Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about attending -- it's about Op making this mistake into a defining moment re: your family relationships.

Do you think it should be a defining moment, or not? Because nothing OP has done makes it one way or the other. It depends on how she handles it from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Another scenario -

MIL to SIL : Hi Carole, are u going to be hosting TG this year. This is your turn to host.

SIL : I can't. You know that I have been feeling unwell and it is so much work that no one can pull it off without working their fingers to the bone!

MIL to SIL. : ok, I called Susie and she is going to host TG. She seems to think that she can pull it off...(snarky laugh)...

[Anonymous]

It still isn’t clear why OPs view was that MIL and SIL didn’t want to host and were insistent that OP host every single family event when their actions and what they said now show that isn’t the case. Someone misunderstood the conversations about hosting and clearly MiLs feelings were hurt before OPs were.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the pages, but OP, you should wait and see what MIL does.

Regardless of the past good or bad, you deserve an actual apology

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another scenario -

MIL to SIL : Hi Carole, are u going to be hosting TG this year. This is your turn to host.

SIL : I can't. You know that I have been feeling unwell and it is so much work that no one can pull it off without working their fingers to the bone!

MIL to SIL. : ok, I called Susie and she is going to host TG. She seems to think that she can pull it off...(snarky laugh)...

This adds nothing to this thread and does not paint MIL in a better light, if that was the intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you could do would be to just let it go.

There’s almost certainly no “explanation.” People snark. Maybe you said something once that SIL perceived as whining and they’re still jabbering about it. It doesn’t mean there’s an issue. It’s almost certainly not about you at all, it’s just part of their banter.

And also, this isn’t a big deal. It’s barely an insult.

If you just say “np, deleted!” and never mention it again, you’ve demonstrated grace and generosity, and your MIL owes you one. If you call her and demand an explanation, you’re leaning into an awkward mess that won’t help you anyway.

This!!!
Let it go .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait - Do people pay for hotels of other families when they come to visit? I've never had family pay for us and we've never paid for them. I've actually never had anyone even suggest that.

Parents doing this for college students or young professionals isn’t unheard of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the pages, but OP, you should wait and see what MIL does.

Regardless of the past good or bad, you deserve an actual apology

Maybe you should read everything before posting. The entire situation has been resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It still isn’t clear why OPs view was that MIL and SIL didn’t want to host and were insistent that OP host every single family event when their actions and what they said now show that isn’t the case. Someone misunderstood the conversations about hosting and clearly MiLs feelings were hurt before OPs were.

MIL clearly wants to host and this seems to be an issue between MIL and SIL with SIL taking it away from MIL for some reason. OP probably knows more than she’s letting on to make herself into the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait - Do people pay for hotels of other families when they come to visit? I've never had family pay for us and we've never paid for them. I've actually never had anyone even suggest that.

Parents doing this for college students or young professionals isn’t unheard of.

I've never heard of it, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It still isn’t clear why OPs view was that MIL and SIL didn’t want to host and were insistent that OP host every single family event when their actions and what they said now show that isn’t the case. Someone misunderstood the conversations about hosting and clearly MiLs feelings were hurt before OPs were.

MIL clearly wants to host and this seems to be an issue between MIL and SIL with SIL taking it away from MIL for some reason. OP probably knows more than she’s letting on to make herself into the victim.

SIL got to get out of a) work b) the risk of disappointing ppl c) the surefire snark that would come her way from MIL if she hosted and did not do it quite right AND make OP the bad guy at the same time to MIL.
MIL made the call/snark but SIL was pulling a lot of strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It still isn’t clear why OPs view was that MIL and SIL didn’t want to host and were insistent that OP host every single family event when their actions and what they said now show that isn’t the case. Someone misunderstood the conversations about hosting and clearly MiLs feelings were hurt before OPs were.

MIL clearly wants to host and this seems to be an issue between MIL and SIL with SIL taking it away from MIL for some reason. OP probably knows more than she’s letting on to make herself into the victim.

SIL got to get out of a) work b) the risk of disappointing ppl c) the surefire snark that would come her way from MIL if she hosted and did not do it quite right AND make OP the bad guy at the same time to MIL.
MIL made the call/snark but SIL was pulling a lot of strings.

Sounds like MIL has never done anything but be a gracious guest. But she clearly wants to host and resents not being able to. Sounds like this all worked out for the best. The only loser is SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how what’s going on, or how to address it. MIL called me to discuss an upcoming visit, and we also talked about Thanksgiving. DH and I almost always host holidays for his side of the family, but we also occasionally celebrate at MIL/FIL’s house, or with SIL and her husband and family. So there’s something of a rotation, but we end up at my house a lot because there’s more room for overnight guests.

MIL and I get along well, and we had a nice chat. Twenty minutes later, I had a voicemail that MIL clearly meant to leave for her daughter, my SIL, talking about the visit and ending with “Larla is going to host Thanksgiving—I guess she thinks she can pull it off,” then a snarky laugh. I truly don’t understand—DH and I are good cooks, we take care of so many things, we host multiple houseguests for multiple days, and we’ve all been celebrating as a family for 15 years. MIL and SIL both have asked me to host “extra” things like wedding showers and baby showers and even a rehearsal dinner, so my cooking and hosting clearly can’t be that bad.

I sent MIL a text that had the VM in it and said, “Just so you know, you left this for me instead of Carole.” And MIL simply responded with an embarrassed-face emoji.

Where do we go from here? I do want a bit of acknowledgment and explanation. I’m not going to go through the effort of hosting yet again if it is not appreciated. Or if there is something “wrong” they want DH and I to fix, just let us know. I’m truly mystified as I get along with both SIL and MIL, and DH and I host a lot, and SIL and MIL have asked me to host extra things over the years.

I wouldn't want this person in my house or in my life. Do you think that she was drinking ?

My suggestion is to celebrate the holiday elsewhere & let MIL explain your family's absence to the others.

If you host, consider serving the MIL an open bottle of Vodka with a straw.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine the texts MIL & SIL have been firing off to each other today!

OP here. Oh I sure they have lots to talk about. They had it pretty good for a long time with never having to cram people together or pay for hotels or AirBnBs because we were their free AirBnB. They would throw extra guests at us and vegan requests and we would roll with it. If they secretly resented that it was at my house I guess they effed around and found out that there will be a logistical and effort-filled price to pay for getting their wish to host it themselves. Host away, talk away. I don’t care.

I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve done over the years.

That said, MIL did sound apologetic and when I said I didn’t feel comfortable hosting this year, she said she 100% understood. If she has some more grumbling and grousing to do now that I’ve washed my hands of the situation, she is entitled to her opinions and her feelings. Those are none of my business. I’m kind of caught in the middle of feeling understanding that family feelings and holidays can be complex, genuinely being hurt over a relationship I thought was close, and chuckling to myself that hey you wanted all this? Have at. It will take a LOT of convincing from MIL and SIL for me to ever pick up the mantle again. Too bad for them that they ruined a really good thing. Go ahead and pay for some hotels or make your guest lists shorter, that is the price you are paying for biting the hand that fed you.

NOT apologetic because she’s regretful for talking about you behind your back, OP, because she’s been doing that for who knows how long. Not upset because you found out and it hurt you. She’s upset because now THEY have to figure out something you’ve been handling for years, and they’ve been benefiting from.

OP, ignore this person. There is no reason to assume your relationship with MIL isn’t good or that she isn’t sincere. Shake this off! You handled this perfectly and received a deserved apology, and now you don’t have to host either! It’s a win all around but zero reason to add to the fire by thinking the worst of someone for a single mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait - Do people pay for hotels of other families when they come to visit? I've never had family pay for us and we've never paid for them. I've actually never had anyone even suggest that.

Parents doing this for college students or young professionals isn’t unheard of.

I've never heard of it, either.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio/
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy