Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

Funny email faces don’t equal an explanation or an apology. You deserve both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did it end up you are hosting Thanksgiving this year? Have you hosted in past years?

You are making it sound like MIL and SIL twisted your arm and insisted you are the one who must host - but that doesn't really fit with the voicemail of 'thinking you can pull it off this year'. That seems to imply you wanted to host it.

Would MIL and SIL say they don't want to host and insisted you host?

OP here. The “decider” is usually SIL, and the deciding factors are usually how many people will be there, and how many people will need to stay somewhere overnight.

This is where I am really confused: they always acknowledge how much work it is and how DH and I usually end up with the most work of all since we host the biggest gatherings. We’ve never not “pulled it off,” the food is good and comes out on time, we can even pivot to add extra people or make vegan dishes or whatever at the last minute. This is why I’m confused. We’ve never once insisted on hosting and honestly, we end up doing the most work because we host the biggest gatherings.

I hear the advice I’m getting from many of you about letting this go. But DH is really hurt and is coming from a place of, if my mom and sister are going to gossip about you and act ungrateful, we’re not doing this. And he’s not satisfied with an embarrassed emoji, with no explanation or apology. He wants actual acknowledgment. I just want to know how it ends up that they ask us to host the big stuff and rehearsal dinners and stuff if they really are resentful or think I’m a bad host or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny email faces don’t equal an explanation or an apology. You deserve both.

OP here. Thank you. DH and I agree with you. I’m more “let it go” than he is but he is not satisfied with an emoji.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how what’s going on, or how to address it. MIL called me to discuss an upcoming visit, and we also talked about Thanksgiving. DH and I almost always host holidays for his side of the family, but we also occasionally celebrate at MIL/FIL’s house, or with SIL and her husband and family. So there’s something of a rotation, but we end up at my house a lot because there’s more room for overnight guests.

MIL and I get along well, and we had a nice chat. Twenty minutes later, I had a voicemail that MIL clearly meant to leave for her daughter, my SIL, talking about the visit and ending with “Larla is going to host Thanksgiving—I guess she thinks she can pull it off,” then a snarky laugh. I truly don’t understand—DH and I are good cooks, we take care of so many things, we host multiple houseguests for multiple days, and we’ve all been celebrating as a family for 15 years. MIL and SIL both have asked me to host “extra” things like wedding showers and baby showers and even a rehearsal dinner, so my cooking and hosting clearly can’t be that bad.

I sent MIL a text that had the VM in it and said, “Just so you know, you left this for me instead of Carole.” And MIL simply responded with an embarrassed-face emoji.

Where do we go from here? I do want a bit of acknowledgment and explanation. I’m not going to go through the effort of hosting yet again if it is not appreciated. Or if there is something “wrong” they want DH and I to fix, just let us know. I’m truly mystified as I get along with both SIL and MIL, and DH and I host a lot, and SIL and MIL have asked me to host extra things over the years.

I wouldn't want this person in my house or in my life. Do you think that she was drinking ?

My suggestion is to celebrate the holiday elsewhere & let MIL explain your family's absence to the others.

If you host, consider serving the MIL an open bottle of Vodka with a straw.

When you serve the open bottle of vodka with a straw, proudly declare that you just want to make MIL feel at home.

Also, casually state to MIL that it is never wise to insult the cook.

[Anonymous]

Why not leave MIL a voicemail asking if she has a preferred recipe for crow ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how what’s going on, or how to address it. MIL called me to discuss an upcoming visit, and we also talked about Thanksgiving. DH and I almost always host holidays for his side of the family, but we also occasionally celebrate at MIL/FIL’s house, or with SIL and her husband and family. So there’s something of a rotation, but we end up at my house a lot because there’s more room for overnight guests.

MIL and I get along well, and we had a nice chat. Twenty minutes later, I had a voicemail that MIL clearly meant to leave for her daughter, my SIL, talking about the visit and ending with “Larla is going to host Thanksgiving—I guess she thinks she can pull it off,” then a snarky laugh. I truly don’t understand—DH and I are good cooks, we take care of so many things, we host multiple houseguests for multiple days, and we’ve all been celebrating as a family for 15 years. MIL and SIL both have asked me to host “extra” things like wedding showers and baby showers and even a rehearsal dinner, so my cooking and hosting clearly can’t be that bad.

I sent MIL a text that had the VM in it and said, “Just so you know, you left this for me instead of Carole.” And MIL simply responded with an embarrassed-face emoji.

Where do we go from here? I do want a bit of acknowledgment and explanation. I’m not going to go through the effort of hosting yet again if it is not appreciated. Or if there is something “wrong” they want DH and I to fix, just let us know. I’m truly mystified as I get along with both SIL and MIL, and DH and I host a lot, and SIL and MIL have asked me to host extra things over the years.

I wouldn't want this person in my house or in my life. Do you think that she was drinking ?

My suggestion is to celebrate the holiday elsewhere & let MIL explain your family's absence to the others.

If you host, consider serving the MIL an open bottle of Vodka with a straw.

When you serve the open bottle of vodka with a straw, proudly declare that you just want to make MIL feel at home.

Also, casually state to MIL that it is never wise to insult the cook.

Totally, this is great advice and the person you want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I’m the minority but I would have ignored it, she probably would have figured out her error and it would be quite satisfying to leave her wondering at your silence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

Oh for heavens sake. I’m a NP and you and your husband are both going way overboard about this. If you don’t want to host, fine. But this is a lot of drama for one comment that wasn’t even that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how what’s going on, or how to address it. MIL called me to discuss an upcoming visit, and we also talked about Thanksgiving. DH and I almost always host holidays for his side of the family, but we also occasionally celebrate at MIL/FIL’s house, or with SIL and her husband and family. So there’s something of a rotation, but we end up at my house a lot because there’s more room for overnight guests.

MIL and I get along well, and we had a nice chat. Twenty minutes later, I had a voicemail that MIL clearly meant to leave for her daughter, my SIL, talking about the visit and ending with “Larla is going to host Thanksgiving—I guess she thinks she can pull it off,” then a snarky laugh. I truly don’t understand—DH and I are good cooks, we take care of so many things, we host multiple houseguests for multiple days, and we’ve all been celebrating as a family for 15 years. MIL and SIL both have asked me to host “extra” things like wedding showers and baby showers and even a rehearsal dinner, so my cooking and hosting clearly can’t be that bad.

I sent MIL a text that had the VM in it and said, “Just so you know, you left this for me instead of Carole.” And MIL simply responded with an embarrassed-face emoji.

Where do we go from here? I do want a bit of acknowledgment and explanation. I’m not going to go through the effort of hosting yet again if it is not appreciated. Or if there is something “wrong” they want DH and I to fix, just let us know. I’m truly mystified as I get along with both SIL and MIL, and DH and I host a lot, and SIL and MIL have asked me to host extra things over the years.

I wouldn't want this person in my house or in my life. Do you think that she was drinking ?

My suggestion is to celebrate the holiday elsewhere & let MIL explain your family's absence to the others.

If you host, consider serving the MIL an open bottle of Vodka with a straw.

When you serve the open bottle of vodka with a straw, proudly declare that you just want to make MIL feel at home.

Also, casually state to MIL that it is never wise to insult the cook.

Totally, this is great advice and the person you want to be.

Lighten up--it's just a bit of humor.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like MIL is insecure, you did nothing wrong. I would host this time and then next time the conversation happens say that you aren't sure if you are up to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like MIL is insecure, you did nothing wrong. I would host this time and then next time the conversation happens say that you aren't sure if you are up to it.

I mean not sure if you can pull it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

Oh for heavens sake. I’m a NP and you and your husband are both going way overboard about this. If you don’t want to host, fine. But this is a lot of drama for one comment that wasn’t even that bad.

Bullcrap. The couple is not over reacting. Who wants this type of person in their life & in their home ?

Consider seating the MIL at the children's table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”