Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

If she has made no effort to contact you beyond the emoji, then I would kindly decline hosting this year.

[Anonymous]

You know, this snarkiness could be going the other way. My sister and I occasionally snark to each other about our SIL, who is a lovely person-- generous and kind--and also incredibly smart and hardworking and just competent at everything. Sister and I really love her, but it's also a joke between us about how annoyingly good she is at everything. I can totally see my sister leaving me a message saying, "SIL is going to host Thanksgiving and probably ruin it as usual."

There's really no way to know what is behind the message and it's hard to know what good could come of pushing for an answer. It could be something like the scenario above, where this is actually them thinking highly of you, but when you say this out loud, it still sounds bad and I'm not sure it would make you feel any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Have you hosted Thanksgiving before? Who usually does? Is there something “special” in their celebration that complicates it?

You’ve told MIL and you’ve told DH. I would leave this in his hands now. Honestly, in his shoes I would probably call my mother and say since she and SIL have concerns about my ability (leaving you out) to pull it off then I’m declining to host and one of them can. Then let it go. They can remember their words as they do the work for a holiday they didn’t anticipate hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not leave MIL a voicemail asking if she has a preferred recipe for crow ?

😂😂😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, this snarkiness could be going the other way. My sister and I occasionally snark to each other about our SIL, who is a lovely person-- generous and kind--and also incredibly smart and hardworking and just competent at everything. Sister and I really love her, but it's also a joke between us about how annoyingly good she is at everything. I can totally see my sister leaving me a message saying, "SIL is going to host Thanksgiving and probably ruin it as usual."

There's really no way to know what is behind the message and it's hard to know what good could come of pushing for an answer. It could be something like the scenario above, where this is actually them thinking highly of you, but when you say this out loud, it still sounds bad and I'm not sure it would make you feel any better.

I could easily imagine something where MIL asked SIL if she could handle it this year and SIL was like "No way, we've got a vegetarian, AND picky Uncle Bud! I hope someone else can handle it!" and the comment was making fun of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it end up you are hosting Thanksgiving this year? Have you hosted in past years?

You are making it sound like MIL and SIL twisted your arm and insisted you are the one who must host - but that doesn't really fit with the voicemail of 'thinking you can pull it off this year'. That seems to imply you wanted to host it.

Would MIL and SIL say they don't want to host and insisted you host?

OP here. The “decider” is usually SIL, and the deciding factors are usually how many people will be there, and how many people will need to stay somewhere overnight.

This is where I am really confused: they always acknowledge how much work it is and how DH and I usually end up with the most work of all since we host the biggest gatherings. We’ve never not “pulled it off,” the food is good and comes out on time, we can even pivot to add extra people or make vegan dishes or whatever at the last minute. This is why I’m confused. We’ve never once insisted on hosting and honestly, we end up doing the most work because we host the biggest gatherings.

I hear the advice I’m getting from many of you about letting this go. But DH is really hurt and is coming from a place of, if my mom and sister are going to gossip about you and act ungrateful, we’re not doing this. And he’s not satisfied with an embarrassed emoji, with no explanation or apology. He wants actual acknowledgment. I just want to know how it ends up that they ask us to host the big stuff and rehearsal dinners and stuff if they really are resentful or think I’m a bad host or something.

DH should put his big feelings about what is actually a very small incident aside and say to his mother, very calmly, "Larla is really confused and hurt by your message. And I'm confused too-- I've always thought that we do a good job of hosting and others seem to want us to host because we have the space. If that's not true, please let us know. We are happy to try to improve things or to let others host. Either way, I think you owe Larla an apology." Then let it go.

This sounds like an otherwise good relationship in a relatively happy extended family. Is this worth destroying that over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how what’s going on, or how to address it. MIL called me to discuss an upcoming visit, and we also talked about Thanksgiving. DH and I almost always host holidays for his side of the family, but we also occasionally celebrate at MIL/FIL’s house, or with SIL and her husband and family. So there’s something of a rotation, but we end up at my house a lot because there’s more room for overnight guests.

MIL and I get along well, and we had a nice chat. Twenty minutes later, I had a voicemail that MIL clearly meant to leave for her daughter, my SIL, talking about the visit and ending with “Larla is going to host Thanksgiving—I guess she thinks she can pull it off,” then a snarky laugh. I truly don’t understand—DH and I are good cooks, we take care of so many things, we host multiple houseguests for multiple days, and we’ve all been celebrating as a family for 15 years. MIL and SIL both have asked me to host “extra” things like wedding showers and baby showers and even a rehearsal dinner, so my cooking and hosting clearly can’t be that bad.

I sent MIL a text that had the VM in it and said, “Just so you know, you left this for me instead of Carole.” And MIL simply responded with an embarrassed-face emoji.

Where do we go from here? I do want a bit of acknowledgment and explanation. I’m not going to go through the effort of hosting yet again if it is not appreciated. Or if there is something “wrong” they want DH and I to fix, just let us know. I’m truly mystified as I get along with both SIL and MIL, and DH and I host a lot, and SIL and MIL have asked me to host extra things over the years.

Well you now saw your MIL true colors. This should make things in the future very easy.

Directly ask her for response as I think you're owed one.

What did DH say about this?

[Anonymous]

Let it go. Likely she knows her dd (your SIL) feels inferior in some way and this was her way of pumping her up.

[Anonymous]

OP ALL these responses sound like they're coming from mean MIL's keep that in mind when planning what to do going forward. I'm only on page 1 or responses and they're total bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she has made no effort to contact you beyond the emoji, then I would kindly decline hosting this year.

Same. MIL attempt to blow this off with an emoji is even more annoying. F that. God knows what else she says behinds OP back if this is how mean she is in just a voice mail!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

I don't think OP needs to fix anything. I also don't think this is worth blowing up Thanksgiving going forward. MIL already feels sheepish. I mean if OP's DH wants to take it up with his mom then fine, but taking your ball and going home is immature and drama.

[Anonymous]

Could she possibly have just meant that you are a busy person and TG is a lot of work but you think you are capable of doing it?? Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt if you generally get along? If she had something like...I guess we are stuck with dry turkey and runny potatoes yet again...that is a direct slam but her comment is not necessarily at least to my ear.