Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't know any divorced parents who are good parents. It's an inherently selfish choice and it shows in how they treat their children.

I know a bunch. This is myopic.

That was the most insane comment I’ve ever seen. I’ve also seen a bunch of fantastic divorced parents, including my mom.
It’s much more damaging to kids to stay in a toxic relationship than to get divorced.

It’s probably more damaging to kids to have a mom who can’t read. The study which this entire topic is about says the exact opposite.

You can believe every study out there if you want but it’s kind of like trusting every poll that comes out there, and we know how that worked out.
You’re not going to convince me that if the father is an abuser, that having your kids witness that and staying in the marriage, benefits them. No way. No thanks

Exactly no one is trying to convince you (or anyone) of that, you nitwit.

Um, you obviously haven’t been reading this thread, dummy.

Literally every single person who has said that divorce is taken too lightly these days has made exceptions for cases of abuse. I’m sorry you lack reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the paper but I always tell the kids the most important decision they will make in life is who they marry. They spend years learning book work, but not much learning how to know who to marry. Teach them with this before they are older and not listening to you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

I know so many people who made the same gloating statements and ended up divorced.

This. How old are you, OP?

Late 50’s, semi-retired and married for 30+ years with wonderful children. Both sets of parents are still alive and happily married. All of the grandparents were happily married until they passed away. Our kids seem to be in healthy relationships.

Actual OP here and I am none of those things. PP, why would you respond as OP? The question was for OP.

I’m OP and I’m mid-40s, DH and I both work, 2 kids. I am a child of divorce and it had a huge impact on me and on my sister (I was 4, she was 7 at the time of divorce). DH’s parents still married. He and his sister had an easier time of absolutely everything. Divorce still impacts our lives for holidays and stuff. We’re closer to DH’s parents because there’s less fuss and expectation vs. my mom/stepfather and my dad/steopmom. They each also have kids so it’s a holiday mess. Lots of things are more complicated. I am by no means unaware of the fact that in some cases, divorce is truly necessary and better for absolutely everyone. But it IS taken way too lightly, and frankly selfish parents just say kids are resilient, now you have two Christmases blah blah blah because they refuse to take responsibility for the fact that they messed their kids up and imploded a family.

This.

Divorce is a problem than ruins the family structure forever.

Eh, some family structures aren’t worth preserving. If you don’t understand that, I’m (truly) happy for you. But I also wouldn’t take your advice on the subject.

- happily married child of divorced parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

I know so many people who made the same gloating statements and ended up divorced.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

I know so many people who made the same gloating statements and ended up divorced.

This. How old are you, OP?

Late 50’s, semi-retired and married for 30+ years with wonderful children. Both sets of parents are still alive and happily married. All of the grandparents were happily married until they passed away. Our kids seem to be in healthy relationships.

Actual OP here and I am none of those things. PP, why would you respond as OP? The question was for OP.

I’m OP and I’m mid-40s, DH and I both work, 2 kids. I am a child of divorce and it had a huge impact on me and on my sister (I was 4, she was 7 at the time of divorce). DH’s parents still married. He and his sister had an easier time of absolutely everything. Divorce still impacts our lives for holidays and stuff. We’re closer to DH’s parents because there’s less fuss and expectation vs. my mom/stepfather and my dad/steopmom. They each also have kids so it’s a holiday mess. Lots of things are more complicated. I am by no means unaware of the fact that in some cases, divorce is truly necessary and better for absolutely everyone. But it IS taken way too lightly, and frankly selfish parents just say kids are resilient, now you have two Christmases blah blah blah because they refuse to take responsibility for the fact that they messed their kids up and imploded a family.

This.

Divorce is a problem than ruins the family structure forever.

Eh, some family structures aren’t worth preserving. If you don’t understand that, I’m (truly) happy for you. But I also wouldn’t take your advice on the subject.

- happily married child of divorced parents

Yep. My dad was an addict and the day he moved out ahead of my parents divorce was hands down one of the happiest days of my life to that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know any divorced parents who are good parents. It's an inherently selfish choice and it shows in how they treat their children.

I know a bunch. This is myopic.

That was the most insane comment I’ve ever seen. I’ve also seen a bunch of fantastic divorced parents, including my mom.
It’s much more damaging to kids to stay in a toxic relationship than to get divorced.

It’s probably more damaging to kids to have a mom who can’t read. The study which this entire topic is about says the exact opposite.

The study doesn’t compare divorced families to toxic marriages. It compares divorced families to married families as a whole. While it is an interesting study and reinforces other studies that say that children of divorce face risks, it doesn’t say whether there is an identifiable group of children whose parents stay married who face similar risks, it also doesn’t address whether there are strategies that ameliorate those risks. So, while it’s a starting place it isn’t particularly helpful to either individuals making decisions or governments making policy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the paper but I always tell the kids the most important decision they will make in life is who they marry. They spend years learning book work, but not much learning how to know who to marry. Teach them with this before they are older and not listening to you.

I agree with this. It's also why I made sure to not marry a scrub. I want my dds and ds to see what a wonderful husband and father their dad is. And to not settle for any less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the paper but I always tell the kids the most important decision they will make in life is who they marry. They spend years learning book work, but not much learning how to know who to marry. Teach them with this before they are older and not listening to you.

I don’t agree with this. I think the most important (in terms of impact on your quality of life) decisions are about whether, when and with whom to have children, which may or may not be connected to getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the paper but I always tell the kids the most important decision they will make in life is who they marry. They spend years learning book work, but not much learning how to know who to marry. Teach them with this before they are older and not listening to you.

I agree 100%. Plus, learning how to be a good partner is essential, not just in marriage but in every other relationship.

[Anonymous]

Too many women don't look down the road.

In my 60s now, I could predict with about 80% accuracy who would be married 30 years later. I mean I knew it at the weddings. These men weren't hiding who they were.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

DP here. Adult product of divorce. And I’m an adult and have fully dealt with my childhood. Don’t brush off the divorce like it’s nothing. It leaves scars. Nothing your kid can’t handle but he is having to handle it. Respect that.

I have never brushed it off like it’s nothing. Please get therapy, or maybe unpack your issues with your own parents. I’m doing the best I can do for my kid.

I don’t need therapy and I don’t have any issues to unpack. That was all done a long time ago. PPs, including you, don’t like to hear that divorce does damage. It does and that’s how it is. But, it’s all on a sliding scale. It’s likely that staying in the marriage would cause more damage. While a childhood might be fractured, happier single parents may be a better option than living in a war zone. I’m sure you are doing the best you can for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the paper but I always tell the kids the most important decision they will make in life is who they marry. They spend years learning book work, but not much learning how to know who to marry. Teach them with this before they are older and not listening to you.

This is true. But it’s so hard to pick well. Many people many in their 20s having only known each other 1-3 yrs, with very little hardship in their lives thus far. Life takes a lot of different turns and you just don’t know how someone will change, how they will cope with devastation and adversities, huge responsibilities, how they will parent, etc. The best we can do as parents is imprint on our children the importance of picking a spouse being a cognitive decision and not just “in love”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the paper but I always tell the kids the most important decision they will make in life is who they marry. They spend years learning book work, but not much learning how to know who to marry. Teach them with this before they are older and not listening to you.

This is true. But it’s so hard to pick well. Many people many in their 20s having only known each other 1-3 yrs, with very little hardship in their lives thus far. Life takes a lot of different turns and you just don’t know how someone will change, how they will cope with devastation and adversities, huge responsibilities, how they will parent, etc. The best we can do as parents is imprint on our children the importance of picking a spouse being a cognitive decision and not just “in love”

Telling the child that’s their biggest decision- no way in my opinion because they may decide marriage isn’t for them, also.

[Anonymous]

The problem with “choosing the right partner” is that you don’t know how someone is going to be down the line. There is no way to predict. Although I am still pretty happily married-my husband is entirely different than he was 20 years ago when we met. Not all in positive ways either. Sometimes it takes a good amount of years to see who someone truly is. And this happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

DP here. Adult product of divorce. And I’m an adult and have fully dealt with my childhood. Don’t brush off the divorce like it’s nothing. It leaves scars. Nothing your kid can’t handle but he is having to handle it. Respect that.

I have never brushed it off like it’s nothing. Please get therapy, or maybe unpack your issues with your own parents. I’m doing the best I can do for my kid.

I don’t need therapy and I don’t have any issues to unpack. That was all done a long time ago. PPs, including you, don’t like to hear that divorce does damage. It does and that’s how it is. But, it’s all on a sliding scale. It’s likely that staying in the marriage would cause more damage. While a childhood might be fractured, happier single parents may be a better option than living in a war zone. I’m sure you are doing the best you can for your kid.

Please look within yourself and figure out why you need for single mothers to feel bad. If you are so great, and your life is so great, and your marriage is so great, and your kid is so great (better than those poor kids of single moms), why do you feel the need to punch down? Some of you people posting in this thread are just so cruel, I hope you are not my neighbors/parents of my kids friends.

There is no way to make you people happy. If a single mom says that she puts her kid first, does activities, cooks from scratch, keeps a clean house etc, then someone comes along to tell her it's bad to basically be spending all your time parenting and working. But I guarantee if that same mom was like "oh, I take a relaxed approach, kids are resilient" people would come to crucify her. If you're a single mom, and you say your child is probably doing just fine because of various factors (involved grandparents, mom with flexible work schedule who can attend all events, not having had to move house so keeping the same school/friends etc), especially compared to kids who are living in poverty, someone comes along to vilify you for "taking divorce lightly".