DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree your son was rude, and your FIL is generous. He was deservedly reprimanded.

However, I don’t think you should expect your son to be as grateful for the 529 as you are. He is right: he didn’t ask for the 529, and it’s probably not something he cares about. In my view, a gift giver should think about what the recipient wants—not just what the recipient SHOULD want. As an adult, I understand that college tuition is more valuable than a squishmallow, but it wouldn’t make it a better birthday gift.

Imagine that you were wealthy and able to self-fund college without any debt. If you then told your child—I am not giving you any presents for Christmas or birthday, because I am paying for your college tuition instead—it wouldn’t surprise me if your child felt hurt.

So if I were speaking to your son, I would say he should apologize and be grateful. Nobody is entitled to any particular gift. But if I were speaking to your FIL, I would say he should consider getting your kids actual presents in addition to, or instead of, paying for college.

This is a ridiculously dumb take. OP, ignore this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody….this person is posting on DCUM, not Bumblef**k urban moms.

The DCUM demographic is primarily full pay for their kids’ college no matter what school they attend.

If my FIL puts $200k in my kid’s 529 that is a gift to me and my wife. He just saved us $200k. We would thank him profusely. I don’t even know if I would tell my kid.

This is not the forum for OP to get much sympathy.

Uh, what? It isn’t a gift to you, at all. It is for your child. YOU aren’t obligated to pay for their college. The only person with an obligation to pay for college is the one that wants to attend. You do know that plenty of kids go to college on their own dime, right? Sometimes it is a case of parents didn’t save, sometimes parents don’t want to pay.

Not in DCUM world. That’s the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody….this person is posting on DCUM, not Bumblef**k urban moms.

The DCUM demographic is primarily full pay for their kids’ college no matter what school they attend.

If my FIL puts $200k in my kid’s 529 that is a gift to me and my wife. He just saved us $200k. We would thank him profusely. I don’t even know if I would tell my kid.

This is not the forum for OP to get much sympathy.

Uh, what? It isn’t a gift to you, at all. It is for your child. YOU aren’t obligated to pay for their college. The only person with an obligation to pay for college is the one that wants to attend. You do know that plenty of kids go to college on their own dime, right? Sometimes it is a case of parents didn’t save, sometimes parents don’t want to pay.

Not in DCUM world. That’s the point.

+1

Entitlement sucks but really if DCUM parents don’t pay, their kids are going to be stuck with massive student loan debt or going to community college (not the end of the world of course, but still). Those kids who go to a good state school on their own dime without massive debt don’t have parents who make 400K a year.

But yeah the kid was massively rude and should get a job/threatened with community college.

[Anonymous]

I think most posters are missing where the comment really came from and that is a place of hurt. I believe your kid is hurt that his grandfather can’t be bothered to pick out a gift he would like and give it to him. I think the grandfather is inconsiderate and should be told kids like presents that show adults care.

As a parent, I disregard 529s that I don’t have direct control over because the grandparent could change their mind and pull the money anytime. It’s not really a gift when it’s not even in your name. And this happens.

The grandfather is wealthy but only giving a conditional gift that really isn’t a gift. It’s like
when my well off in-laws keep sending cards with $5 in them. Cute when the kid is 5, but the tween can’t even buy a bubble tea with it.

Also, a 529 is a gift to parents as well as kids, but again conditional. Cash is the only true gift since there are no take backs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody….this person is posting on DCUM, not Bumblef**k urban moms.

The DCUM demographic is primarily full pay for their kids’ college no matter what school they attend.

If my FIL puts $200k in my kid’s 529 that is a gift to me and my wife. He just saved us $200k. We would thank him profusely. I don’t even know if I would tell my kid.

This is not the forum for OP to get much sympathy.

Uh, what? It isn’t a gift to you, at all. It is for your child. YOU aren’t obligated to pay for their college. The only person with an obligation to pay for college is the one that wants to attend. You do know that plenty of kids go to college on their own dime, right? Sometimes it is a case of parents didn’t save, sometimes parents don’t want to pay.

Not in DCUM world. That’s the point.

+1

Entitlement sucks but really if DCUM parents don’t pay, their kids are going to be stuck with massive student loan debt or going to community college (not the end of the world of course, but still). Those kids who go to a good state school on their own dime without massive debt don’t have parents who make 400K a year.

But yeah the kid was massively rude and should get a job/threatened with community college.

Not saying they won’t have debt, but no one’s parents, no matter their income, are obligated to finance college.

They could enlist or do ROTC. They could get a job, support their own living expenses, save up. Or they can take out a bunch of loans. Or they can work really hard and get scholarships. Parents are not under any legal obligation to fund college. If a parents feels a personal obligation to provide, then that is their own problem. Grandpa’s money is still not for their benefit, rather, the child’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody….this person is posting on DCUM, not Bumblef**k urban moms.

The DCUM demographic is primarily full pay for their kids’ college no matter what school they attend.

If my FIL puts $200k in my kid’s 529 that is a gift to me and my wife. He just saved us $200k. We would thank him profusely. I don’t even know if I would tell my kid.

This is not the forum for OP to get much sympathy.

Uh, what? It isn’t a gift to you, at all. It is for your child. YOU aren’t obligated to pay for their college. The only person with an obligation to pay for college is the one that wants to attend. You do know that plenty of kids go to college on their own dime, right? Sometimes it is a case of parents didn’t save, sometimes parents don’t want to pay.

Not in DCUM world. That’s the point.

+1

Entitlement sucks but really if DCUM parents don’t pay, their kids are going to be stuck with massive student loan debt or going to community college (not the end of the world of course, but still). Those kids who go to a good state school on their own dime without massive debt don’t have parents who make 400K a year.

But yeah the kid was massively rude and should get a job/threatened with community college.

Not saying they won’t have debt, but no one’s parents, no matter their income, are obligated to finance college.

They could enlist or do ROTC. They could get a job, support their own living expenses, save up. Or they can take out a bunch of loans. Or they can work really hard and get scholarships. Parents are not under any legal obligation to fund college. If a parents feels a personal obligation to provide, then that is their own problem. Grandpa’s money is still not for their benefit, rather, the child’s.

You are right...but not in the world of DCUM. OP is free to post in another forum where the demographic is not families that make probably a minimum of $300k but more like $500k+. At least the families with kids about to enter college.

Folks, you are in for a rude awakening when you go to the college forum. On that forum, there are more posts from parents that have OVER-FUNDED their kid's 529 vs. parents who can't pay for college, or the parents are BigLaw partners and will just cash flow their kids college because $100k/year is nothing when you make $3MM a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most posters are missing where the comment really came from and that is a place of hurt. I believe your kid is hurt that his grandfather can’t be bothered to pick out a gift he would like and give it to him. I think the grandfather is inconsiderate and should be told kids like presents that show adults care.

As a parent, I disregard 529s that I don’t have direct control over because the grandparent could change their mind and pull the money anytime. It’s not really a gift when it’s not even in your name. And this happens.

The grandfather is wealthy but only giving a conditional gift that really isn’t a gift. It’s like
when my well off in-laws keep sending cards with $5 in them. Cute when the kid is 5, but the tween can’t even buy a bubble tea with it.

Also, a 529 is a gift to parents as well as kids, but again conditional. Cash is the only true gift since there are no take backs.

I think lots of people are agreeing that the kid’s feelings were justified whether he was hurt, frustrated or disappointed. It still doesn’t excuse his behavior. He acted rudely to his grandparent and that’s unacceptable for a 14 year old. The parents need to help him find ways to manage his frustrations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody….this person is posting on DCUM, not Bumblef**k urban moms.

The DCUM demographic is primarily full pay for their kids’ college no matter what school they attend.

If my FIL puts $200k in my kid’s 529 that is a gift to me and my wife. He just saved us $200k. We would thank him profusely. I don’t even know if I would tell my kid.

This is not the forum for OP to get much sympathy.

Uh, what? It isn’t a gift to you, at all. It is for your child. YOU aren’t obligated to pay for their college. The only person with an obligation to pay for college is the one that wants to attend. You do know that plenty of kids go to college on their own dime, right? Sometimes it is a case of parents didn’t save, sometimes parents don’t want to pay.

Not in DCUM world. That’s the point.

+1

Entitlement sucks but really if DCUM parents don’t pay, their kids are going to be stuck with massive student loan debt or going to community college (not the end of the world of course, but still). Those kids who go to a good state school on their own dime without massive debt don’t have parents who make 400K a year.

But yeah the kid was massively rude and should get a job/threatened with community college.

Not saying they won’t have debt, but no one’s parents, no matter their income, are obligated to finance college.

They could enlist or do ROTC. They could get a job, support their own living expenses, save up. Or they can take out a bunch of loans. Or they can work really hard and get scholarships. Parents are not under any legal obligation to fund college. If a parents feels a personal obligation to provide, then that is their own problem. Grandpa’s money is still not for their benefit, rather, the child’s.

I would have 100% agreed with you before I started looking into college expenses for my own child. I paid my own way, my husband paid his own way, etc. And I get why you feel the way you do. But look at the options you’re talking about and they all massively suck. Not in a “I didn’t get a PlayStation” way, in a “this probably had a decades-long negative impact on my adult life” kind of way. I would never make my child join the military. Student loan debt has made it impossible for millions of people to do basic things like buy houses and have modest savings. Merit aid scholarships that entirely fund education…do they even exist? They certainly don’t at the kind of school I would want my kid to go to (4 year state school). And I don’t think a high school graduate even could save up for college by working.

None of this is the end of the world, but I would never feel comfortable doing this to my child because I can easily help them avoid it. I don’t use the law as my standard for the kind of parent I want to be. I don’t know what OP should do though, my kids have seen social media posts about how awful student loan debt is and I have to calm them down by reassuring them that they won’t have to go into six-figure debt to get a degree.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe anyone is on the kid's side!

I haven't read every page, but I see no acknowledgment of generational respect. I would have a very serious conversation with this kid about WHY grandpa has chosen to fully fund his college education, and what an irreplaceable gift that is. Explain that to grandpa, THAT IS THE GIFT. He won't be tossing in Amazon cards or Lego sets ... he's paid for college.

Then your son needs to write him a very compassionate letter in which he thanks him for this gift and apologizes for his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

Well obviously you HAVE raised an entitled kid and now you know. What an ungrateful brat. He will struggle when he enters the real world some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody….this person is posting on DCUM, not Bumblef**k urban moms.

The DCUM demographic is primarily full pay for their kids’ college no matter what school they attend.

If my FIL puts $200k in my kid’s 529 that is a gift to me and my wife. He just saved us $200k. We would thank him profusely. I don’t even know if I would tell my kid.

This is not the forum for OP to get much sympathy.

Uh, what? It isn’t a gift to you, at all. It is for your child. YOU aren’t obligated to pay for their college. The only person with an obligation to pay for college is the one that wants to attend. You do know that plenty of kids go to college on their own dime, right? Sometimes it is a case of parents didn’t save, sometimes parents don’t want to pay.

Not in DCUM world. That’s the point.

+1

Entitlement sucks but really if DCUM parents don’t pay, their kids are going to be stuck with massive student loan debt or going to community college (not the end of the world of course, but still). Those kids who go to a good state school on their own dime without massive debt don’t have parents who make 400K a year.

But yeah the kid was massively rude and should get a job/threatened with community college.

Not saying they won’t have debt, but no one’s parents, no matter their income, are obligated to finance college.

They could enlist or do ROTC. They could get a job, support their own living expenses, save up. Or they can take out a bunch of loans. Or they can work really hard and get scholarships. Parents are not under any legal obligation to fund college. If a parents feels a personal obligation to provide, then that is their own problem. Grandpa’s money is still not for their benefit, rather, the child’s.

I don't disagree that parents aren't required to pay for their kids colleges, but what job do you think an 18 YO can get that will let them save up for college at today's prices (other than community college, but you didn't specify that). Also, there are tight limits on the college loans that students themselves are eligible for. Again, nowhere even approaching the cost per year of a 4 year college.

I do agree that the money in the 529 is a gift for the kid, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

Well obviously you HAVE raised an entitled kid and now you know. What an ungrateful brat. He will struggle when he enters the real world some day.

Do you think that every wrong thing a child does is reflective of how they are going to be when they grow up? Do you think a toddler who hits a sibling will turn into a violent adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most posters are missing where the comment really came from and that is a place of hurt. I believe your kid is hurt that his grandfather can’t be bothered to pick out a gift he would like and give it to him. I think the grandfather is inconsiderate and should be told kids like presents that show adults care.

As a parent, I disregard 529s that I don’t have direct control over because the grandparent could change their mind and pull the money anytime. It’s not really a gift when it’s not even in your name. And this happens.

The grandfather is wealthy but only giving a conditional gift that really isn’t a gift. It’s like
when my well off in-laws keep sending cards with $5 in them. Cute when the kid is 5, but the tween can’t even buy a bubble tea with it.

Also, a 529 is a gift to parents as well as kids, but again conditional. Cash is the only true gift since there are no take backs.

What in the world? Your son may grow up to be like this poster, OP. This is why you need to nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody….this person is posting on DCUM, not Bumblef**k urban moms.

The DCUM demographic is primarily full pay for their kids’ college no matter what school they attend.

If my FIL puts $200k in my kid’s 529 that is a gift to me and my wife. He just saved us $200k. We would thank him profusely. I don’t even know if I would tell my kid.

This is not the forum for OP to get much sympathy.

Uh, what? It isn’t a gift to you, at all. It is for your child. YOU aren’t obligated to pay for their college. The only person with an obligation to pay for college is the one that wants to attend. You do know that plenty of kids go to college on their own dime, right? Sometimes it is a case of parents didn’t save, sometimes parents don’t want to pay.

Not in DCUM world. That’s the point.

+1

Entitlement sucks but really if DCUM parents don’t pay, their kids are going to be stuck with massive student loan debt or going to community college (not the end of the world of course, but still). Those kids who go to a good state school on their own dime without massive debt don’t have parents who make 400K a year.

But yeah the kid was massively rude and should get a job/threatened with community college.

Not saying they won’t have debt, but no one’s parents, no matter their income, are obligated to finance college.

They could enlist or do ROTC. They could get a job, support their own living expenses, save up. Or they can take out a bunch of loans. Or they can work really hard and get scholarships. Parents are not under any legal obligation to fund college. If a parents feels a personal obligation to provide, then that is their own problem. Grandpa’s money is still not for their benefit, rather, the child’s.

I don't disagree that parents aren't required to pay for their kids colleges, but what job do you think an 18 YO can get that will let them save up for college at today's prices (other than community college, but you didn't specify that). Also, there are tight limits on the college loans that students themselves are eligible for. Again, nowhere even approaching the cost per year of a 4 year college.

I do agree that the money in the 529 is a gift for the kid, though.

We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

Not in this situation. The parents now have more savings on a $-for-$ basis because of FIL funding the 529. It's a gift to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my son really grasped what a huge gift it was to graduate without debt until he started working and saw how having student loan debt impacted his friends and colleagues. He has thanked us several times for funding his college. When he bought his first car, he realized what a privilege it had been for us to provide him with a car through high school and college. Your son will mature but he definitely needs to have some exposure to those less fortunate. I would dial way back on funding his entertainment in the future and let him use his own money or work to pay for that desired expensive electronic gadget.

This rings true. I never met anyone that took out student loans until my 1st job at a big four in DC and I did not understand it. How embarrassing now when I think about it.