She wants a very high-quality man—what are her chances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of successful men want accomplished wives, even if they decide to SAH after kids.

No they do not. My father is a CEO (5M/yr) and he is married to my mother who is a wonderful/beautiful woman, but she was completely broke when they met. My father said he won a lifetime lottery.

[Anonymous]

Her chances are extremely low. The man qualities described are really rare - meaning there is a really low % of men fitting these criteria. To find such a rare man, you have to be out - social - a lot and have a large network. She sounds anti social (someone mentioned sounds slightly on the spectrum maybe). This is why hot sorority chicks are more likely to find these rare guys because they have large networks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious to hear perspectives on this woman’s chances with high-quality men:

Profile of the Woman:
-Early 20s
-Highly attractive (8–9/10), natural “clean soft girl” aesthetic for her husband
-Well-groomed but minimal makeup / low-maintenance; always clean and polished for her husband
-Quiet, introverted, very shy; very quiet in public
-Homebody, small social circle (has one best friend)
-Polite, very nice, empathetic, caring, people-pleasing, loyal, not manipulative or mean
-Limited dating history, hasn’t dated seriously, but has tried talking to guys online
-Won’t be social with in-laws initially; quiet unless spoken to, warms up gradually if she likes them
-Hates cooking and cleaning, but learning specifically to cook and maintain household perfectly for her future husband
-Lazy with her chores now, but will run a perfect household for her husband
-Excellent at hosting and organizing events
-Always intends to look attractive and well-presented for her husband
-Doesn’t drive (dislikes being out alone)
-Wants marriage/kids, traditional setup
-No specific hobbies, but would enjoy traveling and being a wife and mom
-Lifestyle goals: not super high maintenance

Type of Man She Wants:
-Doctor (cardiologist, orthopedic surgeon, anesthesiologist, pediatrician, etc.), high-earning entrepreneur, or other high-paying professional
-Comes from a good/wealthy family
-Well-educated, went to a good school
-Put-together, stable, takes the lead but values wife equally
-Has friends but not overly social/popular
-Charismatic but not over-the-top
-Relatively attractive, tall, great personality
-Family-oriented, prioritizes wife and children
-Medium work hours; flexible doctor or business owner
-Wants kids as soon as possible
-Will take the lead on finances but values her input for household and family decisions

Questions:
What are her realistic chances of attracting a man like this?
How much do her introverted, very quiet personality and lack of hobbies affect her desirability?
Does her lack of driving or career ambition matter at this level?
How does her selective domestic commitment (hates chores/cooking but perfect for husband, always well-groomed, hosting, caring) play in long-term marriage?
Any other traits or behaviors she should adopt to increase her chances?

Not judging—just genuinely curious what people have actually observed in real life.

Man's perspective here:

You seem to view yourself entirely as a prospective accessory to the man you want. You spend a lot of time talking about your appearance (and you seem to have a very high opinion of yourself) but nothing that makes you interesting or gives you any sort of personality. You sound kind of boring, frankly, and this assertion that you're going to suddenly overcome your inherent laziness to please a man is unconvincing. Your lack of ambition (except for landing a man who will knock you up ASAP) is not very attractive, either.

While it's fine to have standards, your ideal man is a fantasy or at the very least a unicorn. A high-earning doctor or entrepreneur is not likely to have "medium work hours" or have that flexible a job schedule; they are going to have high and constant professional demands. Your expectations for limited friends and charisma are also weird.

Do answer your specific questions:

-- Your chances aren't particularly realistic. Sorry, they're just not. Too many contradictions in your wish list, and ambitious, successful men generally want the same in a partner, and you've already said that's not you. You could be hot and demure as hell, and he'll shaboink you, but he isn't going to marry you.
-- You're not very interesting. Being an introvert isn't a strike. But the blah personality and lack of interests really is a turnoff.
-- As said, yes, your lack of drive is going to be a turnoff for the type of man you seek.
-- "Selective domestic commitment" = laziness. Huge turnoff. Hard pass.
-- To improve your chances, get a personality, get some interests, and develop a work ethic.

This.

[Anonymous]

Why does she want to get married?

Sounds like she can be true to herself by being single.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how she’d meet someone without a job or meaningful hobbies. If her family is very well off she could potentially meet people but the universe will be tiny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she can make her rich guy move to a cheaper cost of living country, they can have cook, cleaners, drivers, nannies etc.

Or if he has a “high enough” paying job here.

[Anonymous]

She sounds disabled to me. I do not care how hot she is.

[Anonymous]

OP here, update. So my younger cousin is home from school visiting, and we talked, and I told her everything that was said here. She still thinks she’s capable of finding that kind of man. I told her she needs to be more independent (like driving), and she said she’ll think about it and work on it later, when she actually needs to. She doesn’t really see the need to drive right now, but says if it becomes necessary in the future—like when she has kids and needs to handle school activities or emergencies—then she’ll learn. That’s mainly why she hasn’t prioritized it so far.

I also feel like I may have made her sound kind of helpless and bland, isn’t really accurate. She’s actually great with kids, very smart, self-aware, and aware of what’s going on around her and in the world. She’s always done really well in school too (4.0). She’s not clueless at all—she just lacks motivation when it comes to working or pursuing a career. The shyness is just part of her personality. She also doesn’t really have specific hobbies like yoga, sports, etc., but she is busy with school—she reads more in-depth material and does a lot of writing which she enjoys. Most of her time is spent doing schoolwork and spending time with family, so she’s not just wasting time. As for life skills like cooking and cleaning, she’s perfectly capable once she learns—she just didn’t have much experience before but is starting to learn now. She’s been asking me what kinds of meals men typically like, and I’ve been helping her learn how to cook—she’s actually doing really well with it.

You guys might assume, based on her age, that she’d be interested in someone her own age, but she’s actually very set on finding an older, more established man. She’s still very hopeful and set on this. She’s 21, a junior in college, and specifically interested in an older, more established man (she said up to ~15 years older but not much beyond that). She’s not really interested in guys her own age due to finances and just thinks they’re too young.

Her main question now is where she would even meet someone like this—like specific cities, places, or settings where older, established men tend to be. Are there certain apps, social scenes, or environments where this is more common? She says she’s willing to put in the effort to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Unless she herself comes from a very wealthy family, she’s screwed.

Also it sounds like she’s antisocial, not shy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget India. Forget the coasts and the 1.4mil avg suburbia spots.

Go to Utah!! And may the odds be ever in her favor

She better hurry up if she’s going to Utah. She’s going to be too old soon. Also, the easiest way to get a successful man in Utah is to attend BYU undergrad and she missed that. That’s how many of my relatives who married super successful men did it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, update. So my younger cousin is home from school visiting, and we talked, and I told her everything that was said here. She still thinks she’s capable of finding that kind of man. I told her she needs to be more independent (like driving), and she said she’ll think about it and work on it later, when she actually needs to. She doesn’t really see the need to drive right now, but says if it becomes necessary in the future—like when she has kids and needs to handle school activities or emergencies—then she’ll learn. That’s mainly why she hasn’t prioritized it so far.

I also feel like I may have made her sound kind of helpless and bland, isn’t really accurate. She’s actually great with kids, very smart, self-aware, and aware of what’s going on around her and in the world. She’s always done really well in school too (4.0). She’s not clueless at all—she just lacks motivation when it comes to working or pursuing a career. The shyness is just part of her personality. She also doesn’t really have specific hobbies like yoga, sports, etc., but she is busy with school—she reads more in-depth material and does a lot of writing which she enjoys. Most of her time is spent doing schoolwork and spending time with family, so she’s not just wasting time. As for life skills like cooking and cleaning, she’s perfectly capable once she learns—she just didn’t have much experience before but is starting to learn now. She’s been asking me what kinds of meals men typically like, and I’ve been helping her learn how to cook—she’s actually doing really well with it.

You guys might assume, based on her age, that she’d be interested in someone her own age, but she’s actually very set on finding an older, more established man. She’s still very hopeful and set on this. She’s 21, a junior in college, and specifically interested in an older, more established man (she said up to ~15 years older but not much beyond that). She’s not really interested in guys her own age due to finances and just thinks they’re too young.

Her main question now is where she would even meet someone like this—like specific cities, places, or settings where older, established men tend to be. Are there certain apps, social scenes, or environments where this is more common? She says she’s willing to put in the effort to make it happen.

So you want a sugar daddy? (Am ignoring the fiction that this is your cousin). You’re going to have to be more whore-like. Also, sugar daddies aren’t going to see you as marriage material.

Being a passenger princess is a huge turnoff for accomplished men. You can continue to fantasize about it, but it’s still not a realistic thing, at least not in a desirable location (like I could be wrong about the Alaskan oil fields where the men outnumber women like ten-to-one, but …)

My advice is figure out what you can do professionally with your degree and put those writing and analysis skills to work.

[Anonymous]

What’s your educational background?

If you have an ivy education and a 8/9 looks, absolutely.

What is your pedigree? Do you come from a good family background?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both lawyers - I’m an in-house lawyer at a large company and he’s a partner at a big firm. He’s definitely a high-quality man from my perspective, although he doesn’t meet all of the criteria you set. For example, he works more than medium hours, grew up middle class (not sure why that matters). But, he is a great husband and dad who is devoted to our family and he earns a lot of money.

Between my colleagues, DH’s colleagues, friends, neighbors, parents of our kids’ friends, etc., I know many married men who fall into this category. Not one of them is married to a woman remotely similar to the one you describe, OP. The overwhelming majority are married to a woman with a similar level of education. I know lots of two lawyer families, two doctor families, an MD and a PhD in a related field, a dentist and a Dr, etc. In most situations, both spouses work, but we also know a decent percentage where one (usually the wife) becomes a SAHP. I can also think of some where the husband is in a high earning profession and the wife was a teacher or a nurse and then became a SAHM after kids were born. But this is less common than the first scenario l.

I do not, however, know one “high quality” man who married a woman who never had a career and lacks basic life skills like driving a car. Sorry, OP, but I think she’s going to have a tough time.

I agree with this poster. I’m married to a so called high quality man. I am a SAHM now but when we met, I was in grad school. I was very ambitious and earned more than DH when we were married. We both had high earning demanding careers and we decided that I would stay home with the kids. DH earns a seven figure income.

Almost all the men we know met their spouses in school or work. As pp stated, two doctors, two lawyers, people who may have met when one was in law school and other was in med school.

My childhood best friend was like OP. All she wanted was to get married and be a SAHM. She loved kids, was not career oriented, and all she ever wanted to do was get married. She did get married but she never had kids. Now she is divorced and lives with her mom with no job at age 48.

[Anonymous]

A man is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

This is the wrong board to be asking for advice. She needs to be looking for a man in a deeply conservative area that wants a trad wife.

Honestly, she'll make someone a very compliant second wife. The question will be whether she wants to be a stepmother.