Wife won’t sleep with me

[Anonymous]

Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

[Anonymous]

And I thought his regularly peeing on the seat and floor plus leaving it was bad…

[Anonymous]

“It evaporates eventually”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s been more than a few years and we both work, now have two middle schoolers and did a big move to the area two years back.

I get frisky and initiate but she does not reciprocate. Once she got sad and said it’s because she is too hurt, something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up. I work very hard and am playing the long game at work. We also take great family vacations.

But is no sex a grounds for divorce? Sounds like she also is unhappy but about other stuff.

Maybe your wife needs more from you. So many men want to do the minimum but have sex all the time. Women are more emotional deal with it or divorce her and go find some girlfriend who you can emotionally ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them.

That whole “you clean up after the kids and not me” BS is the oldest trick in the book.

Why ain’t he parenting and teaching and cleaning up after his own kids?!

He wants YOU to solely take care of them AND him. Or else he be jealous and give up more. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them.

How big is that house? A 1800 sqft, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths takes 1-2 hours for two adults cleaning together.

It’s important to declutter as much as you can and try to keep things tidy during the weekend, like no dishes in the sink, wipe surfaces clean after cooking etc. We had a cleaner and she would finish everything in 4 hours, but she was thorough and taking her time.

The husband should help for sure, but there may be some underlying health issues (physical or mental) that make it so overwhelming and exhausting. It sucks to clean up after everyone, but unless you’re dealing with extreme circumstances, it shouldn’t be as debilitating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them.

How big is that house? A 1800 sqft, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths takes 1-2 hours for two adults cleaning together.

It’s important to declutter as much as you can and try to keep things tidy during the weekend, like no dishes in the sink, wipe surfaces clean after cooking etc. We had a cleaner and she would finish everything in 4 hours, but she was thorough and taking her time.

The husband should help for sure, but there may be some underlying health issues (physical or mental) that make it so overwhelming and exhausting. It sucks to clean up after everyone, but unless you’re dealing with extreme circumstances, it shouldn’t be as debilitating.

Good job missing the point. No one said it was "debilitating." The point is that it is demeaning for one partner to have to literally clean up the other partner's feces while he does nothing to help care for her or support her, and that this will kill a couple's sex life.

Maybe some women get off on feeling like the housekeeper but most of it don't scraping sh!t off the toilet bowl to be a turn on. Maybe you are just weird that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

…

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context.
But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. …

Wow. Totally understandable.
Such disrespectful, rude and disgusting behavior towards you.
There is really no excuse, and certainly not he was jealous the dependent toddlers were getting attention and not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them.

How big is that house? A 1800 sqft, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths takes 1-2 hours for two adults cleaning together.

It’s important to declutter as much as you can and try to keep things tidy during the weekend, like no dishes in the sink, wipe surfaces clean after cooking etc. We had a cleaner and she would finish everything in 4 hours, but she was thorough and taking her time.

The husband should help for sure, but there may be some underlying health issues (physical or mental) that make it so overwhelming and exhausting. It sucks to clean up after everyone, but unless you’re dealing with extreme circumstances, it shouldn’t be as debilitating.

He could be pooping in the sink and you'd still be concern trolling her that she's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them.

How big is that house? A 1800 sqft, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths takes 1-2 hours for two adults cleaning together.

It’s important to declutter as much as you can and try to keep things tidy during the weekend, like no dishes in the sink, wipe surfaces clean after cooking etc. We had a cleaner and she would finish everything in 4 hours, but she was thorough and taking her time.

The husband should help for sure, but there may be some underlying health issues (physical or mental) that make it so overwhelming and exhausting. It sucks to clean up after everyone, but unless you’re dealing with extreme circumstances, it shouldn’t be as debilitating.

Good job missing the point. No one said it was "debilitating." The point is that it is demeaning for one partner to have to literally clean up the other partner's feces while he does nothing to help care for her or support her, and that this will kill a couple's sex life.

Maybe some women get off on feeling like the housekeeper but most of it don't scraping sh!t off the toilet bowl to be a turn on. Maybe you are just weird that way.

The description made it seem debilitating enough that the poster couldn’t function normally. Not blaming the PP but if chips crumbs, food splashes and dirty footprints are so triggering, then maybe there are deeper issues at play like being burned out, depressed. That doesn’t excuse the husband which is very inconsiderate and should do even more in that case.

Somebody has to clean the shit stains, in most families the unpleasant chores are divided to a varying degree. I don’t think it’s demeaning to do them, but it’s a matter of fairness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them.

How big is that house? A 1800 sqft, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths takes 1-2 hours for two adults cleaning together.

It’s important to declutter as much as you can and try to keep things tidy during the weekend, like no dishes in the sink, wipe surfaces clean after cooking etc. We had a cleaner and she would finish everything in 4 hours, but she was thorough and taking her time.

The husband should help for sure, but there may be some underlying health issues (physical or mental) that make it so overwhelming and exhausting. It sucks to clean up after everyone, but unless you’re dealing with extreme circumstances, it shouldn’t be as debilitating.

He could be pooping in the sink and you'd still be concern trolling her that she's the problem.

This made me laugh, because it’s completely accurate.

Poop stains PP, you expressed yourself really well and I am proud of you for working so hard on your marriage. It’s actually given me some food for thought because my husband has made comments that border on feeling jealous of the kids, and it’s been some really serious stuff (big diagnosis for one of them in particular) that sort of snapped him out of it, though he was never as revolting or clueless as you described. Best of luck with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the poop & hair daily deep cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the deep poop & hair cleaning lady wife above divorced?

She cited 10 years of marriage so maybe that was the stint….

That's me and no we are not divorced yet. We are in couples therapy and we are in the process of hiring a regular cleaning person (something I had to fight tooth and nail for and finally got him to agree to in therapy).

I will also note that he was not always like this -- he lived alone before we got married and his house was pretty clean. Not spotless, but not gross, and for instance he cleaned his own bathroom. I knew going in that he had an allergy to the vacuum cleaner and was fine being the person who vacuums. But I had no idea how bad it would get.

One thing that happened, that I think is interesting, is that when we had kids he reduced how much he cleaned more and more until he was doing virtually nothing. In therapy, one thing he has talked about is feeling envy of our kids and all I do for them, like seeing me cleaning up after our DD and helping her get dressed, cleaning her room, preparing meals for her, etc. And how sometimes he sees this and instead of thinking "wow my wife loves our daughter so much, that is sweet," he thinks, "hey, how come she doesn't take care of ME that way."

Hearing this was wild and alarming, because the child in question is a toddler. And I'm also insanely burnt out from parenting two kids like that through baby and toddlerhood, and have been talking about how burnt out I am for years and asking him to help me care for them for years, and all this time he's been watching this unfold and not feeling guilt, but ENVY at how I take care of our kids.

This kind of clicked something into place for me, I think this is why his cleaning and household responsibility has been declining since our kids were born. I had previously thought it was just overwhelm to the stress of being working parents, which I also feel, and that he was having some kind of freeze response. But now I think on some level he saw me taking care of our kids and decided to opt in to being another creature for me to take care of in that way. And at the same time, no one was stepping up to care for me, I feel so abandoned as a human being at this point because I've been working so hard for so many years.

And linking this all back to sex drive. I want to be clear, I'm not intentionally withholding sex from my husband. It's not like I want to have sex or am even neutral about it and just think "no, I'm mad at him, I refuse." I actually wish I was having sex at least some in my life, and I'm still physically attracted to my husband outside all this context. But in context, I feel so used and demeaned in my life that I simply cannot have sex. My body does not turn on in that way, I cannot experience sexual arousal. We'll watch a sexy movie and my husband will get in the mood and I feel nothing. It would not be possible for me to have sex in this state, it would be painful and horrible. So this is not some tit for tat competition here. My sex drive is DEAD. I wish it was not, but I do think it is closely linked to my level of stress and just feeling like I spend every waking hour either working (where I have to serve and help others all day) or cleaning and caring for my family, and the sexual side of me has shut down.

I am hoping getting a cleaner this fall will help and allow me to feel like a person. Sex is not my first priority at that point (I'd like to start working out and sleeping more first, both things I've struggled to find time for the last few years), but I am hoping that with time if I can stop feeling like a domestic servant, we can shift things. My DH is also doing solo therapy and I also hope that his growing awareness of the way in which he has helped turn me into a domestic servant can help change his behavior towards me, as well, and sex might be on the table at that point. Our kids are very young and I don't want to give up on our marriage yet, as the thought of separating our household when our youngest isn't even in school yet is very upsetting to me. I want better for them.

How big is that house? A 1800 sqft, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths takes 1-2 hours for two adults cleaning together.

It’s important to declutter as much as you can and try to keep things tidy during the weekend, like no dishes in the sink, wipe surfaces clean after cooking etc. We had a cleaner and she would finish everything in 4 hours, but she was thorough and taking her time.

The husband should help for sure, but there may be some underlying health issues (physical or mental) that make it so overwhelming and exhausting. It sucks to clean up after everyone, but unless you’re dealing with extreme circumstances, it shouldn’t be as debilitating.

Good job missing the point. No one said it was "debilitating." The point is that it is demeaning for one partner to have to literally clean up the other partner's feces while he does nothing to help care for her or support her, and that this will kill a couple's sex life.

Maybe some women get off on feeling like the housekeeper but most of it don't scraping sh!t off the toilet bowl to be a turn on. Maybe you are just weird that way.

The description made it seem debilitating enough that the poster couldn’t function normally. Not blaming the PP but if chips crumbs, food splashes and dirty footprints are so triggering, then maybe there are deeper issues at play like being burned out, depressed. That doesn’t excuse the husband which is very inconsiderate and should do even more in that case.

Somebody has to clean the shit stains, in most families the unpleasant chores are divided to a varying degree. I don’t think it’s demeaning to do them, but it’s a matter of fairness.

Unless there is a disability or other extenuating circumstances, adults should clean up their own poop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol, you don’t know why she says no but she says “ something about how I’m not helping run the family and then I get angry when it’s brought up” so maybe if you don’t get angry when she tells you she is caring for the entire and wants help, maybe start there. Besides cleaning, plan and cook some meals, organize a family outing or cart kids around to activities could be a place to start

Yeah, it’s really smart to have sex with your husband conditional on helping with cleaning and cooking. Not having sex for years will definitely help him see your perspective.

Clearly the household chores should be shared, but it depends on career choices financial considerations etc.

Then you’ll figure out he is getting it elsewhere and feel betrayed that he wanted something else.

No, it doesn't. If you are not a true partner to your spouse in running the household and caring for your family, you are failing them.