Do you ever think of how much STUFF you are leaving for your family to deal with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is certainly ideal for people to declutter throughout the their lives, and in anticipation of their death…I also think those who have not faced old age should be slow to judge.

You have numbered days and less energy as you get old. You may also hope that the younger generation will value family heirlooms and mementos. You may find it isolating and depressing to spend your final days on the planet cleaning out all evidence of your existence. If you have devoted your whole life to others, maybe you want to do something more enjoyable with your waning days or energy.

Not justifying leaving a mess, but just trying to open younger people’s minds to why this may happen.

Plus those mementos are often what’s sustaining you through your later years. The people and places are gone, and those old theater programs or what not is your chance to reminisce of what has been. It’s cruel to demand that people vanish without a trace in order to make your life more convenient.

+1 There is a cold detachment about some of these posts that bothers me.

Like the decedent’s children resent the hassle surrounding their demise, like “these people created a hassle for me which they should have considered as they were nearing death.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh please. I promise - they have not. They just think they are superior to the old people who have dared not to die yet. Their stuff is still junk, and I promise that one day someone who doesn't want to deal with it will have to deal with it.

Speak for yourself. I'm decluttering right now, I'm doing it regularly, perhaps once a year. Right now I'm taking on a bigger task as the kids are teens and I have the energy and desire to get rid of things. The pile of stuff we're talking about is not something that "old people" suddenly end up with unnoticed. It's literally stuff that has been accumulating over the past 40-50 years. I personally started telling my parents to get rid of unused things in my 20s, when they were younger than I am now. They didn't. As I said before, it's a control issue. Yes, indeed, once you're 80+, it's unlikely you'll have the energy to deal with 40-50 years of possessions, which is why it's best to not even to start on this path (I was a minimalist until starting a family), or at least keep an eye on the pile regularly (outgrown kids' stuff takes up 90% of my "pile" right now). We'll all die. This is something one has to come to terms with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh please. I promise - they have not. They just think they are superior to the old people who have dared not to die yet. Their stuff is still junk, and I promise that one day someone who doesn't want to deal with it will have to deal with it.

Speak for yourself. I'm decluttering right now, I'm doing it regularly, perhaps once a year. Right now I'm taking on a bigger task as the kids are teens and I have the energy and desire to get rid of things. The pile of stuff we're talking about is not something that "old people" suddenly end up with unnoticed. It's literally stuff that has been accumulating over the past 40-50 years. I personally started telling my parents to get rid of unused things in my 20s, when they were younger than I am now. They didn't. As I said before, it's a control issue. Yes, indeed, once you're 80+, it's unlikely you'll have the energy to deal with 40-50 years of possessions, which is why it's best to not even to start on this path (I was a minimalist until starting a family), or at least keep an eye on the pile regularly (outgrown kids' stuff takes up 90% of my "pile" right now). We'll all die. This is something one has to come to terms with.

YOU are the one who has a “control issue”. You think you are entitled to dictate to your parents how they should live their lives and what possessions they should own. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Some do and some don't. What are you doing with YOUR stuff? Sometimes death comes early and you don't have time to get rid of it. Would you still be angry at them if they get hit by a bus? Or is that a pass?

You can only control yourself. Why not YOU do better?

I think the OP and most of the people contributing to the discussion realize that hoarding stuff is a PROBLEM and they already have plans or are now decluttering. So they have already passed the first hurdle of getting attached to stuff.

I'm constantly getting rid of stuff but, for my benefit first. I don't like a lot of clutter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you care?

I’m helping my cousins deal with their mother’s house. My aunt’s passing was very sad, but what’s even sadder is how much work my cousins have to do—amid their grief and all the legal ramifications—to deal with the stuff, stuff, stuff, STUFF.

Do older adults ever even consider how much stuff their adult kids/families will have to deal with? Do you care? Do you get that your family will have to deal with your STUFF after your death, or when you transition to assisted living or a nursing home, *while they are also dealing with their own homes, families, jobs, etc.?*

JFC, tell them to take what they want and get an estate sale company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Death cleaning is important to do before you die.

I plan to downsize dramatically and essentially live in a minimalist condo—ideally by the beach.

I’ll sell or give away all the sentimental stuff, etc. and just live with comfortable furnishings and a few family photos. That way, my kids can sell the condo furnished if they like or simply have a company empty it.

If we downsized, we would be paying more for the 'minimalist condo', even it it's not by the beach, esp if my husband gets to call the shots and stay in the DC area. Keeping my big house, thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

One of my aunt's knew she was dying for 18 months (stage 4 lung cancer in her 80s). She did NOTHING to prepare. I didn't expect her to clean out her house, but at least getting her 2 kids on a bank account they could plan her funeral after she died would have been helpful. She had loads of money and one of them was maxing out a credit card to get it all paid for. It just seemed so silly to me.

My mom added me to her main checking account when she turned 70, just so I could have access to some money if I did need to manage something for her. Of course we have a good relationship and I'd never abuse the situation.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a hoarder and filled two properties with junk. Once she couldn’t visit one of the properties anymore, I got the keys from my dad and started secretly clearing it out (my brother partook as well). We had to do it as we took turns visiting our parents who live across the country.
When our mother died I spent 6 weeks there cleaning out the house they lived in.
We sold the second property which was in decrepit condition and would take too much money and effort to make livable - some diy/flipper guy bought it. We brought dad to live with us (closer to us) but he still doesn’t want to sell his house and it’s just sitting there without repairs or anything. It costs very little but it annoys me in a way any unfinished business annoys a highly organized person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my aunt's knew she was dying for 18 months (stage 4 lung cancer in her 80s). She did NOTHING to prepare. I didn't expect her to clean out her house, but at least getting her 2 kids on a bank account they could plan her funeral after she died would have been helpful. She had loads of money and one of them was maxing out a credit card to get it all paid for. It just seemed so silly to me.

My mom added me to her main checking account when she turned 70, just so I could have access to some money if I did need to manage something for her. Of course we have a good relationship and I'd never abuse the situation.

Some people shut down.

That's why it's important to do this when things are going well and you're relatively healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents and older relatives have some sick joke that if we’re inheriting all their money we have to deal with cleaning and selling.

It is what it is. I think by 85, people should have their homes parsed down and cleared out. Like spare room closets empty, attic empty, basement empty

It's pared down, not parsed down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you care?

I’m helping my cousins deal with their mother’s house. My aunt’s passing was very sad, but what’s even sadder is how much work my cousins have to do—amid their grief and all the legal ramifications—to deal with the stuff, stuff, stuff, STUFF.

Do older adults ever even consider how much stuff their adult kids/families will have to deal with? Do you care? Do you get that your family will have to deal with your STUFF after your death, or when you transition to assisted living or a nursing home, *while they are also dealing with their own homes, families, jobs, etc.?*

JFC, tell them to take what they want and get an estate sale company.

DP. Not sure it’s relevant to op but my hoarder mother hid all the sentimental stuff as well as cash throughout the hoard. It was a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my aunt's knew she was dying for 18 months (stage 4 lung cancer in her 80s). She did NOTHING to prepare. I didn't expect her to clean out her house, but at least getting her 2 kids on a bank account they could plan her funeral after she died would have been helpful. She had loads of money and one of them was maxing out a credit card to get it all paid for. It just seemed so silly to me.

My mom added me to her main checking account when she turned 70, just so I could have access to some money if I did need to manage something for her. Of course we have a good relationship and I'd never abuse the situation.

Some people shut down.

That's why it's important to do this when things are going well and you're relatively healthy.

Some people are just weak and selfish or maybe mentally ill and paranoid. They never do what’s best, even for them. It’s all misguided by their fears of all kinds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh please. I promise - they have not. They just think they are superior to the old people who have dared not to die yet. Their stuff is still junk, and I promise that one day someone who doesn't want to deal with it will have to deal with it.

Speak for yourself. I'm decluttering right now, I'm doing it regularly, perhaps once a year. Right now I'm taking on a bigger task as the kids are teens and I have the energy and desire to get rid of things. The pile of stuff we're talking about is not something that "old people" suddenly end up with unnoticed. It's literally stuff that has been accumulating over the past 40-50 years. I personally started telling my parents to get rid of unused things in my 20s, when they were younger than I am now. They didn't. As I said before, it's a control issue. Yes, indeed, once you're 80+, it's unlikely you'll have the energy to deal with 40-50 years of possessions, which is why it's best to not even to start on this path (I was a minimalist until starting a family), or at least keep an eye on the pile regularly (outgrown kids' stuff takes up 90% of my "pile" right now). We'll all die. This is something one has to come to terms with.

YOU are the one who has a “control issue”. You think you are entitled to dictate to your parents how they should live their lives and what possessions they should own. Get over it.

DP. An honest conversation would be helpful.
Adult child: I don't want to deal with the effort and expense of clearing your estate.
Parents: I don't want to alter my life now for some undefined future.

Done. Then parents can continue to live as they want. And posters can set the issue aside until it's time to call a charity and have everything cleared as a donation and tax write-off.

In this scenario some ground rules would help.*
Adult child: Please put your important papers (acct. numbers, contact list, etc.) in one place and tell me the location so I can retrieve them easily.
Parent: Please don't nag or criticize my choices of what I'm hanging on to.

*health and safety being the exceptions to any rule.

Then EVERYONE lives with the consequences of their decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is certainly ideal for people to declutter throughout the their lives, and in anticipation of their death…I also think those who have not faced old age should be slow to judge.

You have numbered days and less energy as you get old. You may also hope that the younger generation will value family heirlooms and mementos. You may find it isolating and depressing to spend your final days on the planet cleaning out all evidence of your existence. If you have devoted your whole life to others, maybe you want to do something more enjoyable with your waning days or energy.

Not justifying leaving a mess, but just trying to open younger people’s minds to why this may happen.

Plus those mementos are often what’s sustaining you through your later years. The people and places are gone, and those old theater programs or what not is your chance to reminisce of what has been. It’s cruel to demand that people vanish without a trace in order to make your life more convenient.

Ugh, no boomer you are not being sustained by the crap that you haven’t looked at in 30 years, that is sitting in boxes or piles that you can’t get access anyway. It’s a mental health and mental decline problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is certainly ideal for people to declutter throughout the their lives, and in anticipation of their death…I also think those who have not faced old age should be slow to judge.

You have numbered days and less energy as you get old. You may also hope that the younger generation will value family heirlooms and mementos. You may find it isolating and depressing to spend your final days on the planet cleaning out all evidence of your existence. If you have devoted your whole life to others, maybe you want to do something more enjoyable with your waning days or energy.

Not justifying leaving a mess, but just trying to open younger people’s minds to why this may happen.

Plus those mementos are often what’s sustaining you through your later years. The people and places are gone, and those old theater programs or what not is your chance to reminisce of what has been. It’s cruel to demand that people vanish without a trace in order to make your life more convenient.

Ugh, no boomer you are not being sustained by the crap that you haven’t looked at in 30 years, that is sitting in boxes or piles that you can’t get access anyway. It’s a mental health and mental decline problem.

DP. In my mom's case, it isn't that she goes through all her mementos, it would be traumatic to her if she didn't have these things because culling them would be like erasing her own existence. Believe me, I know stuff =/= human worth, but my mom would struggle to define herself without the external input.