Why do people change their mind and want to remarry again?
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Anonymous
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Is she close to OP's age? If so, most of her friends in their late 40s are living with their spouse and kids and meanwhile she's living in a house all by herself, cooking for one. Hopefully, her friends and local family include her in holiday things and celebrate her birthday with her. Hopefully, they're the type of friends who will stop over to check on her house when she's out of town for an ice storm, or care for her dog when she travels for work. People in her situation need someone to drive them to a colonoscopy appointment or to the ER. For those who moved here for work and have no siblings or healthy parents nearby, it can be hard to live alone after you've experienced life living with your own family. Humans are social creatures and nothing in our society is set up for women nearing 50 to live alone, much less to go through old age alone. I wish we could all have the Golden Girls life surrounded by beloved friends just down the hall who have your back and share the load of life. Someone who stays up to make sure you got back safely from the airport after that delayed flight. Someone who checks on you and then tells you that you must go to the ER given your symptoms, and thereby saves your life. Someone who is there to hold you when you get a dreaded phone call with terrible news. None of that can happen with a person who isn't living in your home.
I don't think anyone who hasn't been through this has any credibility to opine on what they would do if they were in OP's GF's situation. All the smugly married people who say they'd never remarry have no idea how you'll feel when your children grow up and leave to make their own lives and you're completely on your own. |
Anonymous
| PP — I’m in my 50s, single and living a life better than anything i thought possible. I’ve had colonoscopy and booked a ride from the hospital. No biggie. 3 kids in the home with college on the horizon, looking and feeling amazing. Just a counterbalance to your doom and gloom. lol. |
Anonymous
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Just because more men leave the marriage when the wife gets ill than do women doesn't mean that marriage is not a more protective state than being single.
This is from the article referenced above: This was not the first study to show that a heterosexual marriage is more likely to end when a wife becomes seriously ill than when a husband does. In a study of married people diagnosed with a brain tumor or multiple sclerosis, the partner was more likely to be “abandoned” (in the authors’ words) when it was the wife who was ill. In those cases, 21 percent of the marriages ended. When it was the husband who became seriously ill, just 3 percent of the couples divorced. They found that 21 % of marriages ended when the wife got sick. That means that in 79% of marriages where the wife got sick, the husband stayed. Sure, not every spouse will stand by you through the hard times. But the odds are that they will. |
Anonymous
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"
PP — I’m in my 50s, single and living a life better than anything i thought possible. I’ve had colonoscopy and booked a ride from the hospital. No biggie. 3 kids in the home with college on the horizon, looking and feeling amazing. Just a counterbalance to your doom and gloom. lol." Try reading. You have 3 kids in the home. You have no idea what it will be like when they are all gone. No clue. |
Anonymous
| And BTW, what hospital offers that service? I'll share it with my many friends who face this challenge. |
Anonymous
Good points but that also goes for men, too. Many men find a partner sooner after being divorced or widowed than women. OP's opposition to living together is unusual. |
Anonymous
+1. I am 48. I live with my kids most of the time, ages 11 and 14. I won't be fully "alone" until I am 55 or later. I actually LOVE being alone and I am looking forward to that phase (although I think they may want to live at home after college). When I am super old, I might live with a family member for health reasons. Otherwise, I will be HAPPILY living alone. I have been divorced for 6 years. I will never live with a man ever again. Ever. |
Anonymous
Remarriage has been on the decline for decades. The divorced men I know personally in late 40s to mid fifites have not remarried and don't want to. About 20-30 years ago, most men remarried. Now? Not so much. "Since 2008, remarriage for men has declined 28%, while remarriage for women has had a slightly smaller decline of 23%." https://www.berenjifamilylaw.com/blog/fascinating-remarriage-statistics-2022-update/ |
Anonymous
Not that PP but calling an Uber or a friend is not hard. (and not a reason to be married...) |
Anonymous
I am someone who will never remarry who has commented on this thread. I am 48 (f) and have been divorced for 6 years. You don't know what you are talking about. Many people who are divorced don't want to remarry. It (marriage) was bad the first time...only a stupid person would put themselves into a marriage again. You can have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Cohabitating or remarrying is kind of stupid financially and legally past 40. You are not "buliding a life" at that point. You've made those decisions already. Just enjoying time with someone is all that is desirable. Overcomplicating it like you are in your 20s is completely immature and unecessary. Most divorced people I know share my position. There is a reason remarriage rates have gone done. It is just not worth it. Once is enough. |
Anonymous
You are asking why people change their minds. Have you actually never changed your mind? |
Anonymous
I guess if you have never felt lucky or privileged to be with someone you wouldn’t understand 🤷♀️ |
Anonymous
You do you. Plenty of us find meaning in marriage and living with the person we love. Calling is immature and unnecessary is the epitome of imaturity. |
Anonymous
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"Not that PP but calling an Uber or a friend is not hard. (and not a reason to be married...)"
There is no facility I know of in the DMV that allows you to have an Uber take you home after sedation. Not a single one. I asked for the PP to share that info because it would be fabulous if that does indeed exist around here. They ask you when you check in for the name of the person who brought you there and who will be the one they notify if there's a problem during the procedure. They ask for their cell number in case they can't find them in the waiting room when you're ready to be sent home. I'm guessing that people who think this is NBD aren't at an age when they do these with much frequency and don't have friends who are at that stage of life yet. I happen to be close to someone with a rare condition that requires a colonoscopy annually and our friend circle rotate driving him since he has no spouse, so I'm very famliar with how this works. And no, you cannot just call a friend. Well, if you happen to know lots of retired people or others who don't have day jobs, you probably won't feel comfortable asking a friend to take off work and use their PTO to drive you there and home. It takes at least half a day of PTO. And I've never worked for an employer (in govt, private, and non-profit sectors) that let me use sick leave to care for someone who is not a family member. So, you'd be asking your friend to use their precious vacation time to help you out. I'm not saying this is the reason to be remarry. But I think this is a great example of how society and real life are not set up for people who are single, especially as they age. |
Anonymous
You are correct. I had to hire somone and pay for their time to take my mom to such small procedures. It takes half a day But in my view, aging men are even more susceptible to loneliness and require more care early on. I wouldn’t want to be a primary caregiver to my partner if they categorically didn’t want to marry me. Just have your adult kids then arrange for all logistics and cook that chicken broth and tuck your duvet under your toes |