Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

I used to fantasize that my parents would divorce. My mom married an alcoholic who returned from Vietnam wrecked, addicted and traumatized. As an adolescent I had a realistic escape plan to move in with my maternal grandparents.

I know I’d have had a better life if they’d divorced but instead they stayed together “for the kids.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was interesting and insightful: a study on the economic and social impacts of divorce. For children whose parents divorce when they are young, more likely to experience teen pregnancy, jail and early death, less earning potential:

https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/baltimore/news/children-divorce-finance-economy-university-of-maryland/

And how does that compare to children whose parents stay together despite dysfunctionality and hating each other?

If they can’t make those comparisons, I am not interested in these findings.

NP.

I expect the OP’s interesting post will be universally attacked on DCUMAD (but thank you for posting anyway, op).

The bitter women who haunt this forum are always itching to launch scathing attacks on anything they can somehow paint as “misogynistic” even when it’s simply science or facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was interesting and insightful: a study on the economic and social impacts of divorce. For children whose parents divorce when they are young, more likely to experience teen pregnancy, jail and early death, less earning potential:

https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/baltimore/news/children-divorce-finance-economy-university-of-maryland/

And how does that compare to children whose parents stay together despite dysfunctionality and hating each other?

If they can’t make those comparisons, I am not interested in these findings.

NP.

I expect the OP’s interesting post will be universally attacked on DCUMAD (but thank you for posting anyway, op).

The bitter women who haunt this forum are always itching to launch scathing attacks on anything they can somehow paint as “misogynistic” even when it’s simply science or facts.

Before voicing any more attacks of your own, perhaps learn what science and facts are. Some shady study such as the one OP posted is neither of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with “choosing the right partner” is that you don’t know how someone is going to be down the line. There is no way to predict. Although I am still pretty happily married-my husband is entirely different than he was 20 years ago when we met. Not all in positive ways either. Sometimes it takes a good amount of years to see who someone truly is. And this happens all the time.

Really? You honestly think there is absolutely no way to predict how someone is likely to be going down the line?

I think you might mean there are no guarantees. But you can absolutely predict, with reasonable accuracy, how a person is likely to behave in the future. You have also changed over the past 20 years, just FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

DP here. Adult product of divorce. And I’m an adult and have fully dealt with my childhood. Don’t brush off the divorce like it’s nothing. It leaves scars. Nothing your kid can’t handle but he is having to handle it. Respect that.

I have never brushed it off like it’s nothing. Please get therapy, or maybe unpack your issues with your own parents. I’m doing the best I can do for my kid.

I don’t need therapy and I don’t have any issues to unpack. That was all done a long time ago. PPs, including you, don’t like to hear that divorce does damage. It does and that’s how it is. But, it’s all on a sliding scale. It’s likely that staying in the marriage would cause more damage. While a childhood might be fractured, happier single parents may be a better option than living in a war zone. I’m sure you are doing the best you can for your kid.

Please look within yourself and figure out why you need for single mothers to feel bad. If you are so great, and your life is so great, and your marriage is so great, and your kid is so great (better than those poor kids of single moms), why do you feel the need to punch down? Some of you people posting in this thread are just so cruel, I hope you are not my neighbors/parents of my kids friends.

There is no way to make you people happy. If a single mom says that she puts her kid first, does activities, cooks from scratch, keeps a clean house etc, then someone comes along to tell her it's bad to basically be spending all your time parenting and working. But I guarantee if that same mom was like "oh, I take a relaxed approach, kids are resilient" people would come to crucify her. If you're a single mom, and you say your child is probably doing just fine because of various factors (involved grandparents, mom with flexible work schedule who can attend all events, not having had to move house so keeping the same school/friends etc), especially compared to kids who are living in poverty, someone comes along to vilify you for "taking divorce lightly".

You might be a narcissist. Stop trying to make this entire thread about YOU. You’re not the only divorced person in the world FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

DP here. Adult product of divorce. And I’m an adult and have fully dealt with my childhood. Don’t brush off the divorce like it’s nothing. It leaves scars. Nothing your kid can’t handle but he is having to handle it. Respect that.

I have never brushed it off like it’s nothing. Please get therapy, or maybe unpack your issues with your own parents. I’m doing the best I can do for my kid.

I don’t need therapy and I don’t have any issues to unpack. That was all done a long time ago. PPs, including you, don’t like to hear that divorce does damage. It does and that’s how it is. But, it’s all on a sliding scale. It’s likely that staying in the marriage would cause more damage. While a childhood might be fractured, happier single parents may be a better option than living in a war zone. I’m sure you are doing the best you can for your kid.

Please look within yourself and figure out why you need for single mothers to feel bad. If you are so great, and your life is so great, and your marriage is so great, and your kid is so great (better than those poor kids of single moms), why do you feel the need to punch down? Some of you people posting in this thread are just so cruel, I hope you are not my neighbors/parents of my kids friends.

There is no way to make you people happy. If a single mom says that she puts her kid first, does activities, cooks from scratch, keeps a clean house etc, then someone comes along to tell her it's bad to basically be spending all your time parenting and working. But I guarantee if that same mom was like "oh, I take a relaxed approach, kids are resilient" people would come to crucify her. If you're a single mom, and you say your child is probably doing just fine because of various factors (involved grandparents, mom with flexible work schedule who can attend all events, not having had to move house so keeping the same school/friends etc), especially compared to kids who are living in poverty, someone comes along to vilify you for "taking divorce lightly".

You might be a narcissist. Stop trying to make this entire thread about YOU. You’re not the only divorced person in the world FFS.

+1. And repeatedly shouting down someone who wants to talk about the ways in which their parents divorce harmed them because it makes single moms "feel bad" is really at odds with the message that single mothers are all amazing parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

DP here. Adult product of divorce. And I’m an adult and have fully dealt with my childhood. Don’t brush off the divorce like it’s nothing. It leaves scars. Nothing your kid can’t handle but he is having to handle it. Respect that.

I have never brushed it off like it’s nothing. Please get therapy, or maybe unpack your issues with your own parents. I’m doing the best I can do for my kid.

I don’t need therapy and I don’t have any issues to unpack. That was all done a long time ago. PPs, including you, don’t like to hear that divorce does damage. It does and that’s how it is. But, it’s all on a sliding scale. It’s likely that staying in the marriage would cause more damage. While a childhood might be fractured, happier single parents may be a better option than living in a war zone. I’m sure you are doing the best you can for your kid.

Please look within yourself and figure out why you need for single mothers to feel bad. If you are so great, and your life is so great, and your marriage is so great, and your kid is so great (better than those poor kids of single moms), why do you feel the need to punch down? Some of you people posting in this thread are just so cruel, I hope you are not my neighbors/parents of my kids friends.

There is no way to make you people happy. If a single mom says that she puts her kid first, does activities, cooks from scratch, keeps a clean house etc, then someone comes along to tell her it's bad to basically be spending all your time parenting and working. But I guarantee if that same mom was like "oh, I take a relaxed approach, kids are resilient" people would come to crucify her. If you're a single mom, and you say your child is probably doing just fine because of various factors (involved grandparents, mom with flexible work schedule who can attend all events, not having had to move house so keeping the same school/friends etc), especially compared to kids who are living in poverty, someone comes along to vilify you for "taking divorce lightly".

You might be a narcissist. Stop trying to make this entire thread about YOU. You’re not the only divorced person in the world FFS.

+1. And repeatedly shouting down someone who wants to talk about the ways in which their parents divorce harmed them because it makes single moms "feel bad" is really at odds with the message that single mothers are all amazing parents.

+2 — from an amazing mom, except when my children needed their father in the house. No, I hadn’t married an alcoholic or an abuser or anything horrific like that.

I had simply been convinced that my children and I would be better off without him. I was a “feminist” back then.

I could not have been more wrong. Teach your children how to be better partners and how mutual sacrifice is essential. Teach them how to choose more wisely, and what really matters. It’s not looks or wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

DP here. Adult product of divorce. And I’m an adult and have fully dealt with my childhood. Don’t brush off the divorce like it’s nothing. It leaves scars. Nothing your kid can’t handle but he is having to handle it. Respect that.

I have never brushed it off like it’s nothing. Please get therapy, or maybe unpack your issues with your own parents. I’m doing the best I can do for my kid.

I don’t need therapy and I don’t have any issues to unpack. That was all done a long time ago. PPs, including you, don’t like to hear that divorce does damage. It does and that’s how it is. But, it’s all on a sliding scale. It’s likely that staying in the marriage would cause more damage. While a childhood might be fractured, happier single parents may be a better option than living in a war zone. I’m sure you are doing the best you can for your kid.

Please look within yourself and figure out why you need for single mothers to feel bad. If you are so great, and your life is so great, and your marriage is so great, and your kid is so great (better than those poor kids of single moms), why do you feel the need to punch down? Some of you people posting in this thread are just so cruel, I hope you are not my neighbors/parents of my kids friends.

There is no way to make you people happy. If a single mom says that she puts her kid first, does activities, cooks from scratch, keeps a clean house etc, then someone comes along to tell her it's bad to basically be spending all your time parenting and working. But I guarantee if that same mom was like "oh, I take a relaxed approach, kids are resilient" people would come to crucify her. If you're a single mom, and you say your child is probably doing just fine because of various factors (involved grandparents, mom with flexible work schedule who can attend all events, not having had to move house so keeping the same school/friends etc), especially compared to kids who are living in poverty, someone comes along to vilify you for "taking divorce lightly".

You might be a narcissist. Stop trying to make this entire thread about YOU. You’re not the only divorced person in the world FFS.

+1. And repeatedly shouting down someone who wants to talk about the ways in which their parents divorce harmed them because it makes single moms "feel bad" is really at odds with the message that single mothers are all amazing parents.

+2 — from an amazing mom, except when my children needed their father in the house. No, I hadn’t married an alcoholic or an abuser or anything horrific like that.

I had simply been convinced that my children and I would be better off without him. I was a “feminist” back then.

I could not have been more wrong. Teach your children how to be better partners and how mutual sacrifice is essential. Teach them how to choose more wisely, and what really matters. It’s not looks or wealth.

Ohhh now we see what is actually going on here. One person in this thread actually did get divorced for a dumb reason and now feels guilty about it and wants everyone else to feel bas as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with “choosing the right partner” is that you don’t know how someone is going to be down the line. There is no way to predict. Although I am still pretty happily married-my husband is entirely different than he was 20 years ago when we met. Not all in positive ways either. Sometimes it takes a good amount of years to see who someone truly is. And this happens all the time.

Really? You honestly think there is absolutely no way to predict how someone is likely to be going down the line?

I think you might mean there are no guarantees. But you can absolutely predict, with reasonable accuracy, how a person is likely to behave in the future. You have also changed over the past 20 years, just FYI.

Different poster? Are you kidding? Marriages happen all the time where someone thinks they found the one, have the big party, etc.
They’re is a 50 percent divorce rate and most of them thought walking down the aisle, that they wouldn’t be another statistic. Times change, people cheat, whatever but nobody predicts it on their wedding day.

[Anonymous]

Stay married for each other, never for the kids because they can see right through a sham marriage.

[Anonymous]

It seems to be more about a change in economic status, that happens to be due to divorce, than due to divorce itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not new or surprising, OP. And not all children to divorcees will suffer from their parents' divorce; or suffer more than what they would have suffered in the intact but conflict-ridden marriage.

This study shows statistical proof that a lot of children are significantly harmed by their parents divorce.

It’s the in between cases that should give you pause. The children from families that weren’t high conflict but divorced anyways are worse off. The only children who are better off after a divorce are in the very small percentage where the household

Actually it is proof that children whose parents divorce are more likely to suffer from things like teen pregnancy, etc. Which is not the same thing as the children being harmed by the divorce itself.

I do think that parents who divorce often kid themselves about the impact on their kids. I say this because my daughters have a few friends whose parents are divorced and the kids tell my kids how they feel about it but tell their parents they are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with “choosing the right partner” is that you don’t know how someone is going to be down the line. There is no way to predict. Although I am still pretty happily married-my husband is entirely different than he was 20 years ago when we met. Not all in positive ways either. Sometimes it takes a good amount of years to see who someone truly is. And this happens all the time.

Really? You honestly think there is absolutely no way to predict how someone is likely to be going down the line?

I think you might mean there are no guarantees. But you can absolutely predict, with reasonable accuracy, how a person is likely to behave in the future. You have also changed over the past 20 years, just FYI.

Different poster? Are you kidding? Marriages happen all the time where someone thinks they found the one, have the big party, etc.
They’re is a 50 percent divorce rate and most of them thought walking down the aisle, that they wouldn’t be another statistic. Times change, people cheat, whatever but nobody predicts it on their wedding day.

The point the other poster was making is that actually they *didn’t* think. They ignore red flags and get target fixation on wedding/kids.

People, barring brain tumors or traumatic head injuries, don’t fundamentally change who they are from 20 to 50. Those of you claiming they do are lying to yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay married for each other, never for the kids because they can see right through a sham marriage.

If there’s no actual abuse, kids don’t actually give a shit about mommy and daddy’s sham marriage, nor should they.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay married for each other, never for the kids because they can see right through a sham marriage.

If there’s no actual abuse, kids don’t actually give a shit about mommy and daddy’s sham marriage, nor should they.

Exactly.