DH wants to pay for his older sister’s intervention and inpatient rehab

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a good person.

It's possible to be a good brother and a bad husband and father. When money is finite, you have to make tough choices about who you want to be. There will be consequences either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have multiple addicts in my family and no, we do not pay for the rehab.

Addiction is different than cancer, where everybody needs to help out.

An addict needs to take responsibility for themselves to recover. Saving them only enables them.

This. OP, I wouldn't agree to funding rehab. I might agree to fund the intervention 50/50 with the mom and then see where it goes from there. But honestly, the best kind of intervention might be SIL getting evicted and facing prospect of living on the street. Often addicts need to hit rock bottom before they will make changes. And if she does get evicted, is she going to live with your MIL? That might make your MIL pony-up for the rehab.

DP - none of this post is supported by evidence. People do NOT need to hit rock bottom before making positive changes. The less support someone has, the less successful their chances are for stable recovery. You think it's easy to recover when you've lost your home and your family hates you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have multiple addicts in my family and no, we do not pay for the rehab.

Addiction is different than cancer, where everybody needs to help out.

An addict needs to take responsibility for themselves to recover. Saving them only enables them.

This. OP, I wouldn't agree to funding rehab. I might agree to fund the intervention 50/50 with the mom and then see where it goes from there. But honestly, the best kind of intervention might be SIL getting evicted and facing prospect of living on the street. Often addicts need to hit rock bottom before they will make changes. And if she does get evicted, is she going to live with your MIL? That might make your MIL pony-up for the rehab.

DP - none of this post is supported by evidence. People do NOT need to hit rock bottom before making positive changes. The less support someone has, the less successful their chances are for stable recovery. You think it's easy to recover when you've lost your home and your family hates you?

NP but the probably more correct answer is that almost no one in this situation makes positive changes, whether they hit rock bottom or have family support. Either way, they're probably a complete lost cause. So you can spend your money on them, or not, and you're probably in the same place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have multiple addicts in my family and no, we do not pay for the rehab.

Addiction is different than cancer, where everybody needs to help out.

An addict needs to take responsibility for themselves to recover. Saving them only enables them.

This. OP, I wouldn't agree to funding rehab. I might agree to fund the intervention 50/50 with the mom and then see where it goes from there. But honestly, the best kind of intervention might be SIL getting evicted and facing prospect of living on the street. Often addicts need to hit rock bottom before they will make changes. And if she does get evicted, is she going to live with your MIL? That might make your MIL pony-up for the rehab.

DP - none of this post is supported by evidence. People do NOT need to hit rock bottom before making positive changes. The less support someone has, the less successful their chances are for stable recovery. You think it's easy to recover when you've lost your home and your family hates you?

Well, PP pointed out something that I can’t remember I said upthread. MIL has an extra bedroom and the funds to pay for intervention + rehab. So why is she not footing the bill here?

[Anonymous]

He has one sister, obviously this means a lot to him. Maybe she cannot work, addiction is BRAIN DISEASE. If she needed brain surgery and he wanted to pay would you object? Just think you may be able to save her.

[Anonymous]

If it was my SIL, I know that DH would never look at me the same if she died after I’d said, “No, don’t help her. I’ve worked since I was 12.”

Not worth the $70k to me to find out the extent of DH’s ability to forgive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has one sister, obviously this means a lot to him. Maybe she cannot work, addiction is BRAIN DISEASE. If she needed brain surgery and he wanted to pay would you object? Just think you may be able to save her.

But she doesn’t so completely irrelevant. And in any case, I would again expect that MIL pony up as opposed to us being responsible for the entire amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was my SIL, I know that DH would never look at me the same if she died after I’d said, “No, don’t help her. I’ve worked since I was 12.”

Not worth the $70k to me to find out the extent of DH’s ability to forgive.

Must be nice to have that kind of money.

[Anonymous]

Have him read the book Too Much. Not his or your problem to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was my SIL, I know that DH would never look at me the same if she died after I’d said, “No, don’t help her. I’ve worked since I was 12.”

Not worth the $70k to me to find out the extent of DH’s ability to forgive.

What a load of bs. Op wouldn't be responsible for his sister's death and if her dh took it that way, I would divorce him. Your attitude is sick and dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has one sister, obviously this means a lot to him. Maybe she cannot work, addiction is BRAIN DISEASE. If she needed brain surgery and he wanted to pay would you object? Just think you may be able to save her.

This isn't op's responsibility and it is a waste of $. I would consider divorce if my spouse insisted unless we had Bill Gates money.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a breaking pont in your marriage. I am very sorry. For whatever reason your DH cannot absorb reason and thinks he can save his sister.

Doing that will endanger your financial futures together or apart.

Unless he gets AlAnon boot camp he is doomed.

Get your money out, half of joint things is yours, and get a lawyer. This has no happy ending.

[Anonymous]

If were in OP's shoes I would say I am willing to help, but am unwilling to participate in the huge scam that 99% of the rehab industry is. Interventionists are among the most scammy; they regularly get kickbacks from rehabs they refer people to. Rehabs have abysmal recovery rates; they cover this up by saying relapses are an inevitable part of recovery. Maybe they just aren't very good, regardless of price, or just too busy reaping their scammy profits.

Step one of recovery is detox, after that it is maintenance. Unlike alcohol detox, opiate detox for an otherwise healthy person is not dangerous. This can be done for free at home if DH is willing to do 24/7 monitoring for ten days or so to make sure his sister doesn't attempt to leave to score opiates to counter the very unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. If he is that concerned, he should be willing to put in the work.

An alternative is that he can take her to the three-day rapid detox at the Coleman Institute in Richmond. This may be as much as $10,000, possibly less. Insurance may partially cover, but I would let MIL pay anything owed.

At the end of in home withdrawal or the rapid detox, the sister should immediately get a Vivitrol shot--even Medicaid pays for this. DH then should be all in on taking her in every month for a year for another injection and monitoring her for daily attendance at Narcotics Anonymous (not at all scammy and free, apart for nominal contributions at each meeting that the sister should pay) for 90 days, after which he can back off to two or three times a week.

I would present to DH my free (for OP and DH) rehab program to him, which likely has more than a ten times better chance of success.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have the money, there’s no question. He can help her find whatever services are available that mom can cover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If were in OP's shoes I would say I am willing to help, but am unwilling to participate in the huge scam that 99% of the rehab industry is. Interventionists are among the most scammy; they regularly get kickbacks from rehabs they refer people to. Rehabs have abysmal recovery rates; they cover this up by saying relapses are an inevitable part of recovery. Maybe they just aren't very good, regardless of price, or just too busy reaping their scammy profits.

Step one of recovery is detox, after that it is maintenance. Unlike alcohol detox, opiate detox for an otherwise healthy person is not dangerous. This can be done for free at home if DH is willing to do 24/7 monitoring for ten days or so to make sure his sister doesn't attempt to leave to score opiates to counter the very unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. If he is that concerned, he should be willing to put in the work.

An alternative is that he can take her to the three-day rapid detox at the Coleman Institute in Richmond. This may be as much as $10,000, possibly less. Insurance may partially cover, but I would let MIL pay anything owed.

At the end of in home withdrawal or the rapid detox, the sister should immediately get a Vivitrol shot--even Medicaid pays for this. DH then should be all in on taking her in every month for a year for another injection and monitoring her for daily attendance at Narcotics Anonymous (not at all scammy and free, apart for nominal contributions at each meeting that the sister should pay) for 90 days, after which he can back off to two or three times a week.

I would present to DH my free (for OP and DH) rehab program to him, which likely has more than a ten times better chance of success.

Thank you! And yes, there is where I was at. What got me pausing was the immediate step to the $45k option, instead of any discussion of other options, especially given we are working-class people (at least DH and I are, SIL and MIL do not work).