Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how what’s going on, or how to address it. MIL called me to discuss an upcoming visit, and we also talked about Thanksgiving. DH and I almost always host holidays for his side of the family, but we also occasionally celebrate at MIL/FIL’s house, or with SIL and her husband and family. So there’s something of a rotation, but we end up at my house a lot because there’s more room for overnight guests.

MIL and I get along well, and we had a nice chat. Twenty minutes later, I had a voicemail that MIL clearly meant to leave for her daughter, my SIL, talking about the visit and ending with “Larla is going to host Thanksgiving—I guess she thinks she can pull it off,” then a snarky laugh. I truly don’t understand—DH and I are good cooks, we take care of so many things, we host multiple houseguests for multiple days, and we’ve all been celebrating as a family for 15 years. MIL and SIL both have asked me to host “extra” things like wedding showers and baby showers and even a rehearsal dinner, so my cooking and hosting clearly can’t be that bad.

I sent MIL a text that had the VM in it and said, “Just so you know, you left this for me instead of Carole.” And MIL simply responded with an embarrassed-face emoji.

Where do we go from here? I do want a bit of acknowledgment and explanation. I’m not going to go through the effort of hosting yet again if it is not appreciated. Or if there is something “wrong” they want DH and I to fix, just let us know. I’m truly mystified as I get along with both SIL and MIL, and DH and I host a lot, and SIL and MIL have asked me to host extra things over the years.

[Anonymous]

My money is on your MIL thinks you are highly capable of this, your SIL has an issue with something and your MIL snarks with SIL at you instead of defending you. If your MIL did not think you were capable she would not be asking you to do it.
I'm a little torn on what to do b/c you seem to generally have a good relationship with MIL.
Option 1: Have DH call his mom and find out what's up. THis will get you closer to understanding what's the real issue.
Option 2: Call MIL yourself/talk to her yourself. You will get an "apology" but never understand what's the real issue.
Option 3: Have DH call his mom and lead with sadness and disappointment, not anger to try to get the real story, then you follow up with MIL to just say "look I know that DH talked to you, my feelings were really hurt by that" only in the spirit of your relationship with her.

IF you go wiht 1 or 2 I'd pull back. If you go with 3 I'd read the response from MIL to see if I pull back or if I get a sincere apology.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she isn't really happy that you have taken over all the hosting. Maybe she wants to host some events?

I doubt it is that you are a bad host - more just that you have usurped their hosting to do it all your way.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she isn't really happy that you have taken over all the hosting. Maybe she wants to host some events?

I doubt it is that you are a bad host - more just that you have usurped their hosting to do it all your way.

OP here. As my post says, we do have a bit of a rotation. I don’t need or want to host all the time. It usually works out for the “bigger” holidays with more people involved for us to be here because my house sleeps more people, and that’s not even a request coming from me, it’s SIL saying X/Y/Z can make it this year, so can Bill and Sally host. The “decider” is usually SIL as to where we have it. It’s kind of circumstantial, and I have never once asked or insisted.

Even when we do host, DH and I ask other people to bring or make their special things, we’ve never said no to a request, we’ve even last-minute made vegan dishes because a college-age cousin went through a vegan phase. We’ve even said yes to extra college friends of a cousin’s randomly tagging along. I get where your question is coming from, but truly DH and I have not “usurped” anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing and going forward I'd ignore it completely.

Like a PP said I bet your SIL snarks a bit (jealousy?, can't help but be antagonistic?) and MIL just goes with that flow. I have to say I am guilty of snarking excessively about my SIL to my mother. She deserves a good deal of it, but do I exaggerate? Yes. Not proud of it.

Just know you're doing great and chalk it up to people being weird.

Be the bigger person and enjoy the excessive politeness and awkwardness they'll extend you for the next few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My money is on your MIL thinks you are highly capable of this, your SIL has an issue with something and your MIL snarks with SIL at you instead of defending you. If your MIL did not think you were capable she would not be asking you to do it.
I'm a little torn on what to do b/c you seem to generally have a good relationship with MIL.
Option 1: Have DH call his mom and find out what's up. THis will get you closer to understanding what's the real issue.
Option 2: Call MIL yourself/talk to her yourself. You will get an "apology" but never understand what's the real issue.
Option 3: Have DH call his mom and lead with sadness and disappointment, not anger to try to get the real story, then you follow up with MIL to just say "look I know that DH talked to you, my feelings were really hurt by that" only in the spirit of your relationship with her.

IF you go wiht 1 or 2 I'd pull back. If you go with 3 I'd read the response from MIL to see if I pull back or if I get a sincere apology.

Or just let it go.

[Anonymous]

How did it end up you are hosting Thanksgiving this year? Have you hosted in past years?

You are making it sound like MIL and SIL twisted your arm and insisted you are the one who must host - but that doesn't really fit with the voicemail of 'thinking you can pull it off this year'. That seems to imply you wanted to host it.

Would MIL and SIL say they don't want to host and insisted you host?

[Anonymous]

I’d call MIL and ask what that meant. Don’t over complicate this OP. You deserve an explanation, so ask her.

I’m very sorry!

[Anonymous]

Interested to hear How she explains to her son.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you could do would be to just let it go.

There’s almost certainly no “explanation.” People snark. Maybe you said something once that SIL perceived as whining and they’re still jabbering about it. It doesn’t mean there’s an issue. It’s almost certainly not about you at all, it’s just part of their banter.

And also, this isn’t a big deal. It’s barely an insult.

If you just say “np, deleted!” and never mention it again, you’ve demonstrated grace and generosity, and your MIL owes you one. If you call her and demand an explanation, you’re leaning into an awkward mess that won’t help you anyway.

[Anonymous]

Just let it go..the whole glass houses thing. It was snarky and hurtful but people are imperfect and most occasionally say things that are snarky. Sometimes it's in the spirit of camaraderie with whoever they are discussing, sometimes just because they are feeling petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how what’s going on, or how to address it. MIL called me to discuss an upcoming visit, and we also talked about Thanksgiving. DH and I almost always host holidays for his side of the family, but we also occasionally celebrate at MIL/FIL’s house, or with SIL and her husband and family. So there’s something of a rotation, but we end up at my house a lot because there’s more room for overnight guests.

MIL and I get along well, and we had a nice chat. Twenty minutes later, I had a voicemail that MIL clearly meant to leave for her daughter, my SIL, talking about the visit and ending with “Larla is going to host Thanksgiving—I guess she thinks she can pull it off,” then a snarky laugh. I truly don’t understand—DH and I are good cooks, we take care of so many things, we host multiple houseguests for multiple days, and we’ve all been celebrating as a family for 15 years. MIL and SIL both have asked me to host “extra” things like wedding showers and baby showers and even a rehearsal dinner, so my cooking and hosting clearly can’t be that bad.

I sent MIL a text that had the VM in it and said, “Just so you know, you left this for me instead of Carole.” And MIL simply responded with an embarrassed-face emoji.

Where do we go from here? I do want a bit of acknowledgment and explanation. I’m not going to go through the effort of hosting yet again if it is not appreciated. Or if there is something “wrong” they want DH and I to fix, just let us know. I’m truly mystified as I get along with both SIL and MIL, and DH and I host a lot, and SIL and MIL have asked me to host extra things over the years.

I wouldn't want this person in my house or in my life. Do you think that she was drinking ?

My suggestion is to celebrate the holiday elsewhere & let MIL explain your family's absence to the others.

If you host, consider serving the MIL an open bottle of Vodka with a straw.