Reply to In laws wanting to use new vacation home

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "In laws wanting to use new vacation home"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We intentionally chose a second home pretty far away because we love the spot and it feels like a get-away in another world to us.  Thinking back, this has probably reduced the number of family members asking to use the house when we're not there, so we don't encounter the numbers of requests that others do.

I'm generally a pretty sharing person.  I love my extended family and we get along well, and I have a great core group of friends.  That said, it wouldn't like it if someone asked to use the house for their own vacation while we're not there unless we had invited them to.  To me, asking directly feels like overstepping.  If a friend or family member mentions wanting to visit the area or something similar, I've pretty much always offered the house, letting them know to reach out and we can arrange dates if they'd like at any time. But there have been a few exceptions, including a friend I suspected of cheating on her DH and wanting a private getaway (no shade but didn't want to sign up to be part of that) and my sister who has a lifelong habit of going though other people's closets and drawers. I've actually never had a friend or relative ask directly to use the house without my (or my DH) having offered, but absent an unusual reason (am thinking unpredictable things like extended family wedding happening in the same locale and hotels booked up, or friend needing space from spouse in bad situation), I wouldn't be crazy about the idea.  As context, we had friends/family stay at the house about 6 weeks over the past year when we're not there.  We cover the cost others have mentioned (keeping pool open later in season, cleaning and higher utilities).

I just really don't like the idea of being explicitly called upon to make judgements about whether I'd want someone to have access to a home of mine.  It would be as though a friends and family members asked to stay in your house in DC to visit the capitol while you and your family were on vacation. With some people, it may be fine, but with others, no.

[/quote]

It isn't "overstepping" to ask a family member who you love and loves you back and has a vacation/second home if the place happens to be available at a time they want it.  My siblings and my spouse's siblings do it all the time.  And, sure, if I were out of town and a sibling wanted to stay in our DC rowhome and be a tourist I'd be fine with that too.  In fact, I'd rather that than tour them around myself!

"Overstepping" implies a sort of formality to your family dynamic that we just don't have in ours.

Example:  over the last few years my older brother and his wife have been renting a two bedroom place in Mexico for a month in the winter.  It sets them back several thousand dollars -- very nice place.  The first year they did it I invited myself along for a week (I'm early retired); this year they reached out and said "we're going back, you wanna visit again?" and I said "absolutely."  Then when I show up I'll spring for all the dinners, etc.  And, of course, they're always free to use our second home as well, whether we happen to be there or not.

This is how healthy families interact. [/quote]

Sure, because yours is the only family that is healthy and knows how to interact. Seriously, though, I’d suggest that families are different, and I would respect each person‘s ability to make the best judgment on all kinds of situations based on their particular particular circumstances. I would never presume that, as you say, my family‘s way of doing things is the way that healthy families interact. Instead, I would assume that everyone is doing her best, navigating the families and friend groups that they have.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics