Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine the texts MIL & SIL have been firing off to each other today!

OP here. Oh I sure they have lots to talk about. They had it pretty good for a long time with never having to cram people together or pay for hotels or AirBnBs because we were their free AirBnB. They would throw extra guests at us and vegan requests and we would roll with it. If they secretly resented that it was at my house I guess they effed around and found out that there will be a logistical and effort-filled price to pay for getting their wish to host it themselves. Host away, talk away. I don’t care.

I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve done over the years.

That said, MIL did sound apologetic and when I said I didn’t feel comfortable hosting this year, she said she 100% understood. If she has some more grumbling and grousing to do now that I’ve washed my hands of the situation, she is entitled to her opinions and her feelings. Those are none of my business. I’m kind of caught in the middle of feeling understanding that family feelings and holidays can be complex, genuinely being hurt over a relationship I thought was close, and chuckling to myself that hey you wanted all this? Have at. It will take a LOT of convincing from MIL and SIL for me to ever pick up the mantle again. Too bad for them that they ruined a really good thing. Go ahead and pay for some hotels or make your guest lists shorter, that is the price you are paying for biting the hand that fed you.

NOT apologetic because she’s regretful for talking about you behind your back, OP, because she’s been doing that for who knows how long. Not upset because you found out and it hurt you. She’s upset because now THEY have to figure out something you’ve been handling for years, and they’ve been benefiting from.

[Anonymous]

Time for nuclear family Tgiving in Hawaii

[Anonymous]

You have been blessed with guilt-free holiday freedom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine the texts MIL & SIL have been firing off to each other today!

OP here. Oh I sure they have lots to talk about. They had it pretty good for a long time with never having to cram people together or pay for hotels or AirBnBs because we were their free AirBnB. They would throw extra guests at us and vegan requests and we would roll with it. If they secretly resented that it was at my house I guess they effed around and found out that there will be a logistical and effort-filled price to pay for getting their wish to host it themselves. Host away, talk away. I don’t care.

I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve done over the years.

That said, MIL did sound apologetic and when I said I didn’t feel comfortable hosting this year, she said she 100% understood. If she has some more grumbling and grousing to do now that I’ve washed my hands of the situation, she is entitled to her opinions and her feelings. Those are none of my business. I’m kind of caught in the middle of feeling understanding that family feelings and holidays can be complex, genuinely being hurt over a relationship I thought was close, and chuckling to myself that hey you wanted all this? Have at. It will take a LOT of convincing from MIL and SIL for me to ever pick up the mantle again. Too bad for them that they ruined a really good thing. Go ahead and pay for some hotels or make your guest lists shorter, that is the price you are paying for biting the hand that fed you.

Life isn’t fair, is it? I would have cherished a DIL like you but it was not in the cards for me to have a DIL. My SIL has hosted the large family gatherings for DH’s side for years and I would never have dreamed of being snarky about her hostessing. Anyone who has tried to host Thanksgiving for a large group knows what a lot of work it is, nevermind having houseguests at the same time! From MIL’s response, it would appear that she is envious of your house and ability to pull it off. SIL might also share her feelings but since she is the one who decides every year, one would assume she likes not having the responsibility. Take the year off from hosting and let them try to pull it off as well and graciously as you and DH.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update. If I were in that situation I would still go to Tgiving wherever it is because I do care about my kids spending time with their cousins. That is just me though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

Good for you on involving DH, confronting, dropping the rope and being kind in the process. Rude adults need natural consequences for their childish behavior. That said, I have no doubt she'll now be trashing you, but hold your head up high.

She was trashing her ALREADY! Now she knows and can adjust her relationship, and that’s a GOOD THING.

I would go all out this year and then let it be your last one you host.

She and DH already did that, repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

Way to ramp-up The Drama, Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way to ramp-up The Drama, Op

With an anonymous post on a DC parent’s forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. If I were in that situation I would still go to Tgiving wherever it is because I do care about my kids spending time with their cousins. That is just me though.

I don’t think OP and her DH were thinking of boycotting the event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. If I were in that situation I would still go to Tgiving wherever it is because I do care about my kids spending time with their cousins. That is just me though.

I don’t think OP and her DH were thinking of boycotting the event.

OK great! I was also responding to those who said they would not attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. If I were in that situation I would still go to Tgiving wherever it is because I do care about my kids spending time with their cousins. That is just me though.

I don’t think OP and her DH were thinking of boycotting the event.

OP here. Yes, we are still attending wherever it is held, especially so kids can see cousins. We will contribute to the same extent that MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL do when they visit us: a side dish, a pie, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way to ramp-up The Drama, Op

DP. No, this is de-escalating. OP is removing herself from the center, accepting an apology, and continuing to attend. That's ramping up exactly nothing, PP.

[Anonymous]

It's not about attending -- it's about Op making this mistake into a defining moment re: your family relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about attending -- it's about Op making this mistake into a defining moment re: your family relationships.

Actually, it was about MIL choosing snark and gossip over honest and direct communication. If my MIL ever said something to me like, “I know why it makes sense to have Thanksgiving at your house this year, but I really miss hosting,” we could find a way to work together on that. Or MIL could have kept her complex feelings to herself instead of turning them into a gossip-fest, when truly no one is at fault when circumstances and logistics dictate who hosts for a certain holiday. So the “defining moment” is when MIL took her rather understandable feelings and chose to gossip and snark instead of dealing with them in a more productive way.

[Anonymous]

Wait - Do people pay for hotels of other families when they come to visit? I've never had family pay for us and we've never paid for them. I've actually never had anyone even suggest that.