Do you ever think of how much STUFF you are leaving for your family to deal with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you care?

I’m helping my cousins deal with their mother’s house. My aunt’s passing was very sad, but what’s even sadder is how much work my cousins have to do—amid their grief and all the legal ramifications—to deal with the stuff, stuff, stuff, STUFF.

Do older adults ever even consider how much stuff their adult kids/families will have to deal with? Do you care? Do you get that your family will have to deal with your STUFF after your death, or when you transition to assisted living or a nursing home, *while they are also dealing with their own homes, families, jobs, etc.?*

JFC, tell them to take what they want and get an estate sale company.

DP. Not sure it’s relevant to op but my hoarder mother hid all the sentimental stuff as well as cash throughout the hoard. It was a nightmare.

Hoarders are obviously a different situation from the run of the mill old person who simply has stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my aunt's knew she was dying for 18 months (stage 4 lung cancer in her 80s). She did NOTHING to prepare. I didn't expect her to clean out her house, but at least getting her 2 kids on a bank account they could plan her funeral after she died would have been helpful. She had loads of money and one of them was maxing out a credit card to get it all paid for. It just seemed so silly to me.

My mom added me to her main checking account when she turned 70, just so I could have access to some money if I did need to manage something for her. Of course we have a good relationship and I'd never abuse the situation.

Some people shut down.

That's why it's important to do this when things are going well and you're relatively healthy.

Some people are just weak and selfish or maybe mentally ill and paranoid. They never do what’s best, even for them. It’s all misguided by their fears of all kinds.

Yeah what an a-hole, that woman with stage 4 cancer who was so selfish by not scrubbing everything in sight so no one would ever have to think of her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

YOU are the one who has a “control issue”. You think you are entitled to dictate to your parents how they should live their lives and what possessions they should own. Get over it.

Funny that this is what you got out of my post. Foreseeing the eventual outcome of bad decisions is not having a "control issue". Yes, I could foresee 25+ years ago that if my parents don't clear out their possessions and keep buying, they'll end up on the top of the pile, exactly as they have. It's a mindset. Me-me-me, more-more-more, buy-buy-buy. Yes, my parents have control issues that span to other areas, not just this. Everybody in the same situation knows what I'm talking about. And no, I don't care about the inheritance or their pile or anything they own at all, I have plenty of my own s***, I'm 50+. As I said, I'm in the process of reducing my own pile on this earth. They are now worried about who wants their stuff. Nobody, that's who. Btw, my mom also hid her jewelry 25+ years ago and has yet to find it. It's all so tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through this right now. Parents are alive but unexpectedly in an IL facility due to my father's stroke. So far we've spent $5k just on trash removal from their 3500sf home, never mind hours upon hours of our time (I have 2 siblings). Multiple dumpsters, plus a hired junk hauler to clean out the basement.

We had a quote for $8k just to make the house look presentable for sale. (We declined.)

It's hard to get rid of stuff, but managing the excess along the way instead of hoarding it all until the bitter end seems like the correct path!

But as evidenced by your dad's unexpected stroke, no one knows when the "bitter end" is! Yes, if you're in your 80s, you should absolutely be downsizing and getting rid of excess but bad things happen unexpectedly all the time and likely most people, like your parents for instance, think they have more time than they do to deal w/ their stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and older relatives have some sick joke that if we’re inheriting all their money we have to deal with cleaning and selling.

It is what it is. I think by 85, people should have their homes parsed down and cleared out. Like spare room closets empty, attic empty, basement empty

Really they should just move into their graves - sleep in a coffin, only wear the thing they want to be buried in.

You're right. Wishing my parents didn't have a garage full of broken car parts is the same as wishing they were dead. You're very smart and not at all a tedious POS.

So help them get rid of that stuff now, or figure out who you're going to have to call when the time comes. What do you want them to do? You think your parents are suddenly going to become completely different people, becuase you're planning for their death?

The entitlement on this thread is astonishing.

What the actual F does the above complaint have to do with "entitlement"???? People throw that label on anything they don't like to read on here.

The people who complain about having to clean out the houses are presumably the ones who are inheriting those houses (otherwise, why bother?)

So, yeah, if someone is giving you a few hundred grands, either put in some elbow grease or share some of that bounty with people who don’t mind rolling up their sleeves. Expecting to get a free house just the way you like it the definition of entitlement.

You are welcome.

Do you think everyone is getting "a few hundred grand"? You need to get out more.

+1 that poster you quoted is only looking at a small segment of people. Most people are not going to get a few hundred grand inheritance/house. That is statistically very few people who get that much.

[Anonymous]

I guess I am the only one who things this is NBD.

My parents both died suddenly and unexpectedly within months of eachother. My sister and I were left to clean out 40+ years of worldly possessions. We kept what we wanted, donated some and tossed some. It took a couple weeks but we weren't overly burdened by this. It felt like we were able to honor our parents by taking care of this for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is certainly ideal for people to declutter throughout the their lives, and in anticipation of their death…I also think those who have not faced old age should be slow to judge.

You have numbered days and less energy as you get old. You may also hope that the younger generation will value family heirlooms and mementos. You may find it isolating and depressing to spend your final days on the planet cleaning out all evidence of your existence. If you have devoted your whole life to others, maybe you want to do something more enjoyable with your waning days or energy.

Not justifying leaving a mess, but just trying to open younger people’s minds to why this may happen.

Plus those mementos are often what’s sustaining you through your later years. The people and places are gone, and those old theater programs or what not is your chance to reminisce of what has been. It’s cruel to demand that people vanish without a trace in order to make your life more convenient.

These later years shouldn't be "sustained." We've become a sick deranged society where a purposeless, joyless life is prolonged far too extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you care?

I’m helping my cousins deal with their mother’s house. My aunt’s passing was very sad, but what’s even sadder is how much work my cousins have to do—amid their grief and all the legal ramifications—to deal with the stuff, stuff, stuff, STUFF.

Do older adults ever even consider how much stuff their adult kids/families will have to deal with? Do you care? Do you get that your family will have to deal with your STUFF after your death, or when you transition to assisted living or a nursing home, *while they are also dealing with their own homes, families, jobs, etc.?*

JFC, tell them to take what they want and get an estate sale company.

DP. Not sure it’s relevant to op but my hoarder mother hid all the sentimental stuff as well as cash throughout the hoard. It was a nightmare.

I found nine hundred dollars under a mattress, checks that had never been cashed and my dad’s ration booklets from World War Two when he was a child. His old report cards from elementary school. Not ours. His own. It was truly bizarre. I think our generation has always had the internet so we are less likely to have a room full of paper. We scan stuff in and that’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you care?

I’m helping my cousins deal with their mother’s house. My aunt’s passing was very sad, but what’s even sadder is how much work my cousins have to do—amid their grief and all the legal ramifications—to deal with the stuff, stuff, stuff, STUFF.

Do older adults ever even consider how much stuff their adult kids/families will have to deal with? Do you care? Do you get that your family will have to deal with your STUFF after your death, or when you transition to assisted living or a nursing home, *while they are also dealing with their own homes, families, jobs, etc.?*

JFC, tell them to take what they want and get an estate sale company.

DP. Not sure it’s relevant to op but my hoarder mother hid all the sentimental stuff as well as cash throughout the hoard. It was a nightmare.

I found nine hundred dollars under a mattress, checks that had never been cashed and my dad’s ration booklets from World War Two when he was a child. His old report cards from elementary school. Not ours. His own. It was truly bizarre. I think our generation has always had the internet so we are less likely to have a room full of paper. We scan stuff in and that’s that.

That is what was precious to him. Does no part of you see this as your last opportunity to know the man who helped shape you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you care?

I’m helping my cousins deal with their mother’s house. My aunt’s passing was very sad, but what’s even sadder is how much work my cousins have to do—amid their grief and all the legal ramifications—to deal with the stuff, stuff, stuff, STUFF.

Do older adults ever even consider how much stuff their adult kids/families will have to deal with? Do you care? Do you get that your family will have to deal with your STUFF after your death, or when you transition to assisted living or a nursing home, *while they are also dealing with their own homes, families, jobs, etc.?*

JFC, tell them to take what they want and get an estate sale company.

DP. Not sure it’s relevant to op but my hoarder mother hid all the sentimental stuff as well as cash throughout the hoard. It was a nightmare.

I found nine hundred dollars under a mattress, checks that had never been cashed and my dad’s ration booklets from World War Two when he was a child. His old report cards from elementary school. Not ours. His own. It was truly bizarre. I think our generation has always had the internet so we are less likely to have a room full of paper. We scan stuff in and that’s that.

Not weird for someone to keep a report card. It's a piece of paper. Takes no space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you care?

I’m helping my cousins deal with their mother’s house. My aunt’s passing was very sad, but what’s even sadder is how much work my cousins have to do—amid their grief and all the legal ramifications—to deal with the stuff, stuff, stuff, STUFF.

Do older adults ever even consider how much stuff their adult kids/families will have to deal with? Do you care? Do you get that your family will have to deal with your STUFF after your death, or when you transition to assisted living or a nursing home, *while they are also dealing with their own homes, families, jobs, etc.?*

JFC, tell them to take what they want and get an estate sale company.

DP. Not sure it’s relevant to op but my hoarder mother hid all the sentimental stuff as well as cash throughout the hoard. It was a nightmare.

I found nine hundred dollars under a mattress, checks that had never been cashed and my dad’s ration booklets from World War Two when he was a child. His old report cards from elementary school. Not ours. His own. It was truly bizarre. I think our generation has always had the internet so we are less likely to have a room full of paper. We scan stuff in and that’s that.

I would love to see my dad's old report cards. How did he do in school?

[Anonymous]

The dad in question was an abusive narcissist who disowned my sister and psychologically tortured my mother. No desire to know him better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No more keeping things in case they ever come in handy.

I think this drives a lot of it. People can imagine uses for things, but they don’t think about what they could do if they needed something they gave away.

To be honest, I really have needed many things I initially would have tossed. Yes, I could have bought another once I realized it, but what an incredible waste of money.

Or you could have borrowed it or found it on Freecycle or Buy Nothing. I mean, not if we're talking about getting rid of a tiara, but for every one thing I need to replace or do without, there are 10 that are providing a benefit to their new owners.

Other people pay organizers hundreds of dollars. I give the hardware store $20 for new Mason jars when I get back into canning after thinking I didn't want to bother any longer.

Yeah but it's not always that simple, depending on the item you're talking about. Sure, I could buy new or borrow or find on freecycle for a lot of items but not for everything. I love decluttering and get antsy when we have too much stuff BUT I also see the value in just keeping a dedicated "junk box" where I store random cords and things that I really might need again and would be tricky to replace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on team declutter BUT I do struggle with the "might need it someday" fear. I know that someday is never, but it's still hard to get rid of stuff that's mostly hidden away in closets and drawers. It's easy to fall back on just leaving it there "just in case."

I agree. I’ll put together a batch of stuff to donate and inevitably I’ll pull one or two things out “just in case”. Most of the time those items end up in my next batch of donations.

This is me. But also, this is me: looking for something that I want or need to use or that would be perfect for something I am doing, and realizing I gave it away. Ugh! (Yes, this happens more often than I care to admit.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is certainly ideal for people to declutter throughout the their lives, and in anticipation of their death…I also think those who have not faced old age should be slow to judge.

You have numbered days and less energy as you get old. You may also hope that the younger generation will value family heirlooms and mementos. You may find it isolating and depressing to spend your final days on the planet cleaning out all evidence of your existence. If you have devoted your whole life to others, maybe you want to do something more enjoyable with your waning days or energy.

Not justifying leaving a mess, but just trying to open younger people’s minds to why this may happen.

Plus those mementos are often what’s sustaining you through your later years. The people and places are gone, and those old theater programs or what not is your chance to reminisce of what has been. It’s cruel to demand that people vanish without a trace in order to make your life more convenient.

These later years shouldn't be "sustained." We've become a sick deranged society where a purposeless, joyless life is prolonged far too extreme.

So, in your view, people over the age of what 60? 70? should just kill themselves rather than "prolong far too extreme" their joyless life?