Dating at gender-lopsided universities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with some of the conclusions here. I have both boys and girls, so you won't catch me bashing either.

My daughter would love to be "asked out" in the old-fashioned way. Dinner, coffee, whatever. She's sick of "talking to" guys.

My son is definitely a bit afraid to ask out a girl and either be shot down or shamed. He has friends who are gay and bisexual, but he admits to being confused about whether it's OK to pursue a girl who has said she's bi.

I don’t really understand sort of extreme reactions like this.

My two sons attended DCPS and while they shrugged at some of the social engineering, neither felt oppressed or overwhelmed by the messaging. Maybe in the scheme of things DCPS isn’t that crazy.

Neither has ever had an issue reading social cues and asking women out…sometimes a rejection happens but I guess they ask out normal people because there is no public shaming.

I don't think he'd get shamed, either, but HE thinks he would!

I totally agree.

The guys (thanks to social media in my opinion) think they are going to be mocked and shamed if they make a misstep.

Social media has destroyed dating relationships.

Social media, and more specifically influencers and podcasters are feeding your children crap information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with some of the conclusions here. I have both boys and girls, so you won't catch me bashing either.

My daughter would love to be "asked out" in the old-fashioned way. Dinner, coffee, whatever. She's sick of "talking to" guys.

My son is definitely a bit afraid to ask out a girl and either be shot down or shamed. He has friends who are gay and bisexual, but he admits to being confused about whether it's OK to pursue a girl who has said she's bi.

I don’t really understand sort of extreme reactions like this.

My two sons attended DCPS and while they shrugged at some of the social engineering, neither felt oppressed or overwhelmed by the messaging. Maybe in the scheme of things DCPS isn’t that crazy.

Neither has ever had an issue reading social cues and asking women out…sometimes a rejection happens but I guess they ask out normal people because there is no public shaming.

I don't think he'd get shamed, either, but HE thinks he would!

I totally agree.

The guys (thanks to social media in my opinion) think they are going to be mocked and shamed if they make a misstep.

Social media has destroyed dating relationships.

My sons aren't big social media users and no surprise the girls they are interested in, are not either.

It's kind of bizarre to think that a normal person will somehow now out of the blue try to get their viral moment by posting about how they rejected someone asking them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been in school for a month and she has been asked out a couple of times by different guys. The same thing has occurred to two of her roommates. It is not as bleak as it sounds.

What kind of school? And how did she meet the guys? Can you share more? This has not been my daughter's experience at all and she's sort of bummed because she went to a girls' high school and hoped college would be a bit different.

She goes to a midsized school of 8k. The school had 5 days of orientation and she was able to meet numerous people during the various events. She also lives in a coed dorm and they had various activities. Being an active participant and engaging people, I think goes a long way.

Is this Northwestern? It sounds like my older child's experience.
My younger child goes to UVA and all the dorms are single gender by floor, they had 2 days of summer orientation in June etc. It's been really had to meet the opposite sex and no one they know is dating or really interacting with the opposite gender at all outside of parties which aren't great because everyone is drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with some of the conclusions here. I have both boys and girls, so you won't catch me bashing either.

My daughter would love to be "asked out" in the old-fashioned way. Dinner, coffee, whatever. She's sick of "talking to" guys.

My son is definitely a bit afraid to ask out a girl and either be shot down or shamed. He has friends who are gay and bisexual, but he admits to being confused about whether it's OK to pursue a girl who has said she's bi.

I don’t really understand sort of extreme reactions like this.

My two sons attended DCPS and while they shrugged at some of the social engineering, neither felt oppressed or overwhelmed by the messaging. Maybe in the scheme of things DCPS isn’t that crazy.

Neither has ever had an issue reading social cues and asking women out…sometimes a rejection happens but I guess they ask out normal people because there is no public shaming.

I don't think he'd get shamed, either, but HE thinks he would!

I totally agree.

The guys (thanks to social media in my opinion) think they are going to be mocked and shamed if they make a misstep.

Social media has destroyed dating relationships.

My sons aren't big social media users and no surprise the girls they are interested in, are not either.

It's kind of bizarre to think that a normal person will somehow now out of the blue try to get their viral moment by posting about how they rejected someone asking them out.

There has always been mean people but the new thing is it being broadcasted to thousands of people online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with some of the conclusions here. I have both boys and girls, so you won't catch me bashing either.

My daughter would love to be "asked out" in the old-fashioned way. Dinner, coffee, whatever. She's sick of "talking to" guys.

My son is definitely a bit afraid to ask out a girl and either be shot down or shamed. He has friends who are gay and bisexual, but he admits to being confused about whether it's OK to pursue a girl who has said she's bi.

I don’t really understand sort of extreme reactions like this.

My two sons attended DCPS and while they shrugged at some of the social engineering, neither felt oppressed or overwhelmed by the messaging. Maybe in the scheme of things DCPS isn’t that crazy.

Neither has ever had an issue reading social cues and asking women out…sometimes a rejection happens but I guess they ask out normal people because there is no public shaming.

I don't think he'd get shamed, either, but HE thinks he would!

I totally agree.

The guys (thanks to social media in my opinion) think they are going to be mocked and shamed if they make a misstep.

Social media has destroyed dating relationships.

My sons aren't big social media users and no surprise the girls they are interested in, are not either.

It's kind of bizarre to think that a normal person will somehow now out of the blue try to get their viral moment by posting about how they rejected someone asking them out.

It is the fear of being labeled as a creep but it is also bigger vs that. These viral moments reinforces the social construct- females are not interested in males approaching them, asking them out, interacting with them, etc. If you do approach a female you run the risk of being seen as a creep and no one is going to take your side. Most normal people will avoid this risk.

It is sad that people feel it is acceptable to shame awkward teens but it does have an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been in school for a month and she has been asked out a couple of times by different guys. The same thing has occurred to two of her roommates. It is not as bleak as it sounds.

What kind of school? And how did she meet the guys? Can you share more? This has not been my daughter's experience at all and she's sort of bummed because she went to a girls' high school and hoped college would be a bit different.

She goes to a midsized school of 8k. The school had 5 days of orientation and she was able to meet numerous people during the various events. She also lives in a coed dorm and they had various activities. Being an active participant and engaging people, I think goes a long way.

Is this Northwestern? It sounds like my older child's experience.
My younger child goes to UVA and all the dorms are single gender by floor, they had 2 days of summer orientation in June etc. It's been really had to meet the opposite sex and no one they know is dating or really interacting with the opposite gender at all outside of parties which aren't great because everyone is drunk.

WasU

[Anonymous]

This is better. Women should be free to study, go to class, work, go to the gym, and attend social events without the risk of being harassed or labeled a b- when we reject clumsy (and they are always clumsy) advances.

If I want to date someone, I am perfectly capable of asking. And I’m confident that when I do, whether or not I’m successful, it won’t be inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Subtract guys who barely speak English (stem) and gay guys (non-stem) and the odds get even worse.
I was at one of these colleges and guys really played the field. Fun for them.

I used to live in San Francisco, same issue. Every schlubby guy I knew who wanted a girlfriend had one, and all the amazing, beautiful, accomplished women I knew were single. I saw the writing on the wall and left in my thirties.

Men are not interested in “accomplished” women.

speak for yourself. as a man I love nothing more than a woman who is both hot and accomplished. my wife happens to be both. but a woman who is accomplished and not hot - I respect her accomplishment but would not want to date her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been in school for a month and she has been asked out a couple of times by different guys. The same thing has occurred to two of her roommates. It is not as bleak as it sounds.

What kind of school? And how did she meet the guys? Can you share more? This has not been my daughter's experience at all and she's sort of bummed because she went to a girls' high school and hoped college would be a bit different.

DP. My daughter lives off campus with her two best friends (seniors). The girls are great friends with the guys who live next door and some pairing off has happened. But it happened organically, by being friends first and then starting to date. I always tell her to try and start a relationship that way. Marry your best friend, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think some of you have kids in the trenches. My daughter and friends are all freshmen and most of them would be happy to date or hang out with any guy in the top 50% but no one asks them out or really pays them any attention. They go to darties or pre-game events and are ignored by the guys who just focus on the top 5%, STUNNING girls. There are easily 2-3 girls for every guy. Their academic lectures are generally 100+ and it's really hard to meet guys in those because no one talks pre or post lecture and they're not asking random girls out on their way out the door. Places like the gym are also 2:1 female. Then there are social and academic clubs but it's slow going there to meet anyone 1:1 and again a lot of girls. My daughter would say yes to a date with a guy in a heartbeat (and has no interest in the top 10% guys or bro culture at all) but guys don't pay any attention to her because she's just one of a sea of girls. It's the same for her roommate, hallmates, etc. They're getting asked out either. Same for her friends at other schools. There are all large universities private/public (Michigan, Georgetown, Vanderbilt, UVA, Wisconsin, Boston College, etc). It's very hard out there if you are pretty, smart, well dressed but not the hottest in the room.

The guys don't because they have been told that they are creeps for asking girls out unless the girl gives over the top signals or has a friend explicitly mentioned their interest.

The othe poster is correct. The girls only want the top 5% guys look wise and ignore the regular guys.

I have boys currently in high school and guys who spent their teen years during the tail end of "Me Too" when it started to get so extreme and anti man instead of just anti predator men.

My current high schoolers and friends are experiencing none of this. But my older boys, normal, smart, kind, normal attractive, have experiences closer to what I and other people described above. Throw in needing to be perfect on social media and the latest push to not even talk to anyone who is remotely moderate or conservative (which includes the majority of young men) then you have what we have now.

Your daughter might not care if a guy is a far left as she is, but when everything they see online say that young women should not date or talk to non liberal guys, then this is the natural outcome.

This is very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with some of the conclusions here. I have both boys and girls, so you won't catch me bashing either.

My daughter would love to be "asked out" in the old-fashioned way. Dinner, coffee, whatever. She's sick of "talking to" guys.

My son is definitely a bit afraid to ask out a girl and either be shot down or shamed. He has friends who are gay and bisexual, but he admits to being confused about whether it's OK to pursue a girl who has said she's bi.

I don’t really understand sort of extreme reactions like this.

My two sons attended DCPS and while they shrugged at some of the social engineering, neither felt oppressed or overwhelmed by the messaging. Maybe in the scheme of things DCPS isn’t that crazy.

Neither has ever had an issue reading social cues and asking women out…sometimes a rejection happens but I guess they ask out normal people because there is no public shaming.

I don't think he'd get shamed, either, but HE thinks he would!

I totally agree.

The guys (thanks to social media in my opinion) think they are going to be mocked and shamed if they make a misstep.

Social media has destroyed dating relationships.

Social media, and more specifically influencers and podcasters are feeding your children crap information.

+1
And judging by some of the over the top nonsense here on DCUM, many parents are also feeding their kids this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is better. Women should be free to study, go to class, work, go to the gym, and attend social events without the risk of being harassed or labeled a b- when we reject clumsy (and they are always clumsy) advances.

Yeah what's wrong with these guys who are 18 or so and make these clumsy advances? It's like they're totally lacking in experience or something.

Obviously we need a mandatory "how to make suave advances" class for high school boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is better. Women should be free to study, go to class, work, go to the gym, and attend social events without the risk of being harassed or labeled a b- when we reject clumsy (and they are always clumsy) advances.

Yeah what's wrong with these guys who are 18 or so and make these clumsy advances? It's like they're totally lacking in experience or something.

Obviously we need a mandatory "how to make suave advances" class for high school boys.

No, we really don’t. We need to normalize *not* making advances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is better. Women should be free to study, go to class, work, go to the gym, and attend social events without the risk of being harassed or labeled a b- when we reject clumsy (and they are always clumsy) advances.

Yeah what's wrong with these guys who are 18 or so and make these clumsy advances? It's like they're totally lacking in experience or something.

Obviously we need a mandatory "how to make suave advances" class for high school boys.

No, we really don’t. We need to normalize *not* making advances.

What's your alternative? This entire thread was started by someone who's daughter wants appropriate advances made.

I think what we need to normalize is that you make an appropriate advance (time, place, attitude, words, etc.), and if unsuccessful, both parties go about their lives un-aggrieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is better. Women should be free to study, go to class, work, go to the gym, and attend social events without the risk of being harassed or labeled a b- when we reject clumsy (and they are always clumsy) advances.

Yeah what's wrong with these guys who are 18 or so and make these clumsy advances? It's like they're totally lacking in experience or something.

Obviously we need a mandatory "how to make suave advances" class for high school boys.

No, we really don’t. We need to normalize *not* making advances.

Ummmm... so how do you expect dating, marriage, and reproduction to occur?