Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That makes sense. A lot of moms like to host their kids for holidays. To have the house filled with family. To cook for their kids. Especially if that was something they did and a way they showed they cared and something they were appreciated for when the kids were young. Especially at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Maybe there was some misunderstanding on your end as you didn't realize that she still wanted to host her fmaily for meals and the lines had gotten crossed and she didn't necessarily want you to host everything.

Glad you worked it out.

In that case MIL could have used her words like a big girl instead of being catty behind OP’s back.

Plenty of people were advising OP to not use her words and ask MIL what the issue was or clarification. Instead they wanted her to leave bizarre messages about eating crow, sticking her at the kids table, refuse to ever see her again, etc etc. Communication is a two way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. If I were in that situation I would still go to Tgiving wherever it is because I do care about my kids spending time with their cousins. That is just me though.

I don’t think OP and her DH were thinking of boycotting the event.

OP here. Yes, we are still attending wherever it is held, especially so kids can see cousins. We will contribute to the same extent that MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL do when they visit us: a side dish, a pie, etc.

If I were you I would contribute MORE than they typically do (like, two pies instead of one) just to heap coals of fire on their head! Still a lot less work than having to host yourself. Congratulations on divesting yourself of that responsibility!

I’d bring 2 Costco pumpkin pies.

Wow a whole $10 worth of pie. Really doing the most there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It still isn’t clear why OPs view was that MIL and SIL didn’t want to host and were insistent that OP host every single family event when their actions and what they said now show that isn’t the case. Someone misunderstood the conversations about hosting and clearly MiLs feelings were hurt before OPs were.

MIL clearly wants to host and this seems to be an issue between MIL and SIL with SIL taking it away from MIL for some reason. OP probably knows more than she’s letting on to make herself into the victim.

SIL got to get out of a) work b) the risk of disappointing ppl c) the surefire snark that would come her way from MIL if she hosted and did not do it quite right AND make OP the bad guy at the same time to MIL.
MIL made the call/snark but SIL was pulling a lot of strings.

Sounds like MIL has never done anything but be a gracious guest. But she clearly wants to host and resents not being able to. Sounds like this all worked out for the best. The only loser is SIL.

Sounds like you didn’t READ THE OP or subsequent clarification that yes, MIL/FIL do have a part in the holiday hosting rotation. Go back and read the original post, slowly and carefully.

If you read OPs subsequent posts, she says that MIL and SIL had it good for a very long time with never hosting and she talks about all the effort she (OP and DH) went to to host all these years. And now she is upset that MIL did want to host as she had understood they wanted her to always host. So she is going to show up for her kids sake but nothing more as her nose is bent out of shape that MIL is hosting rather than appreciating Op hosting everything.

OP said there was a rotation but a lot of it was dependent on how many people were attending: big events = OP’s house, usually at SIL’s request. But still, there was a rotation. It’s right there in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It still isn’t clear why OPs view was that MIL and SIL didn’t want to host and were insistent that OP host every single family event when their actions and what they said now show that isn’t the case. Someone misunderstood the conversations about hosting and clearly MiLs feelings were hurt before OPs were.

MIL clearly wants to host and this seems to be an issue between MIL and SIL with SIL taking it away from MIL for some reason. OP probably knows more than she’s letting on to make herself into the victim.

SIL got to get out of a) work b) the risk of disappointing ppl c) the surefire snark that would come her way from MIL if she hosted and did not do it quite right AND make OP the bad guy at the same time to MIL.
MIL made the call/snark but SIL was pulling a lot of strings.

Sounds like MIL has never done anything but be a gracious guest. But she clearly wants to host and resents not being able to. Sounds like this all worked out for the best. The only loser is SIL.

It still isn’t clear though why MIL would vent to SIL about OP hosting if MIL had insisted that OP host and had told OP that she doesn’t want to host and that OP has to host everything.

Anyways yes, now MIL can host if that is what she wanted and OP and SIL had taken that from her (intentionally or not). I wonder if OP assumed that since she has the bigger house that she was the family superhost and would always be the one to host. I can see MIL being both appreciative and hurt in that scenario.

MIL didn’t insist OP host. SIL decided. MIL is complaining to SIL that she doesn’t get to do it. She clearly thinks she’s the best and there are obviously some issues with the family, lots of people, picky vegans, and she probably recognizes it’s a tall order. Again, MIL is getting what she wants so problem solved. OP said she wanted an apology and got it. What else is there to discuss?

Wanting a turn to host her family for a holiday doesn’t mean she thinks she is the best. It is different experience being a host and a guest, and many people enjoy hosting, even if they don’t have the biggest house.

Then she could have opened her mouth and used her words, like a big girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It still isn’t clear why OPs view was that MIL and SIL didn’t want to host and were insistent that OP host every single family event when their actions and what they said now show that isn’t the case. Someone misunderstood the conversations about hosting and clearly MiLs feelings were hurt before OPs were.

MIL clearly wants to host and this seems to be an issue between MIL and SIL with SIL taking it away from MIL for some reason. OP probably knows more than she’s letting on to make herself into the victim.

SIL got to get out of a) work b) the risk of disappointing ppl c) the surefire snark that would come her way from MIL if she hosted and did not do it quite right AND make OP the bad guy at the same time to MIL.
MIL made the call/snark but SIL was pulling a lot of strings.

Sounds like MIL has never done anything but be a gracious guest. But she clearly wants to host and resents not being able to. Sounds like this all worked out for the best. The only loser is SIL.

It still isn’t clear though why MIL would vent to SIL about OP hosting if MIL had insisted that OP host and had told OP that she doesn’t want to host and that OP has to host everything.

Anyways yes, now MIL can host if that is what she wanted and OP and SIL had taken that from her (intentionally or not). I wonder if OP assumed that since she has the bigger house that she was the family superhost and would always be the one to host. I can see MIL being both appreciative and hurt in that scenario.

MIL didn’t insist OP host. SIL decided. MIL is complaining to SIL that she doesn’t get to do it. She clearly thinks she’s the best and there are obviously some issues with the family, lots of people, picky vegans, and she probably recognizes it’s a tall order. Again, MIL is getting what she wants so problem solved. OP said she wanted an apology and got it. What else is there to discuss?

Wanting a turn to host her family for a holiday doesn’t mean she thinks she is the best. It is different experience being a host and a guest, and many people enjoy hosting, even if they don’t have the biggest house.

Then she could have opened her mouth and used her words, like a big girl.

She did, with SIL who seems to be the one causing the issue. MIL was leaving OP out of it such that it was a shock to OP that she even felt this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you could do would be to just let it go.

There’s almost certainly no “explanation.” People snark. Maybe you said something once that SIL perceived as whining and they’re still jabbering about it. It doesn’t mean there’s an issue. It’s almost certainly not about you at all, it’s just part of their banter.

And also, this isn’t a big deal. It’s barely an insult.

If you just say “np, deleted!” and never mention it again, you’ve demonstrated grace and generosity, and your MIL owes you one. If you call her and demand an explanation, you’re leaning into an awkward mess that won’t help you anyway.

Here's the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. If I were in that situation I would still go to Tgiving wherever it is because I do care about my kids spending time with their cousins. That is just me though.

I don’t think OP and her DH were thinking of boycotting the event.

OP here. Yes, we are still attending wherever it is held, especially so kids can see cousins. We will contribute to the same extent that MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL do when they visit us: a side dish, a pie, etc.

If I were you I would contribute MORE than they typically do (like, two pies instead of one) just to heap coals of fire on their head! Still a lot less work than having to host yourself. Congratulations on divesting yourself of that responsibility!

I’d bring 2 Costco pumpkin pies.

Wow a whole $10 worth of pie. Really doing the most there.

I'd eat it. They make the Libby's recipe which is our family's favorite.

[Anonymous]

Seems to have been resolved, folks. No need to discuss anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the update. If I were in that situation I would still go to Tgiving wherever it is because I do care about my kids spending time with their cousins. That is just me though.

I don’t think OP and her DH were thinking of boycotting the event.

OP here. Yes, we are still attending wherever it is held, especially so kids can see cousins. We will contribute to the same extent that MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL do when they visit us: a side dish, a pie, etc.

If I were you I would contribute MORE than they typically do (like, two pies instead of one) just to heap coals of fire on their head! Still a lot less work than having to host yourself. Congratulations on divesting yourself of that responsibility!

I’d bring 2 Costco pumpkin pies.

Wow a whole $10 worth of pie. Really doing the most there.

FAFO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about attending -- it's about Op making this mistake into a defining moment re: your family relationships.

Actually, it was about MIL choosing snark and gossip over honest and direct communication. If my MIL ever said something to me like, “I know why it makes sense to have Thanksgiving at your house this year, but I really miss hosting,” we could find a way to work together on that. Or MIL could have kept her complex feelings to herself instead of turning them into a gossip-fest, when truly no one is at fault when circumstances and logistics dictate who hosts for a certain holiday. So the “defining moment” is when MIL took her rather understandable feelings and chose to gossip and snark instead of dealing with them in a more productive way.

It was a mistake for which she apologized. No, this doesn’t need to be a defining moment for anyone.

She eventually apologized, when it was clear she wasn’t going to get away with it with an emoji. Yikes…

MIL didn’t expect her son would stick up for his wife.

[Anonymous]

All this "issue" ... is one sentence.
One sentence and a chuckle

[Anonymous]

You're creating a problem where there isn't one.

I really don't think there is something to discuss here. All this tells you is that there is a MIL-SIL dynamic where they occasionally feel entitled to slightly diss you. It happens all the time, EVEN among people who love and respect each other. Ex: given what my aunts say about others behind their backs, I am sure they do it to me, and I don't want to hear what they say! But that doesn't mean they don't love me.

You shouldn't bring it up again or expect MIL to say anything. What you can do is allow yourself to not care that much.

[Anonymous]

PP, time to catch up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this "issue" ... is one sentence.
One sentence and a chuckle

Well, all it takes to hurt someone is one sentence and a chuckle. Would you treat your MIL, SIL, or friend this way? I wouldn’t. If I wanted a turn hosting or wanted to make the pumpkin pie or something, I’d speak to my MIL directly and kindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it end up you are hosting Thanksgiving this year? Have you hosted in past years?

You are making it sound like MIL and SIL twisted your arm and insisted you are the one who must host - but that doesn't really fit with the voicemail of 'thinking you can pull it off this year'. That seems to imply you wanted to host it.

Would MIL and SIL say they don't want to host and insisted you host?

OP here. The “decider” is usually SIL, and the deciding factors are usually how many people will be there, and how many people will need to stay somewhere overnight.

This is where I am really confused: they always acknowledge how much work it is and how DH and I usually end up with the most work of all since we host the biggest gatherings. We’ve never not “pulled it off,” the food is good and comes out on time, we can even pivot to add extra people or make vegan dishes or whatever at the last minute. This is why I’m confused. We’ve never once insisted on hosting and honestly, we end up doing the most work because we host the biggest gatherings.

I hear the advice I’m getting from many of you about letting this go. But DH is really hurt and is coming from a place of, if my mom and sister are going to gossip about you and act ungrateful, we’re not doing this. And he’s not satisfied with an embarrassed emoji, with no explanation or apology. He wants actual acknowledgment. I just want to know how it ends up that they ask us to host the big stuff and rehearsal dinners and stuff if they really are resentful or think I’m a bad host or something.

I like your husband.