No birthday present- break up with him?

[Anonymous]

Gift-giving is not his language in any way. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, then split up.

[Anonymous]

Receiving gifts sure is most women's language funny how that works

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused at all the posters attacking OP by saying gift giving isn't a social norm. Since when? When you are invited to birthday parties or baby showers, do you not bring a gift?

We aren’t talking about giving gifts at a party, we are talking about gifts as a love language in a relationship…aka, someone who requires gifts to feel loved and they must be on the exact day and they must be of a certain kind…just spending money doesn’t count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.

OP here: I know- it’s so funny how I’m the villain until I reveal the ADHD part 😂

No, you're still childish to care so much about material gifts. But it's weird that you made it about the physical gift when clearly your problem involves more than that.

Of course it is about more than that! That is the entire point.

No it isn't. At first it seemed like he took her to dinner but gave no other gift. The problem is actually that he made no dinner plan until reminded, was late, and admitted he ran out of time for flowers. If he made and executed a perfect plan for a restaurant meal but there was no gift, that's not a problem IMO. But what OP described when she told the full story is not ok.

OP chose to focus on gifts for multiple posts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Receiving gifts sure is most women's language funny how that works

And physical affection / touch is men’s.

No matter how much progress society makes…men want women’s bodies and women want men’s wallets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Receiving gifts sure is most women's language funny how that works

Not most, no. But more than men, sure.

[Anonymous]

This is why chivalry worked back in the day. The woman was to be obedient, keep a welcoming house, and satisfy and meet her man’s needs and in return he gallantly opened doors, bought gifts, and swept her off her feet with his romantic acts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be the outlier here, but it’s an incredible feeling to receive a completely on point gift. It is a reflection of how much a person knows you, cares about knowing you, and showing you how much they care about knowing you.

Along the same lines, it’s an incredible feeling to GIVE a gift to someone that you know, that is completely on point, and watching their face light up when they receive it.

And this has nothing to do with costs of the gifts.

It’s a beautiful reciprocity in relationship and one that I really out in a lot of effort to cultivate in my marriage.

Signed, 40s divorced and remarried mom who does not agree to lowering standards in post divorce relationships.

The pressure to come up with the right gift multiple times a year takes the joy out of it. It becomes a tedious hamster wheel of escalation.

There are only 3 occasions a year - Christmas, bday and Valentine’s Day

The person who thinks they come up with the perfect gift, on schedule, 3 times per year has a partner who protects the gift giver’s feelings.

I agree. I highly doubt that 3 times a year this poster has left her man in a state of awe that the incredible and thoughtful gift she bought is just on point and exactly what he wanted without ever voicing it.

Part of the issue for us is that neither of us really need or want much at this point in life. If we happen to see an ‘on point’ item, we would just get it and give it then or at a birthday or Christmas if they were soon but we don’t really have anything on our gift wish lists. We do little thoughtful things throughout the year but there is no pressure to perform with finding a perfect gift on 3 specific dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why chivalry worked back in the day. The woman was to be obedient, keep a welcoming house, and satisfy and meet her man’s needs and in return he gallantly opened doors, bought gifts, and swept her off her feet with his romantic acts.

Seems like a really terrible deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why chivalry worked back in the day. The woman was to be obedient, keep a welcoming house, and satisfy and meet her man’s needs and in return he gallantly opened doors, bought gifts, and swept her off her feet with his romantic acts.

Until he got her, that stuff never lasted beyond the courtship. Not sure why we think it will now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

OP here. But isn’t this part the key?

You pick apart everything people say to prove that you are right.

Ok. You are right. Your boyfriend is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.

OP here: I know- it’s so funny how I’m the villain until I reveal the ADHD part 😂

Well, the "reveal" is that you're a troll, but entertaining so it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.

OP here: I know- it’s so funny how I’m the villain until I reveal the ADHD part 😂

No, you're still childish to care so much about material gifts. But it's weird that you made it about the physical gift when clearly your problem involves more than that.

Well, she's a troll. But if not, the ADHD part is just nonsense that she added in order to not seem like an immature, spoiled child.

[Anonymous]

I can't read 11 pages, just the first couple.
I guess gift giving is my love language and it's not for DH. But I do think "not on the day" is ok if travel is involved or there are say weekend plans in a day or so.
I do think dinner counts as a "gift."
Why weren't you together on Valentines btw? A week later? Maybe neither is really into this.
I give DH gifts. Sometimes I get one. He used to get me expensive jewelry but I have maxed out on that so usually it's a homemade card that is a lot more meaningful to me than a Hallmark one.
Married 40+ years. I miss gifts but he, his love, his care for me is the best gift of all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why chivalry worked back in the day. The woman was to be obedient, keep a welcoming house, and satisfy and meet her man’s needs and in return he gallantly opened doors, bought gifts, and swept her off her feet with his romantic acts.

Chivalry never really worked for women. Life has been very dangerous for women throughout history.