the taker, user, manipulator is in this person's family!

OP, you and your spouse need to figure out your boundaries and rules now and spell those out to anyone who gets a free stay without you. There also need to be consequences if cannot follow those rules (don't let them use it again). There is so much at play. We don't know how close, trustworthy, gracious and responsible everyone is. As you can see from the above poster, some people are very entitled.

Um, I'm the family member WITH the home, so I'm the "giver" not the taker. You people never cease to amaze . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m generally a very nice person, but I wouldn’t allow this. I wouldn’t let any of my six younger siblings, their spouses, or kids vacation freely at my beach house, so why would I let a brother-in-law? It’s simply not their property, and I wouldn’t ask that of someone else, so they shouldn’t be asking me.

I come from a more collectivist Eastern European background, and even with that perspective, I still wouldn’t do this. At most, maybe for one or two of my own siblings—but definitely not for in-laws like a husband’s brother, mother, or sister. I don’t really understand why people are getting so worked up about it. The U.S. tends to emphasize individualism, and sometimes the reactions feel more about signaling moral superiority than genuine concern for family.

Why is your family more important than your husband's? If he thought the same way as you your family couldn't come either. So strange.

People love to flex about their dysfunctional families. It’s really strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are all of you really this miserable in real life?

These are not real people. They are play acting how they would act in real life if they had a 2nd home while in reality they don't even own a single home.

Really? It seems like most of our neighbors own two or three homes as do we. It is pretty common to own a second or third home for people living in more exclusive areas in northern Virginia. It just is.

Your mistake is assuming the posters here are your friends and neighbors.

+1

All the people shocked at the price of cleaning clearly don't own a nice vacation house, so honestly their opinions are worthless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is your husband's brother, and you won't be there, of course you let him stay.

+1
I cannot imagine saying no.

Then your in-laws are clearly nice, normal people. My husband would never let his sister and her family stay at our beach house. The place would be trashed and they wouldn't pay for anything. No thanks.