Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it end up you are hosting Thanksgiving this year? Have you hosted in past years?

You are making it sound like MIL and SIL twisted your arm and insisted you are the one who must host - but that doesn't really fit with the voicemail of 'thinking you can pull it off this year'. That seems to imply you wanted to host it.

Would MIL and SIL say they don't want to host and insisted you host?

OP here. The “decider” is usually SIL, and the deciding factors are usually how many people will be there, and how many people will need to stay somewhere overnight.

This is where I am really confused: they always acknowledge how much work it is and how DH and I usually end up with the most work of all since we host the biggest gatherings. We’ve never not “pulled it off,” the food is good and comes out on time, we can even pivot to add extra people or make vegan dishes or whatever at the last minute. This is why I’m confused. We’ve never once insisted on hosting and honestly, we end up doing the most work because we host the biggest gatherings.

I hear the advice I’m getting from many of you about letting this go. But DH is really hurt and is coming from a place of, if my mom and sister are going to gossip about you and act ungrateful, we’re not doing this. And he’s not satisfied with an embarrassed emoji, with no explanation or apology. He wants actual acknowledgment. I just want to know how it ends up that they ask us to host the big stuff and rehearsal dinners and stuff if they really are resentful or think I’m a bad host or something.

You have a good DH. I am with him (and you) 100%. I do way less for my ILs and I would not accept this level of snark without a real apology. I have some pride. MIL owes you an apology and a lot of groveling. You’ve basically made her life 1000x easier by doing the holiday/shower hosting she is supposed to be doing. All while (I imagine) handling FT work, young kids, etc. What an a-hole she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it end up you are hosting Thanksgiving this year? Have you hosted in past years?

You are making it sound like MIL and SIL twisted your arm and insisted you are the one who must host - but that doesn't really fit with the voicemail of 'thinking you can pull it off this year'. That seems to imply you wanted to host it.

Would MIL and SIL say they don't want to host and insisted you host?

OP here. The “decider” is usually SIL, and the deciding factors are usually how many people will be there, and how many people will need to stay somewhere overnight.

This is where I am really confused: they always acknowledge how much work it is and how DH and I usually end up with the most work of all since we host the biggest gatherings. We’ve never not “pulled it off,” the food is good and comes out on time, we can even pivot to add extra people or make vegan dishes or whatever at the last minute. This is why I’m confused. We’ve never once insisted on hosting and honestly, we end up doing the most work because we host the biggest gatherings.

I hear the advice I’m getting from many of you about letting this go. But DH is really hurt and is coming from a place of, if my mom and sister are going to gossip about you and act ungrateful, we’re not doing this. And he’s not satisfied with an embarrassed emoji, with no explanation or apology. He wants actual acknowledgment. I just want to know how it ends up that they ask us to host the big stuff and rehearsal dinners and stuff if they really are resentful or think I’m a bad host or something.

You have a good DH. I am with him (and you) 100%. I do way less for my ILs and I would not accept this level of snark without a real apology. I have some pride. MIL owes you an apology and a lot of groveling. You’ve basically made her life 1000x easier by doing the holiday/shower hosting she is supposed to be doing. All while (I imagine) handling FT work, young kids, etc. What an a-hole she is.

THIS!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it end up you are hosting Thanksgiving this year? Have you hosted in past years?

You are making it sound like MIL and SIL twisted your arm and insisted you are the one who must host - but that doesn't really fit with the voicemail of 'thinking you can pull it off this year'. That seems to imply you wanted to host it.

Would MIL and SIL say they don't want to host and insisted you host?

OP here. The “decider” is usually SIL, and the deciding factors are usually how many people will be there, and how many people will need to stay somewhere overnight.

This is where I am really confused: they always acknowledge how much work it is and how DH and I usually end up with the most work of all since we host the biggest gatherings. We’ve never not “pulled it off,” the food is good and comes out on time, we can even pivot to add extra people or make vegan dishes or whatever at the last minute. This is why I’m confused. We’ve never once insisted on hosting and honestly, we end up doing the most work because we host the biggest gatherings.

I hear the advice I’m getting from many of you about letting this go. But DH is really hurt and is coming from a place of, if my mom and sister are going to gossip about you and act ungrateful, we’re not doing this. And he’s not satisfied with an embarrassed emoji, with no explanation or apology. He wants actual acknowledgment. I just want to know how it ends up that they ask us to host the big stuff and rehearsal dinners and stuff if they really are resentful or think I’m a bad host or something.

You have a good DH. I am with him (and you) 100%. I do way less for my ILs and I would not accept this level of snark without a real apology. I have some pride. MIL owes you an apology and a lot of groveling. You’ve basically made her life 1000x easier by doing the holiday/shower hosting she is supposed to be doing. All while (I imagine) handling FT work, young kids, etc. What an a-hole she is.

I agree that DH should call his Mom and sort this out, but how do you figure that his mom is "supposed to be doing" the hosting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

Good for you on involving DH, confronting, dropping the rope and being kind in the process. Rude adults need natural consequences for their childish behavior. That said, I have no doubt she'll now be trashing you, but hold your head up high.

[Anonymous]

I would text back “ What did you mean by that? I thought I “pulled it off” every year.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

Good for you on involving DH, confronting, dropping the rope and being kind in the process. Rude adults need natural consequences for their childish behavior. That said, I have no doubt she'll now be trashing you, but hold your head up high.

She was trashing her ALREADY! Now she knows and can adjust her relationship, and that’s a GOOD THING.

[Anonymous]

That makes sense. A lot of moms like to host their kids for holidays. To have the house filled with family. To cook for their kids. Especially if that was something they did and a way they showed they cared and something they were appreciated for when the kids were young. Especially at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Maybe there was some misunderstanding on your end as you didn't realize that she still wanted to host her fmaily for meals and the lines had gotten crossed and she didn't necessarily want you to host everything.

Glad you worked it out.

[Anonymous]

Just imagine the texts MIL & SIL have been firing off to each other today!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

OP, this is a good outcome. Especially since you and DH are clearly on the same team and have each other's backs.

I wrote the post below. I agree that this is the time to start new traditions for your nuclear family, if that is what you have been thinking about doing. It can be done graciously.

If you still want to celebrate the holiday with those family members, then go ahead and go. Walk into it with the mindset that you are on vacation, and how lovely it is to be taken care of this holiday instead of working on holding the feast. Be generous in praise. Be calm and be pleasant, and enjoy it. Put this behind you. You can all start with a fresh slate next year, and that can be a dialogue that is a little more informed with the realities of what people are dealing with (you, your mIL, everyone involved) than maybe it was before.

That's also a good thing.

OP is going to have to make her own choices. As for me, I would not want to blow things up, or make a big grand decision about never hosting again, but I also wouldn't feel great hosting this coming Thanksgiving. It's a lot of work, and is unresolved, this would fee icky. Not devastating, but icky.

Luckily there's still more than two months before the holiday. Sounds like DH is already talking to his mother. I'd make the call now to not be hosting this year, and I'd let them know now. Quietly and calmly, but clearly. This Thanksgiving would be a holiday for me to put my feet up and eat someone else's food, and I'd be perfectly polite and grateful about it. Very happy to have the luxury of spending time with family, and quite grateful for the food someone cooked.

Maybe MIL will reach out to give an honest apology and explanation before the holidays come around. That would be great, and I'd welcome it. Maybe not -- but if we get into the discussion next year where I am asked or assumed to host, I'd (again, calmly and quietly) mention what happened the year before and that I don't think I can host without resolving it. Or maybe it never comes up, and I never host Thanksgiving again, and I'd find a way -- in that case -- to just set it aside and enjoy the time I have with family.

But I would bow out for this year. This would need a break from responsibility for me, but I'd be supportive of whomever picked up the torch.

[Anonymous]

I know it hurts, OP, but you are better off knowing now that they're this backstabby and snarky. Less stress in your life.

I admire you and your DH for being a strong team and for him insisting in calling her himself and having your back. That is AWESOME. That is what all of us should be able to expect.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does something similar. It’s infuriating, but I think a lot of it is projection. THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT RIGHT! My MIL lives in a small apartment and has hosted before but there’s just not enough space, the place gets stuffy and hot, there’s no place to sit comfortably, and food and plates and wrapping paper are everywhere. I think she’s embarrassed by this and upset with her own situation, so she projects it all onto ME (the woman) and not her SON who host in her stead, at her insistence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine the texts MIL & SIL have been firing off to each other today!

OP here. Oh I sure they have lots to talk about. They had it pretty good for a long time with never having to cram people together or pay for hotels or AirBnBs because we were their free AirBnB. They would throw extra guests at us and vegan requests and we would roll with it. If they secretly resented that it was at my house I guess they effed around and found out that there will be a logistical and effort-filled price to pay for getting their wish to host it themselves. Host away, talk away. I don’t care.

I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve done over the years.

That said, MIL did sound apologetic and when I said I didn’t feel comfortable hosting this year, she said she 100% understood. If she has some more grumbling and grousing to do now that I’ve washed my hands of the situation, she is entitled to her opinions and her feelings. Those are none of my business. I’m kind of caught in the middle of feeling understanding that family feelings and holidays can be complex, genuinely being hurt over a relationship I thought was close, and chuckling to myself that hey you wanted all this? Have at. It will take a LOT of convincing from MIL and SIL for me to ever pick up the mantle again. Too bad for them that they ruined a really good thing. Go ahead and pay for some hotels or make your guest lists shorter, that is the price you are paying for biting the hand that fed you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

Good update, op. You handled it with grace and MIL apologized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

Good for you on involving DH, confronting, dropping the rope and being kind in the process. Rude adults need natural consequences for their childish behavior. That said, I have no doubt she'll now be trashing you, but hold your head up high.

She was trashing her ALREADY! Now she knows and can adjust her relationship, and that’s a GOOD THING.

I would go all out this year and then let it be your last one you host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine the texts MIL & SIL have been firing off to each other today!

OP here. Oh I sure they have lots to talk about. They had it pretty good for a long time with never having to cram people together or pay for hotels or AirBnBs because we were their free AirBnB. They would throw extra guests at us and vegan requests and we would roll with it. If they secretly resented that it was at my house I guess they effed around and found out that there will be a logistical and effort-filled price to pay for getting their wish to host it themselves. Host away, talk away. I don’t care.

I’ve been reflecting on how much I’ve done over the years.

That said, MIL did sound apologetic and when I said I didn’t feel comfortable hosting this year, she said she 100% understood. If she has some more grumbling and grousing to do now that I’ve washed my hands of the situation, she is entitled to her opinions and her feelings. Those are none of my business. I’m kind of caught in the middle of feeling understanding that family feelings and holidays can be complex, genuinely being hurt over a relationship I thought was close, and chuckling to myself that hey you wanted all this? Have at. It will take a LOT of convincing from MIL and SIL for me to ever pick up the mantle again. Too bad for them that they ruined a really good thing. Go ahead and pay for some hotels or make your guest lists shorter, that is the price you are paying for biting the hand that fed you.

Good for you OP!!!