Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the kids? Parents happiness and fulfillment comes first.

Yep, if the parents aren’t happy the kids won’t be so if you’re in an unhappy marriage, Wake up and Get out.

Sure, make it your kid’s fault that you made a bad choice for a spouse. Or your spouse made a bad choice.

You missed the point completely. You’re doing more harm to your kid by staying in a horrible relationship in front of them.

No, divorce is clearly bad for kids. You’re harming your kids by breaking up a marriage instead of fixing it. The data on unexpected parent deaths confirms that divorce is a bad sign.

And if you were designing the study, how would you compare the families that divorced to those that had the same problems, in the same amounts, but stayed together to “fix it?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the things that I find so fascinating in this thread is the way a handful of people (not all, but at least one and probably several) dismiss, judge, or even actively hostility to some posters out of concern for "the children."

But in this conversation the "children" are hypothetical, abstract. Meanwhile, the posters they're engaging with are real human beings.

If your morality makes you awful to actual human beings on behalf of theoretical ones, perhaps it is worth taking a second look at whether you have the moral high ground?

Fascinating, all of it. Seriously.

Oh jee, well just point me to the forum where all the children are discussing ways to improve their lives. Children’s lives and thus the future of society is decided by idiots like you who read someone’s autobiography about finding themselves amongst the desert in Dubai and all of the sudden their entire lives are torn apart. But oh yes - won’t someone think about the adults!! Screw those hypothetical kids whose future depends on the lowest of IQ people on this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"The three events — loss of financial resources, a decline in neighborhood quality and missing parental involvement because of distance or an increased workload required to make up for lost income — accounted for 25% to 60% of the impact divorce has on children's outcomes, the study said."

This. When both parents have enough money, many (not all) of the major causes of harm caused by divorce go away.

No amount of money can make up for the increased workload; not only do they lose seeing both parents all the time, they lose individual time with each parent. Sorry, there’s no money that can make up for not being able to say goodnight to both parents, not having easy holidays and birthdays with both parents, having to shuttle around, mom and/or dad can’t go to a school event because of the extra required work. There’s no money that makes up for time together.

Agree. The lost time with parents and the parents being focused on dating, nurturing a new relationship, balancing step kids, or making new kids all have a HUGE impact on existing children- for the worse

Thank you. No one is acknowledging that the parents don’t just work extra and come home. They have their own social lives, which is great, but it also takes yet more time away from the kids. And then there are the kids who experience abuse or favoritism of other kids on the part of new stepparents, or a go-along-to-get-along dad who never sticks up for them and lets them be railroaded, etc., etc. I’ve seen this all.

Hello, it’s me. I posted up thread. Have been single now about a year and have full custody. Exs choice. I am not dating and have no plans to. Energy is 100% focused on home and children. I work the same hours as I did before the split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the things that I find so fascinating in this thread is the way a handful of people (not all, but at least one and probably several) dismiss, judge, or even actively hostility to some posters out of concern for "the children."

But in this conversation the "children" are hypothetical, abstract. Meanwhile, the posters they're engaging with are real human beings.

If your morality makes you awful to actual human beings on behalf of theoretical ones, perhaps it is worth taking a second look at whether you have the moral high ground?

Fascinating, all of it. Seriously.

Oh jee, well just point me to the forum where all the children are discussing ways to improve their lives. Children’s lives and thus the future of society is decided by idiots like you who read someone’s autobiography about finding themselves amongst the desert in Dubai and all of the sudden their entire lives are torn apart. But oh yes - won’t someone think about the adults!! Screw those hypothetical kids whose future depends on the lowest of IQ people on this thread!

Wut

[Anonymous]

Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

Ok? My step father is wonderful man and I will feel honored to take care of him in his old age.

[Anonymous]

Dealing with miserable parents is worse than divorced parents. My mom and dad fought all the time but stayed together for financial and cultural reasons. It really left me jaded about relationships for a very long time and it caused low self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced her husband who was extremely controlling over the whole family and especially abusive towards their oldest daughter.

I cannot for the life of me imagine that daughter wishing her parents had stayed together. She is an older teen now and the trauma has led to her developing debilitating mental illnesses. She may not graduate from high school.

I’m not sure anyone who had known this family casually would be able to see that there were serious problems going on. From the outside, the family looked normal and successful. Posters like OP and the smug ones here might see it as a “frivolous” divorce.
A lot of you do not know as much as you think you know.

I got divorced after repressing my sexuality for decades. When I was young I wanted the family and the white picket fence. I married a man and really, truly believed it would be OK. It turns out that repressing my sexuality was not sustainable and divorce was the only reasonable solution.

People like to cherry pick the divorces they see as frivolous and pretend that is representative of most divorces. It is not. ]

Choosing to repress your sexuality is your choice. Sure there may be reasons but then you dragged your ex husband and children into this charade. You actively created this situation. Don’t act like this didn’t deeply impact everyone involved. You’re not the victim here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the things that I find so fascinating in this thread is the way a handful of people (not all, but at least one and probably several) dismiss, judge, or even actively hostility to some posters out of concern for "the children."

But in this conversation the "children" are hypothetical, abstract. Meanwhile, the posters they're engaging with are real human beings.

If your morality makes you awful to actual human beings on behalf of theoretical ones, perhaps it is worth taking a second look at whether you have the moral high ground?

Fascinating, all of it. Seriously.

Oh jee, well just point me to the forum where all the children are discussing ways to improve their lives. Children’s lives and thus the future of society is decided by idiots like you who read someone’s autobiography about finding themselves amongst the desert in Dubai and all of the sudden their entire lives are torn apart. But oh yes - won’t someone think about the adults!! Screw those hypothetical kids whose future depends on the lowest of IQ people on this thread!

Definitely call people and idiots and insult their IQ for the sake of the future of society. That’ll definitely work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

My dad remarried a woman who is younger than he is. They had two kids, and their marriage has already outlasted my parents’ by many years. I like my siblings and my stepmother. They also make the end of life stuff much easier on me. I feel very grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend divorced her husband who was extremely controlling over the whole family and especially abusive towards their oldest daughter.

I cannot for the life of me imagine that daughter wishing her parents had stayed together. She is an older teen now and the trauma has led to her developing debilitating mental illnesses. She may not graduate from high school.

I’m not sure anyone who had known this family casually would be able to see that there were serious problems going on. From the outside, the family looked normal and successful. Posters like OP and the smug ones here might see it as a “frivolous” divorce.
A lot of you do not know as much as you think you know.

I got divorced after repressing my sexuality for decades. When I was young I wanted the family and the white picket fence. I married a man and really, truly believed it would be OK. It turns out that repressing my sexuality was not sustainable and divorce was the only reasonable solution.

People like to cherry pick the divorces they see as frivolous and pretend that is representative of most divorces. It is not. ]

Choosing to repress your sexuality is your choice. Sure there may be reasons but then you dragged your ex husband and children into this charade. You actively created this situation. Don’t act like this didn’t deeply impact everyone involved. You’re not the victim here.

Um, no.
There is a difference between making an active choice to hide one’s sexuality from others, and repressing/dismissing one’s own thoughts as bad or unimportant and not even allowing yourself to have them. I wasn’t brought up to believe that what you wanted and how you felt was important or should or could be explored. That’s really nice if you were brought up in an environment where you were free to be yourself. Please know that it is not that way for everyone.

I don’t hate men and I did love my husband when we got married. If I’m being honest, the marriage might have survived if my husband had been a different sort of man. It’s not that I felt compelled to leave for sexual reasons. There were other issues that tipped the balance.

I really hope you find some peace. Anger isn’t good for your health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

Piling on here, both as a divorcee and child of divorced parents, that my step mom has been one of the best things that happened to my dad and my family.
We love her, and really enjoy getting to know her and her grown children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares about the kids? Parents happiness and fulfillment comes first.

Yep, if the parents aren’t happy the kids won’t be so if you’re in an unhappy marriage, Wake up and Get out.

Sure, make it your kid’s fault that you made a bad choice for a spouse. Or your spouse made a bad choice.

You missed the point completely. You’re doing more harm to your kid by staying in a horrible relationship in front of them.

No, divorce is clearly bad for kids. You’re harming your kids by breaking up a marriage instead of fixing it. The data on unexpected parent deaths confirms that divorce is a bad sign.

You are just simply clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

Piling on here, both as a divorcee and child of divorced parents, that my step mom has been one of the best things that happened to my dad and my family.
We love her, and really enjoy getting to know her and her grown children.

NP, and that’s great. My experience with having a stepfather is 100% disruptive and awful, always has been. I can name friends of mine with great stepparents; I can name friends of mine who had or have awful stepparents. Yes, blended families can be wonderful, or nothing but pain and difficulty. Shall we end the anecdata-off now and call it a wash?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the parents are old. I have so many friends who have to deal with their aging parents AND their step parents. Sometimes they have to battle with the step parent’s children, sometimes the step parent’s children have written them off so guess who gets stuck holding the bag on that? Even after the parent dies, if the step parent remains, often the child or wife is the child because it’s always women who get stuck with this stuff is stuck managing end of life care and support for a step parent.

Piling on here, both as a divorcee and child of divorced parents, that my step mom has been one of the best things that happened to my dad and my family.
We love her, and really enjoy getting to know her and her grown children.

NP, and that’s great. My experience with having a stepfather is 100% disruptive and awful, always has been. I can name friends of mine with great stepparents; I can name friends of mine who had or have awful stepparents. Yes, blended families can be wonderful, or nothing but pain and difficulty. Shall we end the anecdata-off now and call it a wash?

Of course I know stepparent outcomes can be all over the place. They can also be all over the place when parents stay married. Or when they never marry in the first place. Which is why this whole thread is stupid. Yes - it is all a wash.

What matters to children is stability and having at least one adult in their life who is present and loving. Marriage does not guarantee this.